Focus on the Family

Announcer: Welcome to Focus on the Family's weekend broadcast. We hope the following program will challenge you and encourage you in your faith journey.

Ted Cunningham: Your children are not your source of life. Don't find your strength from them. You're like, "Oh no, my kids fill me up." Yeah, give it a while. You will find out nothing sucks the life out of you faster than a child.

John Fuller: Pastor Ted Cunningham has some hope, encouragement, and laughter for busy parents today on Focus on the Family with your host, Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

Jim Daly: Well, John, we all love our kids, right? But if we expect them to be our source of joy and our reason for living, we're bound to be disappointed. Only God can truly fill our hearts that way. And that's the message Ted Cunningham wants to share with you today, especially if you're getting stressed out by all the details involved in parenting a child. Ted is going to encourage you to de-stress with laughter, and I know you'll get a kick out of his presentation. It's based on his book, *A Love That Laughs*, published by Focus on the Family.

John Fuller: Right. And you can get a copy of that book from us. The proceeds go right back into the ministry when you do. Look for *A Love That Laughs* at focusonthefamily.com/weekend. Well, Ted really is a favorite on this broadcast. He's so entertaining, and he's a comedian at heart—you can hear that. He's also a pastor at heart. He's the lead pastor at Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. With that, here's Ted Cunningham speaking at a Sparkle Women's Conference at River Valley Church in Minneapolis on Focus on the Family.

Ted Cunningham: It is great to be here. There have been a lot of moments where we've been told to turn to our neighbor and say—and I really haven't been comfortable with any of them, I've got to be honest with you. Turn to your neighbor and say, "You know what she's feeling?" I don't. I don't really know what's going on. Love you all. It's so good to be at a women's conference. And then it hit me: this theme is focusing on the last part, "and she laughs without fear of the future."

We just heard that the sixth love language is working out. Wrong. No, I'm just kidding. I get it. My wife's love language is working out, long walks. She walks me and the dog every night right before sunset. She wants me to live until ninety. And I believe the sixth love language could also be laughter, the way we give and receive love. I just finished a book on laughter called *A Love That Laughs*, and we studied laughter for the last year. And I've been watching it in my wife. And my wife has a silent patriotic laugh is what I call her laugh. When she finds something funny, she places her hand over her heart, leans forward, and nothing comes out.

So, ladies, I'm glad you're laughing. Sometimes I go to churches that aren't used to laughter. That's why I love coming to River Valley; you all love to laugh. But I go to some churches, they don't laugh at all. And I'm like, ladies, let the laughter out. You hold it in, it turns to cellulite. I need you to let that laughter out. Don't hold it in.

I believe the reason I am here today is I want to tell you who your source is and where you find your strength, but I also want to encourage you to lighten up. So as you start at the first part of Proverbs 31:25, which is where when I got this verse and I got this theme, my heart leaped. I was so excited. I started to pencil some things down and I've been meditating on it for the past few months and asking the question: where does a woman find her strength, her hope, her confidence? Psalm 118:14 says, "My power and strength come from the Lord, and he has saved me."

Psalm 28:7 says, "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." I wanted to tell you he is your source of life today. He's your source of life, and be careful what you do with people, places, or things. Be very careful not to turn people, places, or things into your source of life. We say it around our home often: "My source of life is Jesus, not you." I receive from him and pour out to you. What you receive from me should be the overflow of my relationship with the Lord.

Your strength, your hope, your confidence—it's not in outward appearance. 1 Peter 3:3-4: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes." Is this prohibitive of that? No. It's saying don't let that be your source, but it can be overflow. Don't let it be your source. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. Wear nice clothes, wear makeup, do your hair—that's not at all what this is teaching. It's saying it just shouldn't be your source of life.

It's not money. 1 Timothy 6:17: "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment." We lose strength and lack confidence when we turn the blessings of God into our source of life, and we start worshiping the blessings rather than the one who blessed us.

Where is your source today? I want to talk to you in the time that we have remaining just about laughter as a barometer of strength. Laughter as a barometer of strength. Not perfection, but strength. Two other areas that you should never find yourself looking to as your source: your source is not in your children. They're not your source of life. And some of you right now, your children have become an extension and you find your value in them. Vanity parenting uses the child's attributes and accomplishments to try to impress other people.

Let your strength, let your confidence, let your hope, let your beauty come from that inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. I have to talk to the moms for just a second because everything I do is marriage and parenting and I can't get away from it. Mom, you're stressing out over the non-essentials in parenting. And you need to know what the essentials are. And the essentials are: "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, and strength, and impress these—these commandments are to be upon your heart; impress them upon your children. Bring your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." That's the essentials that we're going after.

But I see parents today stressing over the non-essentials. Why? Moms stress over the non-essentials because the children have become the source. Your family's not perfect, and you're going to do okay. I'm going to show you a few things, just give you an example of what I see parents stressing out over today. How about this one right here? Formula. Passionate people. "You've got to nurse, you've got to nurse as long as you can." Nursing didn't work for us with Corynn. She's like, "Thanks for sharing that with all the women of Minnesota, Dad." But it didn't. I'll never forget it. Six weeks. Her six-week appointment, we went into the doctor and I'm sitting by Amy, and he comes in; he's going over all of her charts.

He starts looking at her head. "Head's good. Length's good." Gets to the weight chart. His back is turned to us. He's one of these doctors that doesn't have great bedside manner. And I'll never forget him saying these words: "Good night! What are you doing, starving this baby?" I look over at Amy—the tears start flowing. This is why it's so important: if you're not in a life group, a home group, a small group, if you don't have community, get in community because that night we had home group. That night we had home group, and we're new parents trying to figure it out, and we ain't doing that well.

And we're an emotional wreck. We're not sleeping well. Corynn's never slept a night in those first six weeks, and we're exhausted. We start telling all our struggles, and one older lady in our group gets up and she walks over to the kitchen. And I follow her. I said, "Excuse me." I said, "What are you doing?" She reaches up in the cabinet, she grabs that formula they give you free at the hospital, she puts it down, and she starts making a bottle. And I go, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, what are you doing?" Because I've read all the books, right? I know what the books say.

And there's somebody in here right now real passionate about it. "Oh, I hope he's not giving a message that formula is okay." That's the whole point I'm trying to make. And I got really all up in arms with this lady. I go, "You can't give her formula!" She goes, "You give me one good reason why I can't give Corynn formula right now." I said, "Well, first of all, I don't want her going to community college. That's where I'll start with the whole thing." That usually gets about 75 percent laugh, and I'll explain to you why. 25 percent are super angry right now. You're stressed.

I think your kids are going to be fine. Lighten up, Mom. Focus on the essentials, let go of the non-essentials a little bit. Your children are not your source of life. Don't find your strength from them. You're like, "Oh no, my kids fill me up." Yeah, give it a while. You will find out nothing sucks the life out of you faster than a child. How about this one? Oh, let's keep going there since we're having so much fun. Oh, binkie? No, you did not give your daughter a binkie. We did. Until she was two and a half. Sure, she can't pronounce her S's, but she has nailed the other 25 letters. I need you to know that. She's got them down.

Let's keep going. How about this? The family bed. I hear people get online, debating everything. "Oh, you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't—I'm for eradicating the kid-centered home." But I want to explain something right now to every mom in here, and this is serious. This is not a punchline right here. You are under no obligation to explain or defend your parenting choices. None. Mom over there, "I hate all my Facebook friends. I hate them all. They're all of their father the devil and children of darkness. I can't stand them."

If you have the family bed and somebody goes, "Oh, it's going to—now look at all those kids, the dog, the cat." I have no idea how they had so many kids, but if that's your choice, no one's here to tell you otherwise. Oh, then this one stresses parents out: the school picture, right? What school? Public, private, home, Christian? You're under no obligation to explain or defend your choices. The bus. I'm seeing parents today stress over the bus. "Do we send our kids on the bus?" I grew up on the bus.

How many of you grew up on a bus? Those of you stressing about this decision right now, I want you to look around. I do, because I'm going to ask this question; you're going to be shocked at how many hands go up. How many of you remember, back in the day, bus drivers kicking unruly kids off the bus in the middle of the route? I'm in Minnesota now. "It's ten below zero. Get off the bus!" We did, though. If you messed with—listen, the bus driver would drop you off a mile and a half from home. I grew up in the cornfields of Illinois. I remember getting dropped off, and you'd see our line going through the cornfields to get home. As long as you stayed out in front of the combine, you were fine. But we all survived.

Announcer: Motherhood brings profound joy, but it also comes with moments of exhaustion, discouragement, and feeling unseen. Whether you're nurturing little ones at home, working hard to provide, or building a family through adoption, God honors every sacrifice you make. This Mother's Day, find strength through Focus on the Family's new podcast, *Legacy of Love*. We offer biblical encouragement and practical hope for your journey. Be uplifted today at amothersdayreflection.com. That's amothersdayreflection.com.

Jim Daly: Hey parents, Jim Daly here. I don't know about you, but most parenting advice I've found is a lot like my son's favorite foods: just beans and hot dogs. It's bland and way too juvenile for how old he actually is. But Focus on the Family's weekly Age and Stage emails have biblical stuff that helps me be intentional as a parent. It's great, like a chef salad of parenting tips. If you want biblical, practical, and personal tips to your inbox, here's how: go to mykidsage.com, put in your kid's age, and get weekly emails that make a difference.

John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming.

Ted Cunningham: How many of you remember when your mom couldn't figure out which of your siblings was at fault so she just spanked all of you? How many of you remember that? Yeah, those were good days. How many you remember when your mom sent you upstairs to wait for your spanking? That was worse than the spanking. How many you remember when Mom sent you upstairs to wait for your spanking, then forgot she sent you upstairs to wait for your spanking? You and your brother like, "Do we tell her? Do we need to remind her what we're doing up here?"

I had a brother four years older than me, totally stubborn. He'd sit on his side of the bed. "Oh, Dad ain't going to break me. Mom ain't going to break me." I'm like, are you kidding? I'm screaming on the backswing. "Aah!" Let's see how quick we can do this, but we've already enjoyed laughter. Again, understanding that laughter is a barometer of strength. Have you ever gotten to the end of the day and you're like, "I haven't laughed once today"? Is it a sign I need to find a way to laugh, or do I need to take a deeper look?

What's going on that I'm so stressed? That I'm so focused on all of these non-essentials? That I need to get back to it. And so I want to just share—I know this seems like a lot, but I think we got time to plow through it. I have a chapter in the book called "38 Benefits of Laughter." And I want to give you 42 of them before we go to lunch. No, I ain't keeping you from lunch. But I'd like to give you 15 of them because Proverbs 17:22 says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine."

And we've been taking that medicine since this day began. I've been laughing since I walked through the doors at 8:00. I've got to tell you something: laughter is a great way to know where am I right now with strength, with confidence, with hope. It's a great barometer. Number one: laughter is therapy. It's therapy. We've been taking some of this today. Pastor Chuck Swindoll says, "Laugh out loud. It helps flush out the nervous system. Laughter is the most beautiful and beneficial therapy God ever granted humanity."

Laugh. Number two: humor helps us learn and hope opens us up for the truth. I always love telling people, yes, laughter is a medicine, but it also helps other medicines go down. And sometimes I get criticized. "Use too much laughter, too much humor when you preach." I said, "Yeah, but if you just would pay attention, while you're laughing, I'm cramming truth down your throat." And I do it Sunday after Sunday. Three: humor helps us cope. "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It is jolted by every pebble in the road. Good humor makes all things tolerable." Henry Ward Beecher.

I love the fourth one: laughter is free. No memberships, no subscriptions. Number five: when we laugh, we breathe in oxygen-rich air. Dr. Sophie Scott, neuroscientist I've been studying her for the last couple of years, her research—that sounded really weird the way that came out. Laughter is a deep breath, figuratively and literally. When you laugh, your ribcage expands and contracts more rapidly than it does when you breathe or talk.

And that leads to the sixth one: laughing burns calories. I did, just to make a point, when Julia started talking, I looked at my calorie count. By the end of her talk, this is true, I was sitting there, we were sitting there, I burned 43 calories during her talk. According to Vanderbilt University, you can shed 40 calories with 10 to 15 minutes of laughter. So laugh and put away the jogging suit. That's what I say, put away the jogging suit.

Number seven: laughter reduces tension throughout your entire body. Laughter reduces tension throughout your entire body. I love—I do date night comedy events around the country and my favorite comment to hear when people walk out is, "My face hurts" or "My side hurts." I can't remember the last time we laughed three to five laughs per minute and you really are exhausted at the end of the time. If you ever watch comedy specials, that's why they only go an hour and five or an hour and ten. You'll rarely see a comedy show go to an hour and 15 or an hour and 20 because you just don't have any more laughs in you.

You're exhausted. That's a good thing, to exhaust yourself with laughter. Here's my favorite one, number eight: your body can't tell the difference between fake and real laughter. Your mind can, but your body can't. So if you're not feeling it, fake it. So that's an important lesson for wives. I don't know where your mind just went with that, but I'm talking about laughter. The next time your husband tells a joke that ain't funny, fake it. Go home from this. He says something funny or does something funny, "Ha ha!" Your body is reaping the benefits of that laughter. Let it go.

Nine: humor grows two people closer together. I heard somebody tell me, I think it was last year, "I think live events are on their way out." And I went, "What?" I said, "I don't—because you know what you've been doing? You've been laughing together." You can't, when you're in a room—you can laugh at something when it's just you, but it's not nearly as much fun as this and as contagious as this. Like, watch this. I'm going to show you something. Tickle yourself right now. See if you can make yourself laugh.

Yeah, you can't do it. You cannot tickle yourself to make yourself laugh. Now turn to your neighbor. No, don't turn to your neighbor! No, hey, ick! Ick! Do not turn to your neighbor. I don't even know this woman, but she's with another church. Laughing says, "I'm with you." It says, "I'm on the same page. I get it." Ten: laughter diffuses social tension and awkwardness. Humor's a great tool to break the ice with strangers and new friends. It's an indicator. It immediately helps us identify other people that get us.

This is a big one, eleven, big: laughter makes you more attractive. That online dating sites are trying to figure out how to get this into the algorithm besides just the question, "Do you have a sense of humor? Do you want somebody with a sense of humor?" And again, tell the guys in our church: you don't need the looks of Brad Pitt. You don't need the body of The Rock. And you don't need the confidence of Tony Stark. Okay? You need a paycheck and a couple of jokes. A paycheck and laughter is great for relationship and chemistry.

Twelve: laughter humanizes me. Laughter is a shake of the head acknowledging, "I can't believe I just said that. I can't believe I just did that." Ethel Barrymore said you grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. Pastor Mark Batterson says that the happiest and healthiest people in the world are the people who laugh at themselves the most. You've got to take God seriously, but you can't take yourself seriously.

Honestly, I think we are grossly underestimating God's sense of humor. I believe the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. We tend to ignore the second half. Maybe we need to take fun more seriously. Three more. 13: laughter pleases God. Randy Alcorn says laughter is not only human, it's explicitly biblical and pleasing to God. It's therefore inconceivable to think that Jesus didn't laugh.

Laughter ministers to others. "The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up." Mark Twain. And it's one of the things I love to do when I go into a hospital. I've visited folks from our church in hospice care. And their spouse says, "Ted, we're so glad you're here. You need to make him laugh. Let's just have fun together." And there have been plenty of people in their final days where we just stood around, we sat around, we told stories, and we laughed enjoying the fellowship of one another.

The last one: laughter reminds us of the hope of heaven. I like what Randy Alcorn says: "Jesus says blessed are those who weep now, for you shall laugh." In context, he's talking about people having great reward in heaven. In other words, he's saying you will laugh in heaven. Surely Jesus will join in the laughter and be a source of much of it. And when Jesus laughs, it's always the laughter of both God and man.

One of the criticisms our church receives in Branson, and one of the reasons people will say they stay away from our church, is because there's too many people and too much laughter. To which we say, "You're probably not going to like heaven." Heaven's going to be a pretty rough place for you. Martin Luther actually put it this way: "If they don't allow laughter in heaven, then I don't want to go there. If the earth is fit for laughter, then surely heaven is filled with it. Heaven is the birthplace of laughter."

If I can just encourage you with this last image, it's on my phone, it's my alarm section. 3:40 was to get to Minnesota. But 5:22 in military time, 17:22, which is a reminder of Proverbs 17:22. Let that alarm go off and just ask yourself the question: did I even laugh today? How much laughter? What was my conflict-to-laughter ratio? A.W. Tozer said the people of God ought to be the happiest people in all the wide world. The Christian owes it to the world to be supernaturally joyful. Philippians 4:4: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice." Thank you, Sparkle, for allowing me to share a little bit with you this morning. Love you all very much.

John Fuller: Ted Cunningham on today's episode of Focus on the Family. And with Mother's Day coming up on Sunday, I'd say this message was well-timed, don't you think, Jim?

Jim Daly: That is great timing. And we want to wish all the moms in our audience a happy and blessed Mother's Day. Moms, you really are special. And you know, I have a lot of great memories of my mom, even though I lost her when I was only nine. And I especially remember her great sense of humor. She really loved to laugh, and it just lifted the entire family. It makes me smile just thinking about that.

And as Ted pointed out, laughter is something that we all need in our lives. And I'd encourage you to get a copy of his book, *A Love That Laughs*, published by Focus on the Family. When you request a copy through us, rest assured that the proceeds are going into ministry, not the pockets of shareholders. And please consider supporting us with a monthly gift. Jean and I do that with the ministry. It doesn't have to be a big amount; it's the consistency that really helps us monthly. Join us as we provide resources to strengthen marriages, empower parents, and protect pre-born children. And when you get in touch, ask about how to get a copy of *A Love That Laughs*.

John Fuller: Yeah, donate online at focusonthefamily.com/weekend or when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. That's 800-232-6459. And remember, you can request free access to the Focus on the Family Comedy Collection when you're online with us. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Announcer: You're listening to Focus on the Family's weekend broadcast. We'll take a quick break here and then return with another faith-building program for your family. Stay tuned.

Is your marriage struggling? Communication breaking down, trust fading, conflict that never seems to resolve? Well, there's still hope. Hope Restored marriage intensives by Focus on the Family help couples step away from daily life and focus fully on rebuilding their relationship. And right now, through the Marriage Investment Initiative, Hope Restored is investing $1,000 toward marriage intensives. Visit hoperestored.com/invest.

John Fuller: What if this was happening in your marriage? You thought you married the right person, the perfect person, but over time you began to notice some serious flaws. And your spouse isn't as kind and loving as they used to be. There's a lot of blame going on in your relationship, and you never really discuss tough issues because that's only going to lead to more conflict. And you didn't sign up for this. This is not what you wanted. You wonder out loud, "Did I make a mistake?" And you don't say the words out loud, but you're thinking, "My spouse is a jerk."

But what if there's something much, much bigger going on? It might be possible that Satan is attacking your marriage and you're experiencing spiritual warfare. That's what we're exploring today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, this is one topic we should probably address more often because there's a lot of confusion and maybe even some misdirection in our culture today about what demonic forces and spiritual warfare are all about. It's not a vocabulary even well-used within the church. It's, you know, outside of the things we want to talk about. But popular movies and TV shows have given us a warped view of Satan and the evil that he perpetuates.

Many people don't know what to believe anymore. And as Christians, we know the Bible takes spiritual warfare very seriously. Ephesians 6 reminds us that we wrestle against cosmic powers and spiritual forces of evil. It's pretty straightforward. And in 1 Peter 5, the Word compares Satan to a roaring lion that's seeking someone to devour.

John Fuller: And it seems, unfortunately, that that middle ground you're talking about, that balance, is so difficult because there are some believers that would totally write off Satan's involvement in our day-to-day lives, and then there are others who seem to find demons under every bush and under every problem they experience.

Jim Daly: Well, that's why I'm excited about today's program because our guests have studied this topic. They apply it to their work, their ministry. They see it, they know it, and I think we're going to learn a lot today.

John Fuller: And our guests are Dr. Tim Muehlhoff and his wife, Noreen. And Dr. Muehlhoff is the senior director of Biola University's Winsome Conviction Academy. He's also an author and podcast host. Noreen is the associate director of chapel programs at Biola, and together they frequently speak at marriage conferences. Now today, we're going to focus on a book that Tim wrote called *Defending Your Marriage: The Reality of Spiritual Battle*.

Jim Daly: Tim and Noreen, welcome to Focus on the Family.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Thanks so much. We're so glad to be here.

Jim Daly: Explain why we Christians can be kind of clueless about spiritual warfare today. What's happening in our ability to discern? That's really what it is—a lack of discernment.

Tim Muehlhoff: I think it has to do with what comes to mind when I say "the demonic." I think most people are like, "Wow, the demonic." I'm immediately thinking to the top movies on Netflix, right? *The Conjuring*, *Paranormal Experience*, where people are getting dragged across a room, a person is levitating, speaking in guttural Latin voices. And so you look at that and you go, "Ah, I don't want to have any part of that. That is not something I want to dabble in. I think that's Hollywood at its worst. I just—so I don't deal with it, right? If that's my idea of the demonic, then I'm staying a mile away from it."

Noreen Muehlhoff: Right. And that it's something that happens elsewhere. Like, maybe you hear about in Africa or in Asia, but it doesn't happen in the US, or it doesn't happen in the West. And so we can dismiss it as something that happened in the past or in another location, but it doesn't happen locally and within our own families.

Jim Daly: You've raised that. That is a question that I will hear occasionally: what's the answer to that question? Do we see it in a different form, or what is the answer to that question?

Tim Muehlhoff: Well, I think in—so I did relief work in Africa in the Mathare Valley, one of the poorest regions of Africa. And when we would go out, Simon Zermankenga would gather us all together and he would pray warfare prayers. And I had never heard of one before. A warfare prayer was simply: "We know we are sending out these dear workers out into a spiritual battlefield, and God, protect them. And Satan, listen to me when I say this: you are not to touch them. They are God's children. We send them out in God's power. You are not to touch them. And we pray this in the power of Jesus' name. Now, go."

And first time, I was the team leader, so I'm driving out going, "Oh my gosh, what was that? Like, I'm going to be spiritually attacked?" Not even knowing what that would look like. Like, not having a concept of what that would look like. And so I want to say it's more in the West that we struggle with this. Other parts of the world, in different locations, they take it very seriously.

And so when I started to research the book, I started to reread the Gospels and then started to read what other notable Christian authors would say about this. Here's the number one fact that blew me away and I thought, "Boy, I might need to write on this." So according to some New Testament scholars, 25 percent of everything Jesus had to say had to do with the demonic. So I say to my students at Biola University, imagine taking 25 percent of everything Jesus said and just setting it aside. Not paying attention to it. I'm going to pay attention to the 75 percent. And my students are like, "Well, what's the 25 percent?" I said, "It has to do with demons and the demonic and spiritual battle."

Jim Daly: Yeah. And of course, you've written this book, *Defending Your Marriage*, so you're taking this in the context of marriage. And I appreciate that. I think, you know, what I've observed is our inability to recognize it. I think that's what happens in the West. Like you said, they're far more attuned to spiritual battles in other parts of the world. I've had the privilege to travel as well, so I've seen it. And it's almost like—I think Satan's pleased with the fact that he keeps us just, I guess, disengaged with it. You know, we just modernize everything. We don't see it. But in that context of marriage in particular, why do you think it's a target for Satan, and why is he trying to accomplish the breaking of marriage?

Noreen Muehlhoff: I mean, the value of marriage is the first thing that comes to mind for me. I mean, we have—the scriptures begin with a marriage. It's Adam and Eve. It's an important institution. It reflects the image of God himself. And so wouldn't it make sense if Satan wants to attack God, that he would attack the thing that reflects his image? And so to me, it makes sense that this would be an object of attack.

Jim Daly: Yeah. Let me—let me deepen this a little bit because I think the two of you had an experience. You're going to a marriage seminar, and this is how it typically happens. I mean, Jean and I will feel this at times, especially if I'm going to speak on marriage. All of a sudden things are just not right at home. I mean, I irritate her, she irritates me. It's kind of odd. It like comes out of left field. And sometimes we might overplay that, I don't know, but I want your input. At other times, I'm going, "Oh my goodness, this is a spiritual battle. He's attacking us right now." And stop and pray and do the things that we need to do to remedy that. But what is that balance if we could take our Western goggles off to recognize it's a satanic attack in our marriage versus it's our triggers?

Tim Muehlhoff: So going back to the—the first marriage, right, which you pointed out in Genesis. Well, if you take a look at how the serpent attacks Adam and Eve. What's great about teaching at a Christian university is you've got some really smart professors. So you get to walk over to them and you get to say, "Okay, so when it said that the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field, like in Hebrew, what does crafty mean?" It means subtle.

So when—when the serpent go—like imagine the serpent walking right up to Eve and saying, "Eve, on three, rebel against God. Okay?" It wouldn't have happened. Eve would have turned and looked at him and said, "No, of course not. There is no reason to rebel." But then he comes as a serpent. And we know in Near Eastern times, serpents were these glowing things, these shining things. I mean, don't equate them how we view snakes. We view snakes now after the fall as things to be worried about. Eve would have had no reason to be suspicious of the snake. And now the snake talks. Well, oh, that's interesting. I didn't know snakes talk. But she's under no threat whatsoever. And then he starts to work in very subtle ways.

So now shift to this, what happened when we were leaving for a FamilyLife marriage conference. My—I have a wonderful wife who is truly the "Mr. Fix-it" in our marriage. She is—are you nodding? Oh, this is radio, nobody can see you. This is good. Nobody can see you except on camera. We have YouTube. Oh, uh-oh. You're had! Let me tell you a funny joke. When we first got married, a friend wanted to put a basketball hoop up on our garage because we have three boys. Great friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great friend.

He walks over and he goes, "Okay, grab your tools. Let's go do it." I literally walked out with a "do-it-herself" toolkit that is mine, and each was a lavender handle. That is all I had. And so I open it, my friend looks at me and he says two things: "One, you are not a man. And two, we can't do that job. We can't do that with these tools."

Okay, so we have no tools. Noreen has noticed for a couple of days that there's a leak happening beneath our faucet. And then she makes a tactical mistake of saying, "Honey, can you look at it?" And I'm like, "Sure." So now—now you know what it's like leaving for LAX. It is—we're going to leave, we have—we're leaving five days before the flight to LAX. It's like craziness. And Noreen opens it—and literally leaving in five minutes—and the leak is happening. Now, no kids. That leak could potentially go all weekend. But we have no time. We've got to get to LAX. We can't be late to the marriage conference. So now we get into the car and there's just tension. There's silence between us. And you're kind of thinking what? You're thinking...

Noreen Muehlhoff: I'm thinking, "Why didn't you take care of the leak?" What we realized was it was a pattern of exactly what you were talking about: that irritability, the crankiness. Why does it seem like every time we go away, kids get sick, things in the house break, we end up, you know, bickering with one another? And then we stepped back and said, "Perhaps there's something else at bay."

And I think, you know, the way you worded the question even, to say, is it our, you know, pushing our triggers or is it spiritual battle? And what I would like to say is, it doesn't have to be one or the other, and that it can be both. Well, oftentimes the Christian vernacular, we talk about our flesh and then Satan, and they tend to work in tandem. So to your point, our flesh usually moves in a direction that's satanic, I would say, that is against God. And—and we don't need to differentiate really. It's just—it's evil. Right. And he takes advantage. He takes advantage of our weaknesses, he takes advantage of our sin. So when we open ourselves to those kind of things, it gives him then the opportunity to get the foothold and exaggerate, accelerate, throw fuel on the fire.

John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family. Let's resume now with the balance of today's programming.

Jim Daly: Noreen, I want to come back your direction because you mentioned something that we didn't explore, and that is this idea of a foothold for Satan. I think it's really important because I think especially in marriage, we don't stop and really understand how often we're doing that. And it's in our bickering, our verbal spats, our battles. Describe what a foothold is for Satan to get in between you and your spouse and what damage can be done because of it.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Sure. Well, you know, a foothold is anything that gives somebody a position of power and influence. So when we talk about Satan having a foothold—and this is coming from Ephesians 4—it allows him to enter in. He has access. And from there can, like I said, throw fuel on the fire and exaggerate and make exacerbate, make things worse even. So when we talk about a foothold, it can be even using that verse: "Do not let the sun go down on your anger to not give Satan a foothold."

So when we—and for us, that doesn't mean like we have to resolve conflict before the sun goes down. Like, it's not a literal. But it means we're not going to let it fester. We're not going to let it take hold. Because we know that anger in and of itself is not sin, but how we handle that anger and how we respond. So if there's anger between us, if there's frustration, or if like we were talking about, the very strengths that Tim has, if I find them starting to become annoying, that's a cue to me like, what's going on? Why is this thing that used to be so attractive so frustrating right now?

And what I want to do is I want to justify and say it's because of him rather than saying, "What—why is my perspective changed? What's at work?" And have I allowed Satan some access to dwell on things? Am I holding things? Am I letting bitterness cement? And letting those thoughts—not holding those thoughts captive to Christ but allowing them to develop in ways that are going to continue to drive a larger wedge in our relationship rather than bringing us back together.

And you thought it was just a fan. "I wanted some cool air." No, it's much more than that. Tim, you also write in your book about C.S. Lewis and *The Screwtape Letters*, which is one of our favorites here at Focus. We did a radio theater on that; it's brilliant. We have some great BBC voice actors in that. It's one of the best, I think, that we did, actually. But we love *The Screwtape Letters*. How did that connect for you?

Tim Muehlhoff: Well, we love *The Screwtape Letters* as well. We got a chance to see it performed as well. It was awesome. It showed me the subtlety of it. Lewis is in the fine moments. It's a demon working on a person for years, getting an attitude. I remember the old lady who her tea just had to be just right. And she would say, "Oh, I'm not a picky person. Oh, no, not a picky person. But could I have my tea just a little bit..."

And Lewis goes on forever because she is now not willing to accommodate anything other than what she wants. And she would never admit to that. She would say, "I just like a good cup of tea. Can't a woman just have a good cup of tea?" And the demon is causing her to be inflexible. And that then would be used somewhere else. With children, a church person, but the inflexibility is a great quality. So when I started to read Lewis, I realized maybe the demons that are working on me—it is such small things that I don't even notice this is spiritual attack and he is setting a trap for me.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Which goes back to the craftiness. That's what I think the whole *Screwtape Letters* is such a great example. It's a creative envisioning of just how crafty, it's subtle, it's little steps that we allow to happen and then you end up where you're too fussy about your tea, and then that leads into everything being fussy about everything.

Jim Daly: Right. And the mastery of *Screwtape Letters* is from the perspective of Satan and his demons and how they're going to manipulate these people. That's what makes it so brilliant, actually. When we look at those weapons—we've talked a lot about the other guy's weapons. Well, we've got some weapons too. And one of the things that you talk about in the marriage relationship is the weapon of community. And I'm speaking weapon as a positive thing. You know, our weapons don't line up with the other guy's weapons. Ours is love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, mercy. Community could be perceived in there, you know, relationship—we're made for relationship. The other guy's envy, strife, jealousy, all the ugly side of humanity. So speak to the issue of community and why is that important for married couples particularly.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Well, I think one of the strategies of the enemy can be isolation. And so when you're in community, that's the antidote to isolation. And even if you're just isolated together as a couple and you don't have anybody encouraging you, you don't have outside eyes on you saying, like, "Hey, you look like you're struggling. Can we help?" Or you don't have other couples who are saying, "We struggle with that too." You can begin to look at your marriage and go, "We're losers, something's wrong with us, this isn't working. He's the wrong person, I'm the wrong person." You come up with all these, again, lies that if you're not in community, those lies can take root and you begin to believe them. And you make decisions based on those lies. And I think community can be that speed bump to letting those lies become embedded and then taking action on those.

Jim Daly: Yeah. You mentioned community, but I think we're so illiterate nowadays, if I could say it that way, that I'm not sure that we actually know what to do in community. What you're talking about, being in community and being believers in community particularly, is understanding the weapons of our warfare and even, I think, relate that to Ephesians 6, which is the spiritual weapons that we possess and the defensive armor that we have. Talk about that component and how we need to apply those things.

Tim Muehlhoff: So here's—here's the cool thing when you're at a university with people who study a book their entire life. I mean, think about that. So we have a gentleman at Biola, Dr. Clint Arnold, who has studied Ephesians his entire life. I bought him many coffees, many coffees with a legal pad just writing like a mad person. He said two things I will never forget. He said, "You have to remind people it was a letter. We added the verses and chapter breaks just for easy reference. But it was a letter."

So if you read the letter, his point is as clear as a bell. He's talking about in Ephesians 5 about marriage, and it bleeds seamlessly into armor: the spiritual breastplate of righteousness, right, shodding our feet with the gospel of peace and things like that. But in the letter, it is one continuous thought, meaning if you're going to do this thing called Christian marriage, you better get dressed because the battle's at your feet, spiritual battle.

But then he made a point: but what made the Roman army so effective? Two things made the Roman army so effective. One was their shoes; they actually—they were the first to put spikes in their shoes so they could run up mountains. But when they stuck their foot in the ground, you're not pushing them off that ground. But they also locked arms with each other and knocked knees. The Persians could not move them off a spot.

So the point that we make in the book is, if you were to say to Paul, "Is spiritual battle just one Roman soldier? Is that the metaphor I'm trying to use?" He would go, "Oh no, no, no. Not the soldier, the cohort. It's the group of Roman soldiers that were so powerful." So I think Paul is even there subtly saying, "Listen, families, marriages: one Roman soldier going against Persians would get obliterated. But a Roman cohort coming together is not going to be moved off that mark."

And so first thing we did when we got to Biola University, we pulled together a marriage group. And we've had this group for now 16 years. And it's just life-giving because you were talking about isolation, Noreen. You can just feel like you're the loser family that has a wayward teenager. You're the loser family that is having a really hard time resolving this issue. And that gets rid of all of it when another couple that you respect goes, "Are you kidding? Our teenagers—we were going to ship them off. We didn't know what to do with these kids." I think Satan loses a great piece of ammunition there because it's like, you're not alone. This is normal. And then Satan can't use it anymore because you normalized it. So you've got to have that cohort with you. And I get that it's frustrating and people don't know how to do it. And so I say, grab one or two couples and say, "Let's read a marriage book. Let's read a Muehlhoff book. I'm thinking out loud."

Jim Daly: Thinking in the right direction. Let me end here because our time is done, but it's something I often say: that our marriages are a testimony to non-believers who are watching us particularly. And I think when you're in ministry like I am, like you are, it's even magnified more so. And I think in that way sometimes we'll get maybe even more spiritual battle because if he can take us down, he wins a big feather. How in that context do we get up every morning as a married couple remembering that our marriages are seen by our family members, by those in church, by the people we work with, etc.? Is that important to even keep in mind?

Noreen Muehlhoff: I think it is important to keep in mind, but for me, the most important thing is that what people see in our marriage is a reflection of what's really there. And what's in my heart individually, what's in Tim's heart individually, what's in our heart as a couple. Because what I wouldn't want to do, and I think the danger can be especially for couples in ministry or couples that are, you know, in the public, is that you begin to put on an external what you think it should look like even though and then the internal begins to crumble.

So as we get up every morning, we are aware of that, of, you know, that people may be watching, people are making decisions based on what they see. But the important thing is not what they see; it's what's in our hearts that's creating what they see.

Jim Daly: That's one reason I'm actually really excited about the next generation, because I think they comprehend authenticity better than the previous generation, if I could say it that way. And I, of course that's a blanket statement, I get that. But we tended to project perfection and not live up to it, rather than project brokenness and live that so that other people could come into relationship with Christ. And I think that's what the Lord clearly says: "When you're low, I am lifted up. When you're broken, he's lifted up." And that's the story, that's the power of the gospel. Not that I'm so good I'm doing it well. This isn't like a math test we're taking and I'm an A student and didn't miss any answers. No, this is about our need for him in every aspect of our life. And I hope that's where not only Christian leadership goes, but the entire church goes because I think that's the secret to moving forward in a better direction. That's the ingredients of revival.

Tim Muehlhoff: And it's going to be the groups again. The group keeps us grounded. Our marriage group keeps us grounded. Because if you start to be high and mighty, you can't do that with other PhDs. They're like, "Stop it. Stop it." That really helps us stay grounded.

Noreen Muehlhoff: Well, yeah, because they see you living out—when they see us living out our daily lives, we can't be blowing smoke because they're going to recognize that.

John Fuller: And that's how we concluded our conversation with Dr. Tim Muehlhoff and his wife, Noreen, on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. We were reviewing a book written by Tim called *Defending Your Marriage: The Reality of Spiritual Battle*. And the Muehlhoffs have really provided some great content here in terms of reframing how our faith and conflict can kind of intersect in marriage and why we need God's power to extend grace and forgiveness to our spouse.

Jim Daly: That is so true. And John, it seems so difficult all at the same time. But what an excellent book, and we certainly want to recommend that you get a copy. It's one of many resources we have for husbands and wives to accomplish the goal of being deeper spiritually and being able to have a healthier marriage because of it.

We also have our Reactive Cycle assessment, which is an online tool designed to help you and your spouse identify those trigger points that can lead to conflict. And it only takes a few minutes to do, and it will really give you some great insights. This free resource will enable you to navigate challenging conversations and build a stronger marriage. And we all said amen. Of course, we also have our counseling team, and if you'd like some Bible-based insight and encouragement about whatever issues you're facing in life, let us connect you with one of our caring Christian counselors. Again, it's all free, and thanks to the donors that support the ministry.

John Fuller: Learn more about all the resources and donate when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. 800-232-6459. Or look for details at focusonthefamily.com/weekend. And if your family is looking for fun ways to spend quality time together, come visit our Welcome Center here in Colorado Springs. We've got a great Christian bookstore, a really fun play area for kids, and our famous Whit's End Soda Shoppe. We hope to see you soon. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

Announcer: You're listening to Focus on the Family's weekend broadcast. We'll take a quick break here and then return with another faith-building program for your family. Stay tuned.