Is Your Teenager Coming or Going?
June 13, 2018
00:00
Man, sometimes you don’t know if you’re coming or going.
Teenagers and young adults are trying to grow up. Like David using a sling to kill Goliath, centrifugal force is launching them into independence. But sometimes parents activate centripetal force that says, “Go to college but not far away." "Become responsible, but still need me.” Which is it? This happens in blended families when the kids are launching, but the new family is blending. Two opposing forces. The answer? For both parents and teens it’s somewhere between holding on and letting go.
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Archives
Drowning in a sea of emotions? You’re not the only one.
In my book The Smart Stepdad I tell Josie’s story. “On our wedding day,” she said, “We left the chapel and there were five of us in the car…instant family. For some strange reason I didn’t see that coming. Silly me.” For months, Josie had anxiety and wrestled with what she called a sea of emotions. This really is a pretty common experience. Find the right answers to blended family questions. The emotions will come and go, but learning how to swim is what will keep your head above water.
June 12, 2018
When you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, don’t move away—move toward.
You care for someone, but you don’t care for their behavior. The old adage “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” has application here. Influence comes with relationship, so move toward them however you can so that your heart and love for them will soften their heart toward what you’re saying. Avoid frequent confrontation; that will only push them away. Look, you’re not tolerating their poor choices; you’re trusting that closeness has more redemptive influence than distant judgment.
June 11, 2018
The Bible in Romans 12 says, “…as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Well, that’s fine when circumstances allow, but when a friend or family member walks away—it’s not up to you. So, what do you do?
I think there’s a delicate balance between chasing after someone you love and giving them space to turn around; hounding them can just push them away. I’ve worked with a lot of heart-broken parents who don’t know what to do because one of their kids won’t come for visitation. No matter how frustrated you are stay determined to reconcile and close enough to be found when your child turns around. And because waiting is hard, you need lots of prayer. As far as it depends on you, live at peace.
June 8, 2018
“Okay, Ron, just where do I fit in this picture?”
A friend of mine is a stepdad and he said, “Ron, I want to be the one who teaches my stepson how to shave and who walks Emily down the aisle on her wedding day, but I think their dad ought to do that. So, what is my role?” Being the Bonus Mom or Dad sometimes means you don’t get the first seat at the table, but it does mean that as an added parent-figure in the life of a child, everything you do offer is bonus! A bonus hug, a bonus word of encouragement, a bonus godly influence and bonus love.
June 7, 2018
What’s a wedding, without a honeymoon!
Did you ever notice blended family couples don’t get a honeymoon? They get a few days together after the wedding but they don’t get time together before kids come along. Deuteronomy 24 affirms that couples need time to bond and establish their home. But stepfamily couples don’t get that. Instant family means instant responsibilities. They negotiate romance and partnership at the same time. It is what it is. Work at this. Be intentional. It’s harder to solidify your marriage but you can do this.
June 6, 2018
“Ron, my family is living proof that dysfunction breeds dysfunction.”
Julie was the youngest of 10 children in a blended family. Nine of the 10 kids had been divorced and remarried. Over the years, her family experienced hurt feelings, abuse, kids getting kicked out of the home—all while she felt powerless to change it. But Julie found the Lord and a church home, and through our ministry discovered how her stepfamily can break the generational pattern of divorce. She learned that hurting families “really is an epidemic,” but your family can break the cycle.
June 5, 2018
When two people you love are in conflict—don’t’ get caught in the triangle.
Say, a child tells their biological parent something negative about the parent’s spouse—the stepparent. Listen and acknowledge the child’s feelings but avoid resolving the problem. That might inadvertently create an unhealthy alliance against your spouse and don’t speak up for your spouse or that might minimize the child’s feelings. Either way you’re stuck in the middle and they haven't figured it out yet. Listen, validate, and then say: “Let’s talk about how you two can work this out.”
June 4, 2018
One quality of those who go the distance in their marriage and family is perseverance.
“When the storm has swept by,” says Proverbs 10, “the wicked are gone but the righteous stand firm forever.” Like the wise man in Matthew 7, this proverb suggests that we can stand against the rain and the wind by trusting in and putting into practice the words of Jesus. Family life can be stormy sometimes. Whether you are single or married, a single parent or a stepparent, a grandparent or a foster parent be determined not to give in to family stress or give up to hopelessness.
June 1, 2018
What’s your working definition of love?
Hallmark had an old ad campaign that captures the essence of what love does. Their slogan, “When you care enough to send the very best.” Now let’s replace the word, “send” with “give." When you care enough to give the very best. The best of what? Yourself. Whether we’re talking about a spouse or a child or another family member that pretty well captures what love does. That’s what Jesus did. He gave the best of himself for us and that’s what we should do today for each other.
May 31, 2018
“Teacher, my throat hurts.”
“Does it hurt when you swallow?” she asked. “No, it hurts all the time. It hurts because my parents were screaming so loud at each other I had to scream even louder to get them to stop.” Oh, that’s different. When home life is stressed, kids are stressed. They carry it through life just like we do. There have been seasons of my marriage that stressed my kids and I could see it on their faces. We got help and I could see that on their faces, too, If you’re struggling at home, reach out, get help.
May 30, 2018
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Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.