Focus on the Family

Sponsorship Message: The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and is made possible by the heartfelt support of listeners like you.

John Fuller: This is John Fuller, and please remember to let us know how you're listening to these programs on a podcast, app, or website.

Dr. Kathy Koch: If the only mom they knew was the helicopter mom that hovers over the breakfast bar while they're doing their homework, and now they do want to be independent, now they do want to mature on their own—this is how life is supposed to happen—they don't think you can parent any differently.

But you can if you choose to back off, give them the space and the place where they discover why they are the who they are, and actually find out that you did a good job as a mom.

John Fuller: Well, that's Dr. Kathy Koch describing how it's possible to have a respectful, healthy, loving relationship with your adult child. Dr. Kathy is back with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, and we're so glad you've joined us as well.

Jim Daly: You know, we’re talking to so many of you. When I travel, I’m meeting so many parents of adult children now—the 25-year-old, 30-year-old. It’s a whole bouquet of what’s happening out there. A lot of frustration and a lot of good things are happening, too, not to paint it all in a bad picture. It’s just the whole array I’m able to hear about.

But we do want to help you as a parent, particularly, do the best job you can do in being a parent and an influencer of that adult child. Guess what? Here is the neon sign: they’re going to do things that you disagree with. The question is, what are you going to do with that? Are you going to treat them as a 15-year-old or as a 25-year-old? Believe me, there’s a difference.

John Fuller: If you missed any of the conversation last time with Dr. Kathy, get our Focus on the Family app so you can listen on the go anytime. Check the website for audio and video as well. We’re talking about Dr. Kathy’s book, *Resolve Conflict and Find Peace and Hope with Adult Children: Strategies and Conversations That Work*. We’re so glad to have her back.

Jim Daly: Kathy, it’s great to have you back. Thanks for being with us.

Dr. Kathy Koch: I’m glad to be here. Thank you.

Jim Daly: All right, so we pummeled the parents last time. Let me just say, we had lots of examples of where we’re blowing it—the over-control, the things that we do that alienate our adult children. It’s easy to do because we have the best intention. You were very kind to defend a parent’s lack of maturity in parenting their adult children. But it’s time to get on the horse and go. We’ve got to have a better relationship. If you’re in a bad relationship or a not-as-adequate relationship with your adult child, this is what we want to do is equip you.

So, what’s on the adult child’s side of the responsibility ledger? Because you hear from parents, "Well, it’s not me, it’s him. It’s that son or it’s that daughter," or the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law. So, the question in all that is, what’s on their side of the ledger? What are they responsible for?

Dr. Kathy Koch: I love that we’re starting with that. Love your parents. Good heavens, they sacrificed for you. They’ve gone out of their way for you. We’re all imperfectly perfect. The parents have been imperfectly perfect. I want to say to the adult children: your parents parented the best that they knew how to do in the moment that they did it.

You’re now judging based on things that you know, things that you think are true. You’re watching culture, wondering why your parents didn’t do that or say that or why they are the way they are. Well, they are the way they are. Can you love them in that anyway? Can you walk toward them? Can you say yes more often than no? That should start at age seven. "Say yes more than no" is a good piece of advice.

Isn’t that even interesting that the Lord saw fit to put in scripture to train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it? It’s interesting that little nuance got in there. Not when they’re 25. It’s saying when they’re mature in their head, they’ll remember these things, like desperation, whatever that might be.

I meet so many parents of adult children now that are freaking out, rightfully so, that their adult children aren’t engaged in church, etc. But then I meet with many of them that say, "You know, my son’s 45 now and he’s back at church." They say it with such relief. You’ve got to have that hope that that is still in front of them, that they can get there. That’s critical.

Jim Daly: We’ll call today the "tough question day" because now I want to talk about when the adult kids get married. I’ll put it in this context because it’s funny. I was playing golf with somebody and he missed the green on what they call an approach shot—that's your last shot into the green. He missed it off to one side and he said, "Ah, that’s a son-in-law shot." I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "It was close, but not what I was hoping for."

I thought, "Oh, wow. I hope he doesn't have a son-in-law." But you know the point. It's humorous, but I get it. It's not what you were hoping for for your daughter or it's not what you were hoping for for your son. How do you navigate all of that? This new family that you're now part of, and how do you let yourself go a little bit to be less selfish about all that and be encouraging to that new family member?

Dr. Kathy Koch: That was a great point. How do we navigate that? Very carefully and often silently. When our kids are in our home and they're beginning to date or they're of that age, we pray more for our children to be ready for marriage than we pray for the spouse. That’s something I say all the time. Most parents I meet pray for their children's spouses. Have you prayed for your child to be ready for that step of life? Then yes, you pray for the spouse.

Hopefully you have taught your kids how to discern. Do they know their values? Do they know family values? Do they know who they're becoming and who they would love to be and the kind of life they'd like to live? If they know those things, they're going to seek a spouse who will support those things.

Now, if they do fall in love with somebody who has a different faith or a different work ethic or a different family structure and you're concerned, then speak up before they marry. Before they marry, speak up and be truth and be wisdom and be love in those moments. If they've married somebody who you think is not great, pray, pray, and pray again for the spouse to mature, for the relationship to be healthy. I would pray that you would want them married and that it would be good for your daughter or your son to be married to that person.

Then I think we support, we love, we pray, and we say things like, "How can I help you?" If you notice that your daughter has become critical and she didn't used to be a critical person, you can say to your daughter, "Samantha, I've noticed a critical spirit in you. You're quick to judge and quick to be angry, and you weren't that way." You don't have to say, "You weren't raised that way." You don't have to make it about you. You can say, "That just hasn't been a part of your character, so I'm naturally concerned because you used to be a woman of great joy. I think you've lost your joy. How can I help you?"

Not "Can I help?" but "How can I help?" You can help by being quiet about it. You can help by praying. You can help by going out for coffee. Or you could help by answering a question like, "How have you dealt with it? Was Dad ever mean-spirited? Was Dad critical, and how did you handle his criticism?" Ideally, you're available to be a blessing in a consultant role, not parenting in the way that you would control or force them to agree with you.

Another thing that's really complicated about family is that when somebody marries, they marry a person, but that person comes with family—in-laws and siblings and aunts and uncles. We don't know them, so it's hard to love them. But you can love without knowing them because that's what we are—lovers. We love because God loves us. I haven't found a Bible verse that says because you know them well, you should love them well. No, you love because your daughter's married into that family.

Now you go to a family dinner—Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving—and you choose to sit next to somebody you haven't gotten to know well yet. You say, "Oh, so you're the Aunt Kathy. You're my son-in-law's sister. I'd love to get to know you. Tell me about yourself."

Jim Daly: That introduction of the holidays can be a battleground where the boys aren't going to be there because they're with their wife's family. There are constructive ways. I've heard of really good resolutions to that—that they flip every other year. They come to our house for Christmas and the in-laws' house for next year's Christmas, and the same with Thanksgiving. How do you go into that environment with an open mind about the fact that you have to share? We're like little kids again: "I'm not sharing my son with you."

Dr. Kathy Koch: Open mind, absolutely. Know that this is going to happen. Let's not be clueless about this. Let's be grateful for what we have more than angry for what we don't have. I don't say that like it's an easy flip of a switch, but it's a choice that we have. Both the adult children need to be grateful because they're going to miss siblings and they're going to miss parents and grandparents, and the adult parents need to be grateful as well.

Friends of mine got remarried after both spouses passed away, so they now have eight children among them and 19 grandkids. They don't get together with any of their family on Thanksgiving or Christmas. They decided to not be the problem and they've said to their children, "Go with the in-laws." They do that, and so my friends are alone every Thanksgiving and every Christmas. So they serve, which is beautiful.

The entire family gets together one day in usually November and one day usually in January. But what's really cool about that is that every one of the children and the step-children are there. So now all the cousins meet and get to know each other, and the children get to know the step-children better than they ever would have before if they would have split every other year. That's a choice that my friends have made to honor their children, and the children then honor the parents and the siblings by absolutely cementing that one day in January is the family day.

Jim Daly: And what I'm hearing you say is just get creative. Find ways that meet the needs without disrupting too many people, because it's not supposed to be about us. We're supposed to be other-centered. You mention in the book about prioritizing the future over the past. What do you mean by that?

Dr. Kathy Koch: We have a tendency to look back with regret, or we look back and we assume because we did this, this will happen in the future. The past is done. That was one of the reasons that the book was challenging to write, to be honest, because I know you can't go back and re-parent. So we're going to look forward with hope—hope in God, not hope in our kids, not even hope in ourselves, but hope in God.

We keep the past alive in the right way, like memories are important to keep alive. "Remember when we went to the zoo?" You’re with your grandkids and they're six and seven. "Hey, do you remember when we went to the zoo and you were about seven and you got to feed the giraffe for the first time?" I think memories are really important to look back on and keep alive. But I think parents have a tendency to look back and wish for so much that can never be. Then the past becomes less than it could be because we see it with that red pen critical spirit, which doesn't do anybody any good.

Jim Daly: Well, some eminently practical biblical insights today from Dr. Kathy Koch on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly as we talk about her book, *Resolve Conflict and Find Peace and Hope with Adult Children: Strategies and Conversations That Work*. We've got the book available for you. We've got a connection to our caring Christian counselors if you're struggling in your family dynamic and need some help. They are terrific to talk with. It's a free over-the-phone consultation. We also have a free download, "A Declaration of Release," that Dr. Kathy is making available to you. All of that is at our website. The starting point is going to be FocusOnTheFamily.com/broadcast or call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY.

Kathy, we haven't directly talked much about grandparenting, but that's a sacred calling and it comes with some challenges sometimes. How do we come alongside and help our child and ultimately spend time with our grandkids? There can be some friction points there.

Dr. Kathy Koch: Yes, one of the things that I heard about over and over again as I interviewed people was the disrespect that our adult children feel in their parenting realm because the grandparents come in and say, "Oh, you're letting her eat sugar at her age? We didn't introduce you to sugar until you were at least six or seven." Or "Isn't it bedtime? It's 8:00."

The grandparent wants to be involved and is judging the children in the way that they're raising the grandchildren in the way that they raised the children. It becomes complex. You're the grandparent, you're not the parent, and so you need to learn to be quiet. I would love for our adult children to be affirmed. I would love for the grandparent to say, "I love how much you love Bethany," or "I love that you've enrolled Peter in soccer. I think he's going to thrive, he's so body-smart." Or to say, "Man, your bedtime routine with Alice is so calming. I imagine she sleeps really well because you just usher her down the hall and there's just this peace about it."

Look for the things that you can affirm and keep your mouth shut about lots of the things that you think are maybe concerns. Maybe you ask questions when the kids aren't in the room. "I've noticed that you allow for more sugar in their diet. I'm just curious about that. You don't eat much." Then let them talk with you if they're willing to talk with you. But again, a number one thing I heard over and over again is: "My parents think that they're the parents, but they're the grandparents. I want them to be partners in what we're doing, but they're not parents."

Celebrate the grandkids. Do you know which ones are the wiggles? Do you know which ones would want to go to the zoo with you? Do you know which ones would love to go to a bookstore and hang out with you because they absolutely love books? Do you know who you should take to a craft store because if they had their way, they'd spend $100 in a moment? Do you know who they are? And then do you celebrate that and hang out with them? Do you send them snail mail? Do you do Marco Polo videos? Do you FaceTime when you can? Relate to them not as parents, because you're not a parent.

Jim Daly: I'm smiling because of my humor here, because another great colloquialism I've come across is: "Grandparents and grandchildren have a common enemy—the adult children." It’s just funny in that way, casting humor into the situation. But there is one thing about grandparenting that seems so different—I haven't experienced that yet—but you're at far more peace, which should be an indication for adult parents. How do we be more like Mom and Dad, who are kind of chill when the kids are over at their house? The little things don't get corrected, like the spills and the "yeah, that's okay, it happens." I kind of love that concept. Grandchildren feel really deeply loved by their grandparents because they're not on a behavioral checklist when it's healthy.

Dr. Kathy Koch: One of the things that can be awkward is, especially if you don't live close to the grandchildren, they might not know you all that well. One of the things I've sometimes spoken about is this reality that we are family, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to love you like they love their parents. They hardly know you. They might not even understand that you are the mom and dad of my dad.

My niece, as an example, has a beautiful wall of family portraits and she has three young children. She regularly points out to the young children who all of us are. I only see my great-nieces and nephew every other year, but they know I'm Aunt Kathy and they know that I'm their grandpa's sister. That has really helped me relate with them.

I think the adult children can do a good job of helping their children understand who Grandma and Grandpa are and why Grandma and Grandpa want to spend time with you and why Grandpa wants to come to your soccer game.

John Fuller: Dr. Kathy, we have that Declaration of Release that we talked about last time. It's a free download online. There are stressors involved when you release and the child comes back—the boomerang. I've experienced that with all of our kids. All six have bounced back at one time or another. There are things that went well and other things that were unanticipated. What are some of the stressors related to a child moving back in?

Dr. Kathy Koch: I appreciate your vulnerability so much, John. Could I just say to our parents that it's not necessarily true that they've done anything wrong? It might actually be the highest compliment an adult child could ever pay you is to come back home.

Our economy is terrible right now. It's possible that your adult child has a good college degree, had or still has a great job, but can't afford to live in an apartment by himself because it's $3,000 a month. And so they need to go somewhere. Would you rather have them in a dive with four guys where they're hardly living, or would you rather open up the old bedroom or the guest room or the basement and say to your son, "Hey, come establish some life here and get yourself out of debt, and then we'll help you launch again."

So again, we haven't necessarily done anything wrong that they've bounced back. It's possible that they are immature. It's possible that they weren't discerning and they've had a relationship that wasn't healthy and they're coming back home. Now, I do write about the benefit of having some type of a contract in place: how long will you be here? Are you expected to share chores? Are you expected to contribute to the finances? Will you buy any groceries?

I know of some families that don't do that. They just welcome them back home and they trust that there'll be a rhythm that's appropriate. Other families, because they know the adult child takes and doesn't give and they're concerned about that, they do establish some kind of policy first. But I think if you have space, what a glorious thing. Still, this must be so challenging. They've been independent for a season, they're coming back home, and they don't want the parent, they want the guide/consultant. They might want the cash bag, but they don't necessarily want the parent. Maybe this is why you have to have that conversation: what are your expectations if we say yes, you can move back in?

Jim Daly: So much of this sounds like conversations to make sure you have. I think we can underestimate that, especially if you haven't developed that pattern when they were teens. Getting into that groove as you've talked today, I've thought of those conversations that are important to have even in the grandparenting space, for example. What expectation do you have of your mom and me as grandparents? What do we need to know so we don't offend you? We want to be in this together with you, so what do you want to tell us that we need to be mindful of, whether it's sugar or movies or whatever they want? Then you need to abide by that.

Dr. Kathy Koch: Have the conversation, show them that you want to be really good team players, and then abide by that. Oh, that's the challenge, right? Because you sneak little candy into your pocket. This is where the parents need to understand: I don't have to buy my grandkids' love. I don't have to buy them a cell phone, especially if the parents have said no. And I don't have to bring candy and I don't have to let them stay up late because I want to be popular with them. No, those are inappropriate decisions that we make out of some desperate need to be loved, but we don't manipulate and we don't buy love. Ideally, that's not what's happening here. I would love for you to stand strong in your relationship and speak well of your kids and your grandkids.

Jim Daly: Kathy, one of the things that we hear from parents of adult children here at Focus can be any kind of addictions that are occurring. We haven't talked about any of them. But adult children that are really struggling, not just "launch failure," but they're addicted to drugs or addicted to some other thing that is hampering their ability to function as a healthy adult. What kind of parameters do you suggest parents look at in that regard? Because we've talked about leaving them to God and this could be their valley that needs to be addressed and they need to find their way. But I think the Lord's good with providing a rope to help them climb out of the hole. But what does that look like so that it's not detrimental but helpful?

Dr. Kathy Koch: This is pretty individualized, so it's a little bit challenging here even in writing the book. But again, do you know enough to know what would be helpful? What have they tried? What haven't they tried? How motivated are they? Are they concerned? Are they angry? Do they feel manipulated by the system?

But you have a right as the parent to have a standard and a boundary. They're not allowed in our home as a user. Maybe you have younger siblings. If you're parenting kids in the home and you have an adult child who's addicted and unhealthy, or maybe not even addicted but depressed in a dangerous way, anxious in a way that would not be helpful to be around the younger kids, you have a right to say, "Sorry, you can come for dinner, but we can't have you stay the night because you're just not a healthy example to our family of how to live an abundant life in Christ." You have a right to do that. You have to decide if that's the best thing to do.

Then you say to your kids: "How can we help? Can we help? How can we help? What do you need? Help me understand what's going on here." You can ask, if you have permission to do so: "Why did you make the decisions you made? What are you lacking?" I guarantee you that they're trying to meet a need in an unhealthy way. They have a need for something. They have a need for belonging, and they've chosen to belong to the community of addicted people because they're welcomed there.

You can teach them that they can be welcomed elsewhere, that you can abstain from liquor or drugs or pharmaceuticals or whatever it might be, and we can be your belonging. We'll welcome you home. Let's go out to dinner every Tuesday night, etc. I also want to say to the parents who are listening and it's a hard moment: your son is more than addicted. He still is creative, he still is your firstborn, he still is a brother, he still is a grandson, he still is a sound engineer, he still is a guy with a heart of gold. Addiction robbed him and is controlling him, but he's more than that.

A parent is more than a parent, which is a helpful reminder that you can't rely just on your children to have all your needs met. It's inappropriate. And what if I would also say that we start by being sad? When you're a parent of a young child, you get to be the problem solver. Now you're the parent of an adult kid and you might have permission from a child to be part of the solution, but you might not. Can we love anyway, and can we be sad before we're mad? Can our compassion for the mess that our son or daughter is in, could that be our motivation to pray more and to love differently and to introduce them to mentors, etc.? You have a right to your sadness. You have a right to your disappointment.

And please don't look back assuming you did something wrong. This is where the "what if" and the "if only" parenting can kill you. It's possible that you did everything right. I know what I know: you did what you knew how to do. I write in the book: don't look back with today's wisdom. Since you raised these children, you have read more parenting books, prayed more prayers, memorized more scripture, listened to more sermons, and listened to more broadcasts at Focus on the Family. And now that you know what you know, you look back and you think, "How could I have been so stupid?" You weren't stupid back then. You did what you knew how to do. So we look forward with hope.

Jim Daly: Kathy, I love the conversation. And again, the book content is very good and it's right on point for these parents of adult children that are struggling. We've covered a lot of the content, but nowhere near all of it. So people need to get a copy of the book and start reading it for themselves and dig in and be a student of life about what is true and what can be and how you need to behave in all of it as the adult—the more adult adult, the mature one, hopefully.

But thank you so much for being with us. Who doesn’t want to resolve conflict and find peace and hope with your adult children? Get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family. If you can make a gift of any amount, we’ll send you the book as a gift and our way of saying thanks for being part of the ministry and helping other families to do well.

We’re so thankful for friends like you who support this ministry. Our research shows that over the past 12 months, our joint efforts have helped more than 80,000 parents work through a significant crisis in their parenting. I’m proud of that. In fact, I have a story from one such parent that said: "Focus on the Family has greatly impacted us over the years. Thank you for helping us raise our family, strengthen our marriage, and for supporting and encouraging us in everyday life. We recently became monthly supporters and are so grateful to be part of this wonderful ministry." Well, thank you, Tracy, for sending us that note. That’s it—doing it together is how this gets done. So thank you for supporting the ministry.

John Fuller: Be part of the team when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, or stop by FocusOnTheFamily.com/broadcast. And if your family is traveling this summer, we hope you might make plans to include Focus on the Family. Stop by! We have a wonderful Welcome Center with a self-guided tour through the history of our ministry, along with a great play place for kids based on our popular Adventures in Odyssey programs and a world-class bookstore as well. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Ad: Hey parents, Adventures in Odyssey has been helping kids like yours form relationships with Christ for almost 40 years. Now the animated Adventures in Odyssey film, *Journey into the Impossible*, will reach a new generation of families. But we need your help to finish the film and launch it in theaters. Your gift will be matched dollar for dollar before May 1st. See the trailer and donate today at FocusOnTheFamily.com/impossible. That's FocusOnTheFamily.com/impossible.