Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

Jim Daly: Has your mind ever gone to the worst case scenario for a child? Well, we're going to talk about anxiety today. I'm John Fuller, along with Dr. Danny Huerta, who heads up the Focus on the Family Parenting Department. And recently, Focus President Jim Daly and I spoke with Ashley Willis, who's really honest and transparent about what she's learned about overcoming anxious thoughts as a mom. Yeah, and then, you know, of course, that idea that fear actually is also leading to anxiety.

Ashley Willis: Oh, for sure. I mean, there's there is an epidemic of anxiety, especially among mothers. I myself, that's a big part of my testimony, and a lot of it, you know, that I experienced was in the parenting years of just those deep-seated anxieties of failing miserably. And I think a lot of it comes from the weight we feel of being a mother, of knowing that this is a gift, that we don't want to take it for granted. and that's a good thing. We do need to know, like, God gave us these kids. It's a big role that we're filling. But I think when we allow that to just rule in our hearts where love is supposed to rule, then we're missing it.

We're missing the joy that's in it. And, you know, I'm reminded of this by Mary. I love Mary's story and carrying Jesus. I mean, she is carrying the Savior of the world. I mean, you talk about having anxiety or having fear of missing it.

Jim Daly: Don't mess it up.

Ashley Willis: Yeah, I mean, don't mess it up, Mary, you know, and doing, and then having to do a lot of, going through a lot of hardship in her journey. And I'm reminded of this because I think about, you know, after she delivered Jesus, you know, having no place to deliver him except around the animals. The first visitors, you know, are shepherds, people she doesn't even know, and they're probably stinky. I mean, I'm a person who's very, like, I have a strong sense of smell, and I think about the animal smells and, like, the shepherds and all the stuff, and here she's trying to give birth, and It's really not ideal.

And I think about all the things that she could be anxious about. She could be worrying about the germs, she could be worrying about the future, whatever it is, you know, it not going perfectly because she's carrying Jesus. But it says that, you know, Mary treasured up all these things, that she looked at all this, she treasured up all these things in her heart, and she pondered them often. And she actually, in the Bible, she's recorded of doing this. The second time she does this is after they lost Jesus for three days and then find him among the scribes. And it says that she looked at her son learning, you know, probably her first glimpse of his ministry, of seeing him become the man, you know, the man he's becoming.

And it says she treasured up all these things in her heart and pondered them often. So two very stressful moments. And I just, I look at that as a mother, and I think we can really, really learn a lot from Mary because she must have understood God's peace. She understood that, yes, there's chaos in this life. Yes, there's imperfections in this life, but really, when we surrender it all to God, when we trust that God is really still in control and he has, our best in his heart, like he wants good things for us and he doesn't waste our pain, that we can have his peace, that we know we're in good hands and we can treasure it up.

I love that term, treasure it up, because that's what we need to do, you know, even in our failures, when we can laugh about it and we can look back and be like, man, that was, that was a really tense moment and treasure it up or the little, the little glimpses of our kids becoming the person, you know, that God has created them to be. Just treasuring up those moments is so important.

Jim Daly: Ashley, one of the things, it must be the journey, the voyage of the peace pirates changes a little bit with age. So when you were the preschool mom, that had to be a little different from the teen mom. So describe that as a mom of preschoolers, what are some of those peace pirates? What do they look like?

Ashley Willis: Oh my goodness, it is so different because you're facing different trials and issues. And, as a mom of toddlers, I think that a lot of the peace pirates come down to just being exhausted. Right. I mean, they're just exhausted, and this is where I do see Mar- Mommy Martyrdom come in a lot because it just requires, they require so much of our time.

Jim Daly: Right, and it just, it just takes all of that time.

Ashley Willis: It does.

Jim Daly: And then you just kind of wither into bed.

Ashley Willis: You do, yes.

Jim Daly: I just need some sleep.

Ashley Willis: And you're like, I don't even know what day it is. And you're walking around and you have something nasty on your shoulder from feeding and you didn't even know it. You know, you're just kind of like, I'm just in the trenches.

Jim Daly: Especially bad when you're at the grocery store and that happens. What is that?

Ashley Willis: Yes. I've had that happen.

Jim Daly: Jean had that happen.

Ashley Willis: Oh my goodness, too many times, and you have no idea, and you're like, did someone not see this? Could they just kindly tell me? And, you know, in the teenage years, it looks a little different. I think for me personally, I really struggled with excessive expectations, like just not, you know, especially that first teen, not knowing what is this supposed to look like, you know? I, and every child is so different, but just really trying to get down to what are those, what are healthy expectations both for my child and for myself.

Jim Daly: Yeah, and I think, I think some of those become even deeper issues with teens, obviously.

Ashley Willis: For sure.

Jim Daly: The culture's pulling at them. And you're trying to protect and do all the things, spyware, whatever it might be, right? Trying to be that perfect parent. And, it's harder and harder, I think, to be that protective parent. We need to do it. But, you're gonna, inevitably, I think you're gonna lose some of those battles, and then it's how do you repair the damage that's done and love them and make sure they're, they know that you love them, even though they may have failed, which is so critical.

Ashley Willis: That, that absolutely is critical. You know, I think it was James Dobson who said, rules without relationship equal rebellion. And that, that is something that I've held on to because I don't want my kids to rebel against me, and even more so, I want to have a good relationship with them. And so I've had to remind myself of this a lot as a parent, and especially with teens. I think a big struggle that we kind of have with control specifically is allowing our kids to experience consequences, natural consequences of when they do wrong, you know, whether it be getting to school late, like, for example, we have our first driver.

If he gets to school late too much, he doesn't get to exempt his exams, and it's like we've got to let him feel that. That's going to be on him. He has to have natural consequences. If he doesn't get to his job on time, he's probably going to lose that job. You know, if he's not paying his subscription to whatever gaming thing he likes, then he's not going to have it anymore. You know, you have to have rules that you follow through on, and as parents, we have to allow them to experience that, but also, like you said, Jim, be there to lovingly guide them along this because we all make mistakes.

Jim Daly: Yeah, it's so true.

John Fuller: So Danny, a parent might be thinking, well, what's the difference between healthy concern for my child and being anxious about them? explain how they're different or the same.

Danny Huerta: That's a great question. I, very important conversation because it's a fine line, but really the big one is anxiety has irrational fears and they extend to the most extremes, right? My child, what if they die? What if this goes wrong, and it's catastrophic, and it's a constant anxiousness, and it can interfere with the functioning as well, where you're constantly worried. Where healthy concern could be, I'm worried about this very rational thing. I'm worried for my child as they're driving in the ice to go to school, if they're going to be safe. And then once they say, hey, I'm good, you're trusting that they're going to power potentially through it, but you're concerned because you love them and you want their safety or their well-being.

The anxiety piece assumes that the worst thing's going to happen, and you're just waiting for it to happen or for you to get the call. And so as your child is driving, an anxious parent would be anxious all the time saying, something bad's going to happen. Oh, the phone's ringing. It must be that something bad happened. And so there's a little difference there, John. The main thing when we're having those concerns with our kids is stopping and praying and giving that to Jesus, knowing that he absolutely loves our kids and we can't control their safety.

John Fuller: That is so good, Danny. And if what Danny is sharing is resonating with you, if you're thinking, well, maybe I am anxious and I don't know what to do about that, give us a call. Focus on the Family has caring Christian counselors, and it would be a privilege for us to hear kind of what's going on and for one of those counselors to be able to offer some steps toward letting go and being less anxious. Those counselors are made available by Focus donors. we have a generous team of people who contribute to the ministry and make it possible for us to offer a free phone consultation. So make a call 800-A-Family and request to speak to one of our counselors. if you're in a spot to donate, help us make counseling available, make resources, make podcasts like this happen. donate today generously, a gift of any amount, and we'll send that book from Ashley Willis to you.

It captures all that she shared in this clip and previous episodes as well, and we've got it here at the ministry, Peace Pirates. So donate today, we'll send the book to you, and we'll thank you in advance for your generosity. Well, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.