Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

--Greg Smalley-- Everything Focus on the Family has to offer, all in one place. Just download the Focus on the Family app. You'll have access to our entire library of resources to help your family thrive in Christ, like Adventures in Odyssey, informative articles and over a dozen podcasts, as well as free marriage and parenting assessments. Download the Focus on the Family app today for free at your app store or at focusonthefamily.com/app. That's focusonthefamily.com/app.

--John Fuller-- What do you do if your spouse is making a choice that you consider unhealthy, but they're just not interested? I'm John Fuller, joined by Greg and Erin Smalley, who lead the Marriage department here at Focus. And we're going to turn our attention to a clip from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, in which Jim spoke with Dave and Ashley Willis about a health concern that Ashley had to confront Dave about.

--Jim Daly-- Dave, Ashley commented on this a minute ago. You also found yourself in some difficulty. Can you describe that and then how Ashley responded to you and was it helpful?

--Guest (Male)-- Oh, she's she's the most helpful. Like she's wisely said before, and I love this, she said a strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It's usually a husband and wife taking turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other is weak. And she has been the strong one 95% of the time.

So that that one season she described was one of the one of the opportunities I had, and I did count it as a privilege to be strong for her in those moments, even though I still was out of my league and completely unsure of what to do. I knew if I can just be present and be the place where she can lean in the place where she feels safe, then then I'm going to be doing my part as a husband. But she's done that for me over and over again through a variety of different things.

But fast forwarding into more recently, I've had some health challenges. I kind of thought, I'm never going to have health challenges, right? I'm I I never would go to the doctor.

--Jim Daly-- Least in your mind you think that.

--Guest (Male)-- In my mind, I'm healthy.

--Jim Daly-- Then something happens.

--Guest (Male)-- She kept saying, you need to go to the doctor and I'm like, I hate going to the doctor. They make you fill out the same clipboard over and over. It's the same stuff I filled out last time and it's it smells weird in there and I just don't like going. And she's like, well, you need to go. I feel like something is off and I'm like, nothing's off. I'm just just stressed. Nothing's off. And so eventually she said, you know, I made an appointment for you Tuesday at the doctor. And I was offended. I'm like, I'm a grown man. I I make my own appointments. I'm not going.

So there I was Tuesday at the doctor's office and doing what my wife had asked because she's usually almost always right and she was right about this. And they did some blood work and long story short, they were like, oh yeah, you got all kinds of stuff wrong. And I'd had a my thyroid had stopped working. I didn't even know what a thyroid was. It's this thing in your neck if you're interested, you can Google it, it does a lot. And so I had to learn about all that. And because of that, my hormones were off, my testosterone was really low, which which impacts everything from from energy level to sex drive and a bunch of other stuff too.

And I was just off. Like she was so right. She had wisely seen my blind spot and said, you know, you need to you need to do this to help be at your best. I'm going to love you no matter what, but I feel like there are solutions we could take. So that's kind of put me on a long journey of trying to get those things right. And it hasn't been easy and I've been frankly, I've been moody and I've been just just kind of why are you laughing?

--Guest (Female)-- I'm just glad you mentioned mood because that was a big part of this.

--Jim Daly-- Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Yeah.

--Guest (Male)-- Yeah. No, it's turned into counseling. How much do you guys charge by the hour? Just might take a while. You have a couch I could lay on?

--Guest (Female)-- But to his credit, like if you look up kind of these issues like with the thyroid, it does affect your mood. I mean, it really.

--Jim Daly-- Oh, sure.

--Guest (Female)-- It can also send you.

--Jim Daly-- No it doesn't.

--Guest (Female)-- I know. No, stop it. It also sends you in it can send you into a depression, it can even give you anxiety. And so there's a lot of these different things. And we've had to educate ourselves. And as your wife, I mean, I wanted to educate myself so I could best support you. And really, I just remember, you know, especially when he would have moments of anxiety and depression, I counted it as a privilege to just help Dave in what I'd learned through my own journey.

--Jim Daly-- You knew exactly what was going on.

--Guest (Female)-- Yes, yes. Even though it can manifest slightly differently in men and women.

--Jim Daly-- Right.

--Guest (Female)-- Uh, you know, a lot of times with women, you see a little bit more of the sadness and the crying. With men, and this is very generally speaking, it can look a little different person to person, but with men it often manifests itself in anger.

--Jim (Male)-- Yeah.

--Guest (Female)-- And it was an angry season for Dave. And and it was anger too that you'd be like, I don't even know what's causing this, you know, and when you can't really point to an actual, not to discount anger, but like if you can't point to something, then you know something's chemically off here.

--Guest (Male)-- But there were a lot of those moments where I I I would just be like all worked up and she'd be like, explain to me what's wrong.

--Guest (Female)-- Yeah like what?

--Guest (Male)-- And I'd be like, I'm so mad because and I'd really start thinking about it. And I'm like, well, I don't know, but I'm but I'm still feeling this way.

--Guest (Female)-- But you're so mad.

--Jim Daly-- You know, that's a really good indication though when you're trying to identify signs, you know, what's going on, when something's out of balance, just like the word says, right? When something's out of balance and you probably need to step back and have a little deeper discussion and talk about what's going on. Um.

--Guest (Female)-- Absolutely.

--Jim Daly-- That seems elementary.

--Guest (Female)-- Yes. And bring in professionals. Like go to the doctor, go to a Christian counselor. You know, and in my own journey, I had to do this. And I think one of the biggest things I would tell anybody listening who maybe is experiencing a physical, mental or even spiritual health crisis, you know, it's a process. It generally speaking, God could take it away in in a minute if he wanted to. And he, you know, we have accounts of this in the Bible. But most of the time it's a process where he's growing us, he's healing us, we're learning a lot on the journey. And I think if we remember that it's not going to just happen overnight, that it's a process that he never wastes our pain, that alone kind of brings us some peace in the midst of this storm.

--John Fuller-- Okay, Greg, so my spouse has an unhealthy choice. I've had the conversation. I said, you need to do this. They didn't like that. And so I sort of feel like I can't wag my finger and say that anymore. Uh, give me a script or two to get me into the conversation in a better way.

--Greg Smalley-- Yeah, whenever we maybe challenge our spouse, confront our spouse, try to give them feedback, whatever. Call it whatever you want. Yeah, if now you're reflecting on that going, I can tell by looking at them, maybe I need to circle back. Tell you that the first place you have to go. So don't go and talk to them even to apologize until you have gained insight into what was really going on for me.

--Jim Daly-- Hmm.

--Greg Smalley-- I confronted or I was giving feedback, why? What was getting triggered in me? What was the fear? I guarantee you there's always something there that's driving that. Maybe you're aware of it. Maybe you offered it. Probably you didn't. That's where you want to start. So you know, I've I go to challenge Aaron about something or give her feedback. The the best case is that I can offer to her, hey, you know, I'm I'm noticing this and it actually makes me really anxious. I I I I can tell I've got some fear around this because I love you. I want to spend, you know, the next 40 years with you. And and I'm just I I I'm I can sense the fear in me that this is maybe going to cut your life short and I won't have you. Whatever it is.

--John Fuller-- Hmm.

--Greg Smalley-- That that if you can bring that first and foremost to the table, that's an important part of the insight that you want to give. This just isn't going back to apologize. You've got to give some insight into what was really going on for you. So first and foremost, sit there with the Lord and ask, God, help me, give me clarity. What's going on for me? What what's the fear? I'm telling you ask yourself that. What what am I afraid of? I brought this up because I'm afraid of what?

--Jim Daly-- Hmm.

--Greg Smalley-- And if you start there, I mean, even for us last night, come to think of it, I was talking to Aaron about something and you're like, you have got to go in and and get this checked out by a doctor.

--John Fuller-- It wasn't your knee, was it?

--Greg Smalley-- It could have been my knee, but it's probably some other element.

--Jim Daly-- We don't need to There's a HIPAA thing, we won't violate that.

--Greg Smalley-- But but that but that's the point. I I if if I really dug in in this moment, which I won't put her on the spot, but there's probably something for her that got triggered that made her go, and you need to go get that checked. Not just a pure altruistic like this is just my love for you. Like there's something that probably got triggered in you.

--John Fuller-- Yeah.

--Jim Daly-- Right?

--John Fuller-- Yeah.

--Greg Smalley-- So we we'll pause.

--John Fuller-- Do you remember what that was?

--Greg Smalley-- After the show.

--Aaron Smalley-- Was that before or after I ate the carrots that expired in December?

--Greg Smalley-- Oh, that's right.

--Aaron Smalley-- My word.

--John Fuller-- How do old carrots go down?

--Aaron Smalley-- They they didn't taste bad at all.

--Greg Smalley-- It's very slimy, that's what she was saying.

--Aaron Smalley-- They weren't even slimy. I was actually like, oh, these are really good. And then I looked at the date and I went.

--John Fuller-- You have a great refrigerator.

--Aaron Smalley-- She was just Googling, you know, what happens if you eat carrots that are for expired three months ago.

--Greg Smalley-- Whatever.

--Aaron Smalley-- Nothing. Or a stomach ache they said.

--Greg Smalley-- So we had a really fun conversation last night.

--John Fuller-- Yeah. And the point of that was that she told you that you had to go get something done.

--Greg Smalley-- Well, that was that's what was going on for her. We had a different conversation about me and what was going on for me. So again, all I'm saying is before you circle back with your spouse to kind of clean that up, you've got to get some awareness of what was really going on for you. Because that would be a great way then to say, hey, Aaron, yeah, I can tell that conversation didn't go well. And I'd love to hear what that was like for you. And maybe I put you on the spot or maybe, you know, I came across too harsh, whatever. Tell me what that was like and care about that. Then you can offer, and can I tell you, here's actually what drove that for me.

--Aaron Smalley-- I'm just sitting here wanting to defend myself. So explain why I brought that up, but I will not.

--John Fuller-- Well, I think we've all been there, frankly. I'm ready.

--Greg Smalley-- had a valid reasons why you brought that up. I'm sure even if it's not a fear, there's probably health stuff that's going on for me. It's going to impact you. Or a mess that's going to, you know, you're going to have to clean up in 10 years or whatever.

--Aaron Smalley-- Letting him know, I am concerned. Circling back with this doctor would be good to do.

--John Fuller-- Yeah. You know, I appreciate what you've said because when you led off the conversation, I thought the first thing you do is you lead with an apology. But you're saying no, start with you. And this is a recurring theme all month long and throughout this podcast, the 19 years we've been doing it, there's this start with me element that's so critical. I'm a words guy, so I like to do words first and then think later.

--Greg Smalley-- Doesn't work out very well.

--John Fuller-- So I appreciate what you've done, what you've modeled for us right here. I appreciate Dave and Ashley and what they did. They're so real and I really appreciate them. If you'd liked what they had to say in that clip from Jim's show, get a copy of their book, Naked and Healthy, Uncover the Lifestyle Your Mind, Body, Spirit, and Marriage Need. We've got details about it in the show notes. We'd ask for a donation, either a one-time gift of any amount or a monthly pledge. Sign up today to be that monthly partner and know that your monthly gifts are helping us make podcasts and articles and videos and be out there in social media meeting people where they're at, all to help marriages become stronger. We want your marriage to become stronger. So donate today, get that book and take some steps toward that.

And then we do have counselors here. If you find yourself thinking, I never win when I point out, maybe there's something bigger going on for you and you need to talk that through. Our caring team of Christian counselors, donor funded essentially, made possible by generous supporters, is available for a call back. They'll figure out a time to give you a call back. They'll listen to what's going on, offer you some steps and guidance and it's a free phone consultation. Take advantage of that when you call 800, A Family or click the link in the notes.

Next time, we'll talk about the needs of military spouses, and that's a really big topic. Hope you can join us then. On behalf of Greg and Aaron and the entire team, I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us today for the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.

--Greg Smalley-- Everything Focus on the Family has to offer, all in one place. Just download the Focus on the Family app. You'll have access to our entire library of resources to help your family thrive in Christ, like Adventures in Odyssey, informative articles, and over a dozen podcasts, as well as free marriage and parenting assessments. Download the Focus on the Family app today for free at your app store or at focusonthefamily.com/app. That's focusonthefamily.com/app.