The Cowardly Co-Parent (Proverbs 12)
November 7, 2018
00:00
Parents are lying to their kids…for personal gain. And, it’s got to stop.
I’ve worked with divorced parents for over two decades and it drives me crazy when a parent is lying to their child about the other home. Often it's a selfish motivation--money, custody, or winning the favor of the child--and all it takes is blaming the other parent or skewing the story to make yourself look good. It’s all a cowardly lie. Proverbs 12 declares that truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment. Eventually your kids are going to figure it out and then what?
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Parents need to be reminded: Kids don’t think like us.
Kids don’t always see it the way we do. Like at the end of a hard day, you want peace and quiet, but they want to play and be with you! Kids don’t always see co-parenting the way you do either. You want a 50/50 visitation time because that’s fair. But kids don’t keep track of time. They want to love and have reliable, predictable contact with both parents. Or you think your former spouse is a crazy loon. Your kids don’t care. Be a parent and think like a parent, but let your kids be kids.
November 6, 2018
So, what’s the moral of that story?
Writing for Forbes.com, one personal finance contributor noted that about half of his firms disputed probate, estate, and trust cases were between a stepmother and her stepchildren. The writer said distrust was a common factor in the disputes. Say the father died, the children didn’t trust their stepmother to manage the estate if she hadn’t been married very long or if she favored her kids financially. What’s the moral of that story? Close relationships and trust are your most valuable assets.
November 5, 2018
I’m not sure you want to do this, but if you want to push a friend or family member away, just lie to them.
Lying, breaking a promise, or deceiving someone—yeah, those are all good ways of destroying trust and adding distance to a relationship. Proverbs 12:22 tells us that “the Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who are truthful.” We hurt our relationship with God when we’re dishonest and we hurt earthly relationships, too. Many marriages and families are ripped apart by lies. I know the truth is very hard to say sometimes but telling the truth is always less harmful that a lie.
November 2, 2018
Good parenting is in part about managing your children. But often more about managing yourself.
Hector’s daughter pushed his buttons. She was direct and assertive. All of which made him overreact to the point of crushing her spirit. Yes, parenting is about strategies, but it's also about managing what goes on inside us. Hector figured out that assertiveness threatened him. Overreacting didn’t work out with his ex wife and if he didn’t want the same result with his daughter, he needed to change his response. Hey, if you can’t manage yourself what makes you think you can manage your kids?
November 1, 2018
One sure sign of a mature person: grace under fire.
How someone responds to an insult tells you about their maturity. Proverbs 12:16 clearly distinguishes fools, who are quickly annoyed by insults and the wise who calmly overlook an insult. We’re all challenged by this passage, but let me speak to stepparents. When a stepchild criticizes how you care for them or your spouse’s ex calls you a dirty name it is grace under fire that wins the day. Without a doubt, insults hurt, but in Christ you can stay calm, rise above, and respond in love.
October 31, 2018
Do children keep a marriage together?
Single people assume having a child brings and keeps couples together. One woman said, “Better than a wedding certificate, we have an amazing daughter who will bind us together…till death do us part.” This is part of a confusing cultural double-message that says you don’t need marriage to have a baby, but you can rely on that baby to remain coupled. This is not true. A strong couple relationship requires dedication to each other, not a child. And, strong parenting flows from a strong marriage.
October 30, 2018
Are you sure you want to post that?
Parents, help your kids learn what to post and what not to post. Here are some filters to share. Filter 1: Is this “corrupt talk” or “helpful for building others up” talk? This one puts Ephesians 4:29 into action. Don’t say negative things about people, just encourage. Filter 2: Would this give a future employer a reason not to hire me? Why get yourself fired before you even get hired? And Filter 4: Am I chasing affirmation? Don’t post for the applause of men. Rest in the affirmation of heaven.
October 29, 2018
Have you ever felt caught between two people you love? Stuck between a rock and a hard place?
Children in blended families really don’t like having to choose between family members but they often feel like they have to. I think it’s up to the adults to untie the loyalty knots that kids find themselves in. Give your kids permission to enjoy themselves in the other home. A mom might say, “Hey, have a great time at your stepmom’s house this weekend.” When she says that it really liberates her child’s heart. To untie the loyalty knots for kids is to set them free to love.
October 26, 2018
Do you know what the difference is between couples who get through rough times and those who don’t?
Discouragement in marriage motivates a dedicated person to keep working on their marriage. The person who stays stuck looks back and wonders if they made a mistake. Look, you didn’t know what you didn’t know and what you didn’t know doesn’t really matter anymore because you made a commitment and commitment expresses itself in the present and the future. If your marriage is struggling ask God for help and seek out someone to provide direction and support but don’t look back. Keep looking forward.
October 25, 2018
When two elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers.
Kids of divorce have a few bumps and bruises but they can fare reasonably well long term if their parents put aside their differences and cooperate as co-parents. The alternative is for parents to argue and fight. The more they do the more wounded their kids become. Co-Parenting is not about you. It’s about what is best for your kids. For you to manage it well you may have to keep forgiving and set aside what you think is fair for you. For their sake you can do this. You have to do this.
October 24, 2018
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.