Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

Announcer: Being a dad is a high calling. As a couple, listen together to a new seasonal podcast from Focus on the Family, *Legacy of Courage*. It shares real stories from dads who have been there, reminders about the power of showing up consistently, the importance of modeling a heart for God, and encouragement to enjoy those funny moments we all experience. Listen together to *Legacy of Courage* at celebratingfathers.com.

Greg Smalley: On our honeymoon in northwest Arkansas, we had this romantic moment in a cabin in the woods of the Ozark Mountains.

Erin Smalley: Every scary movie starts like that.

Greg Smalley: That’s kind of where it went. We were out there during a quiet season; camping was pretty much over since it was late November. The state park we were at was pretty vacant. One night as we were starting to wind down and try to get to sleep, I heard something. It sounded like somebody was at the front door trying to get in.

I went into protect mode. I got up and snuck over to the wall. I was getting ready to bonk whoever was coming through with something. I kept listening and had my gear all ready. Erin was aware something was going on and our hearts were pounding. The noise continued until I flipped the light on. I looked down and there was a mouse. I was crouched ready to protect my new bride against a little itty-bitty mouse.

John Fuller: They can be quite terrifying.

Greg Smalley: I found out that mice like wine, and it became a great fun moment. I was showing up for my wife, and I suppose most wives want a husband who is going to show up in some form or fashion. I’m Greg Smalley, here with my wife Erin and John Fuller. Erin, I don’t know that you need me to protect you from an intruder, but it would be nice.

Erin Smalley: Women long to feel safe both physically and emotionally. Deep inside every woman’s heart, that emotional connection and safety is what most long for. Physical safety matters too. The other night, I woke up at 3:00 AM because I heard a big crash. I didn't know if someone was pounding on the front door or the inner garage door.

I sat up and screamed at Greg that something happened. He didn't even hear it. Both of us were shaking as he walked out, which I so appreciated because I wasn't alone. We walked around and discovered it wasn't a mouse. We have one closet that is loaded with stuff. It was piled all the way to the ceiling, and the very top of it fell over and slammed into the door. We were there together. Sadly, Greg never went back to sleep, but I did because I felt safe and connected.

John Fuller: That is a theme for what we’re about to hear from Focus president Jim Daly. On his show, he spoke with Brant Hansen, a beloved radio broadcaster, author, and speaker. Brant shared about the need that women have to be protected by their husbands.

Brant Hansen: The thing that tipped me off to this is something I talk about at the beginning of my book because I wanted to get guys' attention. The best-selling poster of all time was in every girl’s room in college at the University of Illinois in the late 80s. It’s still the best-selling poster ever. It’s a picture of a guy, and I asked why he was so attractive. It’s not just the guy; it’s the fact that he’s holding a baby.

It’s the way the baby is looking at him. You can tell the baby is vulnerable and is looking to him for protection. That captured every girl’s heart. It indicates something to me. Every time you ask women what the most attractive occupation is, they never say radio host. They say firefighter.

Jim Daly: We’re out, Brant.

Brant Hansen: Me too. But what is really attractive about it? It’s not the reflective pants. Women find it highly attractive when men create secure spaces around them. If guys did this role of "Keeper of the Garden," there wouldn't have been a need for the MeToo movement.

Jim Daly: What is the most terrifying thing that can happen to a man in his lifetime?

Brant Hansen: Looking back and saying I never became who I was supposed to be. That hits with a sledgehammer because it’s resonant for all of us. If I’m never given the picture of what masculinity is, I wind up with all these pieces like a big truck or being good with axe throwing. Those things are fine, but they’re not the heart of it.

A woman’s instinctual respect for a man like this is wild. She’s attracted originally to your muscles because it looks like you’ll be a protector who can provide security. If you don’t provide security, she will resent your muscles. What she’s attracted to is security. You don’t have to look like you belong on a fitness magazine cover. She will find you very attractive if you’re fulfilling this role of "Keeper of the Garden." I tell guys not to do this role just because women think it’s attractive, but it should point you toward what we’re actually for and what we are at our best.

Jim Daly: Generally, you’re saying God put a hole in women's hearts for this kind of connection and for men to step up to that kind of behavior.

Brant Hansen: Women are brilliant and they intuitively know what we are for when we’re at our best. When we abandon that, they will resent it, and they should.

John Fuller: Let’s talk about what’s going on for a guy. The temptation is to say to our wives, "Here’s what I need and here’s how you can motivate me to be the protector I’m meant to be." The problem with that logic is it creates a misplaced responsibility.

Greg Smalley: Erin is not responsible for motivating me to become the protector. That is my responsibility. The true change happens when I embrace that. Erin is my greatest assistant, and there are things she can share with me that help, but it’s not her job to motivate me. It’s my job to understand who God created me to be and how to be the protector He envisioned.

The more I can exercise that protector muscle, the bigger difference it makes. It means I want to notice both the outside threats, like noises in the middle of the night, and spiritual threats. We have an enemy who is going to go after my wife and my family, so how am I praying and protecting against spiritual warfare? I also have to protect from internal threats, including my own baggage and what I’m doing to grow.

I can then invite Erin in. When she points out what she liked or appreciated about what I did, that can be the cherry on top. That’s my identity within God; she’s not the definer of my identity. But when you point things out, Erin, it really helps to strengthen that protector role. At the end of the day, that’s my job to embrace.

The temptation is to train each other that you have needs and you need to express those to her so she can make you feel better. That’s where we get off track. That then makes it her job and I have to hold her accountable for giving me affirmation. That’s for me to own between me and the Lord as the place to begin. Then I can invite my wife into that process.

John Fuller: There is a theme running through this month of friendship, safety, vulnerability, and respect. We trust that you’re finding these shows to be helpful. Leave a comment and share this episode with a friend. For some easy follow-up, we have the entire conversation Jim Daly had with Brant Hansen linked in the episode notes. It’s free, so click the link and listen in to get more great insight from Brant.

You can also get his book when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry today. It’s called *The Men We Need: God's Purpose for the Manly Man, the Avid Indoorsman, or Any Man Willing to Show Up*. Finally, let me share with you about a new digital radio station called Focus Live. It features great Christian music and wisdom for marriage, parenting, and spiritual growth. It’s on the Godcaster app, and we’ll link to it in the show notes.

Next time, we’ll hear from Dr. Henry Cloud about building trust as a couple. For now, on behalf of Greg Smalley and his wife Erin, I’m John Fuller. Thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.

Announcer: Being a dad is a high calling. As a couple, listen together to a new seasonal podcast from Focus on the Family, *Legacy of Courage*. It shares real stories from dads who have been there, reminders about the power of showing up consistently, the importance of modeling a heart for God, and encouragement to enjoy those funny moments we all experience. Listen together to *Legacy of Courage* at celebratingfathers.com.