Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

Arlene Pellicane: Ready to boost your parenting? Take the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting assessment. You'll learn your strengths and areas of growth and get access to resources to help you keep growing into the best parent for your kid. Take the assessment at parentingtraits.com.

John Fuller: You want your kids to succeed in school, but there's success that goes beyond academics. There's character, and I know you're working on that. But lean in, we've got a great guest today. I'm John Fuller, along with Dr. Danny Huerta. Arlene Pellicane is a return guest, and she always brings energy and insight and some laughter as well. She has some ideas on how you can see your child and offer ways to grow their character.

Jim Daly: Let's get to the basics. Why do kids have that sense of entitlement? What is making that happen? Are we doing it as parents?

Arlene Pellicane: We are kind of guilty of this. We can say it's the culture around them, it's social media, it's that popular music. Everything out there is destroying my child. Yes, we live in an ungodly culture.

But you look at people like Daniel in the Babylonian culture; I'm sure that was a lot harder to live back then than it is now. So my heart is, let's not blame the culture for what has happened to children. Let's look at our families. Can my children respect me? Let's start there.

For parents, it is this idea that maybe in generations past, the parent was really big and the child was really tiny. Now we've made the child super big and the parent really tiny. We've got to swing that pendulum back to that balance. Of course, a child is to be heard and loved, respected, and cherished. But I am the parent and I'm the leader here, and not the other way around.

Jim Daly: I could see this nationally released motion picture: *Parents Rising*.

Arlene Pellicane: That's right. A call to arms. Let's go, parents. It's like now we will use our ultimate weapon: no. Parents who can actually say no. In a world of yes, we say no.

Jim Daly: In the book, you talk about eight key strategies. We're not going to be able to cover them all. Certainly, you all can get a copy of the book here at Focus on the Family to help us do great ministry along with getting a tool to help you do better parenting. But let's take a look at some of them. Go ahead and give us the eight, and then I'm going to come back and pick two or three.

Arlene Pellicane: The first strategy is amusement is not the highest priority. Your life does not have to revolve around entertaining your child with a cell phone. Number two is parents call the shots. You are the leader, not your child. Number three is routine and boundaries provide security.

Number four is the Bible and prayer are present daily, not just on Sundays. We don't live like every other family on the block. You see this woven into the fabric of our lives. You see the Bible; you hear us pray. Number five is marriage takes a front seat. When kids come into the picture, the marriage can go in the trunk for 18 years. Bring that marriage back as a priority relationship.

Number six is good food served on the table—the food of conversation around a table and then nutritional food so we're not living on chips and soda. Number seven is love is spelled T-I-M-E. It's that good old time that you need to spend with your kids. Number eight is launching adults, not babying children. It's not our job to keep them for life; it's our job to send them off for life.

Jim Daly: When you said that at first, I was thinking the kids are launching the parents. Launching adults to who knows where. Good job, kids, way to launch your parent. You mean it the other way around. Let's look at number two: parents call the shots. That can sound autocratic. Describe for us what you mean by that. Give us a couple of illustrations of how that works.

Arlene Pellicane: This is so simple if we can just get Ephesians 6: "Children, obey your parents." It's what the Word of God says. It is the fifth commandment: "Honor your father and mother so that it will go well with you in the land that you're living." This is how God has set it up.

Even if we are more comfortable being on an equal playing plane, being a best friend, being your supporter and your buddy, the Bible is telling us you are the authority figure. That authority figure doesn't have to be this mean, strict, awful person. No, this is an authority figure that is loving and providing guidance. Many of us as parents want to be chummy-chummy instead of saying I'm not afraid to be unpopular to make decisions that I know are good for you. It's the whole idea of honor and bringing that back.

John Fuller: Great ideas from Arlene. She is such a delight to have in the studio. This month, our theme is mental health, and I'd love to talk a little bit about how this topic connects with mental health. When we have kids who understand character and who are starting to develop character, there's something that is lacking in some kids, and that is a respect for authority. They always push, those strong-willed kids in particular. What's the connection between recognizing and in an appropriate way submitting to authority and success in life?

Danny Huerta: Disrespect of authority has been normalized by culture. Kids many times are a mirror of the world that we are creating around us. Social media has exponentially grown that disrespect towards authority because it's become, in some senses, funny or a person's right to go against authority, and it's ignored character.

For us as parents, we need to teach our kids the structure of authority: why they're there and what the role is of a person in authority. That's creating structure and order, and we need that. We need some type of order to things. Looking at the universe and looking at our world, we need that order.

A child that learns to respect authority tends to have greater success in life overall. We see that from a business perspective in their career and then in their relationships. They understand humility, and that's so important to be able to relate to a spouse. It helps their marriage. Then it helps them as parents to understand the role and what it means to have authority as a parent.

There are different layers that are understood there, but when a child learns this, they do gain joy by not getting entangled in a place of bitterness and hatred in an "us versus them" type of context. Believing that authority is always against you and expecting the worst in authority the entire time is miserable. It leads to anxiety, depression, and bitterness—all things that are cancerous to the emotions.

If you teach a child to expect the best in authority, learn how to challenge with respect when authority may be wrong, and how to have conversation with authority in a right way, they gain self-confidence. They gain a sense of freedom from this bitterness and anger that is prevalent today in our youth.

John Fuller: I'm thinking of lessons I learned along the way when I was younger. Somewhere in there, I realized that authority, especially in the home, can be loving and freeing. If you'll just work with me because I'm the parent and I have a bigger picture in mind. You don't see it, but this is why we have rules in the home.

These are things that I want to impart to you. Do I want you to think critically? Absolutely. Do I want you to just question everything? Well, to some degree, but also to submit when there is authority that is caring or perhaps protective. While you were speaking, I was thinking about driving down the road. There are times when a car will pass me at probably twice the speed limit. I'm looking for authority then. I'm wanting somebody to say you can't do that. That's not good. It's not good for you and it's endangering other people.

There are levels of authority that aren't loving; they're just there for our protection and well-being. Helping our kids understand, even Jesus said authority is good. The centurion said, "I'm a man under authority. I yield to you, Jesus." Jesus said, "You're blessed for that." There is this connection that I think is worth parents exploring and conveying to their kids. The rules are the rules, yes, but they're there for your protection and well-being.

Danny Huerta: Highlight the fact that when it goes upside down, it's because of pridefulness. Pridefulness truly puts it all upside down. If I'm too good to have authority—I've heard kids say, "I don't want to have a boss"—yet that would be so fantastic for them to have a boss to learn how to submit to somebody else and learn to take orders.

Then on the other side, the abuse of authority from a prideful heart. Pridefulness truly corrupts this dynamic between a person and authority in both directions. If we learn to bring humility and teach our kids about humility, it begins to change how they see authority and how they can take when an authority figure is not necessarily handling that post very well, yet still handling their responsibility.

John Fuller: There's so much here. We just encourage you to be a student of yourself and your child. That will lead to better mental health for the entire family. We've got a short article we're going to link over to in the episode notes. It's by Sissy Goff; she's really good. It's called "Can a Parent Expect Respect?" It's a quick read.

Also, we're going to link over to the book that Arlene Pellicane wrote, which covers these eight strategies she referenced in this clip. It's called *Parents Rising: Eight Strategies for Raising Kids Who Love God, Respect Authority, and Value What's Right*. Make a donation of any amount to support this show and the greater ministry of Focus on the Family, and we'll send the book to you as our way of saying thanks for being a partner.

Next time, we'll hear from Amber Lia and her son Ollie talking about how he struggled with being very bashful when they moved to a different state. It's a very common thing. It's something I kind of relate to back in the day. Join us for that. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the team, thanks for being here for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

Arlene Pellicane: Ready to boost your parenting? Take the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting assessment. You'll learn your strengths and areas of growth and get access to resources to help you keep growing into the best parent for your kid. Take the assessment at parentingtraits.com.