Stepparent Tip 2: Depersonalize Rejection
October 9, 2018
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Here’s a tip for building a bridge to your stepchild’s heart. Don’t take rejection personally.
Sometimes when a child struggles to accept a stepparent it has more to do with staying in contact with their biological parent than it does necessarily rejection of the stepparent. If you can keep that in mind then maybe you won’t take the rejection so personally. The Apostle Paul spoke lots of truth but lots of people rejected him. What kept him going was feeling his heavenly Father’s approval even when he didn’t have it from those around him. That's a good prescription for stepparents, too.
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A stepparent recently asked me, “Ron, what do you do with the hot and cold from stepkids? I mean, one minute they love me and the next they want nothing to do with me.”
When a child feels confused about liking you or disloyal about it they back away. So here are some tips for building a bridge to your stepchild’s heart. First, have compassion for how hard this is for them. They’re not trying to manipulate you. They like you are just confused about your relationship. Give them some grace. Second, enjoy it when they are leaning toward you but realize they may go back and forth. Give them time and who knows with patience they might lean towards you more and more.
October 8, 2018
Half of all marriages end in divorce, right? Well, I’ve got good news.
The actual divorce rate is not nearly fifty percent and never has been. Yes, there is a risk of divorce that is real. About one third of couples in the U.S. who at one point tied the knot are divorced today. I should add that the risk of divorce for step couples is higher. But a lot of the negative messages given in our culture about marriage just aren’t true. Here’s the bottom line. Most marriages last forever. And, most couples are happily married. That’s especially true for Christian couples. Yes, there is good news about marriage so be a couple who lives the good news.
October 5, 2018
Don’t let your smartphone turn you into a dummy.
Be a tech-wise family. First, have unplugged family time. No screens or devices at the dinner table, at restaurants, or on vacation. Second, have an entire unplugged day. Sunday is probably a good choice since it's a day of rest, already. Third, set limits to screen time and internet access. For example, parents should charge phones in their room to prevent late night screen time. And finally, love the one you’re with. Practice self-discipline. Don’t let devices control your attention.
October 4, 2018
Have you ever been left out of the family portrait?
Steve and Joanne married and blended a family of five kids. When they bought a home, Joanne included some pictures of her stepdaughter’s deceased mother when she decorated. But Joanne didn’t get equal consideration from her stepdaughter, Mary, when she was decorating her apartment. Ouch. Why is Joanne hurt? Because she wants her blended family to blend. But to her credit, she’s also patient with her stepdaughter because she knows becoming family, sometimes, is harder for some than others.
October 3, 2018
Yeah, that’s right. 20 first dates!
John Townsend and Henry Cloud, authors of Boundaries, gave advice to Steve, a friend of mine. Get acquainted with 20 different women before beginning to date any of them. Why twenty? There’s not anything special about the number of people but the approach made Steve slow down and stay objective: he’d have to regulate his desire and his pain and not let either make the decisions for him. No, this strategy is not for everyone. But staying objective and managing yourself is.
October 2, 2018
Every church…is a prison ministry.
Jesus proclaimed good news to the poor, freedom for prisoners, and sight for the blind. That good news means that churches today should be full of ex-convicts (figuratively and literally), people who were spiritually blind to their own sin, and those pushed down by society. “Well, that’s just great; Ron, but I don’t want them in my church.” It’s funny how we draw lines of who’s acceptable and who’s not. Which families fit and which don’t. But, then, anyone making those judgments is still blind.
October 1, 2018
As parents, when you find yourselves on different sides of an issue, it’s really important that you come together.
One way you come together is to hold your criticism and listen. Adam was looking forward to his kids coming for the weekend, but his wife; Monica, their stepmother, was concerned about the tension she might face. Instead of criticizing her for being pessimistic, Adam learned to listen and connect to her need. “I can tell you’re anxious about the weekend,” he said. “What can we do for things to go a little more smoothly for you?” Now they have a chance to come together and everybody wins.
September 28, 2018
In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught us to seek forgiveness for our debts but even then, do you sometimes feel indebted?
Recently, a newly remarried couple poured out their heart to me. Even though it was the sin of their previous spouses that caused their divorces, they still felt dirty before the Lord. Shame is really hard to shake sometimes. When you get stuck there pray this prayer: “Lord, may we feel the warmth of your love and acceptance. If we feel shame for past sin, let it be washed away by your grace. Let us stand confidently in your mercy, not feeling second-class or unworthy, but forgiven.”
September 27, 2018
Ok, recording starts in 3…2…1.
It’s tough to get your kids to answer questions, sometimes. You ask them about their day, their friends, and you hear “Fine,” “Okay,” “Nothing.” Try an indirect approach. Don’t ask questions because then it’s obvious you want them to open up. Instead make statements that end with a period and then wait in silence. Or use your smartphone to interview them. The illusion of an audience changes the dynamic. Kids have something to say; we just have to find ways to let them say it.
September 26, 2018
To be welcomed is such a blessing.
Both Robbie and Sabrina had been widowed and their former in-laws had gone out of their way to welcome the new spouse in their new blended family. Now, these parents had lost an adult child and this new person was going to be the stepparent to their grandchildren, but still they went out of their way to include them and affirm their place in the family. Wow. When extended family opens the door of their heart it’s a heavy dose of grace for the entire blended family.
September 25, 2018
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.