FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

The Best Solution

April 29, 2020

I think the best solution is divorce.

 

This wife and mother was frustrated. Her husband never followed through on discipline and he treated her poorly so divorce in her mind was the best solution. I agree, things need to change, but would your absence make him a better father or stop his negativity? The way to increase your influence in his life is to stay near him; leaving decreases your influence and you have less parental power to help your kids. A healthy marriage is the best solution to your problem. Get help and don’t give up.

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In your relationship conflict, who is the bad guy?   Most of us when we tell a story about an argument we had, we talk about what the other person said and did, as if we contributed nothing to the exchange. Convenient, huh. Blame them and absolve ourselves of any responsibility. Now here’s a thought. Ask yourself, “What’s my part? How did I contribute to them acting the way they did? And what should I do differently next time?” Sure you need to share the blame, but more importantly, you need to know what you can do to make things better.
April 28, 2020
Ron, any advice would be greatly appreciated.   We love listener feedback but sometimes we get asked about an impossible situation. Like the dad, who because of an uncooperative ex-wife, was forced to ask the courts for help. This toll of this put his daughter in a mental health unit. Two years later he still can’t see his daughter. He’s stuck and no matter what he does his daughter loses. Hopefully a local therapist or pastor can help him sort this out, but families like this need prayer. Impossible situations need the God of the impossible.
April 27, 2020
Discipline and a stern lecture are only for the young, right? Well…   Adults would like to think that discipline is just for kids but that would be the mouth of a fool talking. Proverbs 15 says a person who ignores discipline despises himself. One version says, “…hates themselves.” Talk about self-defeating. But a humble person listens to life-giving correction so they gain understanding and wisdom. Yes, the delivery matters but discipline is for everyone. And we should all have a mentor who will deliver it. The question is: are we humble enough to receive it?
April 24, 2020
When a relationship feels fragile, it’s tempting to stop speaking the truth.   New friendships, new marriages, and new stepfamilies are all tempted to avoid saying the hard thing. The relationship feels fragile and you’re not sure if it’s strong enough to handle the truth. Scripture, in Ephesians 4 says we should put off falsehood and speak truth. We can even be angry, but do so without sin, managing the anger so that it doesn’t corrupt the conversation. In your home instead of walking on eggshells, share your thoughts and feelings in a healthy, collaborative manner.
April 23, 2020
Okay, if you have any relationships, anybody you care about, I want to give you a principle that will strengthen those relationships. Are you listening?   No, I mean, are you listening? Listening empathetically? Stepmom Sara needs her kitchen to be clean. Stepdaughter Kari wants to bake a gift for Sara. When she saw the mess, Sara laid into Kari. Her need for cleanliness was getting in the way of hearing Kari’s need to be accepted by her stepmom. She wasn’t listening empathetically; she was just listening pathetically. She should have ignored the mess for a while and just thanked Kari. Don’t listen pathetically. Listen for their need and love.
April 22, 2020
Compared to other siblings stepsiblings have less conflict. That may not be as good as it sounds.   Parents, we all expect a little sibling conflict but mostly we want our kids to get along. Parents in stepfamilies want peace as well but they also take peace as a sign that the kids are accepting each other. Here’s what’s ironic, stepsiblings may be less negative because they feel less like family. In other words, feeling safe and connected frees siblings to be more negative. That means the more bonded stepsiblings are over time the more conflict you can expect, right?
April 21, 2020
Really good parents—give each other advice.   To be a good team, when you make an observation that could be helpful, share it. Not in a condemning fashion but in a constructive way. This might be delicate but healthy parents give each other permission to speak gently into one another’s lives so they can raise godly kids. Here’s the trap for stepfamily couples to avoid: to the biological parent advice can feel like criticism of their child and to the stepparent it can feel like rejection or distrust. Don’t get defensive. Help each other.
April 20, 2020
Laughter is contagious, right? Well, so is a smile.   If someone stops smiling you instantly know something is bothering them, right? If the absence of a smile casts a shadow, a genuine smile on someone’s face can light up a room. Proverbs 15 says, “A cheerful look brings joy to the heart.” A co-worker's smile says, “I’m glad you’re part of the team.” From a spouse: “I value you in my life.” From a parent: “I approve of who you are.” And from a stepparent: “I enjoy you and I’m glad we’re family.” Go ahead. Share a smile and see what joy it brings.
April 17, 2020
Have you ever met a rich person who was miserable?   It’s a sad day when the rich realize that money doesn’t buy happiness. Who are the rich?  Well, by the world’s standards you and I are rich but are we content? Proverbs 15 speaks to this: it’s better to have a little and trust the Lord than have a lot and live in turmoil. It’s better to have a simple meal in a loving home than a feast with hatred served on the side. What’s the lesson? Rather than chasing material things, seek first the kingdom of God and be rich in love.
April 16, 2020
Should dating and engaged couples talk about money?   Imagine a couple who has dated a while. She thinks he’s going to pop the question. He says, “When I look into your eyes I see our future’s merging together.” She says, “Yessss…” “So I was wondering, would you outline all of your debts and assets, show me your credit report, and sign this prenuptial agreement?” Ohhh, man, that hurts. And yet, at some point, dating couples—especially dating single parents—need to explore these issues. Go online for a free list of questions to help get you started.
April 15, 2020
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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