Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast

Guest (Male): Pastors, if you're struggling to help couples in your church whose marriage is in trouble, we can help. Marriage 911 by Focus on the Family trains laypeople to mentor married couples. Each kit includes two training guides, four workbooks, and all the training necessary to meet with couples who need help. Go to marriage911.com. That's marriage, the numbers 911.com.

John Fuller: Well, all month long, we're talking about teamwork in your marriage. We're going to talk today about emotional safety and trust. I'm John Fuller, along with Greg and Erin Smalley. They lead the marriage team here at Focus on the Family.

We want to turn our attention to wives who might feel emotionally safe with their husbands. I hope that's a lot of wives, but Erin, there's something that happens when a wife feels like she can trust him. What is that thing that happens?

Erin Smalley: When a wife or anybody feels safe, it allows their heart to open. Versus when we don't feel safe, we begin putting up protective barriers like walls to protect us, and we feel like we have to be on guard. Versus if a wife feels safe with her husband, her heart's going to be open and then she can extend her heart to him and feel safe to engage with him and work with him as a team.

John Fuller: We have a great example of what this can look like as Jim Daly talked with Josh and Christi Straub. Josh had a bit of an epiphany.

Jim Daly: I think as married couples, we tend to vacillate doing that well at times and doing it not so well at times, moving from me to we. Everything in our flesh is pulling on us to be all about you. Forget the we. The culture does too.

The sin of our flesh, the enemy of our soul, they're all those voices saying, "Hey, this is about you. You're important. Why can't she give a little more to what you need?" and vice versa. But we've got to get to the we page. Describe how you began to move from that me to we.

Christi Straub: I can say I have another vivid memory. We were visiting my family in Canada for Christmas, and Josh looked at me and said, "I just want my wife back." It wasn't until that moment that I really realized I was gone. The me that used to be, even the me in the we we had cultivated before children, was gone.

It was a really pivotal point, and that's where I think I started to cling to that ladder. I had to move up one rung. I could not stay in this place for my marriage. I couldn't stay in this place for my kids or my family. I boil it down to three things, and I'll speak on behalf of myself and maybe women: to be seen, to be known, and to be invited.

That works in community and in marriage, but I think that's one thing that Josh has done really well. We started having conversations where I recognized that he sees me. He sees the dailiness of it. He's off doing these great, exciting things, speaking on marriage and parenting, which is awesome, and coming home to this wife who is in shambles. He said, "I see you and I see what you're sacrificing in our home."

But also, he said, "I know you. I want to know your heart. I want you to tell me those deeper things." That led us into this thing we call fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes saved our marriage.

Josh Straub: That me to we began with listening. It began with seeing and knowing her, but there's a depth there that she couldn't even use words to describe where she was at. For me to jump in and try to fix something or for me to try to figure it out was impossible because she couldn't even describe it.

So, it becomes a journey together of discovery, who we are and how to grow closer to Jesus. We really focus on emotional safety. For me, it was pursuing her heart. I have to guard her heart, therefore I have to pursue it.

We started taking ten to fifteen minutes at the end of every day. After the kids are down, you're so exhausted that you just want to go your separate ways. You might turn Netflix on for that mindless activity, or Facebook or Instagram, whatever it is, or maybe it's going back to work. But we decided to take those minutes and just focus on each other and use feeling words. We're not going to talk about all the things we have going on or about kids, but we're going to focus on feeling words.

John Fuller: I so appreciate Josh and Christi. They are transparent, and I hope that illustration they gave is very helpful. Let's flip the script a little bit here, Greg, and talk about men. Do I need to feel emotionally supported by my wife? What do I need?

Greg Smalley: I think all of us love it when our spouse is empathic, so that's always going to feel good. I think for me, though, the other night I was cleaning out a closet in a guest room that was a total mess. I spent a lot of time, got this all cleaned, and as soon as I was done, my first instinct was to go into the kitchen and walk Erin into the closet so she could inspect my work and tell me I did a great job.

I was looking for affirmation, 100 percent. There's nothing wrong with the emotional connection, but when she validates me, when she affirms me, when she notices what I do and points that out. Because there are even times where I'm doing all kinds of things around the house to show that I love her.

The truth is probably that what most shows her that I love her is when I connect with her emotionally, but it's so nice when she connects that, saying, "Hey, look, you've been doing all these things. Man, you've been really working hard to show me how much you love me. Thank you for that." Even if it's not hitting at the depth of an emotional conversation, there's just something about noticing that, recognizing that, affirming what she sees in who I am as a person and what I'm doing. All that really speaks to my heart.

John Fuller: This feels like a pretty universal need. It's almost like we're still little boys that need some sort of good word. Even as you describe that, I think I did something the other weekend and Deena was all over that with affirmation, that "attaboy" that wasn't that big of a deal, but I guess it kind of was. I drank that in.

So, that's part of the teamwork thing. She wants to know, "Am I safe with you?" and he wants to know, "Are you rooting for me? Are you cheering me on?"

Greg Smalley: The affirmation is the evidence that she feels safe with me. That's how I would read that. My wife wants to be my friend, she feels safe with me, everything is going well because she's taken time to notice and verbalize what she sees that I'm doing.

John Fuller: Well, we have a free article to help you develop teamwork in your marriage. It's online. You'll find practical guidelines for cheering on and being emotionally safe. It's called "The Little Boy Husband" based on what John said. Actually, the link is called something else, but we'll check the show notes to make sure you get there.

The other thing is to get a copy of the book by Greg and Erin. It's called "Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage: 12 Secrets for a Lifelong Romance," filled with all kinds of great insights like you hear on this show every single podcast.

Greg Smalley: That would make for a great podcast, you think?

Erin Smalley: Absolutely, let's do that or something. That really is a good title. If somebody wanted to have engagement with you, if they wanted to listen to you on a show called "Crazy Little Thing," they could do that, right? Listen to our podcast.

John Fuller: How many episodes have you done? We've got 2,000 of this show, and "Crazy" has been going on for what, three years?

Greg Smalley: Yeah, so we're probably about 10 percent of that, maybe closing in on the 200th episode.

John Fuller: Well, if you haven't checked it out, check out "Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage." It's a wonderful podcast. Also in the notes, we'll have a link to Godcaster, a new platform for us. We have a music station that you can listen to, great Christian music and wonderful insights to encourage you in your marriage and parenting and life relationships. Check out "Focus Live" on the Godcaster app.

Next time, we'll hear from Vicky Rose, who offers couples who are barely holding on a little bit of hope. For now, on behalf of Greg and Erin and the entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast.

Guest (Male): Pastors, if you're struggling to help couples in your church whose marriage is in trouble, we can help. Marriage 911 by Focus on the Family trains laypeople to mentor married couples. Each kit includes two training guides, four workbooks, and all the training necessary to meet with couples who need help. Go to marriage911.com. That's marriage, the numbers 911.com.