Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

John Fuller: We've been exploring mental health all month long, and there were a combination of factors that made me a little bit risk-averse. I grew up in a home where industrial safety was my dad's thing. He worked in an environment where safety was stressed—man-hours without an incident, avoid accidents. So, prepare the way to cut down the risks. Then, being a firstborn, I wasn't exactly affirmed to be a risk-taker.

Danny, this is a session—I was a real rule follower. Absolutely a rule follower. But I'm starting to break the rules, and here's—no, I'm not. I'm not breaking the rules. Here's what we're going to be talking about today: risk and how to encourage your child to take risks responsibly. I'm John Fuller, along with Dr. Danny Huerta, and let's hear from Caroline Shankle. She's a young adult and shares with Focus president Jim Daly about how she learned to let go and take some risks.

Jim Daly: Caroline, let me ask you another thing we didn't mention in the opening there, especially again in that female relationship context: comparison. Guys have this too, but for us, it's more athletic. Do we match up physically? We're just like bear cubs. Can I take him? Can he take me? But for girls particularly, there is a lot of comparison. What do I look like? Do I fit in? Speak to that. You encountered a young lady who was bullying you, and you started looking a little more deeply. What happened with her?

Caroline Shankle: I think the thing with comparison, too—this is where I first started realizing or it's where my whole thing with comparison I started thinking more about it or thinking deeply. For me, it was first in college when I was going into being an animal science major and going into the ag school. I did not grow up in the ag world necessarily, and everyone I was with did in Texas at Texas A&M, of course.

They were going into it knowing all of this stuff, and they had all these scholarships and all these different things. I remember I was talking to my professor and I was like, "I don't know what to do. She's doing this, and she's doing this." He just looked at me and he was like, "Hey, comparison is the thief of joy." I was like, "Oh," and it was just a light bulb for me of, "I've been so busy comparing myself to others, I'm forgetting my own assets and what I have and the joy that I have and how God created me."

I think it's something that's so common with girls, but I feel like there's so much comparison in looks and in accomplishments. Even I faced it in sports with soccer and stuff. We were all vying for scholarships; we were all vying for college coaches' attention. We weren't working as a team; we were trying to just be the best individual we could be. It usually caused us to lose games because of it.

I remember there was one girl specifically where she was a friend, but it was a lot of comments about maybe the way I would look or something I would do. It just made me feel a little insecure. I was like, "This doesn't feel kind." Then one day we were at her home, and her mother did it to her in front of me. All of a sudden, I was just like, "This is where this comes from." I think that was something super important.

It also goes back into advocating. When I was dealing with my other mean girl stuff in high school, there's a reason they're treating you the way that they are and there's a reason they've learned that. That's super important to remember because we always say we're not even that good with Jesus. Now imagine without. You realize you're dealing with people who are really hurting and really struggling, and you have to have a level of empathy and a level of compassion and care for them while you advocate.

That was my eyes open to that when I saw what she was dealing with at home and I was like, "Oh, there's a reason she feels the need to do this to me. There's something going on in her heart, and there's hurt there that she's passing on to others because she's been having to struggle with it." I think that was super important to remember.

Jim Daly: Another strangulation—and I use that word very specifically because it's dramatic—is perfectionism and anxiety. You write about that in the book as well. These are great topics for young people. That area of perfectionism, I think so many Christians fall into that. We're trying to live up to the standard of Jesus. Well, guess what? He was perfect. We're not going to get there, but we're striving to be better as we progress through life—to be the better person, more like Jesus every day. Some days we'll do well; some days we'll do poorly. Speak to that idea of perfectionism and how did you wrestle that to the ground to say, "Okay, I don't have to be perfect."

Caroline Shankle: That was something I really struggled with in high school, especially in sports. For me, it definitely came out in soccer the most. I remember there were games where—I remember there was one specifically. It was my sophomore year when I was going through all my mean girl stuff, but I had made the varsity team and I was one of the smallest, youngest players on the team. We were playing our rival, and my coach came up to me and he was like, "It's on you tonight."

He put a ton of pressure on me, and I panicked. I was so scared of messing up that basically I got on the field and I just shut down. I barely played. People were like, "It was so low effort," and I'm like, "It wasn't low effort. I was just scared. I didn't want to mess up, and I was so anxious." I finally just started coming to the conclusion—and it was a quote, and I wish I had it down and knew it immediately—but it was Teddy Roosevelt and it was the "Man in the Arena" quote, which is my favorite and I live by it. I have it in my room.

I finally started just realizing I'm not going to be perfect, and I'm going to make mistakes. I would much rather go all out and do the best I can and mess up than be too scared not to do it. I was always worried about people judging me or people making fun of me. It says in the quote about those "cold and timid souls that will never know victory nor defeat." I would so much rather try than not know either. Who are they to sit back and judge me for giving it my all and being the best I can be?

It was kind of working through that. It was also just the thing of knowing it's okay to mess up sometimes. That's how you learn. I feel like I've learned more through shanking a soccer ball all the way over there than I did when I scored a goal. I think that was just an important thing for me to have to work through and overcome and be comfortable with rejection, be comfortable with failure. You have to become comfortable with that in order to get better.

John Fuller: Danny, as we talk about mental health, there's an element of decision-making and the will of God that I wrestled with when I was a young adult. I learned I can let go of some things because God is sovereign, He's got it, and I have that assurance. Helping my kids get there is kind of interesting. It's difficult. Some children don't want to take a risk. They get kind of paralyzed like, "I don't want to mess up. I don't want to choose the wrong thing or do the wrong thing." There's a level of inaction. Equip me as a parent to help my child who is maybe, because of so many choices, a little bit frozen or, because this could turn out bad, doesn't want to do anything.

Dr. Danny Huerta: Decision-making can get so intimidating because once you think about the possibility of making the wrong decision, you freeze up. That's just natural. It's fun to see some kids with ADHD. My daughter has struggled with that, and actually, it can be a good thing because sometimes we overthink things. So we do, and then we go, "Hey, that was a great idea," or "I tried something, and it went well or it didn't go so well, and now I get to learn from it."

Kids with ADHD can teach us a lot about that side, and they need to learn how to slow down the decision-making and learn from somebody that doesn't have ADHD. We can learn from each other. But the point is that our brains sometimes can cause us to freeze where we're trying to calculate everything, including college decisions. Those are huge. Career decisions, huge. Buying a car, huge. "Am I going to get married or not?" These are big decisions that kids begin to face when they go into adulthood.

When they're teenagers, their decisions are, "Where do I want to work? What subjects do I want to take? What friends do I want?" We are surrounded by decisions. As parents, we can model the fact that sometimes we make the wrong decision—not a poor decision or a decision that goes against our faith, but a decision that just didn't turn out quite right. Do you ever talk those through with your kids? "Hey, I made this decision. I thought it was the right one. It didn't go so well, but now I've learned this."

In that learning, this has come from that, and a lot of things build on each other. Sometimes what seemed to be a poor decision ended up being a great decision over time. We've got to be patient to see how it plays out, especially if we're seeking God's guidance. Sometimes it feels like, "Man, it didn't turn out quite how I wanted it to," and then you begin to question God, "Why did it turn out this way?" when it turns out to be a fantastic decision down the road.

Help your kids learn that things build on themselves, even the teen years. Poor decision-making during the teen years—don't just isolate themselves to that. They go into adulthood. Good decisions do as well, poor and good. We make about 35,000 decisions any given day. That's the calculation of how many decisions we make in a day. There are bound to be several that aren't quite the best ones because we're in a hurry.

That's why we need to seek God's wisdom every single day and then learn from the ones that didn't go the right way so we can do better. Every day is an opportunity for growth, an invitation to grow. The more kids see that, the less threatening those decisions are. We need to teach our kids how to be courageous with their decision-making. That's not being afraid of things that may create adversity or pain. It's just going to happen in life, and that expands the horizons of our life.

With college, the intimidation for freshmen is, "I need to choose everything right away." No, you learn more about who you are, and there are many tools out there today to decide what career and what major you want to go towards. Many times we try to do too much all at once. Take a deep breath and know that we aren't always going to hit 1,000 on our decision-making.

John Fuller: Well, to help you in modeling this and encouraging your child, we've got the great book from Caroline and her mom, Melanie Shankle. It's called *The Lion and the Bear: A 100-Day Guide to Facing Your Giants*, which will help your teen think through their identity and the options and also the benefits of some failure along the way. Make a donation of any amount today, either a monthly pledge or a one-time gift, to support this show and Focus on the Family, and we'll say thank you for your partnership by sending that book to you.

Caroline shares very transparently in a little podcast series we have, Danny, that you were a part of. It's called *Fearless Faith: Navigating Anxiety as a Teen*. All six episodes are pretty real and have some great wisdom in them covering things like dating and screen time, anxiety, and more. It also featured Ollie Leah; we heard from him just a few episodes ago. Two young people hosting, Danny, you're part of this discussion as well. Check out that podcast, *Fearless Faith*.

Thanks for joining us today. If you would, please take a moment and leave a rating for us in your podcast app. Let others know about this great content, share about it, and we'll thank you in advance for helping spread the word. Join us next time for another episode of the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.