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John Fuller: This is John Fuller and please remember to let us know how you're listening to these programs on a podcast, app, or website.

Deborah Fileta: Soul care is birthed out of the six rhythms that Jesus himself practiced to fill up during his time here on earth. And if Jesus himself understood that he had human capacity and he had to honor that human capacity, though he was fully God, he was fully man, how much more do we have to have the humility to say, "I have a human capacity and I need to honor that"?

John Fuller: That is an important reminder for us today. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and we’re so glad that Deborah Fileta is back with us to continue the conversation offering thoughts like you just heard. We’re looking forward to hearing more from her about self-care and how to do that well as a believer. Your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly, and I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, last time Deborah began describing some life-giving habits that we as Christians particularly should engage in. They’re outlined from Scripture. I was really enthralled with it. Thinking about how Jesus modeled the things that we should be doing, including nourishing our bodies, making sure we get the right amount of sleep, filling our own well so we could fill the well of others. That is a deeply spiritual message. I’m looking forward to getting back to it today and we’re going to cover the next three out of her great book, *Soul Care*.

John Fuller: It’s a terrific resource and the full title of the book is *Soul Care: Find Life-Giving Rhythms, Live Restored, Avoid Burnout, and Discover Unspeakable Joy*. It’s a terrific resource. Call us for details at 800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim Daly: We started this conversation last time, so if you missed it, get ahold of us. We can get an audio copy to you or you can go to the website and download it that way, or the mobile app is terrific. That’s a good way to do it. It’s got the whole library there. That’s what I typically listen through is the app. Deborah, welcome back. Good to have you here.

Deborah Fileta: Good to be back as always.

Jim Daly: It’s so fun. I’ve got to brag on your beautiful family because they came with you this time. I think it’s the first time you’ve been here, though you’ve been here several times.

Deborah Fileta: Yeah, I’ve been here a lot. This is their first time in Colorado Springs and especially at Focus on the Family.

Jim Daly: Well, give them a shout out. Give them their first names and say hi to them because that’s fun.

Deborah Fileta: I have with me Ella, my oldest, and then Elijah, Ezra, and Ethan. And of course, my husband’s here with us, too.

Jim Daly: That is so good that you guys came out together. All right, we talked about some of the rhythms last time. You identified six rhythms or lifestyle choices in your book and how Jesus modeled these for us. Quickly, what are the six rhythms and we’ll jump into number three?

Deborah Fileta: The first is nourish, nourish our bodies and how we can honor our bodies with a proper nutrition, hydration, and movement, just like Jesus did, taking care of our temples. The second one is about rest and making sure that we trust God when we lay down and sleep and realize that we can only do what we can do and our body needs to be energized by rest and how important that is in being a healthy person.

The third one is protect and it talks about setting healthy boundaries like Jesus did. Sometimes we think of Jesus as someone who always said yes, but that’s not actually the case. The fourth one is connect, to make sure that we are engaging in life-giving relationships. The fifth one, which I’m excited to talk about, is savor, and it’s about enjoying life and being present in it. And then the sixth one is tune in, be aware of what’s going on underneath the surface of your life emotionally.

Jim Daly: I’m going to go back to something from last time because you sparked a thought for me when it comes to rest. The level of anxiety and depression in the country right now, especially North America, all of us, is so high, particularly in young people. The idea that we need to be okay with what happened today and trust God is so critical. To trust God to say, "Okay Lord, I’m going to lay my head on the pillow tonight and whatever is, is, and I believe in You, I trust in You fully." That should give you a good night's sleep.

Deborah Fileta: I think the higher our level of trust, the easier it is for us to rest. If that’s not the case, like we talked about earlier, struggling with insomnia, that means there must be something going on underneath the surface that I need to identify and deal with.

Jim Daly: Let's move to protect, which is that next one. You did some research for the book that caught you by surprise, how people viewed boundaries as a bad thing. Because there is no literature psychologically, I’m thinking of the book *Boundaries* by our good friends. Boundaries are a good thing. Why do we say or think they’re bad things?

Deborah Fileta: I think we have an unhealthy definition, a wrong definition of boundaries. We just assume that boundaries just mean saying no to people in need. We assume that Jesus didn’t have boundaries because he always said yes and good Christians should always say yes. We shouldn’t say no.

But that’s not actually the case, first and foremost, and that’s not how Jesus lived. When I look through the Gospels through the lens of soul care, I was shocked at how frequently Jesus said things like "no" and "not yet." "It’s not my time." "No, I’m not going to do it this way. I’m actually going to do it this way." "No, I’m not going to go to that town. I’m going to go to the next town." He wasn’t under the obligation of man. His number one priority was to do what God had called him to do. When I think of boundaries, I think of the word "protect" because it’s the way that we protect our calling, what God has called us to do. So it’s a really important part of being healthy.

Jim Daly: Let me make sure we have this in a practical way. I can remember Jean when she was at UC Davis. She was doing a chemistry degree, pre-vet, and had a load that she was carrying. She was going to a church there and the pastor had asked her if she could run the children's ministry. When she looks back on it, she felt like she couldn't say no. She was young and she said today she could, but she took on so much and it almost destroyed her ability to do well in school, which was the main thing.

I guess the question there in that example is how do we develop that backbone to be able to say no? Because it feels contrary to a Christian attitude of kindness and always being available for people. We give that the letter grade of an A. If you’re acting that way, you’re an A Christian. And if you turn people down, you’re actually a C Christian. Speak to that need to say no.

Deborah Fileta: I think it’s important to address the underlying belief system that we talked about in the last conversation. Why do you feel like you can’t say no? What is the underlying belief system there? Maybe I feel like it’s wrong. Maybe I believe that it’s my job to fix the problem and that if I don’t do it, nobody else will. Because that underlying belief system will keep you saying yes to so many things until your plate gets so heavy that it breaks. We have to realize that every time we say yes to something, we are automatically saying no to something else because we have human capacity. So it’s not just about saying yes to everything and everyone. It’s about prayerfully considering what God and God alone wants us to say yes to.

Jim Daly: Let me ask you this question. When you place that boundary around your heart, it’s a positive. I think so many of us, and I put myself right there with Jean, I’m not pointing that out, I think we all learn over time to not simply be people pleasers, but to put those boundaries. I think it comes with maturity and sanity. But speak to that idea of protecting your own heart so that you have more for other people.

Deborah Fileta: I have to sneak this quote in from a friend of mine who’s a counselor. She said, "Behind every people pleaser was usually once a parent pleaser," where we grew up in a situation where we had to just constantly make sure our parents were okay because there was addictions, there was chaos, there was unhealthy expectations put on us. You kind of start living out of that cycle of pleasing people, saying yes to more and more.

What happens though is you run out of energy. I worked with a woman in counseling just recently who said yes to everything and everyone at work. But then when she walked through the doors of her home, she was so depleted that she had nothing left to give to her husband and children. She was feeling bad about it, like, "I want to give them more but I can’t." The reality is she had to start prioritizing and realize that all the things she said yes to were her saying no to her family in different ways because we have limited human capacity. No one of us is a superhero that can go above and beyond. Jesus himself, who was fully God yet fully man, honored his human capacity and said no so that he could reserve his energy for what God had called him to do.

Jim Daly: I think that's hard for many of us as believers to even comprehend that the Lord, he knew there were sick people in the next town over or what have you, but he couldn’t do it all. I guess that’s the conflict. He could have, but chose to protect that time and to make decisions that he needed to make for his own soul care. It’s weird to talk about God and his own soul care. It feels uncomfortable actually. But he did say no and he did pass by people. It’s hard to even imagine why would God do that?

Deborah Fileta: He was limited by choice in his human body and his human capacity. I think he wanted to model to us what it looks like to live fully as human beings. He was fully God yet fully man and he modeled for us so well what it looks like to care for our souls and stay filled up.

Jim Daly: Moving to the next rhythm: being connected. That can mean a lot of things. How do you define being connected biblically? What does that look like?

Deborah Fileta: Being intentional with life-giving relationships. One of the most exciting things about studying the Gospels as I was writing *Soul Care* was watching Jesus be a really great friend. Before he chose the disciples, the friends that he would say yes to, think of all the people that wanted to rub elbows with Jesus. But he decided to focus in on the twelve.

Before he chose the twelve, he spent the night in prayer. How often do we pray about our friends and the type of people that we should bring in close to our lives, the type of people that God wants us to invest in? But Jesus was a really good friend. He was intentional with his friendships. He was intentional about giving and also receiving. Remember in the garden when he said to his disciples, "Here’s what I need you to do for me. Stay awake and pray." Not only did he give to his friends, but he also allowed himself to receive from his friends. So we can learn a lot from Jesus and how he engaged in life-giving relationships.

Jim Daly: You mention in *Soul Care* Genesis 2:18 where God says it’s not good for man to be alone and creates woman. I’ve never really stepped back to think about the tenderness of that and it’s such a more beautiful poetic way to think of God’s heart for us, that he saw that and he remedied that.

Deborah Fileta: He sees our needs sometimes before we see them. He offers us ways, healthy ways to fill those needs. I think the next step is for us to be able to see our needs and then have the humility to receive what he’s offered us to meet those needs in healthy ways.

Jim Daly: So often today we think of independence, especially again in North America. Our heritage is we forge through the forests and we manifest destiny and all those things. It’s ingrained in the culture. But that pioneering spirit and the loneliness of it, being out there at the edge of the sphere, you might say, isn’t a great place for a human being because God created us for relationship. In your research, you found some evidence that being alone is not a healthy place to be.

Deborah Fileta: It was almost scary to look at some of the research that showed that feeling lonely on a regular basis was almost as dangerous to your health as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day because ultimately the high levels of cortisol, the stress, lead to different types of disease. It was really fascinating to realize the effect that loneliness has on our physical body.

I think it goes back to the fact that God sees our needs. He knows it is not good for man to be alone. He knows that two are better than one. But I think it’s easy for us, especially when we’ve been hurt, to push people away, to put up a wall and armor up instead of softening our hearts and realizing that how we protect ourselves is with boundaries, not with a wall to keep ourselves safe. So I ask you to really consider who are those life-giving relationships in your life. If you don’t have them, prayerfully consider what it might look like to invite some people into your inner circle so that you can engage in life-giving relationships because God knows you need them and they’re healthy for your soul.

John Fuller: This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest is Deborah Fileta. We’re talking about some of the core concepts in her book *Soul Care* and it really is an excellent resource. It might be that you're feeling like you're running on empty or you know somebody who is. Get a copy of the book from us here today.

We also have counseling services available here at Focus on the Family. If you'd like to talk with somebody about your own struggles, we've got caring Christian counselors who can call you and during the course of a free phone consultation, they can pray with you and offer some guidance towards next steps. Contact our counseling team or request that book *Soul Care* when you call 800-A-FAMILY, 800-232-6459, or you'll find all the details at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim Daly: Deborah, you describe your mom as a servant-hearted person. I think we all know people like that. Maybe we perceive ourselves to be that kind of person, servant-hearted. But you admitted that you weren’t wired that way and you had to learn to do that. One, describe that affirmation of maybe having a deficit and overcoming it. How did you process that, seeing your mom, maybe wanting to be more like your mom, or what was it?

Deborah Fileta: It is interesting. I’ve kind of concluded that when you grow up being served to that level—I have a Middle Eastern mother, she loves to serve—you kind of get used to being served. And then when you’re asked to serve others, it’s like, "I don’t have that muscle quite yet because it’s atrophied over the years."

But I’ve realized that in maintaining relationships, healthy relationships, you have to give and receive. And so for me, I love to give in the ways of emotional connection, helping people emotionally through advice, through counseling, through prayer. But sometimes there’s a physical need. "Hey, can you drive me to the airport?" And as much as I don’t love to do those things, I have realized that you have to meet your friends where they’re at and you have to meet them with their needs. Whether or not it’s something that you’re good at, gifted at, or something you want to do, life-giving relationships require a level of sacrifice.

Jim Daly: Deborah, this is a delicate question and I’m not sure you cover it in the book, but I’m feeling it observing women particularly and some of the challenge 30, 40-something women are having today to try to be everything. I mean, you’re a psychologist, your husband’s a doctor, you have beautiful kids, you’re doing—it seems like you’re doing it all. I have a heart for women who are trying to be the traditional wife and mother yet in an era where professional development is so valued. How does a healthy Christian woman balance all these things? Not lean into worldly feminism and be the person that God needs her to be or wants her to be?

Deborah Fileta: I love that you asked that question because that’s something that I’m passionate about and have had to learn along the way. I think it starts with tweaking the belief system that you have to do it all. Because that is not a reality number one. You cannot do it all number two. You can only do what God has called you to do.

Even looking at my life from the outside in, you would think, "Oh she does all this and kids and life and homeschool and travel," but I have set up so many boundaries because I know my human capacity. I know my limits. What’s been amazing is as I have pulled back from different things, as I have said, "I can’t do this. I can only do this much. I am unable to do this," I have watched God take the small loaves and fish that I have and multiply it in ways that I could have never on my own. It builds your faith because you know when you focus on the things he’s called you to do and you focus on staying healthy and honoring him in that way, he’s like, "I got the rest. I will take care of the rest. You just do what I’ve called you to do and don’t believe the lie that you have to do it all." I feel like I’m living proof that God takes the little that you have and multiplies it.

Jim Daly: So that servant-hearted, connected attitude, let’s move to the next one, this tuning in to your inner world. Describe what that means.

Deborah Fileta: There’s so much of life that’s happening underneath the surface. Human beings are like a volcano and we have all of this pressure building underneath the surface of our life, all of this stress, these expectations, these feelings. Our tendency is to ignore them and shove them away and just keep living our life. But when we do that, this pressure, just like a volcano, has to find the point of least resistance and it will come out if we don’t deal with it. Usually, it comes out in an unhealthy way because the point of least resistance is usually something like rage, anger, relationship conflict, addictions, depression, anxiety.

In *Soul Care*, I talk a lot about how Jesus had so many different feelings that he addressed in Scripture. He not only felt the feelings, he responded to them. So it’s not that feelings are bad or good, healthy or unhealthy as we sometimes think. All feelings are a signal and we’re responsible for recognizing them and responding in healthy ways.

Jim Daly: This sounds a little more complicated perhaps than the others and that’s why we need to spend a few minutes on this. You had an example in *Soul Care* about a man who believed he was a burden to others. I feel like that is really attributable to a lot of women too, that they don’t want to be a burden so they don’t talk about what they’re really going through. We all do that. Doesn’t matter what gender we are. Describe that story and how is that belief impacting his life and how do we apply that to our own lives and identify, "Whoops, we might be in that same spot"?

Deborah Fileta: Sometimes we think that sharing our feelings with others is going to weigh them down, rather than realizing this is a point of intimacy. When you connect with people on that level, you’re inviting them into your life in a unique way. You’re inviting them into an intimate relationship rather than a superficial one.

But here’s what it starts with. It starts with us being aware of our own emotions. I think step two is finding people to share what’s going on inside of us, people that are going to help us. But we can’t do that if we’re not aware of what we’re feeling to begin with. I can’t tell you how many people in the counseling office come in and I say, "Okay, let’s talk about what are some feelings that are coming up in that situation?" And so many people will right away say, "I don’t know," because they haven’t had the time, the effort, the language—they might not even have the language to begin really thinking through that. To know that Jesus himself felt all of these different feelings—he felt sorrow, he felt anger, he felt gratitude, he felt compassion, he felt agony—he felt so many different things and he stopped to recognize the feeling and then express it and do something about it.

Jim Daly: It’s so good and it takes effort. It seems that’s the battle in life. It’s in our marriages, it’s in our parenting, just give these things some thought, especially through a scriptural lens. If we can do that, I think the answers from the Lord are very plain to see. It’s just our ability to see them.

Deborah Fileta: Proverbs 20:5 tells us that the purposes of a person's heart, what’s going on underneath the surface of our life, are like deep waters. But a person of insight draws them out. It takes work to draw out the waters underneath the surface of your life. But a person of insight, they can see what’s going on inside. It takes practice, it takes work. It’s like a muscle. We have to develop it, otherwise, when you don’t use it, you lose it.

Jim Daly: I know that. Let's go to the last one in our last few minutes here: savor.

Deborah Fileta: That’s my favorite one.

Jim Daly: Savor. What does that mean in the context of soul care?

Deborah Fileta: Savor life, be present in this life that God has given us. We’re often so distracted by what’s coming up ahead or so burdened by what’s happened in the past that we don’t take the time to really appreciate and be present in the moment that God has given us. This moment is a gift.

Jesus practiced savoring. You know one of my favorite verses as I was writing *Soul Care* was in Matthew 13 and it says Jesus left the house and went and sat by the lake. I had never seen that verse before. But to think that Jesus just wanted to sit by the lake, to enjoy the moment, to connect with God and this world that he had given him. I think sometimes we’re so distracted even by devices in our pocket, right? Our phones dinging, text messages, that we miss the gift of the present and the people that God has given us here and now.

Jim Daly: Well and I think what’s so good in the book, you describe it as a process. It’s not like you’re born with this like athletic ability or something. But you learn to appreciate, you learn to savor. It’s more attitudinal than some genetic thing, right?

Deborah Fileta: One hundred thousand percent. It’s a muscle that we have to develop and something that we have to learn to do. One thing that you can do to practice savoring is starting a gratitude journal. Don’t just write vague things, "I’m thankful for my family." Be very specific. What is it about your family? Who specifically in your family and what are you thankful for? It’s easy to focus on what we don’t have, what happened in the past, what we’re worried about in the future. But if we can stop for a few moments and be specifically grateful for what we have today, it tethers us to the present.

Jim Daly: You say in the book developing gratitude and praise is so critical to the crusty person. It just happens. Things happen in your life, you become crusty. Speak to that person at the end here. How does that crusty Christian become more of a person of gratitude and praise?

Deborah Fileta: That crusty Christian is most likely someone who has been through a lot of pain because pain has a tendency to do that to us. It has a tendency to bring up our walls and make us feel justified to sit in our pain. But I always say that gratitude is how we rebel against the pain. It’s our rebellion. No, I’m not going to let this weigh me down. I’m going to enjoy what God has given me. Not that I don’t acknowledge the pain—as a counselor, I’m all about acknowledging the pain and healing the pain—but gratitude is how we begin to rebel and decide, "Am I going to fixate on the pain, or am I going to fixate on the present that God has given me here and now?"

John Fuller: What a great message from Deborah Fileta who's been our guest these past couple of days and her book is a really powerful resource, *Soul Care: Find Life-Giving Rhythms, Live Restored, Avoid Burnout, and Discover Unspeakable Joy*. We'll recommend you get the book when you make a monthly pledge or a one-time gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today. We'll say thank you for joining the support team by sending it out to you. And our commitment is to provide you with practical Bible-based advice and insight and encouragement for you and your family because we want to help you grow closer to God and to each other.

Jim Daly: John, I’m reminded of a comment we received from a mom named Lauren who described how her parents weren’t well-equipped to raise her. Once Lauren became an adult and had a family of her own, she was looking for guidance on how to love her husband and children properly. She said, "Focus on the Family has helped fill that void and so much more. I have found so many books, resources, and messages that have grown my faith, and Focus will help you and your family." That's so good to get that kind of testimony. That’s what we’re trying to do each and every day on this program and through the resources we’ve talked about. Now you can be part of the family building team when you give generously to this ministry. Like John said, a monthly pledge or one-time gift will really help us. Let's see what kind of impact God will allow us to have on more Laurens and their families.

John Fuller: Call today 800-A-FAMILY, 800-232-6459, or donate and get Deborah's book *Soul Care* at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. If today's conversation has raised any concerns about issues in your own life that you're struggling with, we'd be happy to connect you with one of our caring Christian counselors. They're available to hear your story and pray with you and direct you to the help you need.

A lot of families are traveling this summer. If that's you and you're anywhere near Colorado Springs, be sure to stop by for a visit. We'd be happy to show you the ministry and what God's been doing and allow you to burn some steam off, let the kids run around in our play area, get some food at Whit's End Soda Shop, and see our wonderful bookstore. We've got all the details on the website. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.