FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

His First Concern

July 6, 2017

Ghosts are scary.

 

“Ron, my ghost says my second husband will abandon me like my first one did; I won’t be enough for him; and he will always consider the mother of his children his first concern.” Ghosts make us fearful that we are second. But when do you start counting? This woman thought his first wife was his first love but maybe his first love was his first romance. How often are we the first? Perhaps what’s needed here is confidence, in yourself as a person of worth, and in your spouse’s commitment to you. 

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My mom taught me that it’s not nice to call someone stupid. So, why did the Bible do it?   The Bible in Proverbs 12 says, “Whoever loves discipline, loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof (or correction) is stupid.” So, what should we learn? Shutting out the discipline of life means you’re closed to growing, to learning, and to being instructed in wise things. Kids listen to your parents. They love you and their correction will help you. Adults, when someone speaks truth into your life, pay attention. And to all of us, when God’s word convicts your heart don’t be stupid. Listen up.
July 5, 2017
Have you ever watched fireworks on a sunny day?   Fireworks are made for nighttime because the dark sky provides the perfect backdrop. Some of us have a dark backdrop to our lives--great loss, financial strain, stress, or brokenness in a relationship or family. Just like fireworks, God has a way of lighting up the sky. The darkness remains but the light draws your attention away from it. This Fourth of July, while you watch the fireworks, remember God has not forgotten you. And that compared to your darkness, He is light—a spectacular light!
July 4, 2017
If you were lost, would you ask for directions?   A woman wrote. A counselor pointed she and her husband to this ministry and our resources and it made all the difference with their blended family. “It was like a life-line,” she said. “We need to be okay asking for help from the church, so pastors would learn about our need. We don’t have it all together, and I’m not willing to risk the plans God has for our family on my pride.” Good point. No, there’s no shame in asking for directions. And if they only knew, your pastors would want to help.
July 3, 2017
What’s the difference between those who hear the Word of God and are changed by it and those who aren’t?   I’ve often wondered why there are lots of people who sit in church every week but only a few who put into practice what they learn. Proverbs 11 says, “Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Humility is the posture that acknowledges our dependence on God and opens us to the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. Pride closes you off to how the Lord is trying to transform you. So prepare your heart to receive God’s wisdom. Clothe yourself with humility.
June 30, 2017
In order to be a loving spouse sometimes you have to unlearn what you’ve learned.   Learning to live with the preferences and quirks of your spouse is just one way of becoming a great partner. But sometimes life makes you unlearn what you’ve learned. Sabrina discovered after getting remarried that her second husband didn’t like his back scratched and that quiet meant content and not unhappy like her first husband. See, if you don’t unlearn what you’ve learned you make the wrong assumption. Stop assuming and start listening. You might have a lot to unlearn.
June 29, 2017
When a parent dies who can best fill the gap for a child?   In my experience most stepparents have a really big heart. They want to step into the physical gaps that exist in a child’s life after they lose a parent. In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme suggests this desire may be misguided. Children are more naturally drawn to their other biological kin—like a grandparent or uncle. A stepparent can provide new things, like a friendship, but there’s something about extended family that is better able to “fill the gaps.” 
June 28, 2017
When you’re parenting a grieving child, you have some special challenges to overcome.   In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme says when a child loses a parent they no longer get to witness their parent’s inadequacies instead they tend to idolize that parent which makes bonding for even the most loving, supportive stepparent harder. That’s not all. A grieving child sometimes is fearful that someone else may die. Now this isn’t to say bonding won’t occur just that the stepparent and living parent should temper their expectations and take things in stride.
June 27, 2017
When a parent dies, a child needs to stay in touch.   Children of divorce can stay in contact with both parents. When a parent dies a child can’t. In her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, author Diane Fromme points out the need to maintain an emotional connection to a parent does not end when a parent dies. The living parent and stepparent can help with this: acknowledge the deceased parent; write letters and look at pictures and talk about them. Help the child bring the deceased parent along with them and a healthy connection will endure.
June 26, 2017
What do you do when family relationships compete?   Usually we think of family members as standing up for each other but sometimes we don’t. Like when siblings rival for their parent’s attention and favor. In stepfamilies there’s a natural temptation to compete. Stepchildren want time with their biological parent. Stepsiblings who live with mom want lots of exclusive time with dad when they are at his house for the weekend. The secret to navigating this competition is to let go of your selfishness and consider the needs of others before your own.
June 23, 2017
When a 20-year-old stepson said it from the stage there was a gasp from the audience. “It’s kind of a gain for you but it’s a loss for the kids.”   I was interviewing a young man and I asked him the question, “What do you wish adults knew about being a stepchild?” He said, “It’s a gain for the adults. They have new love and a friend to share their life with but for us kids it’s a reminder that mom and dad can’t be together. And it means more family change. It’s just hard to adjust.” He’s right, which is why adults should not rush into marriage and why they need to be very patient with the children after the wedding.
June 22, 2017
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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