Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

Guest (Female): Everything Focus on the Family has to offer, all in one place. Just download the Focus on the Family app. You'll have access to our entire library of resources to help your family thrive in Christ, like Adventures in Odyssey, informative articles, and over a dozen podcasts, as well as free marriage and parenting assessments. Download the Focus on the Family app today for free at your app store or at focusonthefamily.com/app. That's focusonthefamily.com/app.

John Fuller: Thanks for joining us today. We're going to be offering hope to parents of daughters on how you can help your girl feel valued, even in this culture that sends constant messaging that you're not enough, you're not pretty, you're not worthy, you're not beautiful. I'm John Fuller with Dr. Danny Huerta, who heads up our parenting team. I've got three daughters, Danny, you've got one. Pressures today compared to when we were raising our girls, pressures compared to 20 or 30 years ago, it's intensified, hasn't it?

Dr. Danny Huerta: It has. It has, and actually, stats have shown that girls' self-confidence has dropped significantly in the last decade by about 10 to 15 percentage points. If you think about that, that's big. When self-confidence goes, other things, other coping strategies come out, including eating issues and a variety of other things that come into play.

My daughter is a people person. She said, "Dad, I'm just on people power." That is what she said. I remember her comparing herself to certain girls at school. Most of them were what she aspired to have, and that was more connections and more influence. She would compare herself to girls that had lots of friends, and it wasn't always the healthiest person that she was comparing herself to.

Yet, there is still that reality that we compare ourselves to others. That's a human trait we have. So when your kids do that, instead of saying, "Don't do it," understand it better. What is it that you're comparing to? What is it that you wish you had that's not there? Ask the deeper questions with them as they're wrestling through these comparisons because then it makes it safe for them to wrestle through the insecurities and the thoughts that are really taking them into different places emotionally.

John Fuller: Well, we're going to hear now from a portion of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Jim spoke with Scarlett Hiltibidal, and she shared ways that she's encouraged her daughters.

Jim Daly: Scarlett, for those of us who have multiple daughters, I think it's pretty common for one of them to feel like they're getting all the compliments. That happened for us. My oldest daughter probably had people telling her that she was really pretty. My middle daughter will say, "Nobody's ever told me that." Have you experienced that dynamic with your own girls?

Scarlett Hiltibidal: Oh yeah. I mean, they could all say that about different qualities that they have. We have three very different-looking, beautiful girls. My oldest looks more like me, beautiful brown hair, brown eyes. My youngest looks like my mom, blonde hair, blue eyes. The genetics got in somehow because my husband also has dark hair and dark eyes. My mom's like, "Yay! Someone looks like me!"

But I remember my oldest, love you sweetie, talking about you. I remember when she was five or six years old, just noticing that people would comment on her little sister's bright blue-green eyes. Even my middle daughter, who is very special, whom we adopted from China, she gets a lot of attention because she uses sign language to communicate, and she has a lot of special things about her. I just think it's normal for daughters, women, girls to compare themselves, like, "Oh, they're getting attention. What is it about them that's special?"

Jim Daly: But how do you as a parent really dial into that, though?

Scarlett Hiltibidal: You know, here's what I do. I try to help them do what I try to do every day, which is Colossians 3:2: "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." When I do that, I can say, "Okay, no matter if I wore the right sweater to Focus on the Family today..."

Jim Daly: You have a nice sweater, by the way.

Scarlett Hiltibidal: Thank you. It's from Target. That was the only place that was open.

Jim Daly: The tag is still on the sleeve, but it's nice.

Scarlett Hiltibidal: I told my daughter, "Is there a tag? That's going to happen. It's fine. I'm going to be honest." No matter what it is, when we set our minds on things above, we remember this simple and beautiful truth of the gospel: that Jesus, His perfection, His worthiness, is what defines us and what makes us able to have confidence. It's not that we have the right sweater or the right eye color.

It's something that I still fight, and I think every human, if they're honest, fights to look for worthiness in our careers or whatever it is. So how do I do it? When I recognize it, I try to help lead them to what I'm trying to lead myself to, which is to worship Him instead of trying to be worshiped.

Jim Daly: And what I really appreciate as a parent, seeing you talk about that with your daughter sitting right out there listening to you right now, is that it's open and real. This is going to be a lifelong battle that we're all going to fight, especially us girls, and here's how you have to look at it differently. I think that's a great way to hit it with your daughters.

Scarlett Hiltibidal: Hopefully, in 20 years, who knows what I'll say. But something that really changed my life that I love to share when I have the opportunity is I was just in this group of women. This is what kind of led me into ministry and sharing my story. I was a perfectionist striver, and I happened to be at this retreat with women.

This mom said, "You know, my goal as a mom is not to be perfect and to have perfect kids. It's just to point my kids to Jesus. So when I have a win, then wow, the Holy Spirit used me to do this thing. That's awesome. We can celebrate that. But when I fail, I can also say, 'This is why we need the forgiveness of Jesus,' and we have it."

So you're going to fail too, daughters, and you're going to look to haughty lists and your looks, and you're going to get distracted by things, but we can shift our attention upward and realize our whole lives, our whole goal, is to just point to Jesus. That's so freeing. When I heard that, it just kind of took all of this weight off that I'd been carrying that I didn't need to carry. So I hope that's what my girls see with their flawed mom who's frantically going through sweaters at Target before her interview.

Jim Daly: But it's so good, and what's so great about it is it's a simple statement with profound depth. If we can help our kids in their relationship with the Lord number one and put everything else in its right priority, boy, that's it. This is life, and we're all striving to do that.

John Fuller: Danny, as we talk this month about technology and entertainment, we referenced the importance of helping your child find their identity in Christ. Certainly, social media is something that we did not have to deal with, and my girls had to deal with the emergence of social media. They're all adults now, and I like to think that they feel confident, and I love thinking that I've provided them with a safe place where they can be themselves and feel unconditional love. But there are some practical ways, I'm sure, that parents who have younger daughters can really set the stage for their daughters to lean in and feel safe at home.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Yes. Social media is designed for comparison, but it's 24/7 now for girls. Instead of before, you went to school or maybe at church or other places where there was comparison, now it's a 24/7 comparison place for girls. Recent stats showed from Pew Research that 45% of girls feel lonely without their phone. They have found that connection, that community within the phone, and they can't wait to be in conversation with people or updating their profiles, and they feel a sense of togetherness with somebody over the phone.

So it's definitely a different time in history. I think a good question for our daughters is, what is it that makes you feel most like yourself? What is that? Help them learn about themselves. Then ask them the deeper relational questions: "What are you struggling with in your self-confidence? What's your insecurity?" because they won't bring it up on their own.

But if you call it out, especially if you have a safe enough relationship and you say, "We all have insecurities. Here's my insecurity," and you share your own, then you go, "What's yours? What is it doing to you? Especially with social media now, I didn't have to deal with that, and you're doing that. I'm sorry you're having to wrestle through that," and you show compassion towards that.

Then you say, "How is that affecting you? How is that affecting your ability to really lean into that calling of who God created you to be?" Because with insecurity, you begin to maybe waver on certain things, and I want to be your cheerleader. Help me guide you well through insecurities because that's difficult.

John Fuller: I appreciate that perspective, and I hope that you're encouraged to set the stage for your child to grow, your daughter to feel like it's safe at home, and that I don't have to pay attention to all the comparisons out there. That comes naturally anyway; it's just on steroids these days with all the social media.

Well, one of the things that will encourage you is to get a copy of Scarlett Hiltibidal's book, He Numbered the Pores on My Face, which is amazing to read along with your daughter. That would be a way to side-by-side just drink in the truth and the encouragement that Scarlett has to offer. Get the book from us here today when you make a donation of any amount. Your donation fuels ministry through Focus on the Family, and your support of the show is deeply appreciated. Donate today and get that book by clicking the link in the show notes.

Also, we've got a free download for you: the entire conversation Jim and I had with Scarlett. If you've got girls or somebody in your sphere does, and assuredly there's somebody in your sphere who has girls, get this download and give it a listen. Next time, we'll talk with Molly DeFrank about loneliness that boys are experiencing. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

Guest (Female): Everything Focus on the Family has to offer, all in one place. Just download the Focus on the Family app. You'll have access to our entire library of resources to help your family thrive in Christ, like Adventures in Odyssey, informative articles, and over a dozen podcasts, as well as free marriage and parenting assessments. Download the Focus on the Family app today for free at your app store or at focusonthefamily.com/app. That's focusonthefamily.com/app.