FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Keep Your Enemies Close

June 11, 2018

When you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, don’t move away—move toward.

 

You care for someone, but you don’t care for their behavior. The old adage “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” has application here. Influence comes with relationship, so move toward them however you can so that your heart and love for them will soften their heart toward what you’re saying. Avoid frequent confrontation; that will only push them away. Look, you’re not tolerating their poor choices; you’re trusting that closeness has more redemptive influence than distant judgment.

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The Bible in Romans 12 says, “…as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Well, that’s fine when circumstances allow, but when a friend or family member walks away—it’s not up to you. So, what do you do?   I think there’s a delicate balance between chasing after someone you love and giving them space to turn around; hounding them can just push them away. I’ve worked with a lot of heart-broken parents who don’t know what to do because one of their kids won’t come for visitation. No matter how frustrated you are stay determined to reconcile and close enough to be found when your child turns around. And because waiting is hard, you need lots of prayer. As far as it depends on you, live at peace.
June 8, 2018
“Okay, Ron, just where do I fit in this picture?”   A friend of mine is a stepdad and he said, “Ron, I want to be the one who teaches my stepson how to shave and who walks Emily down the aisle on her wedding day, but I think their dad ought to do that. So, what is my role?” Being the Bonus Mom or Dad sometimes means you don’t get the first seat at the table, but it does mean that as an added parent-figure in the life of a child, everything you do offer is bonus! A bonus hug, a bonus word of encouragement, a bonus godly influence and bonus love.
June 7, 2018
What’s a wedding, without a honeymoon!   Did you ever notice blended family couples don’t get a honeymoon? They get a few days together after the wedding but they don’t get time together before kids come along. Deuteronomy 24 affirms that couples need time to bond and establish their home. But stepfamily couples don’t get that. Instant family means instant responsibilities. They negotiate romance and partnership at the same time. It is what it is. Work at this. Be intentional. It’s harder to solidify your marriage but you can do this.  
June 6, 2018
“Ron, my family is living proof that dysfunction breeds dysfunction.”   Julie was the youngest of 10 children in a blended family. Nine of the 10 kids had been divorced and remarried. Over the years, her family experienced hurt feelings, abuse, kids getting kicked out of the home—all while she felt powerless to change it. But Julie found the Lord and a church home, and through our ministry discovered how her stepfamily can break the generational pattern of divorce. She learned that hurting families “really is an epidemic,” but your family can break the cycle.
June 5, 2018
When two people you love are in conflict—don’t’ get caught in the triangle.   Say, a child tells their biological parent something negative about the parent’s spouse—the stepparent. Listen and acknowledge the child’s feelings but avoid resolving the problem. That might inadvertently create an unhealthy alliance against your spouse and don’t speak up for your spouse or that might minimize the child’s feelings. Either way you’re stuck in the middle and they haven't figured it out yet. Listen, validate, and then say: “Let’s talk about how you two can work this out.”  
June 4, 2018
One quality of those who go the distance in their marriage and family is perseverance.   “When the storm has swept by,” says Proverbs 10, “the wicked are gone but the righteous stand firm forever.” Like the wise man in Matthew 7, this proverb suggests that we can stand against the rain and the wind by trusting in and putting into practice the words of Jesus. Family life can be stormy sometimes. Whether you are single or married, a single parent or a stepparent, a grandparent or a foster parent be determined not to give in to family stress or give up to hopelessness.
June 1, 2018
What’s your working definition of love?   Hallmark had an old ad campaign that captures the essence of what love does. Their slogan, “When you care enough to send the very best.” Now let’s replace the word, “send” with “give." When you care enough to give the very best. The best of what? Yourself. Whether we’re talking about a spouse or a child or another family member that pretty well captures what love does. That’s what Jesus did. He gave the best of himself for us and that’s what we should do today for each other.
May 31, 2018
“Teacher, my throat hurts.”   “Does it hurt when you swallow?” she asked. “No, it hurts all the time. It hurts because my parents were screaming so loud at each other I had to scream even louder to get them to stop.” Oh, that’s different. When home life is stressed, kids are stressed. They carry it through life just like we do. There have been seasons of my marriage that stressed my kids and I could see it on their faces. We got help and I could see that on their faces, too, If you’re struggling at home, reach out, get help.
May 30, 2018
All right people. It’s time to put on your thick skin.   Tammy worked really hard to make everyone in her stepfamily feel like they belonged. But after two years, she still complained that when their six adult children came over for dinner she would “lose her husband” to his kids. Look, it’s common for parents to feel pulled between their kids and their spouse—and someone usually feels left out. But it helps if you put on your thick skin and not be so sensitive. Making every moment a test of loyalty likely means you feel like your family is failing.
May 29, 2018
To be a successful stepmom, do what successful stepmoms do.   Karen called to tell me that her relationship with her stepdaughter had gotten much better after several years. “What did you do to get there?” I asked. Her advice was gold: Remember that kids have a different perspective than you, so don’t take everything personally, she said. Never talk negatively about their biological mom and know your place. You’re not the parent so don’t try to push your way in. Be their friend first and it will grow from there. Bottom line: Just love them as best you can.
May 28, 2018
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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