FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

The Heart Reflects the Man (Proverbs 27)

December 22, 2020

Do you know your heart?

In the Bible Proverbs 27:19 says, “…the heart of man reflects the man.” It’s the heart of a person—their mind, their passions, what they value in life—that makes it clear what someone is really about. Our world judges on the outside but God looks on the heart and so should we. Especially our own heart. We have this uncanny ability to fool ourselves and get so wrapped up in doing we forget to ask what that reveals about our passions and values. So let’s ask, “What does my heart reflect about me?”

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What’s the best thing a father can do for his children? If you believe the old adage, the answer is love their mother because together they provide a healthy environment for their children. Is that also true for stepfathers? Well, in the beginning a stepfather is, in effect, taking the mother away from the kids at least that’s the way it feels to them. But eventually, when the family has had time to bond and connect, the answer is yes. A loving marriage at first puts the kids in a jam, but eventually becomes the glue that holds the family together.
December 21, 2020
Healthy co-parenting is hard. So, is it worth all the hard work? Co-parenting is increasingly common these days. When we get it right, there are a lot of benefits. It reduces loyalty conflicts in children. It decreases resentment between homes, making it emotionally safer for kids to move back and forth. It improves the psychological well-being of children. It fosters cooperative parenting, which means kids can’t play one home against the other. And it reduces stress in a couple’s relationship, strengthening their marriage. I’d say it’s well worth it.
December 18, 2020
How do you prevent divorce in the next generation? You do that by preventing divorce in their parents. Children of divorce are less confident about the idea of marriage, often choose cohabitation over marriage, and are themselves 89% more likely to divorce when they get married. What do you do for kids who have already experienced divorce? Give them a healthy marriage model. You prevent divorce in the next generation by preventing redivorce in this generation. Healthy stepcouples lead by example which is reparative and that breaks the cycle.
December 17, 2020
Diligence secures a reward. Proverbs 27 says, “Whoever tends a fig tree, will eat its fruit.” Apparently, faithful diligence brings reward. Now, that’s a speech we want to tell our kids before they go to college. And, one we need to give ourselves when we have a prodigal child. Or are looking for a job or struggling with a bad habit. In faithfulness, keep tending to the tree—the relationship or situation—season after season. It may not bring quick reward or bear the exact fruit you want, but reward it likely will bring.
December 16, 2020
Never let your parenting be held hostage.  Single parents and stepfamily parents know that their parenting is affected by how the other home parents. If they say, “Yes” to something you said, “No” to, you start rethinking your decisions. The fear of what an ex might do can paralyze you. Pray for courage to press in despite what the other home is doing. Keep your balance and practice good parenting. Trust that providing consistent boundaries and love over time will make all the difference.
December 15, 2020
Are you standing up…for the kid right next to you? We’ll fly around the world to aid children suffering from war or poverty, but we'll do nothing when it’s a kid across the street. Rarely will Christians speak up for someone else’s child caught in ongoing battles between their homes. We don’t want to “get into their business” but we should do something. Respectfully, but assertively ask a parent who bad-mouths the other home and puts their child in the middle as a spy to stop. If it’s about a child, it’s not just “their business,” it’s ours.
December 14, 2020
If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid. A new marriage does not restore the original family, it forms a different family. It doesn’t give back to your kids a missing parent; it gives them a “stepparent” and a parenting team that is very different than the biological family system they were born into. Don’t get me wrong, a stepfamily may work well for your kids but don’t decide to marry based on a myth. Blended families are not “repaired” first families; they are different families with their own dynamics, challenges, and rewards.
December 11, 2020
Patient investing, over a long period of time, usually pays off big! Proverbs 21 says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." Good planning and hard work lead to a profit but shortcuts risk everything. This principle applies to more than just money. Think about the diligence it takes to finish school or build a career. Healthy friendships and family relationships take dedication, too. Blended families, especially, require good planning, hard work, and patience. Those that do that reap a big payoff.
December 10, 2020
Yeah, parental unity is a really good idea. But can co-parents, living in two different homes, find parental unity? Yes, but it’s uncommon. Co-parents rarely coordinate their parenting styles, but when they can keep their expectations and discipline strategies in line, children benefit from the consistent boundaries and can’t play one home off the other. So, parents, how do you get there? Read the same parenting book, attend the same class, and if necessary, have a parent coordinator help you get on the same page. It’ll take some work, but when you find agreement, it’s a huge blessing for your child.
December 9, 2020
If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid.  This myth believes children raised in single-parent homes have deficits that will be erased if they are instead raised in a two-parent stepfamily home. Well, actually the research is clear: Children raised in single-parent homes do just as well as kids raised in stepfamily homes. So, when it comes to the well-being of your children, it’s okay to stay single. If you meet someone who is a good fit for you and your kids, great. If you don’t, great. Either way God will provide.
December 8, 2020
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Receive our monthly Strengthening Stepfamilies newsletter as well as the occasional email updating you on stepfamily events and resources.

About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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