Disintegrating Your Child
April 30, 2021
00:00
Be careful parents. You might disintegrate your child.
In a sci-fi movie, a disintegration gun makes someone disappear. If parents aren’t careful, they can make their child disappear. Mark had two stepdaughters, 38 and 42 years old, who still relied on their mother for financial assistance. He hoped to retire, but his wife wouldn’t let him because the girls needed money. Here’s the deal: A good way to make a child dysfunctional is to over function in their space. Don’t do that. Let them carry their own load or you’ll pay for it and so will they.
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.
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You know what? Well-intended bad advice…is still bad advice.
Six years ago, our pastor told my husband to take over the discipline of my two kids since he was now the "man of the house." All we did was mess things up. Yep, you got bad advice. Your pastor had good intentions, but he didn’t understand stepfamilies. If you’re a helper, ministry leader, even a therapist, get informed about stepfamily living. Attend our two-day summit that equips leaders, go online, or read a book. Misguided good intentions can harm a family. Get wisdom and give good advice.
April 29, 2021
Okay, it’s a bit hypocritical, but here goes: Saying “stupid” to your kids is stupid.
Jackie’s husband corrects her 14-year-old’s behavior like if he forgets to bring home an assignment from school by calling it stupid. Jackie’s concerned that her son will hear, “You are stupid.” I think she’s right. That’s likely what her son will hear, especially if her husband repeats that type of thing over and over. Hey, kids internalize criticism. So, compliment their character and avoid labeling their behavior. You didn’t like it when I called you stupid; don’t label them stupid.
April 28, 2021
When things look hopeless, seek the Lord continually.
That encouragement came from Sue, a mother who had done that on behalf of her blended family and she saw a dramatic change. Her blended family started with her daughter saying, “I hate you” to her stepdad, but now she says, “When can we get together?” Sue joked, “I think she likes her stepdad more than me now.” How long did it take? It took ten years to get to better. Until then, she prayed Psalm 105:4—“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!”
April 27, 2021
We just had to stay committed to getting through those early years.
That was Jay's comment and he’s right. One quality of blended families, who do well, is stubborn persistence through those early rough years. His wife, Laurie, shared another. “I quit trying to fix my stepkids,” she said. She was too focused on getting Mom-like respect and love rather than building a strong relationship. Both Jay and Laurie adjusted their expectations and lead their family through. Now, 15 years later, they talk about how much their eight kids love each other.
April 26, 2021
One decision can make all the difference.
Jemma's husband left her and their daughter and married a woman and was expecting a child. Jemma’s pain and bitterness was overwhelming so she planned to take her daughter away from her father. But Jemma’s mother told her to stop and think and respond in grace. She stayed and she’s so glad she did. Today, her daughter and half-sister are very close and Jemma has a healthy co-parenting relationship with the other home that blesses both kids. Bitterness doesn’t lead us toward love. Grace does.
April 23, 2021
Hit debt with a snowball.
Make a list of all your debts and while making the minimum payment on all of them add a little extra to pay off the smallest debt first. Then, shift money to that next smallest debt. Then keep snowballing until all the debts are paid. Now, in blended families it’s more complicated. Say one spouse has more debt than the other. The snowball is paying off all their debt. That may not feel fair. So, it’s okay to make adjustments to the plan because building trust is your most important investment.
April 22, 2021
One of the ways pride affects your marriage—it blinds you to you.
Couples often battle over who’s to blame for the tension in their marriage. Ironically, both he and she want to close the gap in their relationship but pride is insidious and it drives people to conquer their spouse and blame them. At least it’s not my fault we brag to ourselves. But as is the case with all sin, the momentary satisfaction is fleeting. Afterwards you realize you’re all alone and the victory was self-defeating. Set aside your pride and deal with the person in the mirror.
April 21, 2021
What do you do when your love associations differ?
In our book Building Love Together in Blended Families, Dr. Gary Chapman and I discuss how blended family love associations—meaning, the qualities or behaviors we associate with love—can be different on day one in a stepfamily. A stepchild may love their stepparent, but not respect their authority. A stepparent may love the children the same, but still find it awkward to hug their stepchild. When love associations collide, you get conflict. Recognize it takes time to merge definitions of love.
April 20, 2021
Kids, where do you put a stepparent in your heart?
Finding a place that doesn’t hurt Mom or Dad is tough. Dena could tell her stepdaughter felt disloyal to her mother and was paying an emotional price for liking her, so Dena gave her stepdaughter permission to let go of her. It was an act of love. My friend Laura Petherbridge says sometimes stepparents need to let go of the role they want to play and embrace the role they can play. Being used by God in strategic ways to bless a child—even if it doesn’t fulfill your dream—is a noble ministry.
April 19, 2021
So, if both parents die who gets your kids?
If you have minor children you need to answer that question. One dad wasn’t sure what to do. His wife had died and now he was getting married. So, if he dies, should the stepmother be their guardian or those he and his first wife designated long ago? Who will the child trust and who is best positioned to lead them? In the beginning of a blended family that’s likely not their stepparent but could become so in time. Don't base your decision on a dream but what’s real and happening in your home.
April 16, 2021
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Featured Offer
Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.