Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

John Fuller: We are wired to want the praise and affirmation of our spouse more than anybody else's good words. I'm John Fuller, glad to have you along with us, Dr. Aaron Smalley and Dr. Greg Smalley, who lead the marriage department are here and they're going to weigh in after we hear from Dave and Anne Wilson who spoke with Jim Daly about a time when Anne realized that Dave needed a cheerleader, not a chief critic.

Anne Wilson: And I think Dave, I think there were times that he felt like that, that he didn't want to be around me. But I think this can go both ways, but generally I have found and we have found that men aren't quite as verbal about their feelings of what Dave shared. I'm very verbal about mine. I can I'm dissatisfied and I think we need to talk more, but he didn't really express his as much, so I was shocked by it. And I really do think for women we're not trying to hurt our husbands. We're trying to have better families, better marriages, better walks with God.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Yeah, I think her intent was how he opened the show. She wanted to help me and make me better. And she was not trying to hurt harm me, but I tell you I've seen this so often in marriages. I was with four or five of the guys that I do life with. We've been together for 30 years. We're going to one of their dad's funeral. I'm driving a rental car. We're in Memphis, Tennessee. This is way back during this whole journey of our marriage, which is a 10 year so journey. And I say to these guys, you can imagine this, just me and the guys, hey, I got a question for you.

Do you guys, and I know all their wives, I know their kids, I've done their kids weddings. I said, do you guys feel like your wife loves you? Every guy within 5 seconds, yep, yep, yep, yep. I go, I got another question. Do you feel like your wife likes you? Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Every guy.

John Fuller: Well, that makes me feel better.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Yeah. But I was like

Jim Daly: Jean actually said that a few years ago. She goes, I love you. I don't really like you right now. And my response is so funny. I went, how could you not like me? She She goes, yeah, that's the problem.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Yeah. Yeah. That's it. There it is.

Jim Daly: Can you guys relate to that?

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Yes.

Jim Daly: She was right. I mean, you know, she was right. That's the problem.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Right.

Jim Daly: But in that context, I do think In fact, Anne, you you kind of compare this to a house plant and pruning a house plant. Let's use that analogy for those of us that might be a little slow to the pickup here.

Anne Wilson: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I What ended up happening is I asked God. I vented to God first of all. Can you believe that, Lord? Like how terrible is that? And then after the end of that venting session, I said to I prayed after I got home I was by myself on my knees. And I asked God the question, God, do you think I boo Dave?

Dr. Aaron Smalley: I'm downstairs praying at this moment.

Anne Wilson: But I felt in my heart it's that conviction of the Holy Spirit of I felt like he was saying start paying attention to what you think about him and start paying attention to the words that you're saying.

Jim Daly: Wow.

Anne Wilson: And And that was a big revelation for me because I did start keeping track like I am continually negative about him with my thoughts. I think it starts there. And then And I started I realized I'm seeing all the negative in him and I'm not saying the good. And here's what I thought. When I felt like God said, I want you to cheer for him. This is so prideful, but I thought if I cheer for him, he'll think I'm happy and satisfied. And then it will enable him to stay in this kind of not great place, which sounds so messed up.

But that's why I didn't cheer for him. And I also thought everybody's cheering for him. He doesn't need that for me. He thinks he's great anyway, which is another thing that's really messed up. I had no idea the power that I carried as a wife. He needs it from me more than anybody else and I had no idea.

John Fuller: Okay, Greg. So I'm a words of affirmation guy. I kind of get what they're talking about there, but maybe a husband isn't. Maybe he's not looking for the words. I don't need those. Um how can a wife lean in and still encourage and affirm?

Dr. Greg Smalley: What I love about this conversation is we're really isolating encouragement. Encouragement means to make courageous your breathing courage and life into your spouse. So the question is what are the right words? The better question is what's the right language? Because you're right, there are some guys that don't connect with the words of affirmation, like the words. They would rather see that show up in different ways. So all it is is understanding, you know, for me if I'm wanting to encourage Aaron, you know, what does that look like? I know that to encourage her when I show up with a $5 coffee gift card

Dr. Aaron Smalley: That's exactly what I was going to say.

Dr. Greg Smalley: over, you know, saying, hey, you did a great job. Like there's a huge difference. Like we we've been talking about recently she finished her doctorate. She successfully defended her dissertation.

John Fuller: Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Greg Smalley: And I know this about her. So I have collected the coolest stuff for a gift basket.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: And I'm still waiting for it. So I am ready.

Dr. Greg Smalley: And you know, there there there's several items that there are part of it that haven't arrived in it was been massively delayed. And that's been painful for me cuz I've told her how much you know, how proud I am of her. Like I've used all these words and she's like, you know, thank you, but I know that that little not even little, that big gift basket that I have for her will speak volumes.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: They've arrived. They've arrived. When am I going to get it?

Dr. Greg Smalley: When a certain large company actually delivers it instead of just apologizing a lot of Yeah, exactly.

John Fuller: There's been a shortage in a lot of There's been a shortage in a lot of Aaron gifts lately. Sorry. It's just the general economy.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Yes. That's Dr. Aaron.

Dr. Greg Smalley: So I mean, but but that's the point. So that that's it's not what what are the right words for Aaron? It's what what is her language and what really speaks to her? We were eating a meal the other night with all of our kids. So our our son-in-law Jordan, who's married to our daughter Murphy, they cooked all of us this incredible meal that he did. It was so good.

John Fuller: Yeah. Mhm. Mhm.

Dr. Greg Smalley: And here's what I noticed. Everybody was saying, man, Jordan, that was delicious. Oh, thank you. So they were heaping these beautiful words of affirmation upon him. None of it is what he wanted.

John Fuller: He's not an affirmation words guy.

Dr. Greg Smalley: No, what what he wanted was if you really liked it, would you please come help me clean up?

John Fuller: Acts of service. Yes.

Dr. Greg Smalley: And so I So I went over there and and said, hey, I It was delicious, but I can tell that what would speak love to you would be to have me tell you to go sit down, let me do all this. And he was like, you have no idea. And so that that's the point. We're all different.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Yeah. Mhm.

Dr. Greg Smalley: And so don't get hung up on the right words or you know, every time you know, I say we have a good friend who he hates it when you compliment, when you affirm him in any way. But man, you take him out to play pickleball

John Fuller: Mhm. Yeah.

Dr. Greg Smalley: and you've you've melted his heart. So just notice, observe. We We all see it. Like it's not hard to notice that Aaron loves these little gifts and they speak volumes.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Yeah. Or big gifts.

Dr. Greg Smalley: Or big gifts.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: I like both.

Dr. Greg Smalley: Big gift gifts.

John Fuller: You had a gift, man.

Dr. Aaron Smalley: Just give him the basket.

Dr. Greg Smalley: Yeah, so observe.

John Fuller: Yes, observe and and don't say, well, you don't appreciate words of affirmation, so I'm not going to give you anything. Why Why aren't you making a bigger deal about it? Ask. Right. I I thank you. Right. The The goal here is to serve our spouse well and to get off of the critics chair and get into the trenches with them and breathe life as you said, bring courage. So we have a free article in the show notes called How to Stop Complaining and Be an Encouraging Spouse. Uh read it and start cheering for your mate.

The link is in the show notes. And then check out Anne Wilson's book. It's so good. How to speak life to your husband when all you want to do is yell at him. What a title. It's going to help you shift your mindset whether you want to or not. And I 'm pretty sure it'll make a difference in your relationship. We've got the book. Click the link in the show notes. Make a donation as you can, either a monthly gift or a one-time gift. We'll send the book to you. And then of course we have all sorts of other great resources.

Next time Dr. Gary Chapman and Candy McVicker will help those who are struggling with loss. It'll be a tender show and we hope you can join us then. For now, I'm John Fuller. And on behalf of Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Aaron Smalley, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.