Love Their Mother
December 18, 2017
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What’s the best thing a father can do for his children?
If you believe the old adage, the answer is love their mother because together they provide a healthy environment for their children. Is that also true for stepfathers? Well, in the beginning a stepfather is, in effect, taking the mother away from the kids at least that’s the way it feels to them. But eventually, when the family has had time to bond and connect, the answer is yes. A loving marriage at first puts the kids in a jam, but eventually becomes the glue that holds the family together.
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Okay, here’s an odd one. One of the ways we help children grieve well is by making them pick up their socks.
One big temptation for parents of a grieving child is to go soft on them. They have been through a lot and so have you and you ache for them. But you need to keep holding them responsible for their behavior. Ephesians 4:26 suggests we can be angry and not sin. In other words, we are still responsible to manage our behavior even when we are feeling bad. Be sympathetic for their struggles and hug their sadness but at the same time hold them accountable for their actions and expect obedience.
December 15, 2017
Did you know that sometimes anger is a window into a child’s grief?
All parents need to know that for kids sometimes mad is really sad. Young children may not have words to express their pain or loss so they throw a tantrum. In teenagers an uncooperative attitude can really just be tears. Learn to listen beneath a child’s behavior and comment with compassion. Say something like, “I can tell you are upset. I’m also wondering if you are sad about something.” You might not be able to fix the circumstances but listening to their words is hugging their heart.
December 14, 2017
You know if you are grieving, you know grieving is hard. So how do you help a child grieve?
When we experience a loss we need relational, psychological, and spiritual anchors to hold us steady. One anchor for children is the consistent presence of people they trust to help them deal with the loss. They also need spiritual perspective on things like how a good God could allow bad things to happen even though he loves us. As a parent in a blended family or a stepparent make sure the kids have these anchors because grieving the past has everything to do with accepting you in the present.
December 13, 2017
Did you know that when it comes to family or community grieving sometimes children are forgotten?
After my 12-year-old son died my wife and I struggled to help our other two sons grieve the loss of their brother. We learned that siblings are what bereavement counselors call the forgotten mourners. Turns out this is often true. When divorced parents battle over money or visitation schedules how it affects their child is often ignored. Don’t pretend like the loss isn’t in a child’s life anymore. It is. Acknowledge it and speak to the child about it. Let them know you haven’t forgotten.
December 12, 2017
If you are a parent, you might just also be a grief counselor.
It’s funny. Grief is an emotion that will not be denied but in our culture we try hard to deny it. We expect sad people to get over it in just a few weeks. We think faith and a quick sermon from Romans 8:28 will make sadness go away. But it doesn’t. In single parent families and blended families kids need you to be authentic with your sadness, to give permission to their sadness, and to listen to their stories. Grief is a journey not a destination and it is best that children not travel alone
December 11, 2017
Okay, so you are a mom in a blended family. Have you ever heard this one before? You love him more than you love us.
You know lots of moms or dads have heard that accusation from their kids. It usually comes when the kids are feeling insecure. So what do you do? What is the priority in your life? Well, here is what you say. “My spouse is the most important adult in my life. You kids are the most important kids in my life. I love you both very much. God has given me more than enough love for all of you. I will always be here for you.” One antidote to a child’s insecurity is your reassurance and a big hug.
December 8, 2017
I once asked a seven-year-old what it felt like when her mom married her stepfather. She said, “Well, it’s kind of like when a friend pushes you down on the playground and runs off and leaves you.” Ouch.
The problem here is that mom threw all of her time and energy into the new relationship and it came at the neglect of her child. If you are a single parent I suggest a good balance in dating. Spend time with your kids. Spend time with the person you are dating. If you are already married in a blended family, keep a fresh connection with each child. Ironically, this will make it easier for your kids to embrace their stepparent and stepsiblings because they are not competing with them for you.
December 7, 2017
Healthy co-parenting is hard. So, is it worth all the hard work?
Co-parenting is increasingly common these days. When we get it right, there are a lot of benefits. It reduces loyalty conflicts in children. It decreases resentment between homes, making it emotionally safer for kids to move back and forth. It improves the psychological well-being of children. It fosters cooperative parenting, which means kids can’t play one home against the other. And it reduces stress in a couple’s relationship, strengthening their marriage. I’d say it’s well worth it.
December 6, 2017
How do you prevent divorce in the next generation?
You do that by preventing divorce in their parents. Children of divorce are less confident about the idea of marriage, often choose cohabitation over marriage, and are themselves 89% more likely to divorce when they get married. What do you do for kids who have already experienced divorce? Give them a healthy marriage model. You prevent divorce in the next generation by preventing redivorce in this generation. Healthy stepcouples lead by example which is reparative and that breaks the cycle.
December 5, 2017
Diligence secures a reward.
“Whoever tends a fig tree,” Proverbs 27 says, “will eat its fruit.” Apparently, faithful diligence brings reward. Now, that’s a speech we want to tell our kids before they go to college. And, one we need to give ourselves when we have a prodigal child. Or are looking for a job or struggling with a bad habit. In faithfulness, keep tending to the tree—the relationship or situation—season after season. It may not bring quick reward or bear the exact fruit you want, but reward it likely will bring.
December 4, 2017
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