Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

Guest (Male): Pastors, if you're struggling to help couples in your church whose marriage is in trouble, we can help. Marriage 911 by Focus on the Family trains laypeople to mentor married couples. Each kit includes two training guides, four workbooks, and all the training necessary to meet with couples who need help. Go to marriage911.com. That's marriage, the numbers 911.com.

John Fuller: Sometimes in business or in sports, there's a falling out between the partners or the teammates and there's no reconciliation. In marriage, if there's a falling out, is there hope? We're going to offer encouragement for you today on the show. I'm John Fuller along with Greg and Erin Smalley, who oversee our focus marriage team. Focus president Jim Daly spoke with Vicky Rose. She and her husband Bill were separated for a while, but they did eventually get back together. Vicky describes some of the things that happened in that process.

Jim Daly: Vicky, at this time you're a single mom. What did that jungle look like for you? You're trying to sort out where do I go? I mean, what was your life like?

Vicky Rose: My life was completely around the kids. I also went back to work a year after we separated at RH Macy and Company as a corporate buyer. The chaos increased because then there was a nanny, we had a dog, and I was running off to work every day with two very young children. Life was very chaotic and I didn't have any idea how to fix that. I just kept running in a sense, kept running to do the next thing.

Jim Daly: Did you feel like the faster you run, maybe you'd fix it by working harder?

Vicky Rose: I don't know if I thought that. I just felt I had to keep it all together. That was really the driving thing for me. Bill was gone and I had these two children and I had to keep it all together for them. That really was my mindset, whatever that took.

Jim Daly: And during this season Vicky, was Bill in your life at all? Or was the separation such that you just lived your life and he was out there and not part of any of it?

Vicky Rose: A little of both. Bill would come one night a week. He'd bring McDonald's for the kids. On that night, I would be attending a 12-step meeting or have dinner with a friend. We didn't have very much connection except when we needed to talk about something regarding the children.

My life was so much about the kids, but also who am I? What am I supposed to be doing now with my life? My husband's gone, we're separated, we're not divorced. My father and stepmother sat me down one evening and said, "We saw Bill at a restaurant with another girl and he's going to have an easy time finding someone, but you're not because you're a woman and you have two children."

That really blew me away. It didn't feel very much like parental support. I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. My brain was circling around and around and around all the time. Am I going to find another husband, somebody to help me raise these kids? How am I going to do this? Because I really didn't know how to raise the children.

Jim Daly: And in that context, what did you turn to for support?

Vicky Rose: A couple of friends decided they'd set me up with a date. I went out and actually my mother-in-law encouraged me to have an affair. She said that would make everything better. So I did and it definitely didn't. I realized at that point that that was definitely not the answer. One of these other dates that someone fixed me up with had lines of cocaine. This was back in the late 80s where people still thought that was a fun thing to do. I started doing that too.

Jim Daly: Vicky, where did the Lord begin to enter into this? Bill's not living with you, you've got two young kids. Did you all of a sudden wake up and say we need more God in our lives?

Vicky Rose: No. The day after we separated, I started attending a 12-step program. Through the process of the steps, it talks about prayer and meditation and having a higher power. So I started to pray. I had grown up in the church so I started to go back to the church even though it wasn't a Bible teaching church.

A year and a half into our separation, I was invited to a dinner party by Mrs. Arthur S. DeMoss in New York City. It was at the Waldorf Astoria. It was a beautiful gold inscribed invitation that arrived. It said Mrs. Arthur DeMoss invites you to meet the Secretary of the Interior and his wife Donald and Barbara Hodel and hear about Christianity in the world today.

In the lower corner of the invitation, it said black tie. Here I am a single mom with not much to do and a friend who worked for Mrs. DeMoss had sent me this invitation. So I accepted. I said I'm going because I can get dressed up and go out and have a fun night.

In fact, I had an amazing night because I heard the gospel presentation that night. God had prepared my heart through working through these 12 steps and prayer. I heard that God loved me and had a plan for my life, but that I was separated from God by what the Bible calls sin. I thought, well, I haven't killed anyone, including my husband who I would have liked to have, but it was explained to me that sin was anything like worry or gossip or fear or envy and I knew I qualified.

God loved me, I was separated from him, but Jesus Christ was God's only provision for man's sin, including mine. His shed blood provided the atonement, the forgiveness for all my sins, and that simply we were offered that we could just receive him. They told us that it says in the Bible, to those who receive him, he gives the right to become children of God. That night at that dinner party with 900 people in the Grand Ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York City, I prayed and asked Jesus Christ to take over my life, to make me the person he created me to be.

John Fuller: Greg, Vicky's story really is a reminder that God can intervene and restore. There are folks that feel like the team is gone, it's broken forever. As we talk about teamwork this month, describe some of the steps and encouragement for couples that feel like I see them way over there and there's just too big of a gap.

Greg Smalley: Often times you hear this, "Why can't we return to the way things were?" And I always want to say good, because you shouldn't. Why would you want that? Look at where you are now. That's not right. The goal is never to return to the way things were. I get the sentiment behind it. There were seasons in our marriage where it felt super connected and that's the longing.

But like in the book of Hosea, as God's talking about how he's pursuing his bride, the children of Israel, he uses this phrase really interesting. He says at one point that I'm going to betroth her, I'm going to betroth her, I'm going to betroth her. He uses that word three times. Saying that we just don't want to return to the way things were, we don't want to go back, we want to go all the way to the beginning. Let's rebuild now.

Let's start afresh. Let's figure out now what do we want? What do we want this marriage to look like and let's start building towards those things? Because even during those older good years, those good moments, there were still though things that you guys were both doing. There were contributing to patterns that formed that ultimately led you to the place that you're at right now.

And so the hope is always boy, God can use what we've been through to teach us about myself, about my spouse, about our marriage, learning things that really need to be repaired, that need to be changed, that we need to grow around. And that's the hope. That we serve a God who's all about growth. Saying whatever's gone on, okay, let's deal with that, but let's keep growing. Let's learn, let's move forward.

And that's the hope. Is that whatever has gone on, sure, there's pain there. God doesn't forget those things. I mean, we're not going to forget those things. I mean, our bodies don't forget some of the pain that's gone on. That's okay. Those are opportunities. Those are opportunities to repair, to lean in when one of those old wounds flares up. Not to say, "Why? I thought we were past this. What does this mean? Are we going back?"

No, it just means hey, here's an opportunity to lean in and to say, "Wow, what's going on for you? I mean, this something's flared up for you. Let's talk about that. You matter to me." And so that's always the hope that a couple can have. If we both want this and we're willing to dig in, do the good hard work with a Christian counselor, keep learning and then keep growing together. Man, what God is going to do in our marriage is spectacular.

John Fuller: I appreciate that so much. Focus has resources. We've got all sorts of great resources to help you start to think differently and behave differently in the marriage and to find hope. So reach out to one of our Christian counselors if you'd like to unpack what's going on, if you want some next steps and maybe even learn about Hope Restored, our marriage intensives. They're a phone call away. It's 800, the letter A, and the word family.

If you're in a good spot and you want a great resource for your bookshelf to have on hand or to share with somebody who might be struggling in their marriage, get a copy of the book from Vicky Rose called Every Reason to Leave and Why We Chose to Stay Together. We have copies of that here at the ministry. Make a donation, either a one-time gift or a monthly pledge if you can, to support the ministry and this show and we'll say thanks for being a part of the support team by sending the book to you. The starting point is our 800 number or click the link in the show notes.

And next time you'll get a framework for how to remind your spouse in a meaningful way that you love them from Dr. Randy Schroeder. For now, on behalf of Greg and Erin and the entire team, thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.

Guest (Male): If you're a pastor wanting to save and strengthen marriages in your congregation, we've got a great tool for you. Marriage 911 by Focus on the Family trains laypeople to mentor couples who may be on the verge of divorce or who want to strengthen what they already have. The kit includes two leader guides, four workbooks, and all the training necessary to meet with and mentor men and women who need help. Visit marriage911.com. That's marriage, the numbers 911.com.