Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

John Fuller: When our children are little, they are just such a delight, and it's really difficult to imagine that we'll ever have a problem with them. And then there's the moment.

Danny Huerta: That's right.

John Fuller: Like there was a moment when my wife was looking at one of our kids and said, "Hey, you've been out a lot lately. Why don't you come home at 10:00?" And the answer was, " You can't tell me what to do." And it was a really icy, chilly moment. And she walked away thinking, I don't know what to do with that. And I had a little chat with that individual. Um there are moments where our kids are disrespectful. And what are you going to do when that happens? I'm John Fuller along with Dr. Danny Huerta.

He's a counselor and he leads the parenting team here at the ministry. Danny, does do you relate to any of that kind of icy cold tension?

Danny Huerta: Yeah, we've had moments of of of disrespect here and there with the kids. They haven't been huge. And I I mean, I work with families where there aren't there are intense moments of disrespect. So

John Fuller: Yeah, what I mentioned is is kind of light, right? Compared to what some people have to deal with.

Danny Huerta: Well, yeah, there's some things and that's sad, right? That's it, but it's reality. Uh but there's one a recent one. It's kind of lighthearted, but it was a recent one. I got uh a stevia bottle on my own.

John Fuller: A bottle of stevia for your very own.

Danny Huerta: For my tea and things like that, right? I'll admit that on air. Okay? My my wife got that once. I said, man, that really sweetens it up nice and

John Fuller: Your stash.

Danny Huerta: So uh my daughter said, "Hey, can I have a couple drops?" Cuz she just goes through that really quickly and it's expensive.

John Fuller: Which is why you got your own bottle.

Danny Huerta: So I got my own little bottle. And I put dad on there, right? And I put it off to the side. So she said, "Can I have a couple drops?" And she found out where it was. And I said, "Yeah, just you need to ask before you my bottle's almost empty." And I said, "Hey, does anyone happen to know Lexi? Do you happen to know why this is so empty?" She said, "Dad, I

John Fuller: Ooh.

Danny Huerta: Yeah, I just I really want it." I said, " That that is disrespectful. Even if you're going to replace it, you want to ask." And so we talked it through. It wasn't a big deal.

John Fuller: Yeah. Yeah.

Danny Huerta: And we it it was a good moment for us to lightheartedly talk about different ways that we can show disrespect or respect toward one another.

John Fuller: Yeah. Yeah, I appreciate that. And I don't know where you're at, but listen in now as Focus president Jim Daly talks with Dana Gresh, uh who shares what may be happening underneath the surface when your teen girl is being disrespectful. Let's uh We're right at the end. I want to cover at least one more. Speak to the lie that says that parents just don't get me. I mean, is that a teen thing or what? That's boy and girl, by the way.

Guest (Female): Well, Part of it is true, of course.

Dana Gresh: The part of it is very true.

Guest (Female): My mom, she just doesn't get me.

Dana Gresh: Yeah. A lot of times that when we ask the girls, these 1,500 girls that like, why do you feel like your parents don't get you? Why do you feel like your family is weird? That was one of the lies that we addressed. My family is weird. That one came up a lot. And it was, you know, everything from my family has goats, goats, we have goats, one girl said. Another one's like, we're not allowed to eat sugar. All these things my family doesn't get that I want to eat sugar. My family doesn't get that I don't want goats.

My family doesn't get that I don't want to go to church. Like some of them were really serious things. Comes back to wanting to fit in and wanting to be normal. And we have to teach our girls that normal is very overrated and that at the end of the day, they want to be special and they want to stand out. Like there's a craving that they have to be the celebrity, the the the influencer on social media, right? And at the same time, they're hanging over here on this to this live. I want to be like everyone else.

That's double-mindedness. That's what the Bible calls it.

John Fuller: Huge social media feeds that. Yeah. Mm.

Dana Gresh: And so having really rich biblical conversations with your daughter about the fact of let's talk about what's special about you. God made you so unique. And we might not get everything about you, but tell us what what really excites you that's different and unique about you. Don't tell us you want Instagram or Snapchat because all your friends do cuz we're not going to do the normal thing. You just need to know that up front, but tell us what where are you unique? We want to foster and encourage that. So your nose need to come with yesses.

John Fuller: Yeah, that's good. That's really good. And there's so much content packed in your uh book Lies Girls Believe and then the Mom's Guide to Lies Girls Believe. And we're going to make sure people know how to get a hold of that. But let me end with this. You have five practical ways to honor your parents. I think this is a good one to touch on.

Dana Gresh: Oh, are you going to tell me what they are? I hope you are.

John Fuller: Of course I will if you'd like me to. Accept their decisions, ask for their advice, speak well of them. I like that one. And be respectful when you disagree, forgive them even when they get it wrong.

Dana Gresh: Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

John Fuller: And those are all good ones.

Dana Gresh: Well, we really wanted to give the girls some practical tools for when they just don't like the answer mom and dad give them. And at the end of the day, I mean, all of our lives are about obeying God, right? Isn't that it?

John Fuller: That is. And in your parenting relationship demonstrates that helps teach it.

Dana Gresh: Period. End of story. It demonstrates that. And the one thing in the word of God that is specifically addressed to children is what?

John Fuller: Honor your mother and father.

Dana Gresh: Honor your father and your mother. And so if you can teach your kids to do that and I want to be a part of helping you, that's why I give them these these tips and ideas in the book. Um she's on or he's on a trajectory to obey and honor God.

John Fuller: You know, in that same respect right at the end here, uh it's so important that your children feel loved by you. And so often back to your original point that we can get so into the rules and the legalism that we forget the relationship. And let's end with that exclamation point that as we're doing the parenting responsibility to actually talk with them, sit with them. And I've always envisioned when my boys walked away from one of my conversations

Dana Gresh: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

John Fuller: that they feel loved.

Dana Gresh: Yeah.

John Fuller: They know even if it was, you know, a reprimand or a correction, that they know I love them. And if you can go in that way in this context with your daughters,

Dana Gresh: Yeah.

John Fuller: you will get so much farther along helping them spiritually and emotionally than just going with the rules.

Dana Gresh: Right. Let me tell you something really interesting that we discovered when we surveyed these 1,500 girls is one of the big lies they believe about God. They believed God loved them when we asked them, does God love you? But when we dug and tried to get qualifiers for if there's any when they sinned, they believed they were completely unlovable by God and by their parents. Isn't that the we've all experienced that, right?

John Fuller: Sure, that's guilt.

Dana Gresh: But to have eight to 12 year olds experience it and God's word tells us that he loved us while we were yet sinners. He loved us when we were ugly and messy and hard to deal with.

John Fuller: And still loves us.

Dana Gresh: And still loves us. And I am still ugly and messy and hard to deal with sometimes, but our kids need to know that we love them when they don't get it right.

John Fuller: Okay, Danny, in that clip, Dana Gresh talked about how many girls feel just unlovable. And that I I get that given what I see in the culture.

Danny Huerta: It's important to listen to.

John Fuller: Yeah, it is. How about teen boys? Um do they feel unloved like girls do? And what what happens when that doesn't feel

Dana Gresh: Oh yeah. You know, I've been talking to a few boys that are struggling with that right now. They're they're saying I just there's been no affection in our house. I they long for that. They still long in a different way, whether it be words of affirmation or a hug. Boys still want affection. They may not admit it out loud, especially around their friends because it feels weak to admit that. But most of the time the way it shows up is is you'll see kids or young young men uh potentially become more aggressive because they're just frustrated and they're angry.

And I've seen that with some young men and we when when we dig deeper, they say I was never loved. I don't know what that means. Uh or you may see it as as trying to show off to gain people's acceptance and approval and they're they're doing everything they can including just bragging all the time. I remember a a young man when I was in high school, he came in. You could tell that he had not received much affirmation. He bragged about every single thing and we're going, hey man, we care about you just the way you are.

You don't need to tell these big stories. You could tell he was thirsty. And a big one that that young men struggle with is pornography. Uh it's this it's this false sense that somebody is performing for them and loving them. And it's this the brain is thinking that they're experiencing this that this act towards them and that this person's doing it for them. It's it's the brain looks at that. We're looking at entertainment and media. Our brain is experiencing what it's looking at. And so a teen falsely thinks that they're okay, that they're receiving this affection from this person.

And they're hungry and thirsty for that. At the end, it leaves them even thirstier and emptier and more frustrated and more guilty and more shameful. And that separates you even more from people and and prevents you from feeling love. So what happens now you these boys are in a cycle of going back to it and trying to get more and more of that because at least they feel a little glimmer of some type of love from someone else and they hide and hide further and further. And then it it comes out in anger.

John Fuller: So there's an emotional deficit and they're trying to band-aid that and and address that and fill that need uh with porn or or something else. And it doesn't ultimately take the place of a mom and dad loving their child.

Dana Gresh: Right. And I've seen uh some young men have multiple girlfriends or or or uh pursue a girl because they need that affirmation and love from the girl rather than knowing how to love that girl and contribute to her. They're consuming that other girl. So there's a lot of dynamics under that. If you see certain behaviors in your young boys, maybe begin to explore that. Do they really have they have they felt loved? And if they haven't, what does that mean?

John Fuller: Mm. That's really good. And uh I've got three things for you as a listener. One, um our counseling team is always there for you. Um they may not be able to take your call immediately. In fact, likely what will happen is when you call 800 A Family uh and we'll have the link in the show notes, uh call and ask to speak to a counselor. They'll set up a time for one of those counselors to call you back and uh to hear you out, to guide you, to to think through kind of what's going on, to give you some questions maybe, to point you to resources.

Our donors make it possible for us to offer a a free over the phone consultation. And so call uh again, the number is 800 A Family and ask to speak to a counselor. And then we've got uh Dana's books um two of them, Lies Girls Believe and A Mom's Guide to Lies Girls Believe. Now these are great. One of course for the daughter, one for the mom. This is going to give you a chance to really talk through some of these issues that Dana has addressed, even what Danny's talked about. Uh get the book bundle from us today when you make a donation of any amount and uh we'll throw in a free download of the whole conversation that Jim Daly and I had with Dana Gresh.

So uh donate today either a monthly pledge or one-time gift of any amount. Support the show, support the work of Focus on the Family to help parents. And uh when you do, we'll send that bundle to you. The details are in the show notes. And then finally, we have a free seven traits of effective parenting assessment for you. It'll take you five or 10 minutes and really help you understand what's going well in your parenting. Probably it'll give you some encouragement. And then uh it'll also give you some opportunities to grow a bit as a mom or a dad.

Uh you'll find the link for the seven traits of effective parenting assessment. It's free uh in the show notes. Well, thanks for listening. And next time we'll hear from Dr. Erwin Lutzer, a really powerful conversation about praying for your prodigal child. Meantime, I'm John Fuller. And on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family parenting podcast.