Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast

John Fuller: Well, you're never going to be the perfect parent. And today we're going to talk about ways to let go. I'm John Fuller, along with Dr. Danny Huerta, who heads up the Focus on the Family Parenting Department. And Danny, um I sure went into parenting thinking I got this. And and and I didn't use the word perfect, but I think I expected I could probably do this better than most people. What's the problem

Danny Huerta: That's great. No competitive in your parenting.

John Fuller: Besides pride pride pride Well, I am competitive in my parenting, yeah.

Danny Huerta: That's great. You know, it leaves people or parents exhausted with these impossible goals of being perfect. No one can be perfect. Yet, as parents, we want to bring the best, our A game to to the table. And so it's not necessarily bad first to aspire to want to be the best you can be for your kids, but you just can't be perfect. There's going to be so many There are so many things that are out of our control and in imperfections, John, we can we can receive love. Love is present during those moments of imperfection.

And so we potentially could rob our relationship of love when we're trying to be perfect. And I remember working with this one mom. She was all about structure, about perfection, but doing things just right for her kids. And she lost the relationship. She missed out on that and because she was trying to aspire to be perfect for herself. It wasn't about love for my child. It was It was deeper. But her insecurities, anxieties, she needed to be perfect because she felt less than. And she was trying to fix that rather than I want to be the best I can be to love my child.

And in that we realize I'm not going to be perfect. And in the moments of imperfection, we have some rich love moments. We have forgiveness there. We have grace. We have God's ministry all throughout there. We have hugs. You have I'm sorry and those are great moments sometimes with our kids that are powerful and that they remember because life out there is all filled with imperfection and needing love.

John Fuller: Yeah. Well, let's hear from a mom who's been there and she's thought about and captured a lot of what she's learned about letting go in a great book, Ashley Willis. And you can find details about her book in the show notes right now. Here she is talking to Focus president Jim Daly about letting go and enjoying the time with her kids.

Jim Daly: You stress for moms not to miss the moments. I mean, not to get so distracted by those chaotic things that you're you're missing the things that count. I guess the question on behalf of moms is, okay, how do you discern when that moment is and I don't want to miss that moment? And what are the moments I can just forget?

Ashley Willis: Right. Well, I do think I'm glad you mentioned that there are moments that you want to forget. And I I think that we're You know, we're human beings. We're not perfect. God doesn't expect us to be perfect parents. He's the only perfect parent. And I actually take great comfort in that. Like I look at the stories of Jesus's parents. I mean, they lost him for 3 days. I'm like, man, if that's in the word, like God God understands it. As parents, we get stressed out and he just puts that story in there for good measure to let us know, hey, there are no perfect parents.

So I I take great comfort in that. But I think that even with knowing that, I think it's really important that when we blow up, we do say we're sorry. Our kids need to see us having a repentant heart. Like when we blow it, just owning that and saying we're sorry. But then I think that not staying in the thick of whatever happened too long and finding the humor in it. And that's something that my husband Dave has It's just helped me so much. I mean, he's so good at finding the humor at the right moment.

I mean, it has to be at the right moment cuz it can definitely not go so well.

Jim Daly: That can backfire.

Ashley Willis: That can backfire real fast. But like as a family, like even this kayak trip, for example, you know, once we got in the car and I'm feeling like a total failure as a mom like cuz I just lost my mind out there on the water. And I was just like, man, this was supposed to be a good moment and now it's just going to be this bad memory. And I think one of our older boys was like, mom, that was so awesome. You went crazy. And And you know, and he's like and those people were staring at us.

It was so funny. And I like was so mad at first, but then I would I just started laughing and I was just like, guys, you're right. I am so sorry.

Jim Daly: Oh, that's good.

Ashley Willis: I said, I'm so sorry I lost my temper. Hopefully we can look back on this and laugh. And let me tell you, this was many years ago. We have laughed and laughed over this story. And so sometimes, you know, those worst moments can become like just It can give you some levity just in the in the day-to-day life. And so we we actually that has become one of our favorite stories at at my um expense. But

Jim Daly: Yeah. Yeah. No, but it's good. It's one of those markers. And it's great for your kids. Those are great lessons. When they can remember it like that, see it illustrated and so

Ashley Willis: Yes. Yes.

Jim Daly: good of you to come back and talk about your failures with your kids. No, seriously.

Ashley Willis: Well, we all fail, right?

Jim Daly: Yeah, absolutely. I want to put a little uh emphasis on moms in control. And And partly because I saw this firsthand with my wonderful wife Jean. I mean, having two boys, that was one of the things that as they became teenagers, it became a battle. You know, they're trying to kind of expand their uh wings and she's trying to keep them kind of hemmed in a little bit. And we would have

Ashley Willis: Mhm. Mhm. Yes. Right.

Jim Daly: you know, discussions about that and you know, maybe time we need to back up a little bit. And to her credit, she really did let go in the proper way, not totally. But it changed everything. It changed her relationship with our boys. It changed her relationship with me. I mean, it

Ashley Willis: Right. So good. Mhm. Right.

Jim Daly: And it most importantly, it brought her more peace, more shalom.

Ashley Willis: Right.

Jim Daly: And I could see it.

Ashley Willis: Yes.

Jim Daly: So speak to that mom that is still in that battle. And what Jean would say is, I just wish I would have understood that earlier.

Ashley Willis: Oh, I echo what she said because I We always You know, my husband and I always tease and say we are such different parents with our fourth as opposed to our first because we don't let the little things bother us as much and we do give a little more, you know. And with the first, I feel like I was so just You know, trying to keep a tight ship and and feeling like I 'm failing miserably. But I would say to the mom who's who feels, you know, just like things are You know, they're with those teenagers specifically and maybe it's not even a teen This can happen earlier especially if they're a strong-willed child.

And we have several of those.

Jim Daly: Right. Yeah. Right. Right.

Ashley Willis: And they they really just you know, they they have such a strong mind that really sees things a certain way and leadership qualities cuz it's not all bad. I mean, people You know, it's hard raising strong-willed kids, but that can serve them well in life. But I think it's really giving them choices when when you can give them choices really helps go a long way. I think too remembering to choose your battles. I mean, my goodness, how many times I've had to learn that the hard way. Like is this really worth the fight? Because if it Does this have to do with life-altering things or is this just details?

Because if it's just details, it's not going to alter their life, maybe it 's not worth, you know, us all losing sleep over it.

John Fuller: Yeah. Uh well, Danny, as my children have gotten older, the question that Ashley was asking there is uh is more and more important. That is if my child is making a life-altering decision

Danny Huerta: Mhm.

John Fuller: and they don't want to listen to me, what am I supposed to do?

Danny Huerta: That's tough. I mean, pray first, right? Get on your knees. But it really depends on the age. If you have an adult child, it's very limited as to what you can do except for putting some boundaries that are healthy with that adult child. I I I've worked with some parents that have wanted to rescue their kids, to prevent them from making some life-altering decisions. That's not always the best. Sometimes they need that life lesson. But with teenagers, sometimes we need to step in and say, hey, this is not okay. You're not going to start smoking pot in our home.

You're not going to start whatever that is. You're not going to start going to parties and and and drinking. That's That's something that you cannot do and your teenager in our home and you're putting some firm boundaries and saying, let's go a little deeper here. This life-altering decision, it doesn't make sense to me with what you're wanting for your life. And I'm needing to step in to help out. And within that, knowing that you don't own their decisions and their bad behaviors.

John Fuller: Mhm. Yeah, you're not saying And I loved the the qualifier you put there in our home. In other words, our kids might do stuff out of the home.

Danny Huerta: Yes.

John Fuller: Um but if they're living in our home, we have to draw boundaries and help them understand you can't have it both ways. You can't You can have You've got free agency here.

Danny Huerta: Yes.

John Fuller: But I 'm not uh going to support you in that. I'm not going to allow for that. I'm not going to enable you to do that. There are consequences with choices.

Danny Huerta: Right. And as as parents are thinking through this, I think Ashley has set up the the conversation in your home very well. So that's a good beginning figuring out how you how you do this because there there there are a lot of nuances to to this question.

John Fuller: Yeah. Yeah, and I took it kind of in a deep way. And Ashley really covers a lot of the parenting. And I love how you put that. She really has laid a great foundation. Uh get a copy of Ashley's book Peace Pirates, Conquering the Beliefs and Behaviors that Steal Your Treasure in Motherhood. It'll help you let go of perfectionism. It'll help you let go of some of those choices that your kids make especially when they're younger and they're not life-altering. They're just, hey, I want to have pink hair. Great. Let have pink hair, whatever. Um Ashley will help you get good perspective.

And I think it'll be a great encouraging book for you or a mom in your life. Uh get the book from us here at the ministry. Uh make a generous donation of any amount, either a one-time gift or if you're in a spot to do so, make it a monthly pledge, a monthly contribution. Uh either way we'll send that book Peace Pirates to you uh as our way of saying thank you for supporting the work of Focus on the Family and helping us help other parents. We 've also launched a new e-newsletter that you can sign up for.

It's called Age and Stage. Danny, just a headline on that cuz you your team has worked really hard on this.

Danny Huerta: Yeah, the the weekly one is our parenting tips for parents to engage with that are stage specific, what stage your child is in, what stage you're in as a parent with that child. And with that you can also sign up for content to be sent to you at the birth month of each of your children, which is fantastic. And it talks about what to expect, what to build, and how to grow. Just check it out.

John Fuller: Yeah, you've done a terrific job, you and the team. And this is going to be a a terrific resource for you moving ahead in your parenting journey uh no matter where you are in it. So uh sign up for the e-newsletter and get Ashley's book and make a generous donation as you can. All the details are in the show notes. Next time we'll hear from Dana Gresh about the lies that so many girls believe about friendship. For now, I'm John Fuller and on behalf of Danny Huerta and the entire team, thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.