Pastor Rick's Daily Hope

Guest (Male): Everybody longs for deep, lasting love. But strong relationships don't just happen by accident. Today on Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, we're continuing our series called Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life. Rick Warren will share practical biblical wisdom for building healthier, stronger, Christ-centered relationships.

So whether you're single, dating, engaged, or married, this series will help you grow in love, communication, and lasting commitment. And now, here's Rick with the final part of a message called "How to Get a Marriage Makeover."

Rick Warren: Now, let me give you a little suggestion from 28 years in my own marriage: tackle one problem at a time. Don't try to solve them all at once. Take the easiest problem in your marriage to solve and solve that one. Then solve the next easiest, then solve the next easiest.

Get some wins under your belt. Get some successes under your belt before you start attempting the moderate problems and then the real big ones. Get some wins there first, and then you will accept responsibility for your marriage. Tom's going to talk about the next one.

Tom: The B in this marriage makeover stands for believe. Believe God can change my marriage. Believe that God can change my marriage. I don't know how you're feeling about your marriage right now.

Some of you, as you look at your marriage, may be feeling a sense of deep hurt about your marriage and what's been happening. Some of you may be feeling a sense of apathy. Some of you may be feeling a real sense of deep disappointment about your marriage. There may be some of you who are honestly feeling even with all this talk about marriage that it's hopeless right now. That there really is no hope for your marriage.

Regardless of how you feel about your marriage, let me tell you one truth: God has not given up on your marriage. God can do what we can't do. Look at this next verse in your outline. In fact, would you read it with me? Matthew 19:26: "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God, everything is possible." God can do what we cannot do.

Now, let's just be brutally honest for just a second. When I said just a moment ago, God has not given up on your marriage, some of you were thinking, "I wish he would." You really were. Because if God hasn't given up on my marriage, that means I can't give up. If only God would give up, then I'd have the freedom to give up on my marriage.

When I say God hasn't given up, some of you, it's like a clang. You heard the prison door shut one more time, the key lock. But instead of being angry at God for not giving up, instead of being angry at God for saying that he hates divorce, for just a second, ask yourself why. Why doesn't God give up on a marriage?

It's not because he wants to trap you. It's not because he wants to make your life miserable. It is because he has your best interest at heart. He hates divorce because he knows how it hurts his children. He wants your marriage to work because he knows the joy that it can bring to your life, a fulfilling and new relationship.

And so that's why God doesn't give up. That's why God continues to give us strength that we cannot find on our own. The real question is, right now, how are you looking at your marriage? From a human perspective? Yeah, maybe it does look impossible. Are you looking at it from God's perspective that he can do what we cannot do?

God can resurrect a dead marriage. God can resurrect a dead love life. God can resurrect dead finances. God can resurrect dead communication. He can do what we cannot do. So it begins with you and I believing that he can do that. Believe that God can change your marriage. And once you've done that, you're ready for C.

C is commit. Commit to doing whatever it takes. Galatians 6:9 says this: "Let us not get tired of doing what is right. For after a while," you might circle those words after a while. "After a while, we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't get discouraged and give up."

You ever hear anybody say, "Wow, look, they have a great marriage. Aren't they lucky?" You ever hear that? They're not lucky. You ever see somebody that has a great marriage, they'll tell you this: it didn't come out of luck. It came because they put a lot of effort into that relationship.

Great marriages don't just happen. And if your marriage is going to get better, if your marriage is going to begin to improve, if a good marriage that you have is even going to become a great marriage, it's going to take real effort. It takes humility. It takes honesty. It takes unselfishness.

It takes the willingness to admit that you're wrong. It takes the willingness to change. It takes persistence. It takes faith. More than anything, it takes time. Great relationships come out of all these things being applied over time.

If your relationship is in trouble, struggling right now, it didn't get there overnight, did it? It took a lot of time. And it's going to take a lot of time for it to begin to improve. That's just the honest truth of human life. A lot of people think, "I'm in this bad relationship, it's not working. If I could just get out of this relationship, get in a different relationship, everything would be better," not realizing that if you take you out of this relationship and you put you into this new relationship, you take you with you.

That's a problem because you're part of the problem. And once you and I begin to own that, then we can begin to work on the relationship that we're in right now. Don't give up too soon. The truth is it will cost you to have a great marriage. But it will cost you much, much more to go through a divorce. Just ask anyone who's gone through one. They'll tell you.

So put the effort in, the great effort. Now, if you're a normal human being, you're probably sitting there thinking, "I don't feel like it. I don't know where I'm going to find the emotional energy, honestly. I know that's a great idea, but where am I going to find the emotional energy to put that kind of effort into a relationship that I'm not sure I want to make work?"

Well, here's the two places you find the energy, the emotional energy to start to make the effort. You pray and you obey. You might write those two words down. You pray and you obey. You pray, you say, "God, I don't have the energy on my own. I need strength from you that I can't find on my own."

You make it a communication with God and then you obey. You say, "God, yeah, I know you have my best interest at heart. Help me to do what you've shown me to do. Just take one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, obeying you in this relationship." You do the right thing anyway. That's what maturity is all about.

Last week we talked about the fact that feelings always follow actions. When you pray and then you obey, then the feelings begin to come. Don't wait for the feelings first. They'll begin to come as you pray and you obey.

There's a fourth step, there's a D in this ABCDEF, and that is you deal with unresolved hurt. Deal with unresolved hurt. You do that two ways: by asking for forgiveness and by offering forgiveness. By asking for forgiveness, James 5:16 says this. Let's read it together: "Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

Admit to somebody that you're wrong. Ask forgiveness. Let me just give you a practical example of this. Suppose you have an unbelieving spouse. You may need to ask their forgiveness for being self-righteous or for being pushy.

You may be one of those people who so want them to know God, in trying to get them to know God, you have these little tricks like you put gospel tracts on the toilet. You know those kind of little tricks I'm talking about? And they're being pushed away from God and pushed away from you by your honest desire for them to know God.

Maybe you need to go to them and say, "I'm sorry. I admit out of this honest desire for you to know God, I've been pushy and I ask for your forgiveness for that." There's three little words we all have to learn to say in a relationship. In fact, these are very difficult words for some of you.

So we're going to practice them together, all right? The three words are "I was wrong." Let's say them together, okay? It's going to be tough for some of you, but let's try it, okay? "I was wrong." In fact, I want to say that together again in just a minute.

Some of you, you had an argument on the way to church today, you're sitting there thinking, "Why are we talking about this today after this argument?" What I want you to do when we say it again, you might want to just sneak your hand over to your husband or your wife and just squeeze their hand as we say this saying, "Hey, I'm saying I was wrong."

Let's say it one more time together. "I was wrong." There's something about those words that can heal a relationship in an incredible way. You ask for forgiveness, but then you also offer forgiveness. Colossians 3:13 says this, "Be gentle and ready to forgive. Never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you and so you must forgive others."

Your marriage will not make it without forgiveness on a daily basis. Chanda and I just this last week celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. And we got away for a week after our anniversary. We had the most wonderful time together.

As close as we are, we've never felt closer. When we got back, we were talking yesterday, we noticed as soon as we got back, as wonderful as our time away was, we began to disagree about things. See, while we were gone, the biggest decision of the day was what's for lunch. It's hard not to disagree about some of those things.

But when we got back, all of a sudden you're in real life. And in real life, you have real issues. You have real problems. And in a minute and let's just admit it, we're all real stubborn about real life. And because of that, you're going to have disagreements because you see things differently.

That's what life is like. And sometimes we say the wrong thing, sometimes we say hurtful things, sometimes we say things that are unthinking. And so forgiveness has to be a daily decision in a relationship. You have to offer forgiveness on a daily basis.

If you've decided I'm not going to forgive them, you are ruining your marriage because you need their forgiveness and they need your forgiveness on a daily basis. Now, there's an E in this process of a marriage makeover, and E stands for enlist support from others. Don't face it alone.

Enlist support from others. This is important because there's a lot of places you can find a lack of support. The truth is our culture tends to work against a successful marriage. You can find plenty of places, you can find plenty of people who will say to you, "Hey, just get out. Take the easy road. Don't go through this. You need to be happy."

All these phrases that make you feel like, well, maybe I should just get out. So you've got to find some people that will support your strengthening of your relationship. It may be a wise friend. It may be a church counselor.

It may be a marriage mentor, a couple that you find that has a great marriage that you decide to spend time with so that you can learn from them. I want to say something to you that you may not like hearing. And the truth is I don't like saying it, but in 25, 30 years of ministry, I've found it to be true.

Some of the worst people to go to when your marriage is in trouble are your parents. And here's why. You're their little boy. You're their little girl. And if you're hurting, they just want you to get out of that hurt.

I have seen some of the wisest parents who would give anybody else the greatest advice in the world give their kids the worst advice when they're facing marriage problems. Go to your parents for comfort, that's fine. But if you need advice to make it through, you're going to probably need to find some other people to give you the strength to make it through the tough times.

The Bible has a couple verses about the support and strength that we can find. Proverbs 24:3 says, "It takes wisdom to have a good family, and it takes understanding to make it strong." And Proverbs 19:20 says, let's read this verse together: "Get all the advice and instruction that you can."

Rick Warren: Now, I know that Tom and I have been a little tough on you today. We've been beating you up. But it's because we care about your marriage. We do. We really do. And we want Saddleback Church to be full of healthy, strong, growing, fulfilling marriages. And God wants that. And sometimes the truth hurts.

Kay and I were about that far away from a divorce. I mean, we were a hair's breadth away. We were in marital hell. And I remember in the depth of my despair, I cried out to God and I said, "God, I cannot make this marriage work. Nothing's working. I cannot make this marriage work. But I believe you can. So I'm not going to give up."

I look back now and I think I am so glad that we didn't give up. I'm so glad that I didn't give up. I am so glad that my wife Kay didn't give up. I am so glad that God did not give up on us because history would be permanently changed if we had given up.

I held my first granddaughter. And as I looked at that beautiful little baby girl, I thought, I am so glad we didn't give up. And when I look out on all of you, I think I'm glad we didn't give up. And when I think of the influence that you are having on other people and this church is having on the world, I think I'm glad we didn't give up. And I hope you won't either.

I hope you won't either. I hope you'll say, "I'm not going to give up." Some of you'd say, "You know, I would love for my marriage to work and I'm just too tired of trying. I've hit the brick wall too many times. I'm out of steam, I'm out of energy. I don't have anything left to give. I feel powerless to change my marriage."

Good. That's the first step to recovery. I admit my powerlessness. It's out of my control. God, I've got to give it to you. And that's why the most important step in a marriage makeover is this next one. Focus on trusting Jesus. Focus on trusting Jesus.

You've got to get him at the center of your life and marriage. And the easiest thing to do in life is to lose your focus. Hebrews 12:2 says we must focus on Jesus, the source and goal of our faith. I said it last week, I'm going to say it again. Marriage is a three-legged stool.

It takes three to make a marriage work: you, your spouse, and God. A two-legged stool is going to fall over. It has no stability. It takes three. God never meant for marriage to just be two. God meant for marriage to be three: you, your spouse, and God.

And you need to put Christ at the center of your life and at the center of your marriage. And my advice to you, whether you're in harmony or whether you're in hostility or whether you're in apathy, is give it to God. The Bible says this: "God who is at work within you will give you the will and the power to achieve his purpose."

Now, you may need some counseling, you may need to get in a small group, you may need to read some Christian books on marriage, but what you really need is Christ at the center of your life. Because if Jesus is in you and Jesus is in your spouse, Jesus gets along with Jesus. There's no problem there.

You say, "But I don't love him anymore." Well, so what? That makes it sound like it's uncontrollable, like I can't help myself. Love is a choice. Just like happiness is a choice. You choose to love the people you love and you choose to not love the people you don't love. It's a choice. It's not like it's out of your control. And if you choose to love, the feelings will return.

You say, "I just don't have a heart for it." Look at the next verse: "God says I'll give you a new heart and I'll put a new spirit within you." Now some of you are thinking, "I married the wrong person at the wrong time in the wrong way. What should I do? Leave them and divorce?"

God says no. You made a vow. Let me do a miracle makeover. I will change you, I will change your partner, and I will give you the marriage you have always dreamed of if you'll let me do it, if you'll do it my way.

God can do that. I received this prayer in a card somebody wrote and dropped in a basket a while back. It says, "Dear Lord, thank you for taking my sinful decision in choosing a spouse and making it into a beautiful thing. Only your power could rectify the poor decisions I've made. You've cleansed our marriage and blessed us with love and joy. And Lord, I praise you because of you today, I'm a more beautiful person than I was. Thank you."

It's not that you married the wrong person. It's that you're just doing marriage in the wrong way. Let me pray for you. Let's bow our heads.

Father, there are many couples here today who are struggling. Would you please help them? And there are those who are here today who are separated from each other. Would you help them? And there are others here today who are considering divorce. Would you help them? And there are those who stayed together, but there's no spark anymore. Would you help them?

Now you pray. Say, "Dear God, I want to accept responsibility for my part of the marriage. I'm going to quit blaming and fantasizing and wondering if only. I'm going to stop criticizing and comparing. Instead, I want to believe that you can change my marriage. And today, I commit to doing whatever it takes.

If that means getting counseling and making radical changes, then give me the strength to do it. Help us to deal with unresolved hurt. Give me the courage to ask forgiveness for what I've done wrong and the grace to offer forgiveness for how I've been hurt. I don't want to grow into an old, bitter person.

Help us to get some support in a small group to get help and wise counsel. But most of all, Jesus, we need you in the middle of our marriage. You are the glue that can hold us together and do the miracle makeover. So today, Jesus, I ask you to save me and save my marriage. Make me a new person. Give me a new marriage. Put us back together not in the old way, but in a brand new way for the rest of our lives. In Jesus' name, amen."

Now, friends, if you just prayed to accept Jesus Christ in your life, I'd love to hear about it. Please let me know about it. You know, if you get married, you want to tell other people about it. If you give your life to Christ, you want to tell other people about it.

So just email me, okay? Please. rick@pastorrick.com. It's pretty easy to remember: rick@pastorrick.com. And let me know your story if you've accepted Christ into your life. We'll send you some free tools that will help you get started on your spiritual journey.

Guest (Male): What a special message from Pastor Rick. And now, let's hear how lives are changing through Daily Hope. Here's Rick with a letter from one of our listeners.

Rick Warren: You know, we get letters and emails from people all around the world and from all ages. And here's one that I got from a listener in Indonesia. His name is Steven, and he's 12 years old.

He wrote, "Dear Pastor Rick, thank you for the powerful way that you've impacted my life. I'm just a 12-year-old schoolboy in Jakarta, Indonesia, but I listen to the broadcast every morning on the way to school. My life has changed completely this year. I'm at a new school and my family's just about recovered from some financial problems, but I'm still having to learn a whole new way of life.

Some days are really feel bad and I ask God to help me. But then the Daily Hope broadcast comes on the radio and you always say something that helps me feel better, and I know that at that moment, God is trying to speak directly to me through you. So thank you ever so much."

Well, thank you ever so much, Steven. I love hearing from people like you literally all around the world who've been impacted through Daily Hope. You know, by the way, I want to thank all of those of you who support us regularly with your financial gifts every month. We can't do this without you.

But because of you, we're able to minister to people like this 12-year-old boy, Steven, in Jakarta, Indonesia. You're never going to know this side of heaven the number of lives that you have impacted because of your gifts to Daily Hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you. When we get to heaven, we're all going to rejoice and see the results there.

Guest (Male): If you'd like to help support Pastor Rick's Daily Hope with convenient automated monthly giving, just go to pastorrick.com or text the word HOPE to 70309. And when you do, we'll send you a very special welcome gift to say thanks.

Again, that's pastorrick.com or just text the word HOPE to 70309. And thank you so much for your support. Be sure to join us next time as we look into God's word for our daily hope. This program is sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial support.