Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

Jeannie Cunnion: I firmly believe that God gives us a responsibility to train our children in His way, and that's a huge responsibility. What Focus on the Family did was gave us the resources to do it.

Jim Daly: I'm Jim Daly. When we work together, we can transform our nation one family at a time. Make a monthly pledge today at focusonthefamily.com/joy.

John Fuller: All month long, we're talking about navigating those everyday challenges of parenting and hitting your A-game, being the best you can be as a mom or a dad. Today, we're going to be talking about the importance of God's grace. I'm John Fuller along with Dr. Danny Huerta, who heads up our parenting team. Let's turn now to Focus on the Family President Jim Daly. On his show, he spoke with Jeannie Cunnion about how you can help your kids understand all about God's grace.

Jeannie Cunnion: When my boys were younger, I had a jelly bean jar on the counter. When they did good things, we put jelly beans in the jar. When they did bad things, we took jelly beans out of the jar. Part of my understanding grace was that God doesn't have a jelly bean jar. He doesn't put beans in the jar when I'm good and take beans out of the jar.

Jim Daly: You're sure about this?

Jeannie Cunnion: I'm positive. There's a lot of things I'm unsure about, but this I know. I thought, why am I parenting to my kids because I don't want to guilt parents who are using a sticker chart or a jelly bean jar. That could be working for them. What I know for us and our family is that using those things kept me very focused on the outward behavior.

Doing those things made me very focused on getting short-term results that were often guilt-driven. They were just watching the jelly beans, but they weren't thinking about the big behavior. As parents, it's so easy to think about the short term, but ultimately, our goal and our desire should be long-term heart transformation by Jesus Christ and by His grace, an eternal perspective in parenting versus, "I want easy and I want it now." Okay, that's great, but how is this going to benefit my five-year-old when he's 15?

Jim Daly: Well, and I love that comparison or that contrast that you drew between "what would Jesus do" and "what did Jesus do."

Jeannie Cunnion: Yes. Honestly, that comes from Elise Fitzpatrick and it has been so powerful in my parenting because I think we so often are so quick to ask our kids, "What would Jesus do in this situation?"

Jim Daly: I've done it.

Jeannie Cunnion: I know, I've done it too. What Elise encourages us to do is to step back and first say, "What did Jesus do?" Let me give you an example. In parenting, there are three Rs that I try to remember when I am thinking about what did Jesus do and what would He do. It's Remember, Rely, and Recognize.

When I train my boys in grace, before I tell them what they should do or what Jesus would do, I want to take a minute to remember what Jesus already did. Can we walk through an example? If our boys are being unkind to one another, which happens in various forms on a daily basis in our home. We can take a moment to remember how Jesus demonstrated the ultimate act of kindness already by laying down His life for us while we were still sinners.

We remember His kindness toward us, and then we can point out stories in Scripture where Jesus showed kindness even to the most unkind, like Zacchaeus. Then we can turn to Scripture that instructs our kids in what Scripture tells us about being kind. Do you see the difference? Then we can turn to a verse like Colossians 3:12, which says, "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."

Our first response as parents, at least mine is, is to point out what they did wrong, tell them what to do right, and then throw in a Bible verse for good measure to feel covered. We point out wrong, tell them right, and then give them a Bible verse. What I love about "remember" is that it reminds us that Jesus already was perfectly kind on our behalf. We remember what Jesus already did for us before we lead our kids and inspire them in living like Jesus would.

Jim Daly: Well, and Jeannie, you write in your book that instead of telling your kids what they should do, you talk about asking them, "Well, how would that make you feel if your brother or your sister did that to you?"

Jeannie Cunnion: Right. It's simple. It's the ask, don't tell policy. So often in parenting, we just talk at them. Asking questions requires them to think through their own motivation and their own behavior. Instead of saying, "You guys aren't being kind to each other, you need to be kind," the question is, "How are you treating one another right now? How could you treat one another differently?" or, "Are you treating one another the way you'd want to be treated?" It's just another simple way of digging below the surface and requiring them to think through the belief that lies behind their behavior rather than just constantly talking at them.

Jim Daly: Which goes in one ear and out the other often.

Jeannie Cunnion: Right. So the question could be, "Can we remember Jesus in this situation?" which leads to encouraging our kids to rely on Jesus. This is an important thing. I talk about it in the parenting; it's called "you choose." It's encouraging our children that they have a choice to make here. What we can do is we can encourage them to rely on the Holy Spirit. The second R is Rely. We encourage our kids to rely on the Holy Spirit that is within them when they're trying to make these choices.

Jim Daly: What does that look like practically? How would you apply that to a seven, eight, nine-year-old?

Jeannie Cunnion: My son Brennan walked into the kitchen one morning and I could just tell he woke up ready for battle. He had an attitude. What I love about Brennan is he teaches me to live life to the fullest. He's so full of life and joy, but he also has my firecracker temper, so he can click quick.

He came into the kitchen one morning and I could tell he was ready for battle. He was complaining, "Daddy didn't kiss me goodbye. I don't have a playdate today. I don't like what you packed in my snack." Finally, I said, "Hey, Brennan, I love you and I'm not going to let you disrupt our morning like this. I need you to go back to your room and I need you to find your self-control and I need you to find your thankfulness. You can come back and join us once you've done that."

I heard his little feet stomp across the floor and then it got silent. Then I heard them stomping back toward us. He walked in the kitchen and he threw himself on the floor and he said, "I can't find it! I can't find my self-control. I can't find my thankfulness anywhere!" He was on the floor, so I joined him on the floor and I said, "Hey, Brennan, did you pray and ask Jesus to help you, or are you trying to do this in your own strength?"

He said, "I didn't pray." I said, "Well, can I pray with you? Can together we go to Jesus and ask that the Holy Spirit would give you thankfulness and would give you self-control? We can't do this on our own, buddy." I try to reinforce that with my kids all the time. My oldest son, Cal, gets very frustrated when he says to me, "I want to do one thing and I do another." I told him, "You kind of sound like the Apostle Paul right now."

I get it. I struggle like that, too. Scripture tells us the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. The only way we're going to be able to live the way we desire to live is by the power of the Holy Spirit. Encouraging them at a very young age to not try to do this on their own, but to rely on the power of Christ that is within them.

Jim Daly: That's a great example of modeling that instead of talking at them and telling them that we need the Holy Spirit. You're actually showing them how to invite the Holy Spirit to help them with that particular situation.

Jeannie Cunnion: To live in the likeness of Christ, which we absolutely cannot do without the power of Christ.

John Fuller: Danny, not to brag or anything, but I had one daughter who, when we were talking when she was about 12, I said, "What do you think I should be known as?" She said, "You're the grace guy." I took that as a great compliment. I found myself struggling because I'm a firstborn, do-it kind of rules and order person. It really warmed my heart for her to understand that I had been transformed in a pretty significant way by God's grace in my own life.

I was trying to spill that grace over and allow God to pour that into the family. That's a good thing for me to be known as, as the grace guy. Not the rules guy, not the scowling dad, not the shut-it-down dad. That would be not my doing. Again, that is God's grace in me. That's a hard thing for us to accomplish. We can't do it on our own because we naturally don't operate with grace. One of the ways that we can demonstrate grace is by coming alongside our kids. We talked a few episodes ago about prayer, and Jeannie was talking about coming alongside and praying with our kids. Go ahead and revisit that topic a little bit.

Dr. Danny Huerta: In our home, I would say Heather was really good in this piece. She would ask us often, "Have you prayed about that?" Jeannie mentioned that, and we joked that she should have the t-shirt "Have you prayed about it?" or "Have you prayed about that?" specifically. One of the verses we talked about a lot in our house is Psalm 46:1, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

John Fuller: When you look at the end of that Psalm, it says, "Be still and know that I am God." It's in that stillness that we understand that.

Dr. Danny Huerta: I would say that I wasn't as good at this with my kids. I would say, "Hey, let's pray about it," but my wife would say, "Let's pray right now. Let's just pray about it right now." I love that for our kids to understand that it's not bad to pray when we're stressed out and to come to God before Him on that, but to talk to Him all day long.

I told the kids, "Let's pretend that all you came to me for was when you were stressed out and just needed help. How would that make me feel, do you think?" They would say, "No, you would want to enjoy all of it, Dad, like we'd come to you for other things and play and all that." I said, "That's how God wants us to come to Him. We come to Him for help, and I love it when you come to me for help, but I also love to enjoy the rest of it with you." Let's pursue God in our prayer time where we talk to Him about our day, not just our issues.

When there are stressors, know that you are never alone. From a young age, I would give them a $2 bill every once in a while to say, "Remember, you're never alone. You're inseparable from God." Two goes to one. I'd grab two $1 bills and go, "Whoop, here it is, a $2 bill for you. Put that away as a reminder that you are never alone." If I'm not there, if Mom's not there, God is there all the time. He cares for you even more than we do and He already died for you. We would remind them of that.

I love that question, and then you're remembered as the grace guy. That's something over time you've intentionally brought to your family. You've been intentional with that and the kids have given you that feedback. A great question to ask is, "What am I intentional about and why?" With prayer, the "why" would be because then you're connected to the Maker of the universe and then you know you're never alone.

John Fuller: I appreciate that. We want to encourage you to demonstrate grace in your family, to lead in this way. We have a great article; it's free. It's called "Grace Doesn't Just Happen," and it's full of ideas on being kind, being gracious toward your children, and really just elevating God's grace in the home. Look for the link to that free article about grace in the show notes.

While you're there, be sure to check out Jeannie's book, *Parenting the Wholehearted Child*, which covers grace and so much more. We've got that book here for you and we're happy to send a copy to you for a donation of any amount. We know there are places you can go where you can just click once and it comes. Support this ministry with your purchase or better yet, make a donation and we'll send the book to you. A gift of any amount goes a long way to helping Focus produce podcasts like this one.

If you love Christian music, you're going to enjoy a new digital radio station we have from Focus on the Family. It features great Christian music and some of the great content that we offer in our podcasts. Look for Focus Live on the Gidcaster app and we will have a link in the show notes. Next time, we're going to hear from Christie Straub. She offers hope to moms who feel stressed, and that could be you or someone you know. Listen in, and for now on behalf of Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller. Thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

Jim Daly: Lorinda knows firsthand how to get help for her family and that's why she's part of our monthly support team.

Lorinda: Focus on the Family makes a point of always saying that the money given to Focus on the Family goes straight to ministry, and I'm very thankful for that.

Jim Daly: I'm Jim Daly. Working together we can transform our nation one family at a time. Support this ministry with a monthly pledge today at focusonthefamily.com/joy.