You’re Not My Dad; I Don’t Have to Do What You Say—Part 1
October 18, 2018
00:00
What would you say if your stepdaughter just declared, “You’re not my dad; I don’t have to do what you say.”?
Recognize that on some level this teenager is telling you about her sadness. Yes, I know, she doesn’t want to clean her room but she also misses her dad. Sometimes kids defy a stepparent because they are hurting. So, respond first with genuine compassion. “You’re right. I’m not your dad and I can tell that you miss him.” This connects to her heart and shows her you’re really not all that bad. In fact, your gentleness just might earn you some respect and obedience. I'll share part two tomorrow.
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Hey stepparents, do you have positional authority or relational authority?
Positional authority is what empowers a babysitter to tell the kids to pick up their toys. Relational authority is what a parent or grandparent has. They have an emotional bond with the child so the child obeys out of love and respect. Stepparents start with positional authority but can move towards relational authority over time. Work with the biological parent to decide rules and consequences but let the biological parent handle the discipline. Work together and play to your strengths.
October 17, 2018
When you establish family traditions, you put down deep roots.
Family traditions can be simple: Friday movie and pizza night or an annual camping trip. But traditions have a profound impact: they create bonds, communicate values, and foster shared experiences and memories. Researches have even found that family rituals and traditions reduce anxiety and depression in teens, and have a protective effect on their well-being. In blended families, repeated fun activities and traditions help to form family bonds and define what it means to be part of this family.
October 16, 2018
For the most part, long-term marriage really pays off.
Why does our culture think that long-term marriages are destined to be unhappy and boring? It might be spill-over from negative rhetoric about marriage in general, but let’s be clear. It’s not true. One of the country’s leading sociologists, Dr. Paul Amato said, “Contrary to what many people think, marital quality does not inevitably decline—it tends to remain high or even improve over the decades.” Marital dedication—it’s good for life.
October 15, 2018
Sometimes stepfamily relationships need a kick in the pants.
Throwing the football or exchanging text messages with your stepchildren is just not cutting it. It may be time for a radical road trip that can break through barriers and deepen relationships all while connecting you to what God really cares about. Every year my family goes to Ghana to work with rescued trafficked children. It bonds us together and it deepens our trust in God. A mission trip for your family won’t be cheap or convenient but it might just be the best therapy your family ever had.
October 12, 2018
Wise new stepparents are like hall monitors. They know what’s going on but they aren’t always a part of it.
Eager stepparents have the best of intentions but sometimes they jump into the middle of a child’s life too quickly. So here is a tip. A stepparent monitors. Monitoring means you check in with them about band practice, ask them about friends, the upcoming math test, and what they want for Christmas. But you don’t step into the child’s personal life, feelings, and concerns until they invite you in. Take a small step before you take a bigger step. You won’t just be the hall monitor forever.
October 11, 2018
Sometimes you build a bridge to your stepchild’s heart by staying away.
Staying away doesn’t make sense unless you know that one of the things kids of stepfamilies commonly miss is time alone with their biological parent. Think about it. Since you came along they have to share their mom or dad with you and perhaps your kids if you have them. So every once in a while give them some time with their parent. They need that and when they see you are not always competing with them for the parent’s time they might just view you as a friend instead of a competitor.
October 10, 2018
Here’s a tip for building a bridge to your stepchild’s heart. Don’t take rejection personally.
Sometimes when a child struggles to accept a stepparent it has more to do with staying in contact with their biological parent than it does necessarily rejection of the stepparent. If you can keep that in mind then maybe you won’t take the rejection so personally. The Apostle Paul spoke lots of truth but lots of people rejected him. What kept him going was feeling his heavenly Father’s approval even when he didn’t have it from those around him. That's a good prescription for stepparents, too.
October 9, 2018
A stepparent recently asked me, “Ron, what do you do with the hot and cold from stepkids? I mean, one minute they love me and the next they want nothing to do with me.”
When a child feels confused about liking you or disloyal about it they back away. So here are some tips for building a bridge to your stepchild’s heart. First, have compassion for how hard this is for them. They’re not trying to manipulate you. They like you are just confused about your relationship. Give them some grace. Second, enjoy it when they are leaning toward you but realize they may go back and forth. Give them time and who knows with patience they might lean towards you more and more.
October 8, 2018
Half of all marriages end in divorce, right? Well, I’ve got good news.
The actual divorce rate is not nearly fifty percent and never has been. Yes, there is a risk of divorce that is real. About one third of couples in the U.S. who at one point tied the knot are divorced today. I should add that the risk of divorce for step couples is higher. But a lot of the negative messages given in our culture about marriage just aren’t true. Here’s the bottom line. Most marriages last forever. And, most couples are happily married. That’s especially true for Christian couples. Yes, there is good news about marriage so be a couple who lives the good news.
October 5, 2018
Don’t let your smartphone turn you into a dummy.
Be a tech-wise family. First, have unplugged family time. No screens or devices at the dinner table, at restaurants, or on vacation. Second, have an entire unplugged day. Sunday is probably a good choice since it's a day of rest, already. Third, set limits to screen time and internet access. For example, parents should charge phones in their room to prevent late night screen time. And finally, love the one you’re with. Practice self-discipline. Don’t let devices control your attention.
October 4, 2018
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.