My Most Frustrating Question
May 30, 2017
00:00
Have you ever tried to talk someone into loving you?
When two people marry and form a blended family they hope their children and extended family will become family. But what if a family member refuses to embrace the family? Now, that question frustrates me because I don’t have a good answer. How do you make someone love you who won’t? What you can do is pursue but don’t badger. Take what they give you and build on it. And, don't beat yourself up. Stay as close as they’ll allow you, and pray diligently while you wait for them to turn around.
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“Now, I expect you to be courteous.”
Have you ever given that speech when you left your kids with a babysitter and you wanted them to mind their manners? When kids enter an adoptive family, a foster family, or a blended family their expectations of who’s in charge may be different than the adult’s. It’s really important to settle that question. In a stepfamily, the biological parent can set the tone. “I expect you to be courteous and respect your stepparent just like you would any authority figure.” Yeah, that ought to do it.
May 29, 2017
“I just don’t feel like his partner,” that’s what Barbara told me. David controlled all the money. She didn’t even know how much they had.
Sometimes when couples fight about money, they're really fighting about power and control. Barbara really needs her husband to trust her and see her as his partner. Without that she’s likely not going to feel good about any financial decision. If life has already beaten her up a bit the insecurity she feels about money is going to affect every aspect of her marriage. That’s a withdrawal their marital bank account can’t afford. To strengthen your marriage, learn about stepfamily money.
May 26, 2017
What’s the difference between what the Bible calls a “mocker” and a wise person, and which are you?
A mocker scoffs at others and is contemptuous. When offered wise counsel they reject it and get defensive. But offer correction or guidance to a wise man, they add to their learning and appreciate what you gave them. A humble heart respects God, receives His wisdom, and seeks more of it. According to Proverbs 9, the wise gain great reward and blessing in life for having received God’s wisdom. The mocker? They suffer alone. So, which one are you? I bet your family hopes you are the wise one.
May 25, 2017
Ron, will God bless my marriage?
Sandra remarried after her first husband left her and the kids. Her guilt haunted her; she thought she needed to divorce her second husband to get right with God. I assured her another divorce was not what God wanted. In Deuteronomy 24 he strictly forbids divorcing a second spouse to reconcile with the first. Her sense of shame made her question if she could ask God to bless her current marriage. “Absolutely you can,” I said. “God doesn’t withhold grace as a punishment. What’s forgiven is gone.”
May 24, 2017
I’m pro-hospital. Aren’t you?
Ron, aren’t you and FamilyLife Blended condoning divorce? No. Not all stepfamilies come from divorce. It’s funny, people don’t accuse orphan care ministries of condoning premarital sex; they don’t think celebrate recovery condones addiction; and they don’t think presenting the gospel condones sin. Most churches believe you can be pro-hospital without being pro-illness, right? After all, the church is a hospital for sinners. We’re calling blended families to embrace grace from this point forward.
May 23, 2017
Okay, are you a stepparent or a bonus parent?
Author and stepdad Steve Arterburn says,“When you demand love and respect from stepkids, you make them feel like they are betraying their biological parent so don’t demand that of them. Let love develop on its own terms.” Also, if neither biological parent enjoys sports, or hunting, or music, or sharing funny YouTube videos step in to that space. Make it your own. Bring something new and different to their lives. And, finally, share fun experiences and create memories that are unique to you.
May 22, 2017
To those serving us, we want to serve.
As we celebrate Armed Forces Day, be mindful of our military personnel in blended families who not only take great risk but face unique family challenges: increased stress when biological parents are deployed and stepparents are left by themselves; increased anxiety when lots of relocations move parents away from their kids, increased tension when the demands of military life make family bonding difficult. To the brave men and women of our armed forces, we see your sacrifice and we pray for you.
May 19, 2017
Don’t you want this marriage to be your last?
For years there’s been research on what makes for healthy first marriages. Now we know what makes for a lasting blended family marriage. Compared to happy stepfamily couples, those who are unhappy are 3 times more controlling, 6 times more critical, and 9 times more stubborn. Contrast that to happy couples who demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit outlined in Galatians 5. They are more patient, kind, and gentle. So, letting God’s Spirit live through you is the first step to a marriage that lasts.
May 18, 2017
It’s time for the extended summer sleepover and if you’re a stepparent, you might feel in some ways like you’re starting over.
Stepparent-stepchild relationships do take “one step backward” if you’ve had little time together through the school year. The extended summer visitation can be a little intimidating. So, take a deep breath and start with what you have. Be sure to listen to their pace. If they pursue time with you, then give it. If they keep their distance and need time to warm up you need to honor that. Find simple ways of connecting, but don’t force yourself on them. With time the summer fun can begin.
May 17, 2017
When forgiveness is difficult to do…chop it up.
The Bible calls us to forgive. Sometimes a person is willing to forgive but doesn’t practically know how to, especially if the offense feels like climbing Mt. Everest. When that’s the case, make a list of the individual aspects you’re trying to forgive. Chop it up. Then pray about them. Forgive them one at a time. This makes big offenses manageable. Ask God to help you let it go. That’s always where the process starts and then cross off each individual item. It will help you climb the mountain.
May 16, 2017
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