Focus on the Family

Guest (Female): The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and is supported by the prayers and financial gifts of wonderful friends like you.

John Fuller: This is John Fuller, and please remember to let us know how you're listening to these programs on a podcast, app, or website.

Dr. Les Parrott: I had a manuscript sitting on a table at a restaurant where I frequent in Seattle. It had that title real big, and the server came up and she said, "The love languages? What is the one that matters most? Is it words of affirmation because that's mine? Is that the one that matters most?" I said, "They're all important and they all matter, but the one that matters most is the love language of the person that's in front of you."

John Fuller: That's Dr. Les Parrott, and he and his wife Leslie join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, along with Dr. Gary Chapman as we talk about the love languages. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

Jim Daly: I so appreciate what these three marriage experts said last time about being intentional and speaking your spouse's love language and even getting into the dialects of their specific language. We're going to dig into that more today. If you missed any part of that conversation last time, get our app. That's the best way to be connected to all the content, actually.

We know marriage can have its challenges. Believe me, Jean and I have our challenges from time to time. But let me just remind you that Focus on the Family is here for you. It's a privilege for us to be there, and that's our mission. If you need to talk with someone, get in touch with us. You won't be embarrassed. We want to help you have the best relationship possible, and learning to speak your spouse's love language is a great way to refresh, sustain, and build your thriving marriage.

John Fuller: Let me quickly introduce our guests. They've all been here with us a number of times before. Dr. Gary Chapman is a pastor, author, counselor, speaker, and radio host. You probably know him best for his best-selling series, The 5 Love Languages. He and his wife Carolyn have two adult children.

Les and Leslie Parrott have been married for just over 40 years, and they have two grown sons. Les is a clinical psychologist, and Leslie is a marriage and family therapist. They're relationship experts, best-selling authors, conference speakers, and they've teamed up with Dr. Chapman on a new book that elaborates on his original concept: The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. That's the book we're talking about again today. Contact us to get your copy of the book. Just stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800-A-FAMILY. As we pick up, Jim, we're going to listen as you talk with Dr. Chapman about going beyond just knowing about your spouse's love language.

Jim Daly: Gary, knowing your spouse's love language is a great start, and reading the original book is a great idea, or this new one. But real connection does take practice, and we can understand it intellectually, but then doing it is sometimes a stumbling block for people. How can couples move from knowing to actually speaking each other's language? What are those mechanisms?

Dr. Gary Chapman: If they're Christians, I'd say pray first. "Lord, You know I'm married to this person, and I know they have the emotional need to feel loved, and I know their love language and their dialect. So help me because this doesn't come natural for me." God will help us. He will help us.

Let's face it. If you didn't receive growing up the primary love language of your spouse and the dialect that they want to receive it in, it's a learning curve. A man said to me, "Dr. Chapman, her language is words of affirmation and I know that, but I don't know how to say that. I never received positive words growing up and I don't know how to say it."

I said, "You can't erase your history, but you can start now learning. Tell me three things your wife is good at." He said, "She's a good cook, she's a good school teacher, and she's a good mother." I wrote three sentences out beside each one of those. I said, "Here's your homework. You go home and twice a day this week, you get in a room by yourself and read these sentences out loud. You hear yourself saying these. When you come back next week, I hope you can say them to me without looking at your list."

You have to start where you are, but we can learn these. But it means we have to want to do it, choose to do it, and God will help us because God wants us to love our spouse.

Jim Daly: Les and Leslie, that answer actually sparks something in my mind. We've had a number of guests that talk about family of origin issues, the Yerkoviches, How We Love, for example. That formative time really does shape so much of who we become, and it's rare that we get an opportunity unless there's a deep need that you say, "I need help figuring this out," and you go to counseling and they begin to put these pieces together. But in this area of love languages and the idea of family of origin and things you did or did not receive, can we overcome those things if they're so deeply rooted in us that we haven't been loved in the right way? Can we overcome these things?

Dr. Les Parrott: Most definitely, and that's why I think the five love languages is such a success because it is so tangible and it speaks to that person in such a unique way.

Dr. Leslie Parrott: Here's the thing. We all have a story that shaped us. It is so helpful to think of that having shaped our own love tanks and the love tank of the person. It's not a one-size-fits-all. Every different kind of car has its own tank and runs on its own fuel.

How our families loved us, how they failed us, our own personality, that all goes into creating our love tank, and it's helpful to realize some love tanks drain faster than others. Some hold more fuel. Maybe if I grew up in a home where I got all these love languages spoken to me, then my tank is fueled up and doesn't drain as fast. But some of us have love leaks. You can siphon our tank really fast.

That's why recognizing, especially if you recognize, "My spouse speaks what I would consider a foreign love language to me." It is awkward learning a foreign language for most of us. Some of us are great at that. I'm terrible. I remember we were going to take a trip to France and I ordered one of those kits and I was convinced I would be fluent in four days. It was the most embarrassing, ridiculous thing. It felt clunky. Your love language is a foreign one for me. I had to treat it the same way in our marriage.

Dr. Les Parrott: But the family of origin has a lot to do with that. In fact, in this new book, we have a whole chapter on your love tank and how your family shaped that. Some of us have big love tanks. Some of us are pretty small with our love tanks and they need frequent fueling. Others can live on some spoken word of affirmation because that's our love language for a longer time than other people can. So that's a really important insight. The love tank is homegrown in so many ways.

Jim Daly: What about the perspective of how you prioritize your own life? First it's the Lord. It's your relationship with the Lord. So many experts have been at this table talking about how you don't have the capacity to change your spouse. You have to work on you. Often what happens in that setting is the Lord shows up and starts working on your spouse. But this idea of your love tank from God, filling your love tank with the Lord's love and understanding that deep unconditional love as best as we can, and then the love tank with our spouse. Gary, speak to those expectations. I'm just thinking of the man saying, "I told her I loved her at the altar, and we love the Lord, and that's good enough." That's an extreme but it proves the point.

Dr. Gary Chapman: If we understand this concept and we communicate love, it is true we cannot change our spouse. But we can influence our spouse, and we do every single day. We either have a positive influence or we have a negative influence every single day.

The most powerful influence you can have on the positive side is to be communicating love to that person in their love language in a dialect that's meaningful to them, that's filling up their love tank. That doesn't make them change, but it's a positive influence on them. They're far more likely to change if you're doing that on a consistent basis.

Jim Daly: Les, here's the question. You're all doctors. You're all in this every day. Why as a human being do I push purposefully Jean's hot buttons? Where in my head is it rational for me to say, "If I say this, boom, I get a spark." It's so stupid of me.

Dr. Les Parrott: Sometimes you do it, and she's told me you do this quite frequently. I'm just speaking on behalf of Jean. This is true. It is such an odd thing in human behavior in married couples.

Here's one reason: we're oblivious to it sometimes because we all live with an agenda. You have an agenda about what you're going to do when you get upstairs to your office after this, or a group you're going to speak to. We have an agenda about where we're going to go for lunch. We have all kinds of agendas. It takes a conscious effort to temporarily set aside my agenda to recognize your need. That's when we speak that person's love language. That's when we're able to really understand their heart and have presence with them.

This whole thing, this whole enterprise with what Gary has come up with with the five love languages and this new concept, the love language that matters most and the dialects, which is truly revolutionary, is not about perfectionism. It's about progress. It's not about being perfect. It's about making progress.

Dr. Leslie Parrott: Persistence.

Dr. Les Parrott: And you will fail. You're going to say stupid things. But when you do, you can recover. I'll give you a really fresh example in our own marriage that happened within the last 48 hours and it makes me look like an idiot.

Leslie was in the middle of a really meaningful conversation. You were on the front end of what I knew was going to be a longer conversation. It had to do with one of our boys, and she was pouring out her heart on that. In the middle of her doing that, I have this little obsession with this new vacuum cleaner that we got. This vacuum cleaner has this light on it that shows you where the dirt is. It's incredible. It's become my therapy.

Dr. Leslie Parrott: Could we do a session on the Dyson vacuum?

Dr. Les Parrott: I hope they send me one for free. But anyway, in the middle of her talking, I just turned the thing on because I saw a hair loose on the floor. I thought, I'll just get that real fast. I was so distracted by what I needed to do. I couldn't really be present with her, but I didn't say anything. I just did it. Talk about a love leak. Her whole love tank was just completely empty.

Jim Daly: I feel so much better right now.

Dr. Les Parrott: When you do something like that, here's what we know from research from John Gottman. When you do something so stupid or you say something so stupid, it takes five times the positive to get back to where you were.

Jim Daly: Going back to the leaks in the tank, that's true. All those things are those leaks in the proverbial tank. So you have to now double, quintuple your effort to fill that tank up.

Dr. Leslie Parrott: But I love your insight that we do know how to nudge each other and touch those tender points. But I think if you spin that, we're pretty bright and we also know how to do the thing that makes them feel most deeply loved. It's that same intuitive understanding that we can just flip on its head and be brilliant at loving.

Jim Daly: Quality time, we can get into that one as well. But quality time is that being present, and how can couples cultivate that kind of intentionality around quality time? Jean would feel quality time praying together, reading the Word together, maybe sitting together too. But it's like the pressure of the gas hose if we're talking about putting fuel in our tank. If we're doing those spiritual things together, it's like fully squeezed and that gas is pouring in the tank. For us, sitting together might be halfway in terms of her receiving the benefit of that. She's more into, "Let's develop our relationships spiritually." Is that an insight? Is that a dialect? Is that knowing what fuel really fills her tank?

Dr. Gary Chapman: I think our relationship with God impacts everything. I think the more we share our relationship with God in terms of praying together or reading the Scriptures together or discussing a sermon together that we've just heard, it has a positive impact on speaking any of these languages. When we feel our hearts are beating together in our relationship with God, we're far more likely to really give attention to how to communicate love to each other.

Dr. Les Parrott: Absolutely. And maybe that's the question in terms of the dialects of quality time. What are they?

Dr. Leslie Parrott: I love this one. This one's kind of fun because we all experience time differently and we even think of it as a resource differently. One of the qualifiers, and I've heard you say this time and time again, Gary, and it's so true, is quality time isn't just about being together. It's undistracted, full presence. No iPhone, no vacuum cleaner.

Jim Daly: There's no evil eye bigger than if Jean's talking to me and the phone goes off and I check it out and I look back at her and she's got that eye like I just committed the bad sin.

Dr. Leslie Parrott: And we've all committed that sin.

Dr. Les Parrott: So let me ask a question for us and everybody that's listening to it. Are you more scheduled or unscheduled?

Jim Daly: In what area of my life?

Dr. Les Parrott: Just in general. Eight to five, I'm highly scheduled because of what I do here at Focus on the Family. And then at home, I tend to be far less scheduled. I'm spontaneous. So I can operate in both worlds.

Dr. Les Parrott: And what about Jean?

Jim Daly: Highly scheduled all the time. She likes to know what's going to happen and have a plan, three lists to every item.

Dr. Les Parrott: Okay. And then the second question is, are you more future-oriented or more present-oriented? Are you energized by the here and now or the there and then, what's about to happen?

Jim Daly: I think in my role that helps shape some of your vocation can shape some of these things. So I think I've got to be thinking future. Jean is more present.

Dr. Les Parrott: So if she is present-oriented and scheduled, that shapes her dialect for quality time. Quality time to her is something that is paced and punctual. She wants to know here's when it starts, here's how it's going to go, and now she can relax in that.

Jim Daly: Never surprise me with a trip. That will not be my favorite thing. Tell me ahead of time so I know how to pack.

Dr. Les Parrott: Whereas if you're unscheduled and future-oriented, surprise me every day. So you get the idea. I tend to be the other. Throw some clothes in the bag, let's go. Don't even tell me where we're headed.

John Fuller: You're listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and we're talking about the love languages with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott and, of course, Dr. Gary Chapman. They've written a book, The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. We've got that here at Focus on the Family. Get in touch for details when you call 800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. This is such good stuff and I appreciate, Jim, your vulnerability.

Jim Daly: I've worked closely with you. I think Les nailed it in terms of the expectations and that's important. I'd like to be paid for that. But we listened to you about the vacuum, so it's kind of even. I'll give you my vacuum, you give me therapy.

Can we talk about gifts? Because especially in some of my kids, I see gift giving and gift receiving. It's thoughtfulness. Apply this to the marriage relationship because there are nuances here that I have not really understood until starting to read some of this book. Gift giving isn't just a "here is a gift, I was thinking of you."

Dr. Gary Chapman: I think this is really important that we understand the kind of gifts that's important to them. Fanciful gifts is one of the dialects. This can be fancy things, jewelry, an amazing flower arrangement that just blows her away. That's one of the dialects within this.

Another one, of course, is functional gifts, like vacuum cleaners. If you're giving them a functional gift and their dialect is fanciful gifts, and they don't have to be expensive fanciful gifts, then you're not hitting them where they really need to be hit in terms of receiving it. And then there are sensible gifts, things that you've talked about that you really know that they would like to have because they've talked about that. Sentimental gifts, things that remind you of "remember that time when we were here" and all that kind of thing.

Jim Daly: So often we're thinking expense. You might be newly married, people are listening and they're going, "Wow, we can't afford to do some of this. I can't afford a blender even though my wife would love a blender." But Gary, you said in the book one of the most precious gifts you received from Carolyn, your wife, was what?

Dr. Gary Chapman: It was a little piece of paper that I actually have with me today. I carry it with me everywhere I go. Now my language is words of affirmation, so this is a gift of words. This was a home run, hand-printed. "My sweet Gary, I do love you. I shall pray for you. I am so blessed to live with you. I'm proud of you (thankful, excited, biblical proud), grateful. Life with you is beyond belief. Have fun, bear fruit, enjoy and return, stay warm." My love tank fills up just reading it.

Jim Daly: I love it. I love your tank expression more than anything. Your tank's going to explode. It's overflowing here. But that's beautiful and that's the point. She hit it, she knows it, and she really fed you.

Dr. Les Parrott: But that's a great example of how these love languages sometimes blend into each other because words of affirmation, but it was a tangible gift. It's something you're carrying. How many years ago did she write that?

Dr. Gary Chapman: I don't know, the date's not on it, but it's been a long time ago. But I carry it with me everywhere I go.

Dr. Les Parrott: It's still in his leather notebook there. And that's the value of this love language, that it is a tangible representation and whether it's sensible or whether it's fanciful or functional, the point is that it represents that you love me and I can see this.

Dr. Leslie Parrott: It's a visible symbol of your love for me.

Jim Daly: So when you're on that airplane with a five-hour delay, you pull that out and read it? It would lower my blood pressure sitting on the tarmac for five hours.

Acts of service, this is one that for me trips me up because it's functional. Acts of service probably is not my first, second, third, fourth love language. It may be the fifth. It seems like you're looking down on those of us that have this as our primary. I'm expressing that, I'm so sorry, but it's like that's called life. Do good things to other people and do them now.

Dr. Les Parrott: I love how we put it in the new book, The Love Language That Matters Most. We wrote this story of Seth Meyers, the comedian, who says, "I don't know who this guy is that came up with the five love languages, but his love language had to be acts of service because my wife's love language is acts of service and I come home and I want quality time and I say, 'Do you want to take a walk?' and she'll say, 'Yeah, after you clean the gutters.'" That's my point. Exactly. Really, acts of service.

Give me the dialects. Where are they? Well, there's four of them and I really appreciate all these because this is my number one. That's why I felt insulted that you were looking down. That's my gift. Well, I'm going to list them off and then we can come back to some of them. Saves time, that happens to be my primary dialect. When she can do something that saves me a little bit of time, that fills my love tank.

Jim Daly: Is that hard for you to do?

Dr. Leslie Parrott: Oh, that was this is my foreign love language. But I have to tell you, she has mastered it. She is fluent in this. I mean like nobody's business, she has grabbed onto this idea of "how can I help Les save some time?" If I have something and I have to go wait in a line to, I don't know, drop off a package or whatever, she knows that is going to take care of it. And sometimes our friends almost are like, "Why is she doing that all for him?" I said, "That's my love language," and then they suddenly go, "Oh, okay, alright."

Dr. Leslie Parrott: Yeah, you're specifically talking about a warm day on a trip we were sharing in D.C. He took off a layer and without thinking about it, I just carried his extra layer around and people were oppressed by all that. They were like, "Why are you making her carry your sweater?" And I'm going, "I am going to go home and listen to her while I vacuum. That's all I'm going to do."

Dr. Les Parrott: But saves time, alleviate stress, instill security, and then conveys care. Some acts of service convey care. These are all nuances. Instill security, that's a little mysterious. But that's where you really lean in. Acts of service are your thing, so you know you can depend on your spouse. They're going to do the thing they promised to do and you're not going to have to worry. They promised to pick up the dry cleaning and it'll be done.

Jim Daly: Gary, Les, and Leslie, this has been so much fun and very in-depth and conversational, taking a look at the love languages and this deeper view into how to dial in your spouse's love language and fill his or her tank. This is terrific. These are the kind of practical tools that we need. Thank you for being with us today.

Dr. Gary Chapman: Good to be with you.

Jim Daly: And let me turn to the listener. Here at Focus on the Family, we're standing for your marriage, trying to help you build the strongest, healthiest marriage possible. We have so many great tools to help you get started. One of them is our free online assessment, and that's a quick, easy way to just see what you're doing well and what you need to perhaps work on a little bit, that encouragement to try harder.

Another great resource is the book we've talked about today by Gary, Les, and Leslie: The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. It's a powerful way to learn how to love your spouse most deeply. And here's some good news: when you support the work of Focus on the Family with a gift of any amount, we'll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry.

We heard from a recent contributor to Focus, and here's what Margo said: "I just want to take a moment to say thank you. Your programs have truly strengthened my marriage and helped me and my husband connect in ways we hadn't before. The insights, encouragement, and practical advice you share have made a real difference in our daily life together. We're so grateful for the work you do and the support you provide to couples like us." I think it's really important since the three of you are representing all the great authors and content people, thank you for that assist. You are coming and talking about your heart and what the Lord's laying on it and what you've poured your labor into and bringing that to the table as well. So she's saying that to all of us. Thank you.

John Fuller: You can donate and be a part of this great effort to support marriages and to help families by making a contribution today, and we'll send that book, The Love Language That Matters Most, to you. Our number is 800-A-FAMILY, 800-232-6459, or online you can donate, take our free marriage assessment, and get this terrific book at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Guest (Female): Sprinkle some love into your marriage this month with the Loving Well podcast from Focus on the Family. I'm Erin Smalley, and I host the podcast with my husband, Dr. Greg Smalley, and our good friend John Fuller. We chat about how to put Christ at the center of your relationship, deepen your love, and have a marriage that truly thrives. Listen today at focusonthefamily.com/lovingwell or wherever you get your podcasts.