Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

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John Fuller: One part of parenting that many people struggle with is correcting a child when he or she misbehaves appropriately. In fact, is correction even called for? I'm John Fuller, along with Dr. Danny Huerta, and we're continuing our theme of everyday parenting, especially during the school year kickoff. Danny, when a child is acting up, my inclination is to address the behaviors, but what I've learned is it's important to ask what's behind the behavior.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Many times there's something else going on behind there. For many kids, it's insecurities, fears, peer conflicts that maybe have happened, stress, feeling overwhelmed. There are so many different things it can be.

John Fuller: And it's just the beginning of the school year.

Dr. Danny Huerta: That's right, it's just the beginning. Just getting back into the routine. Maybe they haven't slept the same way. They're having to reset their sleep clock or they're not eating right. As simple as that, that can change behavior and mood.

Then getting into the classroom and all those insecurities. "Am I going to be liked by my peers again?" Maybe one friend is no longer their friend anymore and they're trying to navigate that. Maybe there are some things within the home, some stress that's happening between you and your spouse or siblings. All those can begin to create some acting-up behaviors that don't make sense in the moment.

James 4:1 says, "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?" The realization also that kids just have a lot of things happening inside that are competing. Sometimes it's, "Yeah, I want to obey, but I don't feel like it." There's a lot of growth that's still taking place in our kids.

John Fuller: The wise parent steps back and says, "What's that really about?" It’s something I didn't learn until almost it was too late, but I'm glad I was able to at least grab on to that approach. We're going to turn now to a conversation that Focus president Jim Daly had with Linda Ranson Jacobs. She was for years a single mom, and she tells the story of a very difficult call she got from her son's school.

Jim Daly: Linda, your son had a little bit of an embarrassing moment around lunch where he was eating other people's leftovers or nibbling off their tray, and a school counselor called you about that. This is a great example of humility.

Linda Ranson Jacobs: Well, he wasn't embarrassed. I was embarrassed. The school counselor called and she said, "Ms. Ranson, this is really a delicate subject." I thought, "Oh my goodness, what has he done?" She said, "Well, I know Brian's really skinny and you're a single mom and he's just hungry all the time. He's not buying his lunch, he's eating food off the other kids' plates."

I said, "I'll take care of that." She said, "You might want to apply for the free lunch program." That night, I told the counselor, "You need to know something. My son has $80 saved in his drawer in his bedroom because he's saving all of his lunch money to buy a TV." So it's not that he can't, he just can't afford it.

I talked to him about eating off other kids' plates. We had that talk that night, and I said, "I'm going to go ahead and apply for the free lunch." At that time, you had to apply for it and everything. It was so embarrassing for me to apply for him to eat off other kids' plates and for me to have to apply for the free lunch program. I was trying to do everything on my own and that was hard for me. At that time, not everybody got a free lunch at school, so that was very difficult for me to do.

Jim Daly: What advice do you have for that single parent to be able to reach out and ask for help? It sounds tough. I can imagine that the pride issue, the sense of failure, inadequacy, that I'm not adequate enough to provide, are all factors.

Linda Ranson Jacobs: You just have to think of the welfare of your child and you have to put their welfare above your own. We all love our children so much, but when you're a single parent, there's nobody to discuss this with. "Do you think we should apply for the free lunch program or the loan or whatever it is?" You have to put your own issues aside and you just have to do it. You might talk to a friend or something, but you pray about it and you move forward.

Jim Daly: I appreciate what you just said there, Linda. I was thinking as you were speaking that you really have to stay connected to God and ask Him, "What do you want in this situation?" You've got to be really in tune as a single parent. But it's a tough thing because you've got to carry the load of raising the kids and all the work. How do you find time for the Lord?

Linda Ranson Jacobs: I would get up at 4:00 every morning. We lived in Oklahoma and it was really cold in the wintertime, so I turned my heater down at nighttime because I just could not afford all the bills. The next morning I'd get up and I'd turn the heater up so it'd be warm when the kids got up. I'd go downstairs and fix me a cup of tea, and I'd get my Bible and wrap a blanket and put it on the heater on the floor so the warm air would come up around me.

I'd drink a couple of drinks of tea and I would start reading my Bible, but many mornings my kids came downstairs to me sound asleep because I was so tired. That bothered me for so long, but a dear friend of mine in California said, "You know what? God knew you were making the effort and God was wrapping His arms around you, and you were sleeping in the arms of the Lord when that happened."

Jim Daly: No, that's a good picture.

John Fuller: Danny, I really appreciated Linda's commitment to get up so early to spend time with God. That is a vital reset for most of us as followers of Jesus. How did you lean in and carve out time for God when the kids were in the home and school routines were going?

Dr. Danny Huerta: I wish I could say perfectly, but absolutely not. It was whenever I could. I so valued that time and the biggest thing that I noticed was my schedule felt more in order when I was doing that consistently. I felt more at peace and more confident in my response to my kids, more regulated emotionally. I was more present and more available.

It truly is a fact that the way we treat our relationship with God is the way we're going to treat the people around us. If I'm distant from God, if I haven't had time with Him, most likely I'm going to be rushed and not present with my kids. I noticed that in my life. There were moments where we had a lot more things going on and I had the intention of getting up in the morning and doing it early. There were times when I did that for seasons where it was consistent. Then there were times where I thought I needed to reset and get back into that.

Sometimes it was at night, sometimes in the middle of the day. As parents, if we can remember this is a way to gain peacefulness in the midst of chaos, I think it helps us. But it's also about being able to tap into a relational, life-giving overflow of God through us into our home. If we see the purpose of it, I think we'll do it more consistently. If we see it as a checklist or something I need to do because everyone else does, we don't do it and then we just go into shame and park there. That's not what it's about. It's about the fact that you might be missing out on something, so go after it.

John Fuller: I appreciate that encouragement. It makes me think of the apostle Peter, who looked at Jesus and said, "Where else are we going to get words of life? Where else are we going to turn for life? Where else are we going to find life?"

Dr. Danny Huerta: One other thing that I've found was helpful for our family was very practical. We had these cards with verses on them and we had them in our lunch boxes. We also talked about our life verse often. If you have it on the top of your mind and you pray that out loud to God, even while you're driving, it resets your mind in the middle of stress and other places. As parents, we face stress all day long.

John Fuller: We do, and we want you to connect with us if that stress is ongoing and you're not able to shake it and you don't know where to turn. Especially if you're a single parent, we recognize there's a lot there and you probably need some help every now and then.

I want you to think of Focus on the Family as being in your corner. Our counselors are terrific. If you're not in connection with somebody local, call our 800 number at 800-A-FAMILY and ask to speak with one of the counselors. They'll give you a call back at a time that works for you. They'll listen to you, pray with you, offer you resources, and connect you with somebody in your area for ongoing encouragement.

We also have Linda's terrific book, *The Single Parent: Confident and Successful*, which includes her story and hope and encouragement for pretty much any single mom or dad you might know. Get this book and pass it along. The starting point is in the show notes.

And if you love music from Forrest Frank or For King and Country, stop by Focus Live, our new Christian music station. It's powered by Godcaster and you can get the app at focusonthefamily.com/podcasts. Next time, Jonathan Catherman and his sons Reed and Cole address the middle school years. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller and thanks so much for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.