Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

Guest (Female): Do you ever feel like your family spends so much time on screens that they are turning into zombies? Well, you are not the only one, and you can fight back by doing a screen fast.

Get a free guide from Plugged In, the tech experts at Focus on the Family. You will get tips on how to do a week-long screen fast for kids of all ages, plus tips for you as a parent. Get the guide at pluggedin.com/screenfast. That is pluggedin.com/screenfast.

John Fuller: When you are making a hard decision and thinking through something really challenging, it is great to know your spouse is with you. I am John Fuller, along with Greg and Erin Smalley, and I am thinking about your doctorate.

John Fuller: Dr. Aaron Smalley, that was not an easy thing at this stage in life to say, I am going to pursue a doctorate. Was Greg with you?

Aaron Smalley: Oh gosh, look at me.

Greg Smalley: [laughs]

John Fuller: Your tears are welcome. That has been a hard, long journey.

Aaron Smalley: We are editing this, right?

John Fuller: No. No, we are not.

Aaron Smalley: I am weeping because it has been such a long journey and I could never have done it without him. So the emotion is saying, thank you.

John Fuller: I mean, you know, I wrote all those papers, I took all those tests. You do not tell anybody. What? Take us back. What was the conversation like because it is not like your life was not already pretty busy.

Aaron Smalley: Yes. We I had prayed for so long to go back to school, but I really did not want to take any resources away from our kids' college. And I did not need a doctorate. I wanted, I dreamt of a doctorate some day. And it happened. And I was offered a scholarship and with Focus's support because they do continuing education dollars, Greg was like, this is a no-brainer. I am like, I do not have time for this.

Aaron Smalley: And three and a half years later, here we are, and it happened.

John Fuller: Well, congratulations, what a journey.

Aaron Smalley: Thank you.

John Fuller: And I think that really sets up what this particular month is all about, teamwork, because

Aaron Smalley: It has been a team effort. That is 1000% true.

John Fuller: Well, sure. And it is not just for big things, you know, lofty things like this. It is sometimes it has got to do with what are the kids about. It has to do with

Aaron Smalley: What are we eating?

John Fuller: Relationships. There are lots of things here. And what I love about what you just did is you affirmed how important it is to have your spouse on the same team as you pursue a goal. And it is not just your goal, it is our goal.

Aaron Smalley: Right. And it is not just at the beginning when you say, yes, do that. It is the long nights, the making meals, cleaning, supporting, editing papers. It is showing up again and again and again.

John Fuller: And you were selfless at some points, not all the time, but you had to just recognize, she is doing this, and I will kind of die to self in a Christ-like way.

Greg Smalley: Well, I had a fantastic model to follow, so Erin did that for the first seven years of our marriage.

Aaron Smalley: Eight. First eight years.

Greg Smalley: Nobody is counting. Okay. So, I still have a long ways to go. No, she did this. And so I literally watched and observed what she did for me that felt amazing. And so it was kind of a cheat code for me to go, okay, I can do exactly what she did for me, right?

John Fuller: So Greg, I mentioned it is not always something as big as a doctorate. What are some other things that tend to stress couples and really require teamwork?

Greg Smalley: I think certainly finances is probably going to be there at the top. You know, deciding, what are we saving for? Are we going to buy this home? You know, we have no money in the bank. Can we afford this? Those kinds of things are incredibly stressful.

Greg Smalley: I think another big one is for couples deciding, do we have children? Do we have more kids? You know, those are huge, huge decisions. All the way around for us, that was such a difficult decision when we talked about our third because Erin had a very serious medical condition that manifested with our first two pregnancies. And so that became a a true life or death decision that we had to really release to the Lord going, God, we are going to trust if you want us to do this, then you will provide.

Greg Smalley: And so that is a big one. Even, you know, in a lot of ways what we were talking about, you know, degrees or or more education, do we change jobs? Those kinds of things are just they are hard because there are so many variables that we do our best to account for and understand, then you get into it. I never thought about that.

Greg Smalley: There are big, stressful conversations that are so important, but if you approach it as we are a team, we will either win together or lose together. Those are the two options. So let us figure this out in a way that feels good to both of us. Like let us win here as a team. I think if that is your mindset, Erin and I are not afraid to tackle any conversation because we know that is true.

John Fuller: That is great to hear and let us turn now to a conversation Jim Daly had with Dr. Randy Schrader who has a really great framework for ways that you can affirm and show up for and be on the same team as your spouse.

Jim Daly: Let us get into the four daily essentials. These are things again, you mentioned early in the book for couples. Take us through the first two of those four essentials.

Dr. Randy Schrader: Well, the four daily essential habits are are essential. They need they need to they need to happen. And what I have seen in troubled relationships, couples stop saying, I love you. And in fact, complacency is the dreaded disease that can really damage a marriage relationship. They become complacent and they do not say, I love you every day.

Dr. Randy Schrader: So the first daily essential habit is whoever or whenever a spouse leaves the home, they need to say, goodbye, I love you. It does not make any difference if they are going to work, they are going to the grocery store, they are going to the hardware store. They say, goodbye, I love you. And then the other spouse needs to return or gets to return. It is not a need to, it is a get to. It is a privilege. I love you, have a good day or drive careful wherever you are going. And I there is a practical rhyme, I will never leave the house without hugging and kissing my spouse and saying, I love you.

Jim Daly: Okay.

Dr. Randy Schrader: And so that is the first essential. The second one is good night, I love you. A lot of couples do not go to bed at the same time, or if they do, you know, one will roll over first to go to sleep. Every night, whoever goes to sleep first will say, good night, I love you. And then the spouse can return good night, I love you. And so there are four I love yous every day, which overcomes that dreaded disease or part of it, of complacency.

Jim Daly: No, that is good. I appreciate that. The third one is really about habits and developing those good habits. And you say the first five minutes of the day, number three comes into play. I am keeping your rhyming going.

Jim Daly: But hit it. What is number?

Dr. Randy Schrader: Good job, good job.

Jim Daly: What is number three? We are rhyming all over the place.

Dr. Randy Schrader: Yeah, the the first five minutes of the day set the tone for the day. Not only for an attitude, but also for a marriage relationship. And so couples need to avoid the Cs. I stress that to parents, I stress that to couples, the correcting, criticizing, complaining, condemning. You know, I have heard thousands of spouses say, you know, I wake up and the first thing I hear is, you forgot to put your coffee cup in the dishwasher last night. You know, it is a criticism.

Dr. Randy Schrader: And so the first five minutes, a spouse does not have to be bubbly joyful, but they need to avoid the Cs, so they begin the day positively. That is a habit that needs to be in place.

Jim Daly: Habit four is how you end the day with your spouse other than, I love you. You call it the two within 20.

Dr. Randy Schrader: Yes, sir. It is spending two minutes together within the first 20 minutes that the last spouse arrives home after work or whatever. And so it does not some spouses like to unwind. They like to go change their clothes, check the mail, do that. So it does not have to be immediate. But at some point in those 20 minutes, they need to reconnect emotionally.

Dr. Randy Schrader: They need to make that eye to eye, heart connection. The eyes are windows to the heart. Couples forget that. They need to look in each other's eyes, spend two minutes checking how the day went for both of them and giving a meaningful hug and kiss. That is a daily essential habit is to give a 10 second hug, 10 second kiss every day. A meaningful hug and kiss happens in those two minutes within the first 20 minutes.

Jim Daly: That seems pretty reasonable, two minutes. I mean if you invest in your marriage.

Dr. Randy Schrader: Yes, sir.

Jim Daly: So. But I am guilty. I do not do that every day. I do it some days and probably need to do it more days. So I like this.

Dr. Randy Schrader: You and I are aligned. All all spouses are imperfect. Even if you are a marriage expert, I do not do it perfectly either, Jim.

Jim Daly: Is not that the truth.

John Fuller: Always great stuff from Dr. Randy Schrader, and for follow-up, get a copy of his book from us here at the ministry. Make a donation as you can, either a monthly pledge or one-time gift, and we will send Simple Habits for Marital Happiness to you, and that will benefit you in your relationship.

John Fuller: And if you are wondering how am I doing in terms of encouraging my spouse, take our free online marriage assessment. Over a million people have taken this. It is maybe 10 minutes of your time, 15 minutes. You invest, and you will have hours of conversation with your spouse about areas that you are doing well in and maybe an area or two of growth as well. The link is in the show notes.

John Fuller: Also in the notes, we will have a link to Godcaster, a new platform for us. We have a music station that you can listen to, great Christian music, and wonderful insights to encourage you in your marriage and parenting and life relationships. Check out Focus Live on the Godcaster app. Next time we will hear about some of the changes that happen when kids come along. And for now, on behalf of Dr. Greg and Dr. Aaron, and the entire team, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.

Guest (Female): Do you ever feel like your family spends so much time on screens that they are turning into zombies? Well, you are not the only one, and you can fight back by doing a screen fast.

Guest (Female): Get a free guide from Plugged In, the tech experts at Focus on the Family. You will get tips on how to do a week-long screen fast for kids of all ages, plus tips for you as a parent. Get the guide at pluggedin.com/screenfast. That is pluggedin.com/screenfast.