FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

I Celebrate You, Too.

March 14, 2018

Godly people try to make friends out of enemies.

 

Maybe you saw the viral video of the mom who took a birthday gift to her daughter’s dad…and stepmom. Of course, everybody wanted to know why because moms and stepmoms are supposed to be enemies, right? Just because it is often like that doesn’t mean it should be. See, this Mom had been going through a tough time and her ex and the stepmom had been supportive. To say “thank you” she took them a gift. The whole world and her daughter got to watch and be inspired. Now that’s how you co-parent.

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Have you ever thought, “Maybe I’m being too negative”?   I regularly talk on the radio about the blessings and challenges of blended family living. Why? Because no one else is and there’s a huge population of people living in stepfamilies. Because there are predictable challenges the first decade I want to help prepare you. But my fear is that talking about the challenges makes you think there are few rewards. That’s just not true. When you’re climbing the mountain you can’t always see the vista. Trust me, it’s there. Just keep climbing.
March 13, 2018
When it comes to time with your kids, backing out is backing down.   Some segments of society view men as peripheral to the family. Both sides buy the lie—some moms would prefer he step back and he is willing to back out. A divorced man said to me once, “If my kids don’t want to come over I don’t make them.” I said, “Why? Why would you do that? Do you let them decide not to eat their vegetables or do their homework? I sure hope not.” Kids don’t always know what they need. That’s why God gave them parents. Don’t back out. Keep your time. Your love matters.
March 12, 2018
Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to forgive a family member than somebody else?   Sometimes stepparents and stepchildren can find it more difficult to forgive each other than other family members. One teenager said it this way, “If my dad hurts my feelings, it’s a lot easier to let it go than if my stepmom does.” Easier…yes. Any less important…no. In the Bible, Colossians 3 urges us to forgive our grievances with each other, just as the Lord has forgiven us. As best I can tell, this includes stepfamily members, too.
March 9, 2018
Have you ever noticed that in order to stay alive, you have to keep feeding yourself?   You can hardly forget because if you’re not eating your stomach will remind you, right?  Relationships need to be fed, too. If you want your relationships to grow then shower people with genuine compliments and don’t stop. Words of appreciation and affirmation can build a stepfamily relationship, foster closeness in a marriage, and encourage cooperation between co-parents. Criticism can undo all of it and build walls of resentment. Don’t just keep your family alive! Feed it appreciation food.
March 8, 2018
When jumping into a river, try avoiding the rapids!   Parenting has many seasons to it. If you’ve got a kid over 20, you know what I mean. Stepparents and foster parents jump into that river mid-stream—while learning to swim at the same time. Reactions like, “my kid never acted like this.” Or, “I’ve never had a teenager before—is this normal?” are common. Hey, it’s easy to get lost in the rapids so help each other out. The biological parent can fill in a few gaps while the stepparent plays catch-up. Slow down. Get in sync. And hang on for the ride.
March 7, 2018
When it comes to kids, who you respect is who they respect.   Daniel’s stepdad was important to him. His stepdad was his dad. He loved, honored, and valued him and yet his respect was limited. You see, Daniel’s mother never allowed his stepdad to discipline him and she made it very clear that if push came to shove she would choose Daniel and walk away. As a result, his stepdad had limited authority and Daniel knew it. Here’s the take-away: Who we respect—in all aspects of life—is who our children respect. In parenting, make sure you lift one another up.
March 6, 2018
Don’t fracture a child’s heart. Put it together and let love flow freely.   Sometimes co-parents are tempted to dampen a child’s relationship with the other parent. Listen, it is every parent’s responsibility to encourage their child to keep in contact. Not just visit, but have a strong relationship. Alienators will take advantage and say, “They don’t want to go to their mom’s house, so I don’t’ make them.” No. That’s not right. We don’t let a child’s hesitation keep them from things. So, unless there is abuse, encourage the relationship and celebrate the other parent.
March 5, 2018
Good parents, respect each other.   There are parenting skills my wife is good at and I’m not. I respect her for it and she respects me for my strengths. That mutual respect helps us be a better team. Did you know heathy divorced or divided parents living in separate homes can do the same thing? There are barriers to overcome but really good co-parents find a way to respect and help each other succeed. Striving for a cooperative spirit with the other home may not be convenient for you but you know who it is good for? Your kids.
March 2, 2018
You know what I love? I love it when our family’s in the car and my wife makes a declaration, “Hey, it’s happy hour. It’s time for a Sonic run!”   Rituals are simple behaviors we repeat on a fairly regular basis. When families share a ritual it creates a connection point that over time builds memories, creates a sense of togetherness, and bonds you together as family. You can see why this is important for blended families. Be intentional to create and maintain rituals that connect. Share a favorite food, tell a joke every day before school, or play a family game after dinner. Hey, you’re in the car right now why not grab a cherry limeade?
March 1, 2018
Anger is a secondary emotion. The question, then, is what’s underneath it?   Proverbs 29:22 says, “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.” If you’ve got a temper, you’ve got problems. In general, people get angry because they are hurt, frustrated, or sad. Maybe they're going through a loss and screaming at the world. Or they feel unimportant to someone they love and the hurt comes out as anger. Or they are frustrated. Whatever it is, to keep your anger from causing sin, deal with the hurt, frustration, or sadness underneath.
February 28, 2018
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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