FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Rules Without Relationship

December 6, 2018

The old adage is true: Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.

 

Where does that leave a foster parent, an adoptive parent, or stepparent? You can have authority without a bonded relationship. But it has limits. A police officer can pull you over, a boss or coach or a teacher can tell you what to do, but people don’t obey these authorities out of love. That’s why it’s critical a new stepparent know their limits. Focus on bonding with kids and work with the biological parent on setting the household rules. Stand together and you can enforce those rules.

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Are you dancing the dance of want?   Remember getting a crush on someone, but you didn’t know if they were also interested so you acted coy and tried to find out if they wanted to be wanted by you. That’s the dance of want. The first date was great and you hoped for another, but do they? After dating for months, you’re thinking of marriage, but are they? This dance can make you insecure and withhold yourself. But that gets you nowhere. Love first. Give first. Sacrifice first. Live out of your want first.
December 5, 2018
No one likes to get caught in someone else’s conflict.   What if you’re at dinner with two friends and they start arguing and try to get you to take their side. You likely feel threatened. Anxious. Stuck in the middle. And to cope you might distance yourself to find safety or try to fix the situation. Now, parents and co-parents, no matter their age—that’s exactly how your children feel when you argue. Oh, and they lose respect for you, too. Contain your conflict and keep your kids out of the middle.
December 4, 2018
Doing good…is always good.   In Luke 6 Jesus heals a man’s hand on the Sabbath. Now over the years the Pharisees had created an exhaustive list of rules to define how much “work” you could do on the Sabbath. Jesus broke the rules. Essentially, they valued the list more than doing good for others and we can do the same thing. Our rules dictate appropriate dress at church, what Bible version you use, and who we let serve. We serve the rules rather than people. Let’s be like Christ. Like he said, it’s always lawful to do good.
December 3, 2018
Mom…Dad…are you holding your kids hostage?   Did you hear about the pastor whose sermon was disrupted by a would-be robber who held a gun to a woman’s head? He tackled and disarmed him. Well, a lot of Christian co-parents are holding their own kids hostage. Parents when you keep the kids at your house an extra hour or speak poorly about the other home or fail to pay your part of a bill—you are emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually holding your kids hostage. Look, this is not about you. Put the gun down and let the hostage go.
November 30, 2018
Hey Ron, what’s the best way to tell my kids I’m getting married?   What you’re really asking is, “How do I announce an engagement and ensure my kids will be happy about it?” Ah, how to sum up the entire book Dating and the Single Parent. Well, you can't guarantee their happiness. Whether young or old, how children react is up to them. What you can do is be calm and matter of fact. Tell them when, where, how, and what it means for them. Then listen to their response. Most importantly, reassure them you still love and are committed to them and always will be.  
November 29, 2018
You know, sometimes members of a stepfamily are confused about what to call each other.   When you marry into a family you have to figure out what to call extended family members. Sometimes you call your mother-in-law Mom, and sometimes you don’t. Well, the same is true for blended families. The trick is figuring it out together. Ask things like, “How would you like to be introduced in public or with friends?” And, “At home, what term is most comfortable for you?” These questions will help you honor one another’s preferences which ultimately makes you feel more like family.
November 28, 2018
He who has authority to heal, has authority to rule.   Do you remember the story in Luke 5 about the guy who was paralyzed and Jesus said, “Your sins are forgiven,” and the critical Pharisees said, “Who can forgive sins but God?” So Jesus proved he could forgive by healing him and the man walked. Well, the witnesses glorified God and we are reminded that he who has the authority to heal and to forgive sin also has the authority of Lord. We often run to Jesus when we need healing or forgiveness. Don’t forget to give him authority over your life.
November 27, 2018
No, don’t assume. Ask the stepmom.   Being a stepmom is different from being a Mom. So I tell stepmoms, slow your roll and adjust your expectations. But dads need to adjust their expectations, too. If a dad assumes his kids will embrace her as Mom, he expects too much and that leads to conflict. So dad, cherish her as your wife and give her Mom-like respect in front of your kids. Ask her if she’s comfortable with a particular role or parenting task. Don’t assume and play to her strengths so everyone wins.
November 26, 2018
Yeah, kids are sometimes hesitant to warm up to their stepparent. But what do you do when it’s the stepparent who won’t warm up?   Lisa’s new husband went from open and engaging with her 21-year-old to standoffish and uninterested leaving everyone feeling uncomfortable. It’s hard to guess what’s holding your husband back. Maybe he feels guilty being close to your daughter when his own daughter lives far away. I’m not sure. But the wisdom here is to be full of grace, not condemnation. Be patient or he’ll never explain and you’ll never learn what will open him up. Hopefully, eventually, he’ll reach out to your daughter.
November 23, 2018
Thanksgiving! No, I mean, thanks for giving.   Did you know there’s a cycle of gratitude? When you’re grateful for all God has done it changes how you act towards others. A little of your thankfulness can’t help but spill over to others. Then as 2 Corinthians 9 tells us, your generosity results in them giving thanks to God. Men will “praise God” because of your obedience and the grace of God evident within you. So, your thankfulness to God produces kindness toward others which produces in them gratitude towards God. Nice. Happy Thanksgiving!
November 22, 2018
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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