Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

John Fuller: But for the better part of 40 years now, when my wife opens up about something difficult, I don't react emotionally. I go into fix it mode. That generally doesn't work. I'm John Fuller along with Dr. Greg Smalley and his wife Erin. They lead the Focus Marriage team. Greg, why do I do that? Why why is it so Why why haven't I learned that she's not looking for the fix?

Greg Smalley: Well, you probably ate a lot of lead paint maybe when you were growing up. Could could have been a bad

John Fuller: I didn't wear seat belts either.

Erin Smalley: I hear what Greg has to say.

Greg Smalley: Um I I think advertisers often talk about the two big motivators in our life are the fear of loss or the desire for gain. And I think those two actually can play together is why men jump into that fix it mode. I think for a lot of guys, they have such a desire to help and in their mind really offering solutions and fixing something. I'm hearing Erin you know have this problem where she's frustrated about this. And so the best way that I can help is to give her a solution that will alleviate the pain.

John Fuller: Yeah. Just stop doing whatever is leading up to that.

Greg Smalley: Right. It and so I I don't want to what what I don't want to get lost is I truly do believe there is a desire to genuinely help. And that's a part of how a man

John Fuller: Mhm.

Greg Smalley: really is trying to love his wife in those moments. I'm not saying that that it works or it gets the desired effect. So I think that's one the desire for help, but I think there's also a fear of helplessness. I think a lot of guys uh feel uncomfortable when they're confronted with their wives' emotional distress or a woman's emotional distress. And so I think offering a solution is probably a way to regain maybe that sense of control or um how to feel competent in that situation. And so again, I think the growth opportunity for all of us as guys is to one mean ask your wife, is that helpful actually when I offer solution as you're sharing something or maybe is there a something else I could do that would uh be more impactful for you in that moment and and help us to even feel more connected.

And just self-reflect how do I feel around emotions when when Erin is is hurting or or has you know some more negative emotions, how does that make me feel?

John Fuller: Yeah.

Greg Smalley: And if I if I don't know what to do with those or if I feel uncomfortable, again, there's a growth opportunity. The better I learn to manage emotions, it it allows me to show up very differently in those times when Erin wants to to talk about those things. That's so helpful.

John Fuller: Mhm. Yeah. Well, let's go ahead and turn to a clip now. Focus President Jim Daly spoke with Bill and Pam Farrel about ways that our brain chemistry influences how we communicate.

Jim Daly: Let's speak to the brain science cuz you did include some of that in the book. And this is really good. I think this is interesting stuff. Again, I think God creates it all, right? He puts those forces of nature in us and creates those brain pathways and our brain chemistry, etc. So what have you found in the brain science side?

John Fuller: So the most significant part of the brain science is is that women have more connections between the two sides of their brain than men do.

Jim Daly: And women are going to say told you so.

John Fuller: Right. So when when men are in the womb, like when boys are in the womb, there's a testosterone bath that takes place. It severs some of the connections between the two sides of the brain and sends a signal for other connections not to develop.

Jim Daly: Huh.

John Fuller: And so women literally have more physical connections between the two sides of the brain. So so they mix emotions and thoughts together very easily.

Jim Daly: Right.

John Fuller: And men we tend to stay on one side of the brain. So we we can kind of go you know front to back in one side of the brain very efficiently. And we tend to be very focused on solving problems because we're either looking for a creative solution or we're looking for an analytical solution. And we don't go back and forth between those.

Jim Daly: Right.

John Fuller: And so there are some situations in life that require that like we got to stay focused and we we got to stay on track. And men tend to be very good at leading those discussions. There's other decisions in life that require a mix of thoughts and emotions. And you have to see down the road like how is this going to affect our child 12 years from now? And women tend to see those connections really effectively.

Jim Daly: Mhm. In fact, you mentioned that in the book literally that women are left right and then men are front back. Describe that just that geophysical thing and what's going on for us.

John Fuller: So I'll I'll start off with me like I tend to be analytical when I'm problem solving.

Jim Daly: Mhm.

John Fuller: So that puts me in the right side of the brain and I just stay focused. I am looking for reasons. I'm looking for structure. I'm looking for a system. And when the situation requires that, I'm really good at leading that discussion. Now Pam on the other hand, she can connect emotions and thoughts together very easily. Because and by the way guys, women tend to have better memories because they're always

Jim Daly: Oh you're you're killing me now man.

John Fuller: They're always connecting.

Jim Daly: Jean is going to say remember what Bill said.

Erin Smalley: Remember that one where I told you remember that one?

Jim Daly: She does though.

John Fuller: Well, but they're always connecting a thought to an emotion.

Jim Daly: Uh-huh.

John Fuller: And when you add an emotion to a thought, you remember it better. It's why it's why we all know song lyrics, but we can't always remember a sermon. Because the music connects both sides of the brain. So like I've just learned to rely Pam's going to have a better memory about things that have happened in our life because she connects them very easily to the emotions of the moment.

Jim Daly: Right. And that's how your brain actually has a memory. It's a chemical reaction. And when emotion is attached, it's a deeper memory. I think that's accurate.

John Fuller: Yeah. Right. Right. Well, that's really fascinating. Uh you know in communication we've touched on it bit, but what advice do you have for us husbands uh who are trying to keep up with the rapid pace of topics that our wife might be you know talking to us about? So so what I say to guys all the time is the greatest skill you can learn in your marriage is learning how to listen recreationally. And what I mean by that is as men, we think there's always a point. You know when your wife said hey let's talk, we're thinking okay there's a point.

I got to find the point. I need to give my input on the point and we need to agree on the point. And that's not really how women operate all the time. Like the times they they do go there. But what women tend to do is they build trust by connecting. So if your wife thinks you are important, she wants to connect her life to you. So she wants to tell you what she did, what she thought about doing and didn't do, what her mom had to say about it, what her sister had to say about it, how she would do it differently next time.

And she's not looking for input on all of those thoughts. She's connecting her life to you. And when she gets enough of her life connected to you, you suddenly turn into a trustworthy individual in her life. And as men, we're always short circuiting that process. And if we can learn to just turn off that fix it mechanism cuz as men, we just think there's a problem on the table and we need to fix it. We can just turn it off pack up our bags and go on a listening journey with our wife. And if there is a point, she will ask you.

She will say I need your input on this.

Erin Smalley: Cuz we're great problem solvers. We just do it differently. Men and women are both wonderful problem solvers, but we are unique in the way that we deal with our issues.

John Fuller: All right. So Erin, what what does it mean to you when Greg doesn't lead with a hey here's how to fix it, but instead he leans into hey tell me more about what you're feeling?

Erin Smalley: Uh I love it when he leads with that. How are you feeling? How are you doing? Um because it tells me that he's open and that he is willing to listen and he's interested in what's happening for me and he's willing to also pay attention to my emotions, my heart. And then we can connect heart to heart versus brain to brain. And whenever I am sitting with a couple, I will often ask the wife, do you want to connect with your husband brain to brain or heart to heart? And it it's a no-brainer literally because they want women want heart to heart.

Not always though. There are times that I have a problem. Like for example, recently the printer broke. And I didn't want Greg to come in and go Erin, tell me how you feel about the printer being broken. Oh that makes so much sense. Versus fix the printer. I'm in a hurry. I got stuff to do. So it's so important um to really be clear on what are you wanting or needing or lead with how are you feeling? And that just tells me that he's open, that I'm valued, that he values the connection, and that we're going to get to connect heart to heart.

John Fuller: That's really good. And if you're feeling that your marriage could benefit from a tune-up, we've got a great tool for you. It's our free marriage assessment which you can complete in just a few minutes. Uh take it together as a couple and you'll find out how you 're doing so well in some areas and maybe some areas to improve in. It's free. About a million people have taken this and we encourage you to do so today. You 'll find the link in the show notes. And then what you heard from Bill and Pam Farrel comes straight from their book Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti.

Understanding and delighting in your differences. And we're going to send that book to you when you make a generous one-time gift of any amount to the ministry today. You'll find the ways to donate and get your copy of the book in the show notes. Next time we're going to hear practical ways to engage with your spouse at the end of a busy day. And for now on behalf of Greg and Erin and our entire team, I'm John Fuller and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.