Pastor Rick's Daily Hope

Guest (Male): Hello and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope with Rick Warren. We are so glad you're here with us today. We're going to continue our series called The Keys to a Blessed Life. In these messages, Rick walks through Jesus' Sermon on the Mount and shows us how to live a truly hopeful and purpose-filled life. We'll now hear the final part of How to Reconcile a Relationship.

Pastor Rick Warren: Yesterday, I was abducted by a group of young men in our church who took me to San Diego to Comic-Con. It was a blast. I wanted to go as Batman, but Kay wouldn't let me. There were 100,000 people at Comic-Con. I mean everybody's there. All of the superheroes are there, all the great TV shows, all the science fiction, all the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Star Wars, and Star Trek. There are 100,000 people at this place and about 10% of them are dressed up. It was just a lot of fun.

As 100,000 people were going into the convention center in San Diego, there were two guys, obviously Christians, standing there with giant yellow signs with frowns on their faces, clearly not enjoying it. They weren't saying a word to anybody, just standing there looking angry. They were what I call "turn or burn, you'll die and fry while we go to the sky" signs. One of them said, "Repent or go to hell," or something like that. The other one said, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you'll be saved."

The fact is both of those are true, but they were not speaking the truth in love. It's true. I do need to repent. It is true I do need to accept what Jesus Christ did for me on the cross. I guarantee you nobody got saved yesterday from those signs. Not one single person. Why? Because they were speaking the truth, but they were not speaking the truth in love. Does this make sense?

It's not just what you say. It's how you say it. Sometimes you watch these preachers on TV and you know they've got an anger management issue. They're out of whack with their wives at home, and they're angry at their wives, and then they come to church every weekend and are spiritually vomiting on everybody else. They feel really good, but everybody else goes home feeling a little sticky.

I mean, you take the truth of God's Word, but you wrap it in love. For instance, the Bible says in Romans 3:23, "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." I could teach that truth to you two different ways. I could shout it to you in anger. I could say it like this: "All have sinned and all have come short of the glory of God!" You'd go home thinking, "Rick yelled at me. I don't like that." Is that the way Jesus would quote Romans 3:23, shouting like he was happy we're all going to hell in a handbasket?

Jesus would say it like this, kind of matter-of-factly. I think he'd say it with a broken heart. I think he would look out at the world and go, "All have sinned. Everybody's blown it. Everybody's messed up. Nobody bats a thousand. We've all sinned. Everybody comes short of the glory of God. I don't measure up to my own standards, much less God's." I think that's the way he'd say it.

You see the difference in that? It's the same truth, but it's the way it is shared. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. The Bible says in Ephesians 4:29, "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed." That's one of the greatest verses on parenting you can ever learn. It applies in marriage or in friendship. Don't use harmful words.

In your marriage, you're a sinner and your spouse is a sinner. Two imperfect people cannot make a perfect relationship. So you're going to have conflict. You're going to fight, you're going to argue, and you're going to have conflict the rest of your marriage. The question is, are you going to fight fair or not? You need to establish some ground rules so you don't destroy yourselves in the inevitable conflict of life. You need to take some words that are inflammatory and say, "Sorry, these are off-limits. We're just not going to use these words."

There are certain words you can use that trigger your spouse and enrage them. There are certain words your spouse uses on you that can trigger you into rage or depression. You need to take them off the table and say, "Fighting fair, we're not going to use these words in our marriage." One of them is the threat of divorce. You're not going to say, "Well, then we'll get a divorce." You need to close the escape hatch of your marriage. You need to lock it with a key and throw the key away and say, "We're going to make this marriage work if it kills us." It may, but it will keep you going further.

During the Cold War between the communist East and the capitalist West, between the Soviet Union and its allies and the United States and its allies, even in the height of the Cold War from the 1950s on to about when the Berlin Wall fell in 1989, both sides agreed that some weapons were off-limits. We called them WMDs, weapons of mass destruction. We said we may fight, we may argue, and we may have conflict, but we're not going to use the big one.

Neither side is going to drop the atomic bomb because of what was called MAD, mutually assured destruction. Both the Soviet Union and America and our allies all knew that if one atomic bomb was dropped, it was over for the world. It was going to destroy the whole place. You need to ban the weapons of mass destruction from your marriage. There are certain words you just need to say are off-limits. You need to make a list of them and agree that even if you are so mad and so upset, you are just not going to use these words. Do not use harmful words. You need to learn to fight fair.

This leads me to the sixth step: fix the problem, not the blame. This is the sixth key to resolving conflict and restoring relationships. Like I said, this is worth thousands of dollars of counseling. Fix the problem, not the blame. You need to learn to attack the issue, not each other. You need to realize that you're both on the same team. Anytime you're busy fixing the blame, you are wasting energy not fixing the problem. If you want exhibit A of this, look at Washington, DC.

The president blames the Congress for everything that's going wrong, and the Congress blames the White House for everything that's going wrong, and nothing is getting done. Why? Because as I've said many times, you spell blame B-L-A-M-E. Right now, everybody in DC is being lame. They're blaming each other, and as long as you're busy fixing the blame, you are not fixing the problem. As long as you're attacking each other, you're not attacking the issues.

God is very, very specific about the kind of words that are out of bounds. You don't say, "But you did this, but you did that." That blame game is a waste of time. Stop fixing the blame and start fixing the problem. Do you have a problem with sex in your marriage? Finances in your marriage? In-laws? Children? Work schedules? Stop fixing the blame and start fixing the problem.

God is very specific about the kind of words that are out of bounds. Colossians 3:8 is just one example. I could give you dozens, but I don't have time. Let me just give you one. "You must rid yourself of these WMDs, these weapons of mass destruction, as all such things as these: angry rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips." He says in your marriage and in your relationships, no angry rage. In other words, you should never try to intimidate anybody with anger. You never make threats. That doesn't work.

Malice means you say things that are intentionally designed to hurt, like, "You're just like your mother." Or labeling, belittling, or psychologizing: "Well, now I know why you did that." No, you don't. You can't even figure out your own motivation. How in the world would you figure out the motivation of anybody else? There's no way you can know anyone else's motivation because you don't even know your own half the time. And then no slander. That means no insults. No insults, no belittling, and no labeling. Fix the problem, not the blame.

The seventh step is to focus on reconciliation, not resolution. There's a big difference. Reconciliation means re-establishing the relationship. We bury the hatchet. It doesn't mean we remarry if you're with an ex. It just means we're at peace with each other. I'm not holding on to any hurt, and you're not holding on to any hurt. We've buried the hatchet. Reconciliation means to re-establish a relationship.

Resolution means we resolve every disagreement. That isn't going to happen. The truth is there are some things in your marriage and in your friendship and with other people that you're just never going to agree on because we're all different. But you can disagree without being disagreeable. That's called maturity. That's called wisdom. That's called Christlikeness. We can have unity without uniformity. We can walk hand-in-hand together without seeing eye-to-eye.

Kay and I don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of different things, but we walk hand-in-hand. This next year will be our 40th year of marriage. You can have reconciliation without resolution. Here's what I've learned from counseling marriages: if you focus on restoring the relationship, oftentimes the issue becomes insignificant. How many of your biggest arguments were over the smallest things? They weren't really about that. You need to get back to focusing on the relationship.

Let me wrap it up. Here's my challenge to you as your pastor who loves you. Our world is filled with conflict. Pick up the newspaper, and it's everywhere. In a world where there is constant conflict, wars, division, argumentation, stress between people, prejudices, and racism, we have everything from violence and tribalism and terrorism and people getting in each other's faces and partisanism. People are attacking each other constantly. As a result, we have broken relationships, a broken economy, a broken government, broken marriages, and we have broken lives and broken hearts.

My challenge to you as your pastor is that you will commit to becoming an agent of reconciliation in a world filled with conflict. You will become a bridge builder, not a wall builder. You will look for ways to bring people together rather than tear them up. It is not by accident that the first letter of Saddleback's PEACE Plan, P, stands for "Promote reconciliation and plant churches." This is your ministry.

Let me show you what the Bible says. 2 Corinthians 5:18-20 says this: "God has restored our relationship with him." In other words, God made us his friends. We were estranged, we were unreconciled, and God has reconciled us to himself through Christ. Jesus died for our sins. He says, "And now he has given us this ministry of restoring relationships." Your ministry, if you are a Christian, is the ministry of restoring relationships. Your ministry is the ministry of reconciliation. Your ministry is doing everything I just taught you how to do.

God was in Christ restoring his relationship with humanity. He was reconciling us to himself. He did not hold people's faults against them, and you shouldn't either. He has given us this message. The message is restored relationships to tell others. You know what those guys at Comic-Con should have had? They should have had a sign that said, "God has forgiven you and wants you to be his friend. Jesus Christ loves you so much he'd rather die than live without you. He has broken down the barrier and the wall, and he wants you to be reconciled to him."

God wants a relationship with you, and then he wants to give you that relationship to others. The message of restored relationships is to tell others. We are Christ's representatives. We beg you on behalf of Christ to become reunited with God. That's what it means to be a witness. It means to go out in society and say, "Hey, man, God's done everything to put you back in fellowship with him. He's already paid for all your sins. You don't have to be his enemy. He's not mad at you. He's mad about you. Be reconciled to God. Be at peace with God and then spread that peace with everybody else." If you do that, the Bible says this: "God blesses those who are peacemakers. They will be called the children of God."

Let's bow our heads. Do you need to plan a peace conference this week? Do you need to pick up the phone and mend a relationship that's been starved or strangled or strained or even deeply broken? Take these steps. It takes courage. Tell God, "I want to be a peacemaker this week. I want my prayers answered, I want happiness, I want to be in fellowship with you, so I want to restore the relationships that have been broken. God, I'm scared to death. Help me."

Do you need to make a peace plan for your home and make a list of the WMDs where you go, "These are off-limits for us. Let's agree that we're never going to use these words again in our marriage"? Maybe you've never made peace with God. If you're at war with God and you've never received Jesus Christ as your savior, you need the peace of God so you can have the peace of God. Say in your heart, "Jesus Christ, I admit that I've made many mistakes and I need your forgiveness."

The biggest mistake is I've tried to run my life without you. I've tried to pretend like I was God and I'm sorry. I humbly ask you, Jesus, to save me. I ask you to come into my life. Fill me with your peace and your love so I can share your peace and love with others. As pastor, I pray for these people, these dear people, that we would become agents of reconciliation in a world of conflict. Where there is strife, that we might bring peace. I pray this, giving you the glory and asking for you to give us the courage and love. I pray this blessing in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

If you just prayed that prayer for the very first time, or you just recommitted your life to Jesus again today, would you let me know about it? There's something real about sharing your commitment. Write me at rick@pastorrick.com and say, "Rick, I prayed that prayer of commitment. I gave my life to Christ." I'll send you some material that'll help you on your journey with Jesus, and I'll also pray for you. God bless you.

Guest (Male): Hey, thanks for listening to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. Right now, Pastor Rick is back with a special message.

Pastor Rick Warren: Hi everybody, this is Pastor Rick. I would like to thank you. Thank you for being a part of our Daily Hope family. I don't get to say that often enough, but your generosity is helping us share the hope of Jesus with people here at home and literally all around the world, even in places where it's difficult and even dangerous to get the good news. I recently heard from a woman named Eunice in Cameroon. Cameroon is a country in Central Africa. She wrote to me and said, "Pastor Rick, I lost both of my son and daughter in the war. And now I'm raising four grandchildren on my own. I was overwhelmed with grief."

Through the Daily Hope devotionals, I have found strength and comfort and peace in God's word. Thank you for helping me hold on to hope. Wow. That's powerful. That happened because your giving is helping Eunice find the strength to carry on, to raise her grandchildren, and to keep trusting God even through the deep loss of her kids.

Right now, I wanted to tell you about this because we have a special opportunity. There're some generous friends who have offered a matching grant. What that means is whatever you give will be doubled. They'll match it. That means whatever you give today will go twice as far to reach even more people with God's word. Can I ask you a favor? I want to encourage you to give your best gift you can today. Together, let's keep bringing the hope of Jesus Christ to people like Eunice and to the billions of other people who still need to hear.

There are still people who have never heard the name of Jesus. We want to keep expanding to get the message to the whole world. So help us out. Let me just close by saying I love you. I thank God for you and I am so grateful that we are in this mission together. God bless you.

Guest (Male): Hey, if you'd like to support Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, just go to pastorrick.com. That's pastorrick.com. Or you can text the word hope to 70309. That's the word hope to 70309. Really, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you so much for your support. Your gift to Daily Hope helps us share the hope of Christ with people everywhere. Be sure to join us next time when we look into God's word for our daily hope. This program is sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial support.