Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

Guest (Male): Do you ever feel like your family spends so much time on screens that they're turning into zombies? Well, you're not the only one, and you can fight back by doing a Screen Fast. Get a free guide from Plugged In, the tech experts at Focus on the Family. You'll get tips on how to do a week-long Screen Fast for kids of all ages, plus tips for you as a parent. Get the guide at pluggedin.com/screenfast. That's pluggedin.com/screenfast.

John Fuller: Parenting is the best thing in the world and also one of the most exhausting jobs ever. It just goes on and on. And if you're struggling, I'm glad you're here. I'm John Fuller with Dr. Danny Huerta. Danny, this month we're talking about mental health. So take us back to when kids were young and chaos kind of reigned. How did you and Heather stay connected? How did you find your own mental well-being spots?

Dr. Danny Huerta: There were moments where there was exhaustion. I remember those moments and you start to compare each other's load. Like, I did this. No, you did more to see who's more exhausted. That is just not a good place to go. I knew that going into that and she knew that. It's just you're tired and you go towards not caring about that. You just go, "Man, I want somebody else to do this. I feel this is unfair."

And you start turning against each other. I remember a few times just saying, "Hey, let's just stop right here. This isn't helpful. How about we take a break? Let's go do something else." There were a couple of moments where I said, "I think I just need to go work out for a moment." That helps me reset. That does not help Heather reset. For her, it could be a puzzle, it could be time just alone taking a walk. For me, it's something really physical, bike ride, working out. It could be just going and maybe even just watching a movie for a couple hours.

That's a reset for me. As a parent, you need to learn that and then go towards it and remind each other. So if you see a parent starting to lose it, be open to receiving that from your spouse where they say, "Hey, maybe this would be a good time for you to just take 30 minutes, do a workout." That was helpful for us to understand that and to remind each other. Maybe this is a moment you're needing and it's a good hint. You are kind of going up to an eight, nine, or ten on your stress scale. I think you need to step out.

John Fuller: It's good for you to be aware of what's going on and to have conversations to put words to what's going on. That's a process. I think early on I just would walk out. Not huff, but I would find something to do and I would refresh there. Now I've learned to say, "I just need some space. I love you and I want to be around you." This is to my wife. There's the whole conversation with kids too. There are some times when I've had to say, "I love you kids, but I'm getting out of here for right now. This is daddy time. I need some space." So it's important to normalize those things, to put words to them, and to remember this is a long haul. Parenting isn't a once and done, it's forever.

Dr. Danny Huerta: You're modeling the appropriate use of time out. You're stepping away from that to regain your brain so that you can handle you well.

John Fuller: So let's turn now to a conversation Focus president Jim Daly had with Jen Babakhan. She shared about lessons she learned about herself and her kids when they were younger.

Jim Daly: I hadn't thought about it quite like that, but as you're talking, I was thinking of intensity. Moms, because of all the demands on them, emotionally you can have this intensity about everything. I would think a distraction of doing something for yourself or a pursuit of your desire helps reduce that intensity or that tenseness around the home. It gives you an outlet.

Jen Babakhan: Oh, absolutely. I wasn't the funniest person to live with prior to taking up writing again. You feel guilt, you feel shame. You know that your kids are seeing you grumpy all of the time. Nobody wants to be that. I say in the book that moms are kind of the temperature gauge of the home. So if we're not taking care of ourselves, it's really, really difficult to then take care of our families in the way that God intended us to. We're not meant just to pour 110% into them. We need to refuel ourselves.

Jim Daly: I kind of see it like a tank of gas. Three-quarters of the tank is used being a mom. And you've got like a quarter of a tank to figure out what to do, including all the household chores and everything else. And then, of course, husband's pulling on you for certain emotional and physical demands. So you're down to fumes. It's when your gas tank says you've got two miles to go and the gas station is three miles away.

Jen Babakhan: Yes, and everybody knows when mama is flashing red.

Jim Daly: Well, I was going to say, Jen, so there are women who are saying, "I want what you just said, but I can't get there." And their husbands and even kids who are saying, "Yeah, mom's not there. She needs something." What hope do you have? It doesn't happen overnight. You don't find your desire and suddenly feel free, right?

Jen Babakhan: No, it really is a process. So I would encourage moms to ask God what He has for you. It really is that simple to just be honest with the Lord and say, "What is it that You have for me in this time? Because I am losing it." Quite frankly, a lot of moms just come to that point where they are so run down and exhausted.

So I would start there. I would start with prayer, asking God what He has, and then just taking very small steps. Research what it is that you think you might like to do. I encourage moms in the book to think back to what they enjoyed doing as children because a lot of times what you enjoyed as a child is kind of the key to what your gifting is and what you'll enjoy as an adult. As a kid, I loved writing essays. I was the one in class that while all the other kids groaned about writing, I was the one sharpening my pencil and getting all excited about it. So I would encourage moms to start there. Start with prayer and then really just kind of reflect on what you've always enjoyed.

Jim Daly: You have a story about a mom who rescued you in a Target parking lot. I'm wondering how many of these parking lot recovery stories are out there. I think quite many. Anyway, the idea is that she saw you in some kind of distress. What happened?

Jen Babakhan: Yes, so it was my very first Target trip with both of my kids. I had been dreading this trip for a couple of months. Bradley, my son Bradley, was only three months old. Bryce at that time was three. And I was just going to white-knuckle this trip. We needed diapers and dish soap, so I was like, "This is a non-negotiable trip. I have to go."

And so I got them out of the car. Bradley was asleep. I put him in the front little carrier that I had that I wore on the front of me. And he hated the carrier. So I knew that I had a limited amount of time with this kid on the front of me. And so I'm holding Bryce's hand and I'm pushing the cart and we get inside the store and I kind of feel Bradley start to shift a little bit. And I'm like, "Oh, this is not going to be good."

Right at that time, Bryce asked to ride inside of the cart, which ordinarily is not an issue. But now I had to lift up my tall for his age three-year-old into this cart with the baby on the front of me. It takes a lot of deltoid muscle. And load him into this thing. And so I get him into the cart standing and I'm trying to instruct him on which foot to put in which leg hole in the cart.

And so I'm telling him, "Okay, buddy, put this one through this one." And he would put it through the opposite. And he was getting frustrated because he couldn't figure it out and every time the opposite leg was going through the opposite hole. I was getting more and more anxious. I could feel myself start to sweat and I thought, "I just need to head for the deodorant aisle before I do anything else because I was really freaking out."

So we did this, me begging him to put his foot through the right hole, for probably a good three minutes until this woman—I call her an Angel of Mercy—she came and she had a ten-year-old son, so clearly she was out of the phase of life I was in. And she just grabs each of Bryce's legs and plunks them through the holes and says, "Thought you could use some help," and away she went.

And I was just like, "Thank you." I mean, I nearly cried because it was just so much emotion pent up. Here I was on this first trek and of course, Bradley started crying. So I basically did like the Indy 500 through Target and grabbed the stuff, put it in the cart, and got out of there.

Jim Daly: That's every mother's nightmare, but it's true.

John Fuller: Jen has this ability to make me kind of get triggered a bit and to go back to times like we're on a vacation and I should be relaxed but I'm really stressed because kids and coordinating the chaos. These are normal moments. They happen to everybody. How we roll is important. Especially when we have younger kids, I think I was the one that was stressing more than Dena. I think she's stressed a little bit more as they've gotten older and the stakes kind of rise. Do you think that there's any trend in moms or dads in different seasons for who's a little more stressed or anxious or worn out?

Dr. Danny Huerta: I think it'd be a whole separate show looking at personalities. It's really a personality difference thing, a temperament deal. And it could be just whatever's happening at work and other things that contribute to that as far as am I willing to admit that I'm stressed or not and then am I willing to do something about it.

And it's also it gives you a sense of how healthy the relationship is marriage-wise and how healthy the person is if they're willing to admit, number one, "I'm struggling." Number two, "I'm willing to do something about it because I care enough about the relationship and about me and about the family." And so a big question for us to be asking ourselves today as parents is, "Do I care enough about the relationships in my home to change some things about me? Am I willing to have self-awareness that I may not be doing okay? Am I willing to be open and vulnerable with someone around me, maybe it's a mentor, maybe it's my spouse?"

And then having them pray for me and admitting, "Hey, I'm exhausted, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed." That's just freeing in itself. And then doing something about it, taking action with it to get to a healthier place as a gift for the family and as a transformational moment for you. And it begins with, "God show me. Show me what's going on inside, in my soul."

David talked to his soul all the time. "Why are you grieved in there? What's going on?" He had a dialogue with his soul because sometimes we lose touch with that and we're doing, doing, doing, trying to please everybody, trying to do all these kinds of things. In the meantime, our soul is just crumbling inside and at some point it comes out.

One of the temperaments that I worry about most are the peacemakers. They lose themselves in it all. They try to make everybody happy and then in the process they're tolerating, they're not being patient—sometimes it's interpreted as patience. They tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, and then they explode. Or they have tolerated so much that they become so overwhelmed that they have a crash, an emotional crash or a crisis in their life because they weren't able to be vulnerable. They felt like, "Man, I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to upset anyone. I don't want people to think this about me." And it's really being able to admit that something is not right is the initial steps to maintaining you in a healthy place.

John Fuller: Well, and I appreciate so much what you're saying. As I reflect back, we had six kids at one point in the home. That was exhausting. And so I'm sensitive to parents who are saying, "I can't get out of this. This is just a season." Well, recognize that. Verbalize those things with your spouse and frankly let your kids know. "Hey, I'm not showing up the best right now and I know that and I want to be better." Kids are remarkably resilient and remarkably forgiving if you're honest with them.

So just put it all out there and then find some way to establish little routines. For my wife, she's been plugged into a Bible study every week. So that becomes an anchor point for all the chaos. It's Mommy has Bible study and she goes and that's been really life-affirming. For me, it's been hunting trips. I'm not hunting so much anymore, but I do a guys' getaway every year. So there's that. Find the little thing to cut through the clutter of the busyness of the season. Even if it's a texting thing with your spouse during the day or a little online game together at night, whatever it is, find ways to connect and affirm each other that this is the season and I can let go.

Dr. Danny Huerta: And John, about 70% of parents—this is a recent survey—around 70% of parents say that they are lonely. They have a sense of loneliness. Sometimes when we're trying to battle everything on our own, that's where loneliness begins. So you're saying step into this with your spouse, a community. You were saying Dena does that, she goes to a Bible study. Find that community. It's there naturally within the church. Find that. If there isn't one, create one. It can strengthen you, it can help you as you're navigating this season and it can be so life-giving to join a group like that.

John Fuller: So we're trying to avoid giving you the list of things you can do to get better. And what we want you to understand is our heart is to help. Danny, you were part of the counseling team here for a number of years. You took phone calls from people, strangers who bared their soul or shared their burden with you. That team of Christian counselors is available. It's a free phone consultation. What a tremendous ministry that is.

Dr. Danny Huerta: I loved being a part of that team. It's a great group of professionals that are ready not only professionally but spiritually to dive into the call wherever you're at. I remember my boss back in the day when I was there, he said, "God has some appointments for us today. Make sure you're ready for those."

And step into the invitation of these appointments that God has for you. Know that the counselors have that attitude going into this. You're not just a number. You're a person they want to listen to and then they'll pray with you. But they will give you some great insights into where you're at and also what to do next, the next step. And that could include a referral to a counselor in your area. Use this resource. It's free and powerful in the way that it gives you guidance for the next step.

John Fuller: Connect with one of our caring Christian counselors when you call 800-A-FAMILY or click the link in the show notes. And if you've got younger kids, if you're a younger mom, we've got Jen's book *Detoured: The Messy, Grace-Filled Journey from Working Professional to Stay-at-Home Mom*. It's an excellent resource with some great stories and insights from Jen. Get a copy when you make a donation to the ministry here today. Make a one-time gift or a monthly pledge. Support the show, our counselors, our parenting page. We need your help, we invite your donation, and we'll say thanks by sending Jen's book to you.

One of the things that has brought an element of peace to our home in all the midst of chaos was Christian music. I'm so pleased that Focus on the Family has a new digital station. It's called Focus Live. It's available online and through the Godcaster app. So check out Focus Live, hear all the great Christian music you love and a little bits of wisdom throughout the day sprinkled into the music. Our segments from our various podcasts and shows—I think you'll really enjoy this. It'll be encouraging to you and hopefully bring a level of peace to your chaotic world.

Next time, Caroline Shankel discusses how she learned to let go and really embrace who she is. It's a great conversation and that's next time. For now, on behalf of the entire team, I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

Guest (Male): Do you ever feel like your family spends so much time on screens that they're turning into zombies? Well, you're not the only one, and you can fight back by doing a Screen Fast. Get a free guide from Plugged In, the tech experts at Focus on the Family. You'll get tips on how to do a week-long Screen Fast for kids of all ages, plus tips for you as a parent. Get the guide at pluggedin.com/screenfast. That's pluggedin.com/screenfast.