Let Other Bio Kin Fill the Gap
June 28, 2017
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When a parent dies who can best fill the gap for a child?
In my experience most stepparents have a really big heart. They want to step into the physical gaps that exist in a child’s life after they lose a parent. In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme suggests this desire may be misguided. Children are more naturally drawn to their other biological kin—like a grandparent or uncle. A stepparent can provide new things, like a friendship, but there’s something about extended family that is better able to “fill the gaps.”
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When you’re parenting a grieving child, you have some special challenges to overcome.
In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme says when a child loses a parent they no longer get to witness their parent’s inadequacies instead they tend to idolize that parent which makes bonding for even the most loving, supportive stepparent harder. That’s not all. A grieving child sometimes is fearful that someone else may die. Now this isn’t to say bonding won’t occur just that the stepparent and living parent should temper their expectations and take things in stride.
June 27, 2017
When a parent dies, a child needs to stay in touch.
Children of divorce can stay in contact with both parents. When a parent dies a child can’t. In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme points out the need to maintain an emotional connection to a parent does not end when a parent dies. The living parent and stepparent can help with this: acknowledge the deceased parent; write letters and look at pictures and talk about them. Help the child bring the deceased parent along with them and a healthy connection will endure.
June 26, 2017
What do you do when family relationships compete?
Usually we think of family members as standing up for each other but sometimes we don’t. Like when siblings rival for their parent’s attention and favor. In stepfamilies there’s a natural temptation to compete. Stepchildren want time with their biological parent. Stepsiblings who live with mom want lots of exclusive time with dad when they are at his house for the weekend. The secret to navigating this competition is to let go of your selfishness and consider the needs of others before your own.
June 23, 2017
When a 20-year-old stepson said it from the stage there was a gasp from the audience. “It’s kind of a gain for you but it’s a loss for the kids.”
I was interviewing a young man and I asked him the question, “What do you wish adults knew about being a stepchild?” He said, “It’s a gain for the adults. They have new love and a friend to share their life with but for us kids it’s a reminder that mom and dad can’t be together. And it means more family change. It’s just hard to adjust.” He’s right, which is why adults should not rush into marriage and why they need to be very patient with the children after the wedding.
June 22, 2017
Do you have a soulmate? Then you need soul love.
We have this strange idea that if we find the right person to love, our soulmate, love will be easy because of who they are. Author and Bible teacher, John Ortberg, says in his book, Soul Keeping, that to love your soulmate means giving your will, your choices, mind, thoughts, feelings, your body, behaviors, and your habits and aligning them for the good of the other person before God. We bless their soul, he says, when we love them with ours. A soulmate is more about you than it is about them.
June 21, 2017
So, what kind of stepgrandparent are you?
You might not be one but the odds are someone in your family will be. There are three kinds: long-term stepgrandparents raised a stepchild and then became a grandparent when their stepchild had a kid. Inherited stepgrandparents inherited grandchildren when their adult son or daughter became a stepparent. And later-life stepgrandparents married a grandparent and instantly got stepgrandchildren. No matter what, it’s up to all three generations to act in loving ways and build a relationship.
June 20, 2017
Do you know how to win friends and influence people? It might not be with you think.
We’ve lost the art of persuasion. We resort to loud declarations and a pushy attitude in politics, in sports and sometimes at home. Proverbs 25:15 suggests a more powerful approach. Patience can persuade a ruler, it says, and soft speech powerful enough to break a bone. No, we’re not trying to hurt someone. The point is, gentleness and kindness might not be quick but the outcome is significant. For example, a pushy stepparent is easily dismissed but a tender leader might find he has a following.
June 19, 2017
Would you like to make Father’s Day a great day for your dad? Get along!
There are times we need to work through family conflicts. But there are other occasions when we should set them aside. Friends of mine had a special occasion celebrating the dad in the family. Now, it was a blended family so when the adult children showed up they got territorial and before you know it the occasion was ruined. One of the greatest gifts you can give a parent is peace. Get along! Set aside your insecurities for a minute and celebrate dad this weekend. And let him take a nap!
June 16, 2017
Yo, Dude. Hey, slow down. Have some tact, okay.
We guys are natural fixers. Well, sometimes fixing requires tact and timing. Imagine a new stepdad who is trying to be accepted and find his place in the home. If he comes in like a bull in a china shop something fragile is bound to get broken. So, don’t force your way in, right every wrong, or conquer every mountain. Consult with your wife about her kids and work with her. Move in with tact, respect, patience, and lots of prayer. That’s how things get done.
June 15, 2017
Can you imagine at your wedding expressing vows to someone other than your groom or bride?
Maybe you saw the online video that went viral, it includes a groom expressing vows to his bride—and to her daughter. This stepdad-to-be knew that marrying a single parent means marrying the entire package—which in this case, included a young girl. He promised to play games with her, love her, and show her how a man should treat a woman by the way he treated her mother. Right from the start this girl was assured her stepdad was committed to her. We all need to hear that stepfamilies included.
June 14, 2017
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.