Focus on the Family

Jim Daly: Welcome to Focus on the Family's weekend broadcast. We hope the following program will challenge you and encourage you in your faith journey.

Jay: It was just, it was a great memory. I don't remember the spiritual significance of that one. I really don't. It was just plain fun. And that's another thing.

Stuff in this book is just fun. You know, and again, the minor things, making memories with your children. I think that's what at least at my age, that's what I cherish is those memories.

Jim Daly: Well, that's Jay Lafoon and he and his wife Laura join us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and they're going to be talking about activities you can do as a mom or a dad with your kids. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

Jim Daly: It's possible you're just getting through the motions of life. You're busy, you may have a job outside the home as a mom and probably as a dad, you're working hard. And it comes to that point when you're going, man, we're just, we're just going through the motions. Listen, focus on the family, we don't want you to simply survive. We want you to thrive as you are married and building your marriage and especially on parenting too. So you're able to thrive in Christ, which is, I think a great slogan.

Jay: That is the goal. And I appreciate that.

Jim Daly: And today we're going to talk specifically about how to do that in the parenting journey, particularly for dads, but there's application for mom too. But dads, we need to be engaged, it's not just mom's job to raise the kids, and I hope we prove that to you today.

Jay: Yeah, Jay and Laura Lafoon, our authors and speakers, they've written a terrific little book called Ultimate Dad Night, 75 Amazing Activities for Dads and Kids. You can learn more at focusonthefamily.com/weekend.

Jim Daly: Jay and Laura, welcome back to Focus.

Jay: Great to be here.

Laura: Great to be here.

Jim Daly: Always fun. Let me just get to the point, why do dads struggle to engage? Now, let me give dads some relief, because one of the things I experienced with Trent and Troy, when they were like less than two, I didn't know what to do with them. I wasn't great at changing the diapers, I wasn't big on feeding them with the spoon and then them spit it all up. Of course I did it. Jean was far better at that. But I remember thinking to myself, like most of us dads, when does this change? When can they throw a ball? When they when can they run with me outside? When can we do some kind of action? So speak to that issue of dad engagement and we kind of start slow, I think.

Jay: I think for me, I was afraid I was going to break them. I'm seriously, you know, here's this little person and she was great with them and and I think part of it is that the whole concept of it's something new, it's a new person. And how do we yeah, you know, how do we relate to them? And I think for most men, it's fear. There's a fear.

Jim Daly: That's interesting, yeah.

Jay: And and that fear translates into flight. You know, it's fight or flight. It turns into flight for a lot of guys. And when really um children want their dads to be involved in their life.

Jim Daly: Oh yeah.

Jay: Children want that, even from the earliest age. And uh that's why I think this book is so important is because it gives uh dads opportunity to do things because as men, we like to participate in activities together and not just sit and talk and this is what this is all about for the dads.

Jim Daly: Okay, thank you, Jay. Let's go to the expert. Laura, you're the observer mom. Why do you think dads struggle to engage?

Laura: I think it's the way God's created us. As women we're more nurturing. As men, I don't know what you guys are.

Jim Daly: We're going to keep you off balance as long as possible.

Laura: You're something, but you know, you are something. But we're more nurturing, so it's just we're more relational in that, so we automatically, and there's something inside a woman that just I need to take care of this person. Um it also applies to our husbands, I need to take care of you. Um and so I think for men, there's a, at least for the men I've observed, when a new baby comes into your life, there's a bit of a power struggle. You know, my wife is now taking care of this. She's not taking care of me anymore.

Jim Daly: We're the little boy.

Laura: Exactly. I want to be taken care of. So I think that starts it, but I think it's also exactly what Jay said. It's uh, I don't know what to do. I just know from observing him, he was like, I don't know what to do with this child. Just tell me what to do, you know, how do I change the diaper? And for women, sometimes we just, I don't know why we just know how to do that, but we do. And, you know, it just was it, I feel like it's just a God-given innate ability that we have. And it's not that God didn't give men that, but men are more companion oriented. Even when you talk about marriage, men want to do stuff with their wife, they don't want to like Jay said, we don't want to sit and talk and share our feelings and all that stuff. They want to, let's go ride a bike, let's go play golf, let's go. So it's that.

Jay: Yeah.

Laura: It's not that they don't want to be with their kids, they just when they're little, you can't throw a ball, you can't make them run. They can't do that.

Jim Daly: Things become much more exciting when they could do that with me. It was much more engaging.

Laura: And it's a lot easier then. Now I know what to do. Now it's into my territory. Now I know what to do.

Jim Daly: Um let me move to uh Laura, you. What would you say to wives who want to see their husbands get more involved? And you know, it's kind of one of those things, and this is a natural thing for a wife to do, honey, I think you should. And fill in the blank. How does an effective wife uh notice that there's maybe not the engagement level that she would like? And then how does she spur her man on to become more of the father she wants him to be?

Laura: I can answer that a couple different ways. First of all, you're right, we try and tell this is you should do this, you should do that. What we need to do, and I hope that women who maybe buy this book for their husbands will realize, let him be who he is. You know, don't, I would never tell Jay to take our son to a monster truck rally, because he wouldn't do that anyway. He would take our son golfing. Um but, you know, let them be who they are and let that come out naturally. Um if, in fact, if you were to get this book for your husband, you know, first of all, 75 amazing activities. A man's going to go, 75, where do I start? Well, you could go ahead as a wife and just put in some little Post-it notes or whatever, maybe five or six, but then

Jim Daly: This one sounds like you, honey.

Laura: But then just give it, don't say anything. Here, this, I've already like tagged some for if you want to. The other thing is we need to realize as women that our husbands are not mind readers and they don't get subtle hint and innuendo. So it's the classic, if you take a trash can out and stick it in the middle of the floor and say, the trash is full.

Jim Daly: Yes, it is.

Laura: Exactly.

Jim Daly: You're observant.

Laura: So instead of, could you take out the trash? And so it's the same thing when it comes to your kids, um could you help me give the kids a bath? So could you give them baths on Monday, Wednesday, Friday?

Jim Daly: In that context, that is helpful and husbands should receive it that way. It's good help to know what the runway lights where they're going, what are you expecting of me? I would appreciate that as much as possible.

Laura: But then as a wife we also have to watch our tone of voice.

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Laura: That we don't become you should know how to do this or

Jim Daly: Thank you. I was going to ask you to demonstrate that tone.

Laura: The nagging of, why can't you do this? You know, whatever. So I'm going to get myself in trouble.

Jim Daly: Yeah. Hey, before before I throw one Jay's way here, let's end with another one for you, Laura. In this book again, this doesn't exclude moms from participation. And uh just speak to that relevance that we want moms involved if they can be and dad has a plan for that and it works out. So this isn't about just compartmentalizing fun with dad.

Laura: Right. It's not. It's the intent was to just give men ideas for things that they can do with their kids. Um mom can participate, it could be a family activity. I know for us we've we've done several of them together. But also it seems like when we as women go with, again, let him be the leader in doing the activity. Don't try and take over and say, oh, we should have done this this way. We should have gone to this ice cream place instead of that ice cream place or whatever it might be. Or as a mom, a grandma, you can use the book too for the activities. It doesn't necessarily just have to be for dads, but

Jay: That's good.

Laura: because we we run into a lot of grandparents who are parenting their grandkids.

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Laura: And again, for grandparents who are looking for something to do, another great resource.

Jim Daly: The good thing is you'll forget you did it and you'll do it again. Hey, uh let's get into a couple of these just as examples so that folks listening and the YouTube watchers, they can get an idea. One, John, that you picked out as you went through the book was funny, because this is for an older child, obviously.

Jay: Well, yeah, you can start young. I mean, it's detailing your car. It's sort of like wash and detail the car.

Jim Daly: I would not want my two-year-old detailing my car. I'm just saying.

Jay: This is on page 76. You might have to go back and redo it. But I love the idea because it's an it's an activity, but it also benefits me. It does cause a little It does cause a little extra work, however, in training, right?

Jim Daly: Yeah, but you can let the six-year-old hold the Windex and the paper towel, you know.

Jay: Yeah, exactly.

Jim Daly: So describe what that one is all about.

Jay: Well, that one is about the fact that as you do this work together, as you're cleaning this car, um you're clearly spending time with your child. You're you're teaching your child um healthy work ethic and healthy habits to keep your car clean. I mean, there's just a million things that are behind the scenes. But it's also that God cares about every detail of our life. You know, and and these are the simple things we've done in this book is to just say, this isn't rocket science. We're not talking about deep theology. But dads, don't you want your kids to know? Moms, don't you want your kids to know that God cares about every detail of our life?

Jim Daly: Yeah. You know what, what pops my mind is that a great proverb that says train up a child in the way he or she should go and when they're old, they won't depart from it. And that these are simple things that you're talking about, how to, you know, there is no thing cleanliness is next to godliness in the Bible, but order, uh, you know, doing order from chaos is certainly a

Jay: And being a good steward of what we've been given.

Jim Daly: Yeah. So those concepts I'm I'm getting at, that's the point you're making.

Jay: I I think so. And I think, um, this is cliché, but Morris Caught and taught.

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Jay: You know, you're going to you're going to demonstrate, you're going to model this behavior for your children.

Jim Daly: What's another one that you enjoyed with your kids as they were growing up?

Jay: I was telling Laura. Um, we went on vacation. Our son was six, Laura was pregnant with our daughter. And um, my parents were there, a couple other relatives were there. And we had this giant water balloon fight. And my six-year-old could not believe that that we were going to have this water balloon fight. And I mean, he was just giddy. And of course, you know,

Jim Daly: You nailed him, right?

Jay: He was on my team. We nailed We nailed grandma.

Jim Daly: Poor grandma. That's terrible. Don't write or call us. Send your notes to Jay.

Jay: It was, you know. What what he didn't realize was that we were at a rental house, you know, for the vacation. And we had to pick up all the balloons when we were done, you know. But um it was just it was a great memory. I don't remember the spiritual significance of that one. I really don't. It was just plain fun. And that's another thing. Stuff in this book is just fun. You know, and again, the minor things making memories with your children. I think that's what at least at my age, that's what I cherish is those memories.

Jim Daly: Well, and this you you know, now that my boys are 24 and 22, I think they have forgotten it, right? And they'll come back to something when they were a single digit young man, six and eight, let's say. And say, Dad, you remember when we did? I'm going, no, I don't. But it's stuck with them. They do remember those moments. And I think our brain chemistry kind of fires that way. God created us that way when something exciting happens or fun like that, it sears into our brain and our memory. Speaking of that, uh Laura, I wanted to ask you about the benefits of dads engaging and playing with their kids. You you did a little bit of research on the benefits of that. What are they?

Laura: You know, I think the benefits of a dad playing in a culture where um men not of their own accord have taken a back seat, have taken a beating, have taken a, you know, we're not as important. Um, I think when a dad is engaged with a son or a daughter, there's a relationship that's built that is not acknowledged by our culture. Um when when Jay would, one of the things he would do with our daughter was he would take her on dad-daughter dates. You know, sometimes it was a dress-up date. Um the big thing right now is these daddy-daughter dances, you know, where they all get dressed up and they. But you're teaching your daughter how she should expect to be treated by a man. Right. Um, you know, and that he would take her and they would go, sometimes it was just ice cream, but it was just the two of them. And then obviously he would do stuff with our son as well. And I think for a child, when someone starts talking to you about God the Father, God is our Father, if you don't have a father model in your brain, you can't understand that. And so when a man takes a role in the life of his child, they are more able to see when someone says God the Father to go, oh, like my dad. So he's going to be like a dad and that feels a little more personal, feels a little more. So I think one of the benefits is that you exemplify God the Father when you are a dad getting involved in the life of your child.

Jim Daly: You're modeling that.

Laura: Yes.

Jim Daly: No, that's so true. Or you're damaging that.

Laura: Right. Either way.

Jim Daly: Yes. It's a good reminder for all of us as parents to make sure that you're thinking of that long game. You know, when you face the Lord, can you say to the Lord, I did the best job possible to parent and to steward that child you gave me or those children you gave me? What a great place to start to keep your day-by-day attitude in check so that you're doing the best you can. Doesn't mean you're going to lose it. You may and you got to go back in and then apologize. But it it's probably one of the things that grieves my heart the most when we get communication here at Focus about a seriously damaged person because their parents who claimed to be Christian did not live up to it and these children tend to go far away from the Lord because of that. Think of that.

Laura: Right.

Jim Daly: And we need to make sure we're doing all we can. So in this way, you're doing those things. So try to live a life that is in alignment with the scripture, knowing that we're not perfect. Tell your kids you're not perfect.

Jay: It's a good thing. And whether we believe it or not, our kids are watching us like hawks.

Jim Daly: More than anybody in our lives, maybe outside of our wives, right? This Focus on the Family broadcast will continue in just a moment. This is John Fuller, and Father's Day is a time to honor those men who lead their families with courage. On the new seasonal podcast from Focus on the Family, Legacy of Courage, we uplift dads with real stories, sharing humor, tender moments, and lessons that'll stay with you. Hearing from first-time dads to adoptive dads to seasoned pros, you'll be reminded about the power of a father rooted in God's strength and why showing up matters. You'll find it at celebratingfathers.com.

Ad: I feel like I blinked and now my newborn can walk and talk. Kids change so fast, don't they? It can be hard to keep up with each new phase. That's why I love Focus on the Family's Age and Stage newsletter. Each week, I get an email with resources curated by experts. They're full of biblically and clinically based tips tailored to your child, no matter what age they are. You can sign up today at mykidsage.com. That's mykidsage.com.

Jim Daly: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming.

Jim Daly: Some moms can get discouraged because they have to deal with those hard or boring parts of parenting. I mean, moms particularly, I was thinking of Jean, she did biochemistry. You know, she could have been a veterinarian. That was her goal, but she chose to let's have children and that's why I'm going to pour my life into. And she did it very willingly and wanted to and my boys were the beneficiaries of having a great mom. Um speak to that uh kind of thing where how you as a mom are saying, okay, this is the decision I'm going to make, this is the call I have, this is what I'm going to do.

Laura: Yes, I felt um I knew from a very early age I was called, I I was going to be a mom. I loved kids. I worked at the church nursery as a pre-adolescent. I was, give me the nursery work, I want to be in there, I loved kids. And so I knew, that wasn't a difficult decision for me. I knew I'd been called to ministry. Um that we were going to work together in ministry, but I knew working in ministry was a way I could be flexible with our life. I could be flexible with being home with the kids, um but I know some moms deal with, well, how come I have to be the bad parent and he gets to be the fun parent?

Jim Daly: Did you ever say that to Jay?

Laura: No.

Jay: No.

Laura: No, because ours was opposite. I was

Jim Daly: You were the fun one.

Jay: I grew up in a home, my father was a minister who was in the military.

Jim Daly: Oh, good.

Jay: So, I was left, right, left, right. Yeah, exactly. So I was the bad guy in our home.

Laura: And when you traveled, you were speaking, he was traveling and speaking before we were doing that together. And so whenever he was gone for the weekend, the kids and I had a party. I mean, that was just we we ate out at McDonald's, we played games.

Jay: Pizza.

Laura: We didn't do anything.

Jay: I'd come home, the house was a mess.

Laura: But we still had those conversations. We still had those conversations of, how come I have to be the stern parent and you get to be the fun parent? And I had to realize that, you know, that really is not fair. I need to be on a team with him and we have to come at this as a united front and and that was just when our kids would say, can I go spend the night at Daniel's house? Our son would say, can I go spend the night at Daniel's house? I would have, I would say, we have to wait and dad and I talk about it. We have to present that united front.

Jim Daly: And Jay, and uh one of the ideas is to kind of stretch outside of your comfort zone. So, uh what's the importance of that? Why should my kids see me maybe failing? Because like I I just hear failure when I stretch outside my comfort zone.

Jay: Yes.

Jim Daly: Let's try a new activity. It'll be dangerous. It might go south. But let's try it. I don't I'm not wired that way, right? But a lot of guys aren't going to go there.

Jay: Ego.

Jim Daly: Why should we?

Jay: That's good.

Jim Daly: We all have

Jay: Well, there is a pride issue. I will tell you that we've got a uh rock climbing wall at our college. And uh I am short in stature, I am stocky, I'm thick. Climbing rocks is not something that I was designed to do. But our our son wanted to do it. And so I said I'll I'll give it a try. And of course he just scampered right up the wall, you know, eight or nine years old, had no fear. And um, I got about halfway up and then I was done. I just couldn't I but I tried. And I think for for another great lesson for your kids is that you gave it a try. You put some effort into it. He knew that that was not my comfort zone. But that was something he wanted to do, so I'll give it a try. Um, thank goodness, he never wanted to do it again.

Jim Daly: Yeah. No, I, you know, I had a similar experience with Troy, my younger son. We went to uh something that Focus does from time to time, Adventures in Fatherhood. So these are dads and their 12 to 18-year-old children, either a son or a daughter. And I took Troy. I took him a year or two early, but, you know, because it was a Focus event, I could sneak him in. But uh we're up on the prow in the Sierra Madre, isn't it California? And this thing's like a 200-foot drop and we're roped in and he's trying to come over this rock face. He slams into the rock in front of him and he starts crying. And I'm holding my weight. I'm a big guy like you, right? And I'm going, Troy, man, we got to get down. I know you're afraid. Just work your way down when you can. I've got to go. And then I was gone. And I get to the bottom, I'm waiting for him. So my face, seeing him in tears, I felt horrible. And then he lands, he looks at me and he goes, Dad, that was so much fun. We got to do that again. And I was like, oh my, what a man we have become in 200 feet. And that's your point. And that the other thing is, three of the six dads in our little pod had to bail out because of height. And that night we're doing a devotion around the campfire. And to hear their 10, 11, 12-year-olds go, Dad, why were you afraid? They have never seen their father afraid. And they had to say something in the middle of this devotional to say, you know, I don't like heights, or however they wanted to express that. But I think the kids were, again, amazed because I think so often kids look at their fathers as perfect or flawless, or they're big and they're, you know, they're my dad. And they can do anything, right? That's what we think at that age.

Jay: I was more out of my comfort zone with our daughter doing things with her. You know, you know what I'm saying? Because, Dad, let's go do sidewalk chalk. Well, first of all, I'm not artistic. Second of all, I don't like stuff on my fingers. I mean, you know, it's all this stuff. I'm thinking, I don't want to do that, but that's what she wanted to do. And so, you know, sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's just inconvenient. But when you step outside of your comfort zone, your kids notice.

Jim Daly: How do you encourage uh Jay, dads to set that example for kids on practically following God and serving others? These are all little, like you said, life lessons, but they should have an aim.

Jay: Again, I think as a dad, it's it's best done through activity.

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Jay: You know, and uh

Jim Daly: Shoulder to shoulder.

Jay: Exactly. One of the things that we did, um, and our kids will remember it to this day and they talk about it, is um, we had a a woman in our neighborhood who was recently widowed. And it was fall in Michigan, and that means there are leaves everywhere. And uh our small group said, let's get all of our family, you know, you bring all your kids, we'll bring all our kids and we'll do Mrs. Philippon's uh yard in an hour or so. And Mrs. Philippon was flabbergasted. She couldn't believe someone would do this for her. And, you know, we had an opportunity that evening to talk about it, what it meant to the children. You know, what what did you learn today? That we really need to serve other people. And that when you do serve other people, you bless them. And I mean, our kids were maybe 13 and six at the time. This is not like they were older, but uh they really learned that because we went out and we did service together.

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Jay: And churches offer stuff like this all the time that you can do with your kids. So take advantage of that.

Jim Daly: Laura, you jumped in on that one, right?

Laura: Oh, yeah. Raking? Sure. I raked, I brought the lemonade. No. No, we did. It was a fun day, and it's fall in Michigan, so the kids were playing in the leaves, then they'd have to rake them back up. But I was going to say it's about the failure. I think it's good to let your kids see you fail. Good to let your kids see that you have fears. And also letting them know that fear's not a bad thing.

Jim Daly: Yeah.

Laura: But what I'm afraid of might be different than what you're afraid of. You know, I'm afraid of bridges over water and my kids used to think that was hilarious. Why? I said, because I'm afraid the car's going to go off the edge of the. That just it was something that I'd been afraid of since I was young. And the kids are like, okay, I can understand that. You know, I can't I don't necessarily understand it, but I'm going to let you be afraid, mom. I'm not going to make fun of you. Um, but allowing kids to realize that what you're afraid of isn't necessarily what I'm afraid of. But we all have fear. Yeah. And what we do with it makes a difference.

Jay: I think the overarching idea here is to let your kids see you have emotions.

Laura: Mhm.

Jim Daly: That's a good thing.

Jay: Yeah, it's a good thing.

Jim Daly: Dads struggle with that.

Jay: I I know and I I I don't understand why, because maybe I'm, you know, different, but, you know, I wanted my kids to see when I was sad. I wanted them to see when I was angry. But to be angry and not explode, you know, this really is not something I'm happy about, but I'm not going to explode over it. Or, you know, to let them see you cry. If if, you know, and and not that it's a big, you're going to bawl your eyes out, but if have that tear run down your cheek, they're they're going to realize you're human. And that you express emotions and it's safe for them to express emotions.

Jim Daly: It's a good thing. Right at the end here, you did have an activity or two in the area of teaching your children to be intentional about prayer. So let's connect that right at the end here. That to me is probably the most important lesson you could ever share with your child is how to take your uh needs and pains to the Lord.

Jay: We no longer live in a neighborhood. We live in a around a block kind of neighborhood. But we lived in in town, had a block and uh one of the things that we encouraged dads to do is to take your children around the block. And as you go around the block, say, hey, there's the Smiths. That's the family that right now they just lost their grandfather. Can we pray for them? Just as we're walking.

Jim Daly: Oh, interesting. Yeah.

Jay: And and okay, here's here's your best buddy. Why don't we pray for him that he has a good day today? And and as you go around the block, you know, at least in our small town, you know everybody. And so take some intentional time to just pray. And again, men fear this. It doesn't have to be some big elaborate prayer. Just, God, little Jimmy, he's Tori's best friend. Would you give him a good day today? Boom. The Lord hears that and the and the kids hear you talking to God like he's approachable.

Jim Daly: Right.

Jay: And that's huge.

Jim Daly: That's so good. Well, what a good place to end and again, you got 75 amazing activities for dads and kids. Make a gift of any amount. Jump on board with us. Let's save more marriages, save more families, save babies from abortion. When you give to Focus, that's what it goes to. A bunch of good stuff. And uh why don't you make a gift of any amount, 5, $10 and we'll send you this great resource, Ultimate Dad Night, as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry. For grandparents, get it for your adult children. Have that discussion with your son or your son-in-law and say, here's a way to engage your kids and it can be fun and not uh fearful.

Jay: Yeah, donate as you can. Uh when you stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or you can call 800, the letter A and the word family. That's 800-232-6459.

Jim Daly: Jay and Laura, it's so good to have you. Thanks for coming.

Jay: Hey, it's our pleasure.

Laura: Our pleasure.

Jim Daly: Yeah. And if you want to come visit the campus, we got a great welcome center with lots of activities. We got a soda shop, a little snack shop, along with a great bookstore. Make it a plan to come and visit us this summer along with probably another 100,000 people that love to do that. So be part of it, come see the campus, we'd love to host you.

John Fuller: Yeah, and all the details for a campus visit are going to be online. We'll link over to those on the website. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

John Fuller: You're listening to Focus on the Family's weekend broadcast. We'll take a quick break here and then return with another faith-building program for your family. Stay tuned.

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Ted Cunningham: Enjoying life and marriage according to Ecclesiastes 9:9 is a decision, it's not an outcome. It's something you choose, not something you wait for. Not waiting for a certain season in life. You make the decision, let's enjoy life together.

John Fuller: Well, Ted Cunningham is our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and he'll share encouragement for every marriage at every stage. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, I always enjoy hearing Ted speak about marriage because he combines biblical principles with great stories of his own family and some humor as well. He is so fun to listen to. You're going to hear it. And today's message was given at Liberty University and he's encouraging the young people there to consider getting married sooner rather than later, which I think is great advice. And he has some wonderful marriage principles to share with all of us. Principles that will apply to your marriage and mine too.

John Fuller: Yeah, and I always appreciate hearing from Ted, so let's go ahead and listen now. Ted Cunningham speaking on Valentine's Day, appropriately enough, on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.

Ted Cunningham: So hey, you never know. I I met my wife on a blind date at Liberty University in 1995. The night I met her, I said to my buddy, Austin De Loach, I'm going to marry this woman. And he looked at me and said, you can't decide that. I go, I just did. And I'll never forget walking into the kitchen of her six-foot-two, full-blooded Norwegian father. He's pretty much a Viking. You got to see this guy. Very intimidating. I said, I'd like permission to marry your daughter, to which he responded in his thick Norwegian accent, "You betcha." I said, but only under one condition. I had just graduated. Amy had one year left. I wanted to break all the rules. I wanted to get married between her junior and senior year. So I said, may I have permission to marry her now? And if you let me marry her now, I will pay for her senior year of college. To which he said, "You betcha." And young guys will always ask me at events and at churches, bro, how did you get married at 22 and 21 and afford to pay for a senior year of college? I said, it was this thing called a job. I had more than one. And I love it when they say, I can't afford to get married young. I'm like, bro, I would believe that if you weren't holding a Venti Caramel Macchiato in your right hand and an iPhone in your left. You need to start thinking Folgers and flip phones, bro. You cannot start marriage with a wife and unlimited data. You really got to think this through. But you can afford to get married young. I'm convinced of it. And you haven't started marriage right until you get your parents' hand-me-down mattress. I'm just saying. The dip already built in. That's a good way to start marriage. Don't go to Ethan Allen. Don't go to Ethan Allen. Go to Home Depot. Buy 1x12s and cinder blocks, and that's how you have shelving. There's a lot of ways to get marriage started right. And I'm encouraging young people to get married. My son and I, we love watching YouTube clips together. His favorite YouTube clip is the German Coast Guard. If you get time, check that out sometime today. Guys being trained day one on the German Coast Guard, and a Mayday comes in. Mayday, Mayday, we are sinking, we are sinking. Ah, hello. This is the German Coast Guard. Mayday, Mayday, we are sinking, we are sinking. Uh, what are you sinking about? My son thinks that's the funniest clip he's ever seen. Falls over in laughter. A few weeks later, we're driving down the road. And I start singing a hymn from my childhood that goes like this: I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore. And from the back seat, I heard, and what were you sinking about? And I looked at my wife and I said, they see everything we do. They hear everything we say. They forget nothing. And then they repeat. And so, I want, my desire 22 years into marriage, is to have a marriage worth repeating. In the Song of Solomon, you see the daughters of Jerusalem. And they say this about the young budding love of Solomon and the Shulamite woman. We rejoice and delight in you. We will praise your love more than wine. My desire is to praise the love of young people, to rejoice and delight in what God is doing in young budding love. I have that passion. I have it for my children. I don't want them to be afraid of marriage. I want to model it well for them. And and so I tell Amy all the time, we we are our children's backup singers. We say this in our country music little town called Branson, Missouri, all the time. Every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers. And we desire to start by being great backup singers to our children. I want them to get married one day. I want them to get married early. I I I tell them all the time, you don't have to wait to get married. You you can get married and grow up together. I used to sit where you're sitting. Every Wednesday, Dr. Fallwell would speak at convocation and he constantly told us, don't leave this campus without a wife. He was always being a great backup singer. And I'm grateful he did because I I I met Amy on this campus and now we're raising two children that we desire to model marriage well for. But some of you have maybe not had the great models. For Amy and I, uh we we decided years ago, we want a marriage that's going to be fun. Because some of some of you maybe have heard this message in church growing up and it goes something like this, God gives you a spouse to beat you down. And to suck the life out of you. So you can be more like Jesus. And I want to take you to Ecclesiastes this morning briefly. I love the book of Ecclesiastes. It's dark, it's pessimistic, very much fits my personality. If you need a good winner read, go to Ecclesiastes. Chapter one, life is hard. Chapter 12, then you die. These are the bookends of Ecclesiastes. And in the middle of this book, you get Ecclesiastes chapter 9 verses 7 through 9. And it says this, go, eat your food with gladness and drink your sparkling cider with a joyful heart. I clean that up for the Liberty way. Let's stay focused this morning. Drink your wine with a joyful heart, for now God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white and always anoint your head with oil. It's speaking there of joy and festivity. And then in verse 9 of chapter 9, it says, endure life with your wife all your miserable days. It doesn't say that. I just misquoted. Here's what it says, enjoy life with your wife whom you love all your meaningless days, for this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Meaning, you don't have to choose between life and a wife. You can have both at the same time. I meet young guys all the time that tell me, I can't I can't get married. I don't want to get married. Or I meet guys that have gotten married and they say, you know, I got married young, but I had big dreams and plans and goals for the future. But when I got married, that all changed. God doesn't give you a spouse to beat you down and suck the life out of you. He didn't he doesn't give you a spouse to be the grind of life. He gives you a spouse to go through the grind of life with. And for some of you, marriage is not on your radar right now, but according to research, you got about a 90% shot of walking down the aisle one day. And I just want to encourage you. I just want to encourage you this morning. When it comes to love, it doesn't matter how you meet. When it comes to enjoying life and marriage according to Ecclesiastes, it doesn't matter how you meet. It's what you do after you meet. I tell people all the time, I don't care how you meet, eHarmony.com, Match.com, FarmersOnly.com. Ancestry.com. I don't care how you meet. The the bachelor. How you meet doesn't matter. It's what you do after you meet. And here's the bottom line. Enjoying life and marriage according to Ecclesiastes 9:9 is a decision, it's not an outcome. It's something you decide, it's something you choose, not something you wait for. Not waiting for a certain season in life. You make the decision, let's enjoy life together. And be honest with you, the first seven years of marriage, Amy and I, we we did not enjoy it. We got to the point, I mean we, we were in love and we were committed and we removed the D-word, the divorce word from our marriage. But man, we had the struggles early in marriage, as many young couples do. Until about seven years in, we made the decision that we were going to enjoy life together. And my wife, Amy, is way better at this than I am. She said, you know what? We're going to have fun with everything. Anything irritating, frustrating, annoying, pet peeves, we're just going to choose to find a way to enjoy life together. And she said, I'm going to let you pick the first topic, the issue that we may have and I'm going to show you how we can have fun with everything. So this is what I told her. This is where I started. It's where I was at the time. I said, babe, there's not a lot of adventure for men in the world anymore. So would you please let me find my own parking space? I want to do it all by myself. I want to provide this for my family. And she she said, all right, game on. And and I I I pull past her third space from the door spot, she picks out. I drive 20 spaces down. And the first few years of marriage, she just looked at me with those eyes that said, you stubborn, stubborn man. Just just take the help. Receive the help. And I'm nope, I got it. We are going to walk, right? I was passionate about this. Now, all these years later, every time we pull into a parking lot. I find the spot still. And my wife does this and I love it. She leans over and she starts massaging my bicep. And she'll say, you did this all by yourself. I'm so proud of you. You know what I caught her doing a couple years ago? She knows those Andy's Candies at the end of an Olive Garden meal are like crack to me. I love Andy's Candies. I can't get enough of the Andy's Candies. She bought a bag of them and she keeps them in her purse now for when I do something good. Ladies, on your date tonight, take a little bag of treats, okay? Because it was in a parking lot that she handed me my first one, and I ripped that thing out of her hand. I'm opening it up, and I realize, huh, my wife just gave me a treat. She is rewarding my good behavior. I am a dog. I was all right, you got to be good with it and you got to go with it. Having fun. I love, I just started studying comedy about the last year and a half. And comedy is very simple. It's premise punchline, premise punchline, premise punchline. My favorite thing is the callback. The callback is where you bring a punchline from earlier in the set and you bring it off of a different premise 10, 15, 20 minutes later. And and I as I studied that I go, why why don't we do that as couples? Why don't we turn every conflict like a parking lot situation into a callback and have fun with it instead of always being irritated with each other. Instead of always choose to have fun because enjoying life and marriage is about having fun. It's about choosing to have fun. It flows from the same place, your character, the commitment flows from. So here's how I do it now. Now, some of you are going to find this early in marriage or in your dating right now. My wife would ask me questions when we were first married, thinking I had the answers to everything she asked me. And I'd be like, why do you think I know this? We'd drive through a construction zone and she'd be like, hey babe, yeah, what are they doing right here? I don't I uh let's see. I I wasn't involved in any of the meetings on this project. I have absolutely no idea what's going on here. And I used to drive down the road going, why why does she think I know these and she, you know why? She's wanting to connect with me. She's not looking for information. Guys, we make this mistake a lot. We think when she's asking questions that she needs answers. No, she needs connection. She needs us just to listen and to talk. So watch, now here's how I've turned that into a callback. When we drive through a construction zone, to have fun, she'll say, hey babe, what are they doing right here? I turn into the construction form and I told him, rip it up, boys. We're going 12 lanes, not six. You got to have fun with it. Roll down the window, talk to the construction workers as you go by like you're the foreman. This Focus on the Family broadcast will continue in just a moment.

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John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming.

Ted Cunningham: You don't have to look for greener grass. I want you to think about for just a second, the guy who's who's at home and he turns on an eHarmony match.com or ourtime.com commercial. And he sees a couple twirling around on the screen. And he thinks to himself, boy, I'd like to have that right now, but I can never have that because we never took a test. We we we don't we'll never have that. And and I always tell the guys in our church, stop looking for greener grass. Where there's greener grass, there is a septic leak. Stay home and water your own lawn. For a good time, call home. But he sees, you know, if I want to have fun again in life, if I want to enjoy life again, I need to find someone new. No. Here's the bottom line. You will never find compatibility. You'll never discover it. There's not an algorithm in the world that can put you with someone compatible. Compatibility is something you choose, it's something you create. It's a decision that you make. Now my wife and I, we come from two very different backgrounds. I grew up Independent Fundamental Premillennial King James Version only Baptist. I have what's known as a guilt-prone nature. She grew up Assembly of God, set free in Jesus, right? So she I see all signs on the road as laws to be followed. You you break one, you go to jail, God stops loving you. That's how I view signs. She sees all signs on the road as suggestions for other people. Very different. I grew up in a home that taught savings was money you put away for a rainy day. She grew up seeing savings as the difference between the actual price and the sale price. She has two love languages. If you know what a love language is, it's the way we give and receive love. Her she has two love languages, acts of service and quality time, which means I serve her for long periods of time. That's how I show Amy Cunningham love. We make the choice to enjoy life together. We're watching movies. We love watching movies. For Amy, watching a movie means surfing Pinterest and reading a magazine. Which puts all of the burden of watching the movie on me. Something will happen and she'll be like, oh, what just happened? Oh, this wears me out. I have to pause the movie and say, hey, there was an explosion on the space station. Big piece of metal broke off and hit the space shuttle. Now they're stuck in outer space. She goes, oh, what are they going to do? Again, this is that question needing information. I'm not an astronaut. I have absolutely no idea. But I bet if we watch the rest of the movie together, we'll know how to fix a space shuttle the next time we need that information. Choosing to have fun together. It's another great passage, Genesis 2:24 says, for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two become one flesh. The first half of that verse is a parenting verse. Uh that you should leave home. You and you're already starting on that journey, but you should leave home. It's not God's plan for your life to be in your parents' basement at 35 with Star Wars bedsheets on your bed. That's not his plan. He wants you to leave and to separate. And it's a good thing. I I I my kids, 12 and 14, soon to be 13 and 15. I share this verse with them all the time. And you can ask my son at 12, what's your dad's definition of maturity according to Genesis 2:24? And Carson will go, I will not be with mom and dad forever, so plan accordingly. That's right. You're eventually going to go. I tell my kids all the time, we love you. You're a welcomed addition to this home. But I want you to know, we got big plans, your mom and I after you leave. And he'll say, well, what are you going to do? Well, first of all, we're going to Disney World. That's where we're going to kick this whole thing off. But your mom and I, we're preparing you. We want you to leave. And when my daughter was five years old, she was kind of taking over the house. And I sat her down and I said, Karen May, there's only one queen in this house and you ain't her. She looked at me with those eyes that said, we'll see. Big talker. The next day she tells my wife, there's room enough in this house for two queens. I say, Karen May Cunningham, one day I'm going to stand at the back of a church with you. Looking down the aisle at some pervert. No, I didn't say that. I didn't say that to my daughter. I would never say that to my daughter. I said, I'm going to stand at the back of a church with you. I'm not walking you down the aisle until I know he loves you as much as me. Because here's the thing, you are not my queen, but you're my princess. And one day, I'm going to I'm going to walk you down the aisle to give you away to become another man's queen. I said, and that's Genesis 2:24. For this reason, a man leaves his father and mother, he's united to his wife and the two become one flesh. The bond, according to that passage, the bond between a husband and a wife is to be stronger than the bond between a parent and a child. And I said, Karen, I want to show you to the best of my ability every day how a queen should be treated. That's my goal. So you know what to look for. Cause I love it when a mom comes up to me at a wedding and says, I don't feel like I'm losing a son. I feel like I'm gaining a daughter. I say the same thing every time. Nope. You're losing a son. And it's time for you to back away. So these two can become one. Because we're watching Genesis 2:24 take place. A husband and wife, two becoming one. I I want to rejoice and delight and praise your young love today. I I want to tell you, you got this. You can do this. And the culture is telling you no you can't. You're too young. And I I challenge the unnecessary delay of marriage, but that doesn't mean that I encourage the rushing of marriage. But I'm just saying, you can get married and grow up together. You can pursue marriage and you can enjoy life together if you make that decision. Include it in your vows. Include it in your vows because I meet couples all the time that are walking away. I'll never forget uh on the East Coast years ago, a lady came up to me after a session I did called from anger to intimacy. She was shaking, she was so mad. She walked right up to me and she said, "Pastor!" I was like, whoa, all right, yeah. She said, "I need to say something to you." I was like, wow. I said, what's that? She said, "My husband left me." "Do you know why he left me?" "Why?" I said, I'm getting a little picture of it, but it's just a real small little picture of it. She said, "He left me because he couldn't handle being married to a successful woman." I went, oh boy, here's here's a key relationship truth. The issue is rarely ever the issue. Don't sabotage your relationship over issues. Get below the surface of the issue. And I am here. I can say with confidence, not even knowing this woman, her success did not cause her divorce. There was something else going on. I said, ma'am, can I pastor you for five minutes? I took her silence as consent. I noticed it from across the room. She said, "What's that?" I said, the ginormous chip on your shoulder. I don't know who said what. I don't know how long it's been there. But I got great news for you today. She goes, "What's that?" I said, you're 100% responsible for it. You can choose today what you're going to do with it. You can stay angry and sabotage your next relationship or you can choose to resolve it. You can do something with it. I taught her two things that day about anger that a mentor shared with me 17, 18 years ago. It's simply this, unresolved anger is like drinking poison expecting the other person to get sick. I said, ma'am, and I say this, this comes from the heart of a pastor who loves you. You're drinking this poison by the gallons a day. I said, and the second thing about anger that I've learned is you never bury anger dead. You always bury it alive. And it will resurface in another relationship. If you don't deal with it, if you don't do something with it. And she was standing there next to her son. And I said, if you're not careful, it'll it'll come out on him. I want to encourage you to resolve this anger. I want to encourage you to do the same thing for some of you. Maybe you realize like, why why can't I keep a relationship? Why am I sabotaging every relationship that I'm in? Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. What do you need to resolve? I view anger like a pet. We just carry it around with us everywhere we go. Has some of you can handle anger like a carnival goldfish. You got it for a couple of days and then it's it's gone, right? You don't have it after that. Others carry it around like a guinea pig. I remember my daughter wanted a guinea pig. We went into the pet store and and my daughter's looking in the cage, excited to get the guinea pig. I call the sales associate to the side. I said, uh yeah, ma'am, can you tell me how long is this thing going to live? And with enthusiasm, she said, "Five to seven years." I was like, uh, I was thinking something more like in the two to three year range. What do you got in the two to three year range? The smug sales associate looks at me and she says, uh, "Sir, maybe you're not ready for the responsibility of a pet." I said, I don't want the dang thing. I'm trying to teach my daughter without so much commitment, but that to me is always a picture when I see someone carrying around unresolved anger. She's just holding this thing. Carrying it around, and every day with their thoughts toward that other person and in her case, her ex-husband, who thinks she thinks left him because of her success, she's just feeding this guinea pig. But you know, I meet a lot of folks in church ministry that they don't even have a guinea pig, they got a parrot. I don't know if you know this about parrots, but they outlive their owners. They can you imagine? I mean, going to the lawyer's office uh after someone dies and yeah, you get the house, you know, you get the accounts and you get the bird. But but I I that was this lady and I told her, you know what needs to happen to the bird? You need to take the bird down off your shoulder, get rid of it. Get rid of it. Resolve your anger, choosing to enjoy life and marriage. It's a decision that you need to make early. It's a decision that you need to work through. I want to encourage you, don't be afraid of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure. It it simply is saying, whether you're young or old, married or single, we're all called to esteem marriage as highly valuable and that is my prayer for you. Thank you Liberty University for having me today.

Jim Daly: What a great message from Pastor Ted Cunningham today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Johnny, it's so important to remember that we get out of our marriage relationship what we put into it and that we can choose to pursue joy with our spouse. And I love that line Ted used earlier. For a good time, call home. Boy, that should be a bumper sticker. What a great reminder.

John Fuller: Yeah, that'll preach. Yeah. And if you appreciated that content, I think you'll really enjoy Ted's excellent book called Fun Loving You. It contains a lot of practical advice like how to laugh together again, how to fight as teammates, not opponents, and how to appreciate your mate's better qualities. And you know what? This book would make a great anniversary gift for yourself or a friend. We'd be happy to send a copy of Fun Loving You. Ask about it when you get in touch.

Jim Daly: Yeah, call us anytime at 1-800, the letter A and the word family or stop by focusonthefamily.com/weekend. And remember when you get that book from us, we'll include a free audio download of the entire message from Ted Cunningham with extra content. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.