Enduring Disharmony
January 12, 2018
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Now I know you’ve heard me say some crazy things but this one takes the cake. Learn to endure disharmony in your home.
I don’t expect you to be happy when someone is unhappy. Disharmony is a natural part of becoming a family. When a wedding forms a stepfamily you really don’t have a family identity. People have different last names and you have to learn how to be a family. That process almost guarantees a little disharmony maybe even a lot. But what’s cool is that working through things actually helps you to become a family. So, when disharmony comes take a deep breath, whisper a prayer, and keep on stepping.
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Do you want to know if you are ready to marry someone? Do not live together.
The research is clear. Cohabiting couples have lower levels of commitment, higher break up rates, and for those who do go on to marry; higher rates of divorce. Cohabiting doesn’t help you know if you are ready to get married any more than dipping your toe in the shallow end of the pool helps you to know whether or not you can swim. Take God at His word and trust Him. Keep your objectivity by not cohabiting and saving sex until marriage. That way you’ll make more solid decisions for your future.
January 11, 2018
I know you really don’t want to, but we need to talk about porn.
Porn is everywhere. First exposure for many kids is age four. Around 65 percent of young adult men use it weekly; one third of web users are women; and teens and young adults are twice as likely to rank not recycling as more immoral than viewing porn. This affects all of us and research shows the spiritual, relational, emotional, intellectual, social, even neurological effects on users and those around them. So, put an arm around someone, maybe yourself, and say, “Because I care, let’s talk.”
January 10, 2018
Blended families need to be bold as a lion.
The host of a national radio program asked people to call and share how their church had helped their blended family. Normally the phones would light up, but this time the calls stopped. Online someone explained, "Sadly, churches haven’t helped.” Now, in their defense, churches can’t have a ministry for every need. That’s why we provide equipping and resources. Still Proverbs 28 invites the righteous to be bold as a lion. Be bold to encourage your church to start a stepfamily ministry.
January 9, 2018
So, do you have any technoference in your parenting?
Technoference refers to the minor everyday intrusions or interruptions technology has on our relationships. Think about your parenting for a minute. While having dinner, or playing with your child—if your phone vibrates do you check it? Sixty five percent of mothers now admit that a device fairly often interrupts playtime or discipline with their child—and now researchers have found a link between technoference and child misbehavior. Distracted parents simply aren’t in synch with their child.
January 8, 2018
Ron, I’m marrying a man with adult children. I suppose our family transition will be easier since we have an empty nest, right? Ah, well…
Each year thousands of single parents who have empty nests marry. What they don't realize is adult stepfamilies have just as many adjustments to work through as do younger stepfamilies. When an adult child is complaining that home just doesn’t feel like home anymore the biological parent feels caught between the new spouse and their child. Find out what the other people need and ask God for a heart of understanding. I think you’ll be more gracious and compassionate with one another that way.
January 5, 2018
When conflict divides, be a bridge.
Two people you care about are hurting and you want to help bring the two sides together. Talk to each person separately, give perspective, and encourage them to reconcile. Anyone with credibility on both sides can play that role. I’ve even seen a stepparent bridge the gap between a parent and their child. The trick is knowing when to step back and let them work on repairing their relationship. We can help jump start the conversation, but they have to do the work. Be a conduit of reconciliation.
January 4, 2018
When helping a drowning person be careful not to get pulled under, too.
Brenda told me her husband’s ex-wife still cared for their 39-year-old alcoholic daughter and expected his help financially. Brenda asked, “When does co-parenting end?” Mentoring never ends, but financing an adult’s irresponsibility should have ended long ago. If your husband isn’t careful, he'll be pulled under with his drowning daughter and ex-wife and you. A skilled swimmer really can help a drowning person. Just because they are under-functioning in life doesn’t mean you should join them.
January 3, 2018
How do you love someone different than you—I mean really different?
You’re a talker; your son isn’t. You’re a saver, your wife isn’t. You’re have to-do lists, but your dating partner can't find her keys. Why does God make us so different? I think to force us outside ourselves. Think of it this way. If you’re a flaming extrovert and your spouse an introvert, neither of you is “wrong.” But both of you have to moderate who you are in order to serve the other. I move my personality closer to yours, you toward mine, and we both lose ourselves in order to find us.
January 2, 2018
Romans 12 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Sometimes we have to do them both at the same time.
Everyone who has experienced loss knows that special days and holidays bring a mixed bag of emotions. It definitely works that way in stepfamilies, too. If your family was fractured by divorce some might rejoice over new family members while others weep over being separated from someone they love. In order to cope you need to go with the flow and allow some people to be happy while others are sad. This holiday season rejoicing and weeping together might be the best gift you can give or receive.
January 1, 2018
Have you ever tried to force a jigsaw puzzle piece into a spot it wasn’t made to fit?
Sometimes parents want so badly for the pieces of their blended family to come together that they push and shove on a particular piece in their family. Demanding love from a child will backfire. Stop working harder at controlling people and relationships and start working smarter by getting educated about how stepfamilies come together and gain greater understanding of the dynamics in your home. If you do that the pieces will fit and the picture will come alive.
December 29, 2017
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.