Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

Guest (Female): Do you ever feel like your family spends so much time on screens that they're turning into zombies? Well, you're not the only one. And you can fight back by doing a screen fast. Get a free guide from Plugged In, the tech experts at Focus on the Family. You'll get tips on how to do a week-long screen fast for kids of all ages, plus tips for you as a parent.

Get the guide at pluggedin.com/screenfast. That's pluggedin.com/screenfast.

Host: Hard times come and circumstances can press you. What do you do as a couple? Well, you have to adapt. And today we'll hear from one couple that has some hope for you.

I'm John Fuller, along with Greg and Aaron Smalley who lead our marriage team, and we're going to hear now a conversation that Focus president Jim Daly had with Jeff and Sarah Walton. They've gone through a number of hard seasons, including physical, emotional, and financial challenges.

Guest (Male): A good concept that you bring up in the book that I totally agree with is this idea of building bridges instead of walls. It's such an obvious illustration, but describe it.

Guest (Male): Yeah, I think from a standpoint of it's very easy to build walls within the marriage. And often those are subtle and before we know it, they're popping up left and right.

Guest (Male): To me it divides between emotion and spirit. Building a wall is emotional response. Building bridges is a spiritual response.

Guest (Male): Yeah. Yeah, that's that's helpful. And so I think when we look at building bridges, uh, we have to continue to rely on the Spirit. I think we have to come and be able to recognize that we can't do this apart from Him.

And so it's that humility that is that struggle that all of us have within our flesh. We want to take control. We want to have our lives look a specific way. But when we are up against the wall and we face suffering, and we see that with Job finally at the end where he comes from the turning point of of hearing to seeing.

Then the the beautiful part of that is the bridge has been built when we continue to not look just at our circumstances and what's across the table with our spouse. But then we're able to have that open communication, that bridge that first needs to start with the Lord and not putting up a wall between myself and Him.

Guest (Male): Yeah.

Guest (Male): So that bridge, once that is built, then we can have the bridge that's better with our our spouse and continue to talk to them and work through these because it's going to be inevitable that we'll continue to go through cycles. And just because we built the bridge doesn't mean that we're back now on the other side still putting up walls with our spouse.

And so I think it's a constant process of continuing to to grow through that and new trials are going to come and we're going to again grieve something that we've lost in the past and continuing to come back to that foundation.

Guest (Female): I'd also say, I think one thing that helps build that bridge is stop seeing our differences as a negative thing. There's so much that I have grown because Jeff is different than me, and vice versa.

Guest (Male): I'm laughing because it's so true.

Guest (Female): It is. I mean, you you naturally at the beginning, like you were saying expectations, you think your way is right. You think your perspective is right. But Jeff and I are very different people. We have a lot of things we enjoy together, but we are very different in many ways at the same time.

And so those things that used to be major contrasting things, as we've gone through these difficulties and we have gradually built those bridges and seen, oh Jeff, it's kind of good that he can hold himself together at times emotionally when I'm falling apart because he kind of helps keep us both afloat during that season where my emotion in helping him express that has been a beneficial thing for us to be able to communicate that together.

So there are so many different parts about us that we have to remember that we're teammates. We are not enemies in this. We are on the same page. And really, if you think about it, you and your spouse are the only ones that can understand just how much you are walking through. It's a gift that you have each other. You're not going to respond to it the same. And that's where we have to realize that's not always a negative thing. We can help gradually come to gather closer as we understand how we both process those things differently and can actually strengthen both of us.

Guest (Male): Yeah. I want to make sure we give, you know, handles to people that are saying, oh my goodness, this is where my marriage is at. This is what we're experiencing to some degree.

Guest (Male): Yeah.

Guest (Male): One of the takeaways that you have in the book is grieving with hope. Describe that.

Guest (Male): Yeah, I think understanding again, it's the expectations that there are going to be different cycles of that within the marriage. Sarah grieves differently than I do. Uh, we process things differently and that's part of again, working through that. It's not all pretty and it's something that by God's grace, we've grown in.

And so when we can grieve our losses and give each other space, I think as we look at the story of Job and his three friends, his closest friends, we look at how they tried to come alongside of him and be a help. And so as we see in chapter three, if you read through the book of Job and then the continuing chapters.

I think the biggest struggle and this kind of we'll come back to the the grieving is that his friends talk about God, but they don't talk to God. And so the wisdom that they're giving is again kind of through their human lens. And they're not doing any help to Job as he's grieving and as he's sitting in his ash heap and it as he just faced loss after loss after loss.

The only thing that they did well was the initial seven days that they sat with him in silence because I think that's super helpful when someone's going through something. They didn't just show up and start saying this is where I think you're wrong. I think you must have sinned because God's disfavor against you, but they really sat with him.

But then after that, we see it kind of spiraling downhill. And so when we can look at our spouse, understand that there are differences that we're going to grieve differently. That I think can give also that space and that freedom to get back towards finding our hope in Christ. And so that process for me, which I think we have a chapter on lament. So simply just put talking to God, you know, and I think that's something that I did not understand well, like that full process of it's just my nature, I think being more more reserved.

Guest (Female): Stoic.

Guest (Male): Stoic and reserved and and just trying to push through things. But we see beautifully Job walk through that process of bringing his pain, his confusion, all of his questions to God. And he even says that, you know, that's kind of the complaining aspect of it in a healthy biblical way.

It doesn't stop there though, because that's what the world does. Worldly lament stops there. Why? The anger, taking it on God, blaming God. But when we can move past that and bring our pain and our hope and remember back to who God is, that's the beauty of Job is we don't get an answer to his question of why. But yet what we come away with is a better understanding of who God is. We see God in chapter like 38 to 40 come to mind of saying, where were you when I created?

Host: Well, Greg, Jeff, and Sarah made mention of Job in the Old Testament. His pain was so incredible. And at the end of the book, he comes to God, and he's very honest and God really blesses him for that transparency. For those who don't know what it means or who have heard this concept of give it all to the Lord, or give your pain to God. What does that look like?

Guest (Male): Yeah, just think about it, analyze what what what that phrase is really saying. I mean, this is God who knows all. This is God who completely sees you as everywhere. Like he already knows every bit of this. So why are we being asked then to give him something that he already fully knows?

And I think therein lies the the discipline and the power. It's when I choose to bring something to the Lord. He he knows it all, but there there's a power in doing that. There's a humility in doing that. There's a recognition that I can't do this all on my own and I'm going to invite God into this process.

Same thing with our spouse the other night. You know, Aaron came home and and I walked right in to see her. Um, and I told her, I said, hey, something's going on for me. I'm just tonight I'm feeling super depressed.

Guest (Male): Hmm.

Guest (Male): And what that did is that required me to to pay attention to how I was feeling but then take the courage to actually go and tell her, to invite her in to this vulnerability. That's risky because I might have said, hey, I don't know what's going on. I'm feeling a little depressed. And then she could have said, okay, first of all, I've been listening to clients all day long.

Guest (Female): I love that.

Guest (Male): This is a thing called compassion fatigue. I don't have anything left.

Guest (Male): This is what she could have, but did not say.

Guest (Male): No, she did not at all. But I'm saying that's the risk. That's the vulnerability.

Guest (Male): Yeah. She might blow you off and then Yeah. Or just say, well, that just shows that you probably have no prayer life. And so why don't you go spend some time with the Lord. Whatever. She didn't do any of that.

Guest (Female): Nor would I.

Guest (Male): Yeah, but it was great. But I'm just saying there that's the power for the individual when when I choose to bring something to the Lord that he already knows, it's more about me being obedient, more about me wanting that connection with him. It's about me wanting to be seen and to be known. And that's a big deal.

And that's the opportunity within marriage. When we take those moments to say, I'm going to bring you this. I'm afraid. I'm not sure quite sure what you're going to do with it, but I'm at a risk and I'm going to be courageous enough to include you in to help bear the burden of whatever it is that I'm going through and that that's a powerful, powerful thing with within our marriage.

Guest (Female): And the gift that we get is that we are no longer alone with whatever we're carrying, whether we're sharing that with our spouse or with the Lord, because we're not created to do life alone. We're created to be connected. And so that is such a gift when we are vulnerable and we take that risk, we're no longer alone. And sometimes that's the hardest part of all of it. And often times we don't recognize it. We're depressed, but we're alone. So wouldn't it be better to be depressed and connected and not alone?

Guest (Male): Yeah.

Guest (Female): I just think it's such a gift. So take the risk.

Guest (Male): And and be aware of the need that your spouse might have, but maybe isn't really expressing clearly. So be a student of your spouse and lean in and offer to to carry the Lord with them.

Guest (Female): Right.

Guest (Male): Because Aaron might have said, hey, as I'm looking at you, you okay? Everything all right?

Guest (Female): Yeah. And when your spouse does take that risk to be vulnerable, meet them there with gentleness and kindness, knowing that they may they may not have the right words. They may not know what's going on.

Guest (Male): Yeah. He's safe.

Guest (Male): Yeah, yeah.

Guest (Female): But that it's vulnerable and it's a risk to step into that shared space and share your heart.

Host: Well, we want you to feel safe in calling us if you don't have somebody to talk through if you're feeling distant from your spouse and you're not sure how to reconnect. Our donor community makes it possible for us to have one of our caring Christian counselors give you a call. They are so very well equipped. They have such great heart, such training. They'll listen to you, they'll find out what's going on. They'll pray with you, they'll offer resources. They'll meet you at your point of need and then help you take some steps forward.

And it's all because we care about you and your relationships in the home. And again, because donors contribute to the work of Focus and make it possible for us to offer that free consultation. Our number is 800, A family. And then we'll have details in the show notes.

And then we have Jeff and Sarah Walton's book called Together Through the Storms, Biblical encouragements for your marriage when life hurts. As you heard, they have great heart and great insights through the experiences they've gone through. Get a copy of this for you or perhaps for somebody you know that is struggling and can use some hope. We've got the book here, make a donation of any amount and we'll send it to you.

Next time we'll hear from Justin and Trisha Davis about how your family of origin influences your marriage today. For now, on behalf of Greg and Aaron Smalley and the entire team, I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us for the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.

Guest (Female): Do you ever feel like your family spends so much time on screens that they're turning into zombies? Well, you're not the only one. And you can fight back by doing a screen fast. Get a free guide from Plugged In, the tech experts at Focus on the Family. You'll get tips on how to do a week-long screen fast for kids of all ages, plus tips for you as a parent.

Get the guide at pluggedin.com/screenfast. That's pluggedin.com/screenfast.