Grace Under Fire (Proverbs 12)
October 31, 2018
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One sure sign of a mature person: grace under fire.
How someone responds to an insult tells you about their maturity. Proverbs 12:16 clearly distinguishes fools, who are quickly annoyed by insults and the wise who calmly overlook an insult. We’re all challenged by this passage, but let me speak to stepparents. When a stepchild criticizes how you care for them or your spouse’s ex calls you a dirty name it is grace under fire that wins the day. Without a doubt, insults hurt, but in Christ you can stay calm, rise above, and respond in love.
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Do children keep a marriage together?
Single people assume having a child brings and keeps couples together. One woman said, “Better than a wedding certificate, we have an amazing daughter who will bind us together…till death do us part.” This is part of a confusing cultural double-message that says you don’t need marriage to have a baby, but you can rely on that baby to remain coupled. This is not true. A strong couple relationship requires dedication to each other, not a child. And, strong parenting flows from a strong marriage.
October 30, 2018
Are you sure you want to post that?
Parents, help your kids learn what to post and what not to post. Here are some filters to share. Filter 1: Is this “corrupt talk” or “helpful for building others up” talk? This one puts Ephesians 4:29 into action. Don’t say negative things about people, just encourage. Filter 2: Would this give a future employer a reason not to hire me? Why get yourself fired before you even get hired? And Filter 4: Am I chasing affirmation? Don’t post for the applause of men. Rest in the affirmation of heaven.
October 29, 2018
Have you ever felt caught between two people you love? Stuck between a rock and a hard place?
Children in blended families really don’t like having to choose between family members but they often feel like they have to. I think it’s up to the adults to untie the loyalty knots that kids find themselves in. Give your kids permission to enjoy themselves in the other home. A mom might say, “Hey, have a great time at your stepmom’s house this weekend.” When she says that it really liberates her child’s heart. To untie the loyalty knots for kids is to set them free to love.
October 26, 2018
Do you know what the difference is between couples who get through rough times and those who don’t?
Discouragement in marriage motivates a dedicated person to keep working on their marriage. The person who stays stuck looks back and wonders if they made a mistake. Look, you didn’t know what you didn’t know and what you didn’t know doesn’t really matter anymore because you made a commitment and commitment expresses itself in the present and the future. If your marriage is struggling ask God for help and seek out someone to provide direction and support but don’t look back. Keep looking forward.
October 25, 2018
When two elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers.
Kids of divorce have a few bumps and bruises but they can fare reasonably well long term if their parents put aside their differences and cooperate as co-parents. The alternative is for parents to argue and fight. The more they do the more wounded their kids become. Co-Parenting is not about you. It’s about what is best for your kids. For you to manage it well you may have to keep forgiving and set aside what you think is fair for you. For their sake you can do this. You have to do this.
October 24, 2018
Choosing what’s best sometimes comes at a price.
Luke 4 in the Bible says that once the word got out about Jesus’ power to heal the sick and cast out demons, people flocked to him and didn’t want him to leave. But he did leave so he could preach about the Kingdom of God to other cities. He said “No” to a good thing in order to say “Yes” to the best thing even if it meant disappointing others. If disappointing others paralyzes you, prepare to be enslaved. Being kingdom focused even if it upsets others and choosing what’s best is what’s best.
October 23, 2018
When daddy’s get along, things go better for kids.
Chris took his tween son on a retreat to talk about healthy sexual identity, romance, girls, etc. And Chris took his former wife’s current husband and his son. You see, Chris gets along with his former wife and his son’s stepdad. A little unusual but impressive. My book The Smart Stepdad states that children who have a good relationship with both their stepfather and their biological father have better life outcomes than kids who have good relationships with just their father. Nice job, guys.
October 22, 2018
What would you say to a stepchild who just said, “You are not my dad. I do not have to do what you say.”?
Part two of the response turns the corner and deals with the behavioral issue of the moment. “You’re right. I’m not your dad but I am the adult here right now and you still have to clean your room. Besides, if your mom were here she’d be asking you to clean your room, too. So it’s your call. You can clean it yourself or we’ll use your allowance and pay your sister to do it for you.” Then turn and walk away. You know, kids need understanding and compassion. They also need to clean their room.
October 19, 2018
What would you say if your stepdaughter just declared, “You’re not my dad; I don’t have to do what you say.”?
Recognize that on some level this teenager is telling you about her sadness. Yes, I know, she doesn’t want to clean her room but she also misses her dad. Sometimes kids defy a stepparent because they are hurting. So, respond first with genuine compassion. “You’re right. I’m not your dad and I can tell that you miss him.” This connects to her heart and shows her you’re really not all that bad. In fact, your gentleness just might earn you some respect and obedience. I'll share part two tomorrow.
October 18, 2018
Hey stepparents, do you have positional authority or relational authority?
Positional authority is what empowers a babysitter to tell the kids to pick up their toys. Relational authority is what a parent or grandparent has. They have an emotional bond with the child so the child obeys out of love and respect. Stepparents start with positional authority but can move towards relational authority over time. Work with the biological parent to decide rules and consequences but let the biological parent handle the discipline. Work together and play to your strengths.
October 17, 2018
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Featured Offer
Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.