Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

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Well, today we're continuing our theme this month of adaptability in marriage. Certainly, one of the challenges in a blended family is adapting to the new, and I think you'll appreciate so much the insights we have for you today. I'm John Fuller with Greg and Erin Smalley, and they lead the Focus Marriage Department. We're going to turn now to a conversation that Focus president Jim Daly had on his show with Ron Deal, who really is an expert in blended families.

Jim Daly: Let's talk about those uniquenesses right from the get-go. What are those things that make stepfamilies unique compared to traditional families?

Ron Deal: Well, let me give an example. This book is based on a study that Dr. David Olson and I did together using research that he's done for years and years and years. We looked at literally thousands of couples and a relationship profile and examined them to try to understand what predicted health in stepfamily marriages.

The number one thing on the list sounds general and applies to everybody, and that's: do I like you? Do I really like who you are? The qualities and attributes that you bring to the relationship and the marriage. The opposite of that would be you've got some bad habits or things about you that make it hard to love you.

But the absence of those things, I call them the fruits of the Spirit. If you're a person who just exudes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, wow, it is just great to be married to you.

Jim Daly: Or to be your neighbor actually.

Ron Deal: That applies to all marriages. Everybody listening right now who is married or knows somebody who is married or wants to be married, that applies to you.

Here is what was really unique when we got underneath that and took a little deeper look at step-couple marriages. We found that the absence of those things creates a fear that drives the couple further and further apart. If I'm not sure I can trust you, if you are critical, angry, if you've got a quick temper, if you're stubborn, or if you're controlling—we found unhealthy couples in stepfamilies were seven times as controlling as healthy couples in stepfamilies—that creates an environment where I can't trust you.

Jim Daly: That's interesting, Ron. Let me ask you about that because are those some of the antecedents that created the difficulty perhaps even in the first marriage? Now, I want to acknowledge that many stepfamilies are formed through the death of a spouse and other circumstances, biblical circumstances, so we're not just speaking to those who divorce for unbiblical reasons, always with that disclaimer. But as you describe that, that may be really the core problem, how a person behaves.

Ron Deal: I think it's a yes, but. For some, that is who somebody is. They just kind of have a quality about them; they're a little quick-tempered, and that's something that's been a part of their life forever.

What's unique here, Jim, is that sometimes people when they find themselves in a stepfamily situation, the context creates in them things that they would not normally do. For example, I'm thinking of a stepmom who we recently had a conversation with, and she said to me, "Ron, I keep becoming the wicked stepmother. It's not who I normally am, but I'm so frustrated with some of the circumstances that take place with my husband's ex-wife and how we have to deal with her and the frustrations that creates for us that I find myself getting quick-tempered."

Jim Daly: But she's not traditionally that way.

Ron Deal: Right, right. So the context is bringing that out in her, whereas she's not normally that way.

Jim Daly: Well, let me ask you, what does a person do that's in that situation? What is a way to get a hold of that so the better fruit of the Spirit can come out? I mean, we all battle with that, I don't care what stage of life you're in.

Ron Deal: The answer applies to all marriages, not just stepfamily marriages, but I think it's humility. Humility is the thing that allows us to look in the mirror and say, "I need to look at who I am, honestly who I am and how I'm acting, and I need to take responsibility for that."

What we want to do, human nature, is we look at somebody else and we blame them. We look at the circumstances and we blame it. We get frustrated and we just say, "I'm the victim of this," and so we kind of ignore the fact that we're being quick-tempered or we're being critical or being controlling.

Until you have the humility of heart to stop, to really consider "what is this about me that I need to get a handle on?" Jesus put it this way in the Sermon on the Mount: "You fool, stop worrying about the speck in your brother's eye and start dealing with the log in your eye." That is a passage about looking at everybody else and blaming them, or first dealing with yourself before the Lord, then and only then, he says, can you help somebody else deal with a speck.

John Fuller: Well, some good stuff from Ron Deal as always. Greg, let's kind of pull up and talk to all couples, not just those in blended families. What are some best practices that we can implement as a husband and wife to make sure that we stay connected and that we don't drift because of busyness or maybe just cold affections?

Greg Smalley: There's a great verse in the Song of Solomon where it's talking about: guard against the little foxes, these little foxes that will destroy your vineyard of love. I think the temptation as we think about how do we keep our marriage strong is to really try to watch out for the big animals, the bears and the lions and what those would represent for a marriage.

But it's really noticing that often the marriage dies from a thousand little cuts. It's those small things that we didn't really think were that big of a deal that, repeated over time, really damage our marriage. It's a great conversation to have as a couple to say, "Hey, in our unique life together, what are some of those little foxes?"

For Erin and me, we quickly realized that one of those little foxes was that our communication was almost completely centered around administrating our marriage and our family. Business talk. Talking through all those endless details, which we need to discuss, but we quickly realized that little fox of just talking about business really kept us from deepening our knowledge and understanding of each other. We were losing sight of each other. We just became great business partners, and that's not what we wanted. Even asking each other, "Hey, what are maybe some of the little things that are unique to our season of marriage?" I mean, maybe you have really little kids, that's going to look different than when you've been married for more years.

The point is that all of us, I don't care what season of marriage you're in, we all have those little foxes. What are they? For us, we're staring down an empty nest. So what would be a little fox when you think about that? I was looking at my wife going, "Should I really ask her that? Maybe she knows. Maybe you're aware of some. What would be some of the little foxes in our marriage that we need to fight against?"

Erin Smalley: I would say that sometimes after we've worked all day, we have our own ways of decompressing and we kind of do those individually. So it would be easy to come home and you do your thing, I do mine, and we then don't have that connection. I don't know what little fox you would call that—the little fox of individualism.

Greg Smalley: Yeah, another one that I was thinking about was that it's really easy to get into the mode of when we do come home, we're tired. Let's just lay down in bed, watch whatever new streaming thing we're into and do some mindless activity versus, hey, we do have a little fire pit on the balcony, let's go and talk and check in with each other.

I was actually thinking about that tonight, but the one down low, downstairs, because we can make s'mores and I bought some good marshmallows and chocolate to do that. So have that conversation. What you just did is something that we practice sometimes. Dina will after dinner, it's nice out these days, she'll go outside on the patio and after a while, I'm still inside. I'm on a device. "Are you going to be coming outside any time soon?" is the invitation.

John Fuller: Sometimes I just need it because I'm an introvert and I've been talking to people all day, just give me some space. But I'm her husband, I should give her time and I want to. Just be playful about it if you can and set expectations as you just did with her. But that's the little fox for you guys. So that's a good one to brainstorm, so it's us against the little fox.

That's a good question to ask your spouse tonight. What are the little foxes that we need to look at and be aware of? If you want further encouragement in the conversations with your spouse, take our free online marriage assessment, which is phenomenal. It's so good. It gives you immediate results with insights into how you're doing well as a couple and in an area or two of growth. I don't think it uses the word "foxes," but you can look at opportunities to grow as a fox and be aware of that. Take that assessment, it's free. Over a million people have finished that, and we'd love for you to benefit from this. The link is in the notes.

Then make a donation of any amount to support this show and this ministry. Help us keep these podcasts going. When you donate, we'll send Ron Deal's book to you called *The Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in the Blended Family*. It's a terrific resource. Check it out, the link is in the notes.

Finally, we've created a free online music station that you can enjoy. It's great Christian music and parts of Focus on the Family programming, all woven together to encourage you 24/7. It's Focus Live, it's on the Godcaster app, check it out. Next time, Dr. Randy Schroeder explains why it's important to remember your spouse is not a mind reader. For now, on behalf of Greg and Erin Smalley and the entire team, I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.