Focus on the Family

John Fuller: Welcome to Focus on the Family’s Weekend Broadcast. We hope the following program will challenge you and encourage you in your faith journey. Today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, Pastor Gary Thomas is going to help you protect your marriage from an affair, which starts with infatuation.

Gary Thomas: We know from neuroscience, infatuations last about 12 to 18 months. Am I going to put my life at risk, my family at risk, my kids' security at risk for something that is relatively so short?

John Fuller: Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, we have a fascinating message to share with our listeners today about the very small steps that can lead to an extramarital affair. This message was given at a recent conference that we hosted for pastors, but it is applicable to anyone.

Single folks, before you tune out, consider this: you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this kind of attention from a married person. So, Gary’s message will tell you what to watch out for, too. Some of the steps that he’ll outline can seem like they’re not that big of a deal, but they are part of a trend that’s going a certain direction.

Gary is a good friend. He’s on the teaching team just up the road here at Cherry Hills Community Church in Highlands Ranch, Colorado. He’s the author of 20 books, and the one that relates to today’s content is called *Making Your Marriage a Fortress: Strengthening Your Marriage to Withstand Life’s Storms*.

John Fuller: The book is endorsed as a must-read by marriage experts. It's really valuable. Get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family, where the proceeds go right back into ministry. You’ll find it at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Here now, Pastor Gary Thomas. As you said, Jim, he was speaking at a pastors' conference that was hosted here at Focus on the Family.

Gary Thomas: Let me start with this one question. How many infatuations—that is, extramarital attraction, not just physical attraction, but combined with feelings—how many infatuations will the average married person experience if they’ve been married 50 to 60 years? Over the course of a lifetime, how many?

Avodah Offit was a Jewish counselor, sort of pioneered in relational counseling and as a sexual therapist. She suggested that the average person married 50 to 60 years will experience five to six extramarital infatuations during the course of that marriage. I’ll admit, that seems high to me.

My wife and I have been married 41 years. My wife would say she’s only experienced one, and it was a little hurtful because the guy had a ponytail. When your husband is bald, I think there should be some standards that you hold up there. For me, there were two. One was early on in our marriage. We had a very colicky baby.

I was completely caught by surprise because I thought something must be wrong with my marriage. How could this be happening? You think, "Did I marry the wrong person?" or "Is my marriage just dead?" Nobody had ever brought the topic up, and I was caught blindsided. I really think with this issue, to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

There was never any physical contact at all. I’m not saying that to excuse anything because for a lot of women, emotional connection is far more hurtful than even a physical connection. But because of that, I was fooling myself. Fortunately, I married a great woman. I thought, "Well, I’m going to invite her over to dinner, and then everything will be okay, right? Because I wouldn’t do that if I was thinking anything untoward was going on."

But Lisa was smart enough. After she left, Lisa looks at me and she said intently, "Do you have feelings for her?" I said, "Why would you say that?" which is the easiest way to lie. You never answer it. Our world shattered when Lisa says, "Because you look at her like you used to look at me."

It was like God just pulled away the blinders, and I saw that I had gotten myself into a mess. I credit some solid friends. I’ve had better friends than a Christian man could ever deserve over the course of a lifetime. Three really solid friends just stepped in and said, "Okay, Gary, we’re in charge now."

I credit my wife. I even credit the other woman. I credit everybody but me. But after that scare, a number of years passed before the second one happened, and it wasn’t a big deal at all because I was forewarned. I realized what was happening. It was someone we didn’t live in the same place as; we just clicked at a conference. Lisa wasn’t traveling with me at that time.

I came home. I didn’t even immediately share it with Lisa. I was in a great accountability group. I shared it with the guys. They were following up with me every month. "No contact? Everything's fine? You're good with the elevator?" I said, "Yep, everything's fine, you're good." And it just died a really quick death. The reason why was I knew what to look out for, I knew how to handle it, and it was just a blip on the screen. There hasn’t been another one in 25 years.

We talked last night about going on the offense, how to build spiritual intimacy by serving God together. But this morning, it’s about playing spiritual defense, recognizing the possibility that we could all fall into this and knowing how to handle it. Here is what I want to say as a pastor: feelings can be real and not significant.

We know from neuroscience, infatuations last about 12 to 18 months. That’s about as long as they last, and they fade right away. An infatuation at 13 months is demonstrably weaker than an infatuation at six months. Am I going to put my life at risk, my family at risk, my kids' security at risk for something that is relatively so short?

I’ve seen it. It is like soap bubbles of pleasure. As a pastor, for so long, I’ve seen this time and time again. One woman believed she had a call. She was excited about this new work. Her husband just kind of thought it was her little plaything, didn't take it seriously, never asked her questions about it, and wasn't supportive.

So, she’s working with this other guy in the nonprofit who says, "Oh, this is brilliant. You’re so wonderful. This is incredible." She’s getting all of this attention that she wasn’t getting from her husband with something that she believed was really important for her. It was a really good calling.

It got lifted up and up until he became larger than life because he was everything her husband wasn’t, and they shared the same passion. It was the mission bringing them together. She knew she shouldn’t have done this. They were away at a conference. She finally gave in. He wooed her. They slept together, and immediately—it’s one of the saddest things I ever heard—she said, "I woke up and he was just a dude in my bed."

She thought, "What happened?" He was larger than life. She gave in, and then he was just a dude in her bed. She realized the problem that would be resulting from this, and it did. It took her marriage months and months and months to deal with that 30-minute lapse.

I’ve seen this with men and women. They feel ignored. They feel down. They’re tired. They just want an escape. They feel like she’s an angel, and so they go way too far with this angel. Suddenly, they tell me she turned into a demon. She’s trying to destroy my family. She’s trying to destroy my ministry. I’m like, "Well, you kind of destroyed that. Let’s keep agency where it belongs."

But I’ve seen it time again. Satan presents this thing as the solution, as an escape, as a fun vacation, and it becomes a hurricane nightmare that people try to escape from. We have to look at this as Christians. There are two verses I want us to look at. Ephesians 5:22 and Ephesians 5:25. "Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord."

Now, I’m not telling you how to interpret submit. I’m not going to go into that. I want to focus on the second part: "as you do to the Lord." Paul says, wives, however you’re looking at your marriage, it’s a reflection of your relationship with the Lord. That’s the part I want you to focus on. Then we go to Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

From a Christian perspective, our attitude has to be this: I must be as faithful to my spouse as God is faithful to me. I must be as committed to my spouse as Christ is committed to the church. Do we agree with that?

Now, I don’t want this to ignore the four A’s. I know there are divorced people in ministry and divorced people in the room, maybe divorced people watching. Jesus talks about adultery. Paul adds abandonment. I have written about real marital abuse where I think that can end a marriage. I have a friend of mine—I’m not defending this, I’m not attacking it, we don’t have time to get into it—he would put addiction in there. He calls it the four A’s.

There are things I recognize that your spouse can do to end your marriage. But from my perspective, I must not do anything to cause my spouse to have a reason to leave me. The best defense is a good offense, which is why I want to spend just a couple of minutes on that.

My wife and I loved having kids. We have three. We wish we could have had more. There are reasons why we didn’t. One summer, they all kind of came back. The master bedroom was on the bottom floor, right where everybody would hang out.

We had been empty nesters for a while. We could enjoy being physically intimate whenever we wanted to. Now for the summer, we had three kids that stayed up later than we did and were always outside the door. It just isn’t quite as fun if you’re trying to think, "Oh man, are they going to know? This is so embarrassing."

After five or six weeks of this, Lisa and I just didn’t want to have to be quiet or to stay up late or anything, so we said, "Why don’t we just go to a hotel?" There was a hotel just about a mile and a half away from us. We go and we walk into the hotel, and there’s a woman in front of the counter who looks like she’s checking in.

She sees us and she says, "Why don’t you go ahead?" I said, "Oh, no, we’re not in a hurry. You go ahead." She said, "No, no, I insist, you go ahead." I said, "Okay." I go up, and I haven’t been asked this question for years and I don’t know why she asked it now. "What’s your address?"

I’m thinking, "Oh man, we’re just a mile and a half down the road." It’s kind of obvious what’s going on. We didn’t have a lot of luggage. "Alright, well breakfast starts at eight." I said, "Yeah, we’re not going to need that." We didn’t have any luggage. It was really getting embarrassing. I’m just like, "Please just give me the key." I could tell Lisa was getting embarrassed.

She finally gives us the room key, and then I take the key and the woman who had stepped back immediately steps forward. "Pastor Gary, my kids just love it when you preach. They just clap when they find out." Lisa is now turning red and realizing this isn’t going to be romance; this is going to be homicide when we get up there.

It was embarrassing, but here is the thing I still will hold to: I would much rather be caught having an affair with my wife than having one with yours. If we have to go away to keep things going in those seasons of life, I just think it’s a wise thing to do.

There will be seasons—maybe you’re much younger, you’ve got babies, or there is sickness, or there's things where things just can’t happen. I just think it’s always dangerous in ministry to ever just say, "Well, we can’t do everything, so we’re just not going to try to address it at all. We’re not going to have any interludes, we’re not going to try to do it."

A friend of mine was a bodybuilder. He could bench press 400 pounds. He was just an amazing athlete. Three years after they were married, he was diagnosed with MS, and it progressed pretty quickly with him. His wife married him because she liked how strong he was, and he could protect her and carry in all the groceries. Three years into their marriage, he starts to go downhill where he’s using a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair, and now a motorized chair.

He told me about their nighttime ritual when he could wheel his chair up to their bed. He’s still strong enough to get his torso on the bed, but he can’t move his legs over. Stacy has to come and do that. He said, "One time, Gary, I was feeling sorry for myself, like, 'Who am I fooling? I should just let Stacy do everything. What does it matter if I just lift my torso up?'"

He said, "I think I can only do about 20% of what I used to be able to do. But God has convicted me that I will do 100% of the 20% I’m able to do." I love that in every aspect of marriage. Time can make physical intimacy difficult, but will we do 100% of the 20% we’re able to do?

I think it’s one of the wisest things we can do to play defense is to say, first, we’re not going to stop playing offense. But then, I do want to focus the rest of it on playing defense. Since that emotional affair I had, I gave Lisa a veto over every relationship I have. Any Facebook friend, anybody I spend time with, because we want the same thing.

I want to love her as Christ loves the church. I want to be as committed to her as Christ is committed to me. If she sees something that I don’t—I’ve already years ago shown myself not to be the most astute observer—I’m going to listen to her.

Now, God has done a lot of healing. I think there was only one woman in a ministry situation where Lisa just told me, "Gary, I just want you to be careful with her." I said, "Okay, fine, sure." She said, "I don’t think you should ever meet with her alone." I said, "Right, I got it. That's fine." She said, "And if I die, I don’t want you to marry her." I said, "Okay, not sure where that came from, but I will do that."

I’ve worked with couples that are going through this from my own experience, and I’ll really be strongly urging complete transparency. I had one husband who had this relationship with a woman at work that his wife had some understandable concerns with. He agreed that he would not contact her outside of work, and then she found out he had texted her.

She’s really hurt, and we’re talking. "Why are you doing this?" He said, "Well, if I completely cut things off with my friend, it will hurt her." I said, "Yes, it will. And if you don’t, it will hurt your wife. Who are you married to? Who are you committed to? What decision are you going to make?" I said, "You will never have an intimate marriage if your wife doesn't feel safe. And your wife can't feel safe if you agree not to be contacting someone and you go ahead and do it."

In the book *Making Your Marriage a Fortress*, I tell the story of Terry and David, who went through an affair because I found it to be eye-opening as to the dynamics of what could happen. They weren’t walking with the Lord at the time. They admitted when they got together, it was purely physical. They were all over each other. They got married right away, started having kids right away.

If lust held your marriage together and now just a few years later you have a baby and a toddler, it’s not going to hold your marriage together anymore because life situation is just going to make that a very different relationship. With more mouths to feed, David knew he had to work more. He’s a salesman. To work more, he had to be out on the road more.

Terry was also working, so she kind of resented the fact that she was left alone because he would travel far away. They weren’t communicating. They both felt the frustrations of marriage. They had no pleasures of marriage. Neither one wanted to be the one that pulled the trigger to get a divorce, but they were miserable together. It was out of that long-term alienation that Terry had an affair.

This is what got me. Terry said if you would have told her that she was going to have an affair with this guy two years before, she would have laughed. It wasn’t like she was physically attracted to him at all. It wasn’t like she was emotionally attracted to him at all. But what happened? Here’s her word: she lived with the blatant unfulfilled desire to be wanted.

She just never felt wanted. She felt despised and unwanted by her husband. So when a guy acted like he wanted her, it was like this immediate rush that just surrounded her and carried her away. I want to say to you, especially in ministry where there’s spiritual warfare and it’s so relational, it is just foolish to not address a blatant long-term desire and need that isn’t being met.

John Fuller: This Focus on the Family broadcast will continue in just a moment.

Aaron Smalley: Marriage is a journey with lots of ups and downs, so navigate all the twists and turns with *Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage*, a podcast from Focus on the Family. I’m Erin Smalley and I co-host the podcast with my husband, Dr. Greg Smalley. Each episode will help you tackle problems you may be facing or just help make your relationship even sweeter. Listen to *Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage* and other podcasts from Focus on the Family at focusonthefamily.com/podcasts.

Jim Daly: No matter what you're going through, you are not alone. Focus on the Family is here with you every step of the way. Our caring Christian counselors will listen, share biblical advice, connect you with resources, and pray with you. You can start your path toward healing today by requesting your free confidential consult. Call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY or visit us at focusonthefamily.com/gethelp.

John Fuller: Welcome back to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Let’s return now to the presentation from Gary Thomas as he continues speaking about the dangers of unmet needs in a marriage.

Gary Thomas: I’m sensitive to this because I think that’s what set me up for my emotional affair. We were just over our heads. We were this young couple. I felt sorry for Lisa. She got married so young. She didn’t have any friends who had a baby her age, so she was alone.

I was gone so much. I had to work three jobs because I was an English major. It takes about three jobs of an English major to feed the family. That meant I was gone all the time. So, I’m spending time with this other woman at work, and I realized where the feelings were going. That’s when I said, "We just can’t meet again at work anymore."

"Why not? It’s been so helpful to me." She wasn’t stupid. She goes, "Oh, I can’t believe it." I said, "Why?" She goes, "Well, you’re just so perfect." I’ve never been high, but I can’t imagine a dopamine hit that would take over my brain like that did. When you feel like you can’t do this or this or this, all of a sudden "perfect" is the word that you hear, and that’s what broke down so many barriers.

I am not excusing myself. I am ashamed of that. I’m ashamed that at a time when Lisa needed me more, I was drawing back. I did everything wrong. But rather than Lisa and I looking at that, it’s just so predictable. Lisa and I have said so many times we wish we could have pastored that couple. It’s predictable the situation they're in.

They just needed some perspective, some prayer, some help. We also wish we could have written them a check. Do you ever feel that way when you get older? If I could write myself a check 20 years ago, I just wish I could do that. We wouldn’t miss it now.

If you’re really frustrated—and this is why I’m always asking Lisa, "Is there something I’m not hearing from you? Is there something I’m not addressing? I want to keep my—am I just not hearing you?" Because I don’t want any of us to overestimate our ability to endure a marriage that is subpar like that.

Romans 12:3 says this: "I say to everyone among you, not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned." It is kindness to tell your spouse, "This isn’t working for me. Ignoring this isn’t making it better. It’s putting us in a dangerous situation."

Time and again, I think one of the biggest mistakes I see Christian couples make is they wait too long to address it. I was working with a guy one time and I had told him before, "Look, you guys need to do an intensive. One hour a week of counseling is not going to be enough to address these issues." "Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to it." Another year goes by. She files for divorce.

He asked me afterwards because we had this kind of relationship, "What would you say I did wrong?" I said, "Buddy, you waited too long. Your wife was trying to raise this and this. 'Yeah, I'll get to it, but it's busy at work. I got this to do, I got to do.' You waited too long until she was just not even willing to consider it again."

That’s what happens with others; it’s what can happen with us when we wait too long. That’s what led Terry to slide into her affair. It began living with long-term unfulfilled desire to be wanted, which set her up to be wooed. She wouldn’t have been open to being wooed if she didn’t have that long unfulfilled desire.

And that set her up to start seeking her coworker out whenever he was in the building, just to talk to him. She wasn’t thinking she was going to have an affair with him. But he was wooing her, and now she’s reciprocating it, but in an innocent way, right? We’ll just meet each other in this particular building.

And that set her up to receive his flirtations when he started giving them. A healthy wife is going to say, "Hey, hey, hey, you’re getting the wrong idea. I’m not signing up for that." But she finally felt wanted. It was like putting a little flame to dry newspaper.

And that set her up to allow him to kiss her at a bar one evening. She didn’t stop him. And it just seemed like a small step to go from that to spending a night at a hotel. Affairs are frequently gradual, entered into by many steps. We’re going to talk about those steps rather than just being this great one-night cataclysmic thing.

Often, we can look back and see what sets us up. They’re gradual, but I also want to point out from a Christian perspective: they are evil. The movie industry makes it sound so romantic. We know as Christians how evil it is to break a bond that God himself has established. I want to show you how something that sounds sentimental is evil. Here’s how men like to flirt with women. Women, I’m just putting this out there. You might have heard this.

A guy will start out with this: "I just wish I could talk with my wife the way I can talk to you." Sounds like a compliment, right? But he’s slamming his wife. If you become his wife, he’ll slam you. He’s saying, "I’ve got to build up our relationship by tearing down my wife." How is that not evil?

Or then he says this: "Your husband doesn’t realize how good he has it, what a wonderful woman he gets to spend this life with." It sounds so wonderful, but he’s tearing down your husband. So first he tears down his wife, now he tears down your husband. How evil is it that a man would try to make a woman think less of her husband than wanting them to get more and more intimate and connected? It’s always destruction. It sounds romantic, but talk down my wife, talk down your husband, talk down his marriage. By definition, affairs have to kill a marriage to succeed. It’s not romance, it’s not love; it’s murder. And we need to look at it that way.

But women, here’s how men are often drawn into an affair, and it’s probably not what you think. Women tend to be most sensitive if they think your husband’s working around a beautiful woman or he’s next to a beautiful woman. If a guy is really crass, if a guy has a history of one-night stands, that might be the case. I don’t think it’s probably the case with most of the people that would be at a conference like this.

So you don’t want to guard against the wrong thing. I loved playing basketball when I was young, but I was just terrible. My number was 00, which was basically my scoring average for that team. So other teams would guard me, and I’d be laughing and my coach would be laughing because it was wasted time. They should have just let me run up and down.

They were guarding the one that wasn’t going to cause a problem. Women, you can often think that it’s going to be physical attraction, but that’s not usually what draws men into an affair. Marlene Dietrich, who in her day was considered one of the most beautiful sensual women of her day, even got this. She said, "The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs."

Guys, we know that that’s what sets our hearts going. So when a woman is smiling at you a lot, or she’s holding that eye contact, and it feels like this neurochemical connection—it kind of is—just be aware of what’s happening and see it as the threat it is. It’s an invitation to disaster. It’s not an invitation to escape. There’s nothing good that will come out of it. You can’t fault yourself if you feel that *ping-ping-ping*, but what you do with it will determine whether it becomes fatal or not.

This woman wrote a blog called *Steps to My Affair*. Her name is Debbie. I can’t find it. I hate to not attribute things to people because it happens with me all the time. So, I’m very careful of not doing that, and I’m sorry, Debbie, if whoever you are. She had an affair. She explains what happened to her affair. I’ve kind of tweaked these a little bit. It's not an exact quote.

But she said these were the steps to her affair, and I found it so practical for us to see what often leads to it. Three levels. The first one I call a prelude to an affair. The first one is this: you share your marital frustrations with each other. You will stop 90% of your affairs if you don’t go past step one.

Guys, women, let’s make an ironclad commitment: we will never talk about our marriage negatively with a member of the opposite sex. And we will go out of our way to speak positively of our spouse whenever we’re in a situation with someone else. That can stop everything. Most affairs start with sort of feeling each other out. "Yeah, my marriage isn’t so great, and your marriage isn’t so great," whatnot. That’s the major firewall. This is the easiest place to stop it.

The second one is you sense an attraction to this person and sense they are attracted to you. If you’re in ministry, this should be irrelevant and it should be something you fear, not hope for. It is delicious to hear that somebody feels for you again when you feel like there are no feelings left in your marriage. But it’s just going to confound your life, it could wreck your life, it could compromise your faith. You don’t want to know. It’s dangerous to know. Don’t go there.

You take extra time to get ready. You’re thinking about how you’re going to dress, what perfume you’re going to wear, wives, or guys are getting into shape. We had a guy at a church setting, he lost 20 pounds from his stomach and put it on his shoulder and arms. We kind of should have known. I’m not saying that always happens if your husband’s getting in shape, but it’s sort of stereotypical that that often happens when you suddenly pay attention to how you look.

You think about this person even when you are not interacting with them. That’s stage four, but I would say you are already damaging your marriage. You don’t have a lot of time if you’re in ministry and you’re raising kids and you’re married. You should be thinking, "How do I bless my spouse? What does my spouse need to know? How can I be kind to my spouse? How can I give to my spouse?" If you’re thinking about someone else, you’re already cheating on your marriage even though there’s been no physical contact.

But then we get to level two, step five, where I think you’re practicing an affair. By "practicing," I mean you’re trying it out. The clothes aren’t coming off, but you’re sort of seeing how it’s going to go. You start fantasizing about being together as a couple. Maybe some of you are in that stage right now.

This is where it’s got to stop. Why? Your brain can’t distinguish fantasies from reality all that well. And what you’re doing when you’re mentally imagining being together—and it could be taking a bike ride, climbing a 14er, or going paddleboarding—you’re breaking down the natural inhibition of feeling guilty by being alone with this person. You’re helping your brain—you're priming the pump that this is something you already do. And if you’ve already done it, can it really be that bad?

I’m just saying if anybody’s watching online, if anybody’s here, if you’re at that stage, you’re getting dangerously close. You’re starting to slide down the cliff. Step six: you manipulate circumstances to spend time together. It’s not just by happenstance; you’re setting things up, you’re having a reason to work together, you’re creating situations.

Step seven: here’s the practicing playful banter, teasing and flirtation. It’s kind of safe. "Well, how would you think?" And "Are they okay with that?" Then let’s try this, and it just escalates. This is when you get to stage eight: others start to ask, "Is there anything going on with you guys?" And you say, "Oh, we’re just friends. We’re just good friends."

Can I just be honest? If *anybody* is asking you, "Is something going on between you and her or you and him?" something’s going on. When my wife said, "Do you have feelings for her?" and I’m trying to—the only reason she asked is because she sees evidence of that. Take that as God’s warning because you are now past the precipice. You’re starting to slide down.

Level three: participating in an affair. Meeting together in secrecy. Even if you’re clothed, I think that’s beginning to constitute an affair if you’re ever in a situation where they’re there. Step 10: texting and calling each other. Now you’re interacting and communicating.

It was a woman who had an affair that told me, "This is when I knew the affair was going to start: the first time I erased a message because I didn’t want my husband to see it." If you’ve got to hide from your spouse, there’s a reason you’re hiding: because you know it’s wrong. It’s an affair.

And then you get to 11: intimate contact. Notice that’s number 11 on the scale. And so you can look at this as you’re counseling, you can tell people, "You’re at level five, you got to go back. You're at level two, you're at level eight," and tell yourself, this is what often happens, this is the prelude to an affair.

What is the antidote? I want to spend some time on the antidote. First, for us as Christians, it comes back to commitment. We have another reason: are we in or not? Are we going to be committed to our marriage, going back because of how God treats us? I must be as faithful to my spouse as God is faithful to me. I want you to bring God into the picture. I must be as committed to my spouse as Christ is committed to the church.

We don’t live just for our own happiness or even our kids' happiness; we live to bring glory to God, to model God’s reconciliation, to demonstrate God’s covenant love. And if we can’t do that in our most intimate relationship, we fail at a fundamental level. We've got to bring God into it.

God just told me a couple weeks ago—and I think at my age, he’s really worked over my ambition some, which I’m grateful for—but I know it’s always going to be there. But God warning me: "Gary, don’t seek to be great; revel in the fact that you’re greatly loved." It’s a whole turn, guys, women. Instead of trying to be great, rest that you’re already greatly loved because if you know you are greatly loved, you’re not susceptible, you don’t need the love of an illicit affair. God is filling up that need.

But here’s a thing: ambition feeds affairs. I’ve seen it time again. I don’t know why, but there is a spiritual connection between ambition and lust. So check your commitment. Fall in love with God again.

Second: fast action. As soon as you feel woozy, don’t spend any time fantasizing, meeting with the other person. Double down on your marriage. "Okay, I’ve let my marriage go on the shelf. I need to double down. I need to make it the best it can be."

It may not be wise to share it with your spouse depending on the state of your marriage. You shouldn’t do it alone. You’ve got to have solid friends, other pastors, good friends, counselors or whatnot. Don’t try to do it alone. Definitely *do not* share it with the person that you’re infatuated with. You have to work with a counselor: "Is it wise for me to share it with my spouse right now?" Maybe eventually you will.

But don’t make it more than it is. It happens. Here it is. This bald guy sometime in Colorado Springs told us about it, and now I’m facing it, and so I can just deal with it. It doesn’t mean anything. That means you deprive it of everything that feeds a relationship. The four T's: this is youth group ministry level, I don’t mean to insult you, alright? But the four things that will feed a relationship: Thought, Time, Touch, and Talk.

Thought, time, touch, and talk. If I don’t think about her, if I don’t talk to her, if I don’t spend time with her, if I don’t touch her, it will die. It’s like putting a plant in a closet that’s dark and not watering it; it won’t go on. The sooner you nip it in the bud, the easier it is to leave alone.

Otherwise you feed it, and I’m telling you, you’re going to wake up, women, and it’ll be, "He's just a dude in my bed." He was larger than life, and now he's just a dude in my bed. Guys, I thought she was an angel, Gary; I think she’s a demon, she’s going to destroy everything I’ve wanted to live for.

Be honest about the state of your marriage. When I was talking with David and Terry, they have a ministry now where they help couples grow their intimacy by doing physical things together. They’re using the research that John Gottman talked about, that when you get your heartbeat above 95 beats per minute, it opens you up emotionally to a new kind of intimacy.

And then later he was telling me, "Yeah, we’ve seen this rash of affairs between wives and CrossFit trainers." And it reminded him of the 95 beats per minute. And you’ve got a woman who maybe her marriage feels distant. She gets her heartbeat above 95 beats per minute. The trainer is touching her just to keep her form correct. He’s encouraging her like maybe her husband hasn’t encouraged her for a decade. And it’s not surprising that her heart feels carried away.

You’ve got to be honest about what state your marriage is in. If you’re in a vulnerable place, if your heart’s in a vulnerable place, don’t put yourself in a vulnerable place. And be wise. Don’t do something that’s going to collapse you. We all know that Satan tends to hit us when we’re weakest, where we’re weakest, exactly how we’re weakest.

The classics talk about the two important things is to know God and to know ourselves. Be humble about the state of your heart, your vulnerabilities, and your marriage. Be overwhelmed by God’s great love for you, and you’re going to keep yourself out of those situations. You’re going to know what to do in those situations.

Fourth, maintain emotional connection. In my book, I really leaned hard on Dr. Hart and Sharon May’s book, *Safe Haven Marriage*, about how to be emotionally connected. If you’re emotionally connected to your spouse, the chances of straying are so unlikely. And I don’t have time to get into this a lot. I’m not going to explain it well enough.

But the three things that create emotional connection: emotional availability. Part of marriage is making myself emotionally available. I create space in my life to be emotionally there for my wife, to care about what she cares about, to hear what she hears.

Sensitive responsiveness is the second one. It’s a learned skill. That means I’m not trying to solve it or fix it if she has a problem, because that makes her think I’m just bothered by her problem and I’m trying to make it go away so it doesn’t bother me. When your spouse shares something, that sensitive response—make yourself stop. What is the most sensitive way I can respond to this? "Man, that must hurt," or "That must make you afraid."

And then trust is a big thing. Trust isn’t just about sexual betrayal or texting when you shouldn’t; trust is something that’s built that if you say you’re going to do something, your spouse knows it’s done. They don’t have to follow up, they don’t have to question it; they can trust you. And I like this because if emotional connection has been broken, these are the three tools to build it back again.

David and Terry talk about how these three things helped them get back together. But we have to recognize how marriages are often slowly eroded. Here’s a long quote from *Safe Haven Marriage*: "Emotional disconnection doesn’t require an emotional earthquake. Just pile on the critical comments, insensitive remarks, and irritating acts, whether intentional or unintentional. And you can break your partner’s heart. Not much more than a flat-toned 'Hello' from your spouse after you’ve waited all day to see him. A kiss that did not seem warm. A hand touched, then quickly pulled away. Unwillingness to stop for a hug, failure to help get the kids up and ready in time for school, the thoughtlessness of not putting the dirty dishes in the sink, clothes left in the hallway, or not having time to listen when a listening ear is desperately needed—all these can do deep damage one at a time. You put them together and the marriage is going to become more and more distant and more and more vulnerable."

And then finally, step five for the antidote: take the long-term view. Take the long-term view. What I want to say to every guy—I don’t have stats for women, but I have it for men—87% of men who cheat on their wife want to go back after the affair is over. After they’ve dropped an atom bomb in their wife’s heart, they’re hoping she’ll be healed enough to take them back. Of course, 87% aren’t willing, and I understand that.

Guys, you want to talk about foolishness? When you know there is a nine out of ten chance you will compromise your kids' security, you’ll hurt the woman you love, probably forfeit your ministry, and there’s a 90% chance you’re going to wake up like the woman said to the guy, "He’s just a dude in the bed," or this angel has become a demon—how did I get here? I’m telling you, you’re going to get there.

Research shows that only about 2 to 3% of affairs morph into a long-term relationship. So the odds of it going on are extremely small. And if it does, 85 to 95% of those that do go on end in divorce. There’s no future in unfaithfulness. Think about it: two people that destroy two families to get together, what are the odds that they’re going to have a strong family that can stay together after that?

And I would say, there have been—I remember one night I woke up. It was like a nightmare. Because I just think what would have happened if I would have let the emotional affair, that infatuation, become more. Two of my kids wouldn’t be on this planet, which means two of my grandkids wouldn’t exist. I can’t even imagine the horror of that thought. And the woman that at 41 years into marriage I love more than life, with her kindness, her support—she’s—we're one.

Every marriage is going to go through difficult seasons. But when 90% of men want to go back after the affair is over, you know what that tells me? The problem was with the relationship, not who they married. They let the relationship die and become vulnerable, and the affair was sort of an escape. But they realize, "No, I was with the right person."

But let me give you the good news. Because of the grace of Jesus Christ, because of the power of the Holy Spirit, because of the affirmation of our Heavenly Father who will love us when nobody else does, I have seen couples go through these affairs and have intimate, strong marriages afterwards. When Lisa and I met with David and Terry a few years after the affair, they sounded like newlyweds. And what we routinely hear is couples saying, "I wish we didn’t have to go to an affair to get to this place, but we would never go back to what we had before."

So my plea for you as a married couple is: don’t have an affair to figure out that you need to work on your marriage. If there’s even a whisper that it might be helpful for you to get a marital checkup, now’s the time to do it. Don’t wait too long. Don’t say that, "No, we’re good." We don’t have to have an affair. What helps, and I think it probably helps a lot of you, when you see people make such a mess of their lives, Lisa and I will leave these couples together and we’ll say, "Hey, let’s just skip that. Let’s just figure it out." It’s why, guys, I’m always asking, "Am I not hearing something? Am I not seeing?" because I see these guys that are just deaf and blind and I don’t want to get there.

So there is hope in Jesus, there is hope in the gospel. But we also want to take the warning that let’s learn from others’ experience instead of making it our own.

John Fuller: Wow, such words of wisdom from Gary Thomas on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. This has been so good, John, and I love how Gary emphasized the importance of not waiting too long if your marriage needs help.

Jim Daly: Think about it: marriages do not magically get better on their own. More often than not, couples tend to drift apart further and further over the years. Gary also mentioned how helpful intensive counseling can be, and that’s what we do at our Hope Restored Intensives. Many couples say the intensive experience is like getting a full year of counseling in just a few days, and it is worth every moment.

We have beautiful retreat centers from coast to coast that help you get away from the stress of everyday life and focus on healing your relationship. And the results are dramatic: over 80% of those who attend, two years later, are married and say they’re doing well. Look for a link to Hope Restored when you visit our website.

And when you're online with us, get a copy of the book by Gary Thomas called *Making Your Marriage a Fortress*. It will give you the information you need to fortify your marriage and make sure it has a firm foundation before the next storm of life comes along. And storms are inevitable. It’s a great book for every stage, from dating to a lifelong commitment in marriage.

We can send the book out to you for a donation of any amount. And we’ll include a free audio download of this entire two-part presentation from Gary Thomas. That donation can be a monthly pledge as well, which really helps us balance out our budget throughout the year. And together, you know, it’s you putting those dollars in place, so to speak, giving us the fuel to do the ministry, to help repair these marriages each and every day. We are so grateful, and we see you as a team member. So join us monthly to support Focus and to do the work to help these marriages each and every day.

John Fuller: And you can make your monthly pledge or one-time donation of any amount at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast and request your copy of *Making Your Marriage a Fortress*. You'll also find a link to our Hope Restored Marriage Intensives there, or call us for details: 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459.

When you’re online with us, look for a free PDF of the *Steps that Lead to an Affair*. Gary talked about these, and this is a free download for you to have and to really discuss with those that you know and love. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Jim Daly: You're listening to Focus on the Family’s Weekend Broadcast. We’ll take a quick break and then return with the second half of this program for your family. Stay tuned.

Guest (Female): Your marriage can be healed. A Hope Restored marriage intensive from Focus on the Family can transform you and your spouse's relationship in just a few days. We'll go to this thing, but this is it. If this doesn't work, we're done. What we have now, it's way more than we ever had before and that I ever even dreamed of in the marriage. Discover more at hoperestored.com. That's hoperestored.com.