God’s Blueprints 2
August 4, 2017
00:00
It’s funny, when a pendulum swings to one extreme, it always swings back.
Some liberal researchers and writers on marriage who have said for years that heterosexual marriage doesn’t matter but that same sex marriage does, are beginning to recognize that what we’ve done to the family isn’t working. It’s creating generational poverty and unhealthy parenting environments for children. In other words, the wheels are falling off the family bus. Why don't we just stick to God’s generous blueprints for the family and trust them instead of creating our own?
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Have the blueprints for your apartment or home changed since you’ve been living there?
Well, no they haven’t unless you’ve remodeled. Have you noticed though that culture tries to remodel the family? Marriage used to be the gateway to family life; now it's the capstone. We used to encourage couples to stay together for the sake of their children; now we encourage couples to get married for the sake of their children. God is the architect of the home and it's wise not to remodel what he has already set in place. Study the Bible. Learn about the blueprints. You’ll be glad you did.
August 3, 2017
Parenting in a complex family is like riding a roller coaster.
You’ve heard me say to foster parents and stepparents that developing a role where the child might progress from babysitter to uncle or aunt to being a bonus parent. I need to apologize for oversimplifying that, bonding is not linear. In reality, it’s more like one step forward and two steps back. And just when you’re getting somewhere the roller coaster turns you upside down. It’s confusing. Roller coasters can disorient but as long as you don’t jump off, they have their rewards, too.
August 2, 2017
If you could go back and give yourself some advice, before you married, what would you say?
I’d give myself a t-shirt that would say, “Keep Calm, Fear Not, Serve Anyway.” Learning to manage yourself in conflict is vital to any marriage. Most of us slip into fight, flight, or freeze but keeping calm better allows us to put on the mind of Christ, even in a tough situation. Fear Not, Serve Anyway: When you’re fearful things aren’t going well, you tend to do things that make things worse and you stop serving because you’re looking out for yourself.
August 1, 2017
“Don’t worry, be happy” is not always the best song to sing.
When someone we love hurts a “get-happy” pep talk does not help. Proverbs 25 says, “Singing songs to someone who is sad is like taking away his coat on a cold day or pouring vinegar on his wounds.” Don’t offer simple platitudes or theological sermons. Sit with them and show them they’re not alone. In stepfamilies, kids need a hug when they’re missing a parent; and parents or stepparents when they feel worried about a child or left out. On a cold day, don’t take away someone’s coat. Give a hug.
July 31, 2017
There are parents who are manipulating their children for their own gain and it’s wrong.
Fracturing relationships of any kind through manipulation is a serious offense to God. There are an increasing number of divorced parents, many who claim to be Christians, who are systematically alienating their children from the other parent. They lie and manipulate the children to control them and keep them close. This is wrong and we need to speak up. If you’re a child who hasn’t seen your other parent in a long time and all you have is one side of the story, start asking some new questions.
July 28, 2017
If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. Does that apply to marriage, too?
If you’re in a first marriage and struggling please don’t fantasize that divorcing and starting over with someone else is the answer. As an expert in stepfamilies I can tell you that stepfamily marriages have a high degree of difficulty and a higher divorce rate to prove it. No, baring extreme circumstances you’re better to stay in the marriage you’re in and make it work. If you’re in a stepfamily marriage and struggling the same applies to you. Making this marriage your last is well worth it.
July 27, 2017
In one year, home fires in the U.S. accounted for close to 16,000 injuries, and over 3200 deaths. But there’s a home fire of a different kind that is just as destructive.
There are no perfect families. We know our family is not perfect but sometimes we think other families are. Even while I am thinking about this topic my wife and I are working through a tiff we had recently. Everybody has a little house fire from time to time. But if there is a family conflict that can’t be contained, there’s no shame in calling the fire department. You know; a trusted friend, a pastor or counselor. If you need help don’t stand there and watch the house burn down. Call for help.
July 26, 2017
Sometimes, hope is unreasonable.
What do you do with an unreasonable person? Proverbs 25 puts it this way. “Like a broken tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful...” Could they change? Sure, but until then it’s time to organize your life without them. This needs a lot of prayer. Say it’s an ex who won’t parent their own kids or someone who loves their addiction more than you. Not relying on them is painful and tragic but not as painful as continually chewing on a broken tooth. Trust God and trust the person to God.
July 25, 2017
Want to connect with your spouse? Try a 30-second kiss.
We kiss royalty on the hand, grandma on the cheek, and our children on the forehead. Over time many married couples tend to settle for lazy kisses. But a 30-second kiss, a standing-in-the-kitchen-at-the-end-of-a-long-day kiss that’s qualitatively different. It takes time and determination but that’s the point. It gets you out of your rut. It adds energy to your marriage and communicates how much you value one another. It might gross out your kids, but if it affirms your usness, it’s worth it.
July 24, 2017
Every conflict has its own little dance. Are you a Distancer or a Pursuer?
In marriage Distancers are trying to help by withdrawing and cooling down the conflict. Pursuers chase problem talk; they want to help by getting the issue resolved. Now notice, both are trying to help. But in the heat of battle the Pursuer can’t catch the Distancer and the Distancer really doesn’t like how determined the Pursuer is to keep the discussion going. How are you going to resolve this impasse? Learn how to stand still. Manage yourself well and you can dance right through the conflict.
July 21, 2017
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.