Pastor Rick's Daily Hope

Guest (Male): Hello and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope with Rick Warren. We are so glad you're here with us today. We're going to continue our series called The Keys to a Blessed Life. Now, in these messages, Rick walks through Jesus's Sermon on the Mount and shows us how to live a truly hopeful and purpose-filled life. And here's part three of how to reconcile a relationship.

Pastor Rick Warren: Here's what Jesus says. Notice this verse, Matthew 7, verses 3 and 5. Same Sermon on the Mount. He says, “Why do you notice the little speck of dust in your friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? First, take the wood out of your own eye and then you'll be able to see clearly,” that's the blind spots, “to take the dust out of your friend's eye.”

Now, guys, you don't understand this because 2000 years later we don't understand Hebrew humor, but that sentence is a joke. It's humor. You may not realize this, but the Sermon on the Mount is filled with laugh lines. Jesus told a lot of jokes, and He used a lot of humor in His preaching. We just don't understand it because we don't think in Hebrew humor from 2000 years ago.

Hebrew humor is humor by exaggeration. And so Jesus is, when He would tell stuff, He would awfully throw in a laugh line. The Sermon on the Mount is filled with some funny stuff. We just don't get it. For instance, when Jesus says, “You've heard this one, it's easier for the camel, a camel, to go through an eye of a needle than for a rich man to hold on to his money and to get into heaven.”

Now, when Jesus said that, they died laughing. They go, “Oh, Lord, that's a good one. A camel going through an eye of a needle. Yeah, right.” That's, you know, that's obviously impossible. Okay. And they're like, “Oh, Lord, that you're too funny, that's hilarious.” You know. When Jesus says, “Hey, you know those religious leaders over there, they strain at a gnat and then they swallow a camel.” “Oh, Lord, you're killing me, Lord. That's too much. This guy should be on Comedy Club, you know, try the liver. I'm here till Friday. I mean, it's great.”

You know, “Oh, Lord, that's just too funny. Strain at a gnat and swallow a camel.” It's a funny line. Now, we don't get it. We're going, “Now, the meaning, Greek meaning of the word gnat.” Right over our heads. Totally oblivious to what Jesus is using humor and sarcasm to make a point.

And here He's saying, “Hey guys, before you get the speck of sawdust out of your wife's eye, why don't you get the telephone pole out of yours?” “Oh, Lord, you're killing me. Oh, too much. Please stop. I'm dying. I'm dying.” You know. He's telling humor. Now, here's the point. He's saying, “You need to confess your part of the conflict first.” So I need to say, when I come to you in this peace thing, I don't start with you. I don't start with all the ways you've hurt me. We'll get to that. We'll get to that.

But I just start with me and I go, “Have I been unrealistic?” Now I'm asking myself. “Am I being insensitive?” That's caused conflict. “Am I being over-sensitive?” That's caused conflict. “Am I being ungrateful?” I just haven't showed gratitude to this person, and that's hurting. “Am I being over-demanding?” You just do an honest evaluation. You say, “What are my blind spots?”

All right. Then, once you've done that, you've confessed your part of the problem. Number four. I listen for their hurt and perspective. I listen for their hurt and their perspective. Now, it's very important I listen for hurt because there's always hurt in a conflict. We think we argue over ideas, but we actually argue over emotion. We argue over feelings. And any time there's a conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt.

Somebody felt abused. Somebody felt slighted. It's not the idea that causes the conflict. It's the emotion behind the idea. How many times have you heard me say, “Hurt people hurt people”? In other words, the more I'm hurting, the more I lash out at everybody else. People who aren't hurting, don't hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving to others. People who are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who are at peace are at peace with everybody else.

But if I'm hurting inside, I'm going to hurt you. And the more I hurt, the more I'm going to hurt you. The more I'm going to lash out. The people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least. The people who are most obnoxious and irritating and just you don't even want to be around them, those are people who need massive doses of love. Hurt people hurt people.

“My mom hurt me.” Well, you need to know why she was hurting. “My dad hurt me.” You need to know the hurt that caused him to hurt you. Hurt people hurt people. Now, I want to tell you, this principle, it doesn't matter if it's in a marriage, or if it's in the marketplace, or if it's in the Middle East. When people feel they're not listened to, when people feel slighted, when people are robbed of their dignity, they get mad.

Doesn't matter if it's on the border, or if it's in Ukraine, or anywhere else that there's a conflict. When people feel their dignity is destroyed, when people feel they're not being listened to, they're not being paid attention to, they're not being valued, they get mad, like a cat pushed back into a corner. And if you want to connect with people, you must start with their needs, their hurts, and their interests.

You want to be a good salesman? You don't start with your product. You start with their need, their hurts, and their entrance. Interest. You want to be a good professor, or pastor, or anything. You start with their needs, their hurts, their interest. Not what you have to share, but what they need.

And if you want to connect with people, that's where it starts. So you listen for their hurt, and you're actually listening behind the words. It's not what they say in an argument that you need to listen to. You need to listen to the emotion behind the words. Emotion's far more important, because people will say one thing, but they're feeling something else.

Like, “How are you doing?” “I'm fine.” “I'm fine” means, “I'm not fine” in a lot of cases. James chapter 1 verse 19 says this: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Now, if you do the first two, the third is automatic. If you are quick to listen and you are slow to speak, you will be slow to get angry. On the other hand, if you have a trigger temper, and you get angry really fast, I'll tell you why. It's because you're not quick to listen and you're not slow to speak.

In fact, you're quick to speak and slow to listen, and that's why you get angry. How many times have I told you God gave you two ears and one mouth? You should always listen twice as much as you speak. This is the next step in conflict management. You listen to their hurt and you listen to their perspective, because you don't know their perspective. That's why there's conflict.

I want you to write this down: always listen before speaking. Always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always listen before speaking. This is the key to diffusing conflict. You listen before you speak, and then people feel validated. When your ears are actually love organs. Because when you speak, you're showing love by listening to them.

Now, so are your eyes. When you look at people and you pay attention, you're saying, “You matter to me, you're valuable, you're worth my attention.” Philippians 2:4 and 5 says this: “Each of you should look.” Circle the word look, we'll come back to that in a minute. “Each of you should look, not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others. And your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”

What is He saying? You intentionally switch your focus from your needs to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with the way you look at the situation, the way you see it. That word look there, he said, “Don't just look at your own needs, look at the needs of the person you're having a problem with.” That word look is the Greek word skopos. We get the word microscope. You look at little things that you don't normally see.

Telescope, you look at stars you can't see up close. Skopos means to focus. Focus. And it says, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ.” You are most like Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of somebody else, rather than your own. You are most like Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of somebody else. Your child, your wife, your dad, your client. When you're focusing on somebody else's hurts instead of your own, that's when you're like Jesus.

When Jesus is on the cross, dying for the sins of all mankind, He's not focusing on His pain. He's saying, “Father, forgive them, they don't know what they're doing.” He's still focusing on us even in the middle of His pain. So He says, “Focus, skopos. Try to see their perspective.” Before you go mouthing off on your hurt, your need. Those are legitimate, but go ahead and first try to focus on their perspective.

How do you do that? By paying attention. There's an old Chinese parable or proverb that says, “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” That's what Jesus is saying here. He's saying, “Before,” You see, we are so busy trying to get the person we're in conflict with to see our position, we're not listening to theirs. We're so busy speaking, we're not listening to theirs. And we're, we're, we're, as a result, we move further and further away.

Now, let's just take an example. The people that you work with, and you have some people you work with, and you think that one person, they are so irritating to me. I just, they, every time I get around them, my blood starts to boil. I just don't even like being around them. And the reason why is you don't skopos. You don't see their circumstance. You don't see their temperament, and you don't see their background.

The people that you work with, the more you understand them, the more patient you're going to be. The less you understand the people you work with, the more impatient you're going to be. Why? Because it is human nature when you're working with people that you tend, we tend to judge how far people have to go. We look at them and go, “Man, they got a long way to go before they start being mature.”

Instead of looking at how far they've come. When you look at how far they've come, then you start cutting them some slack. And if you skopos, you actually take the time to get to know that jerk and find out their temperament, their background, and, and, and the things that they're going through, their pressures, you'd cut them some slack. You go, “Man, if I had had a father like that, I'd probably be irritating too.”

If I had gone through all the difficulty they went through. If I had experienced that kind of prejudice. If I had experienced that kind of bigotry. If I had understood the hurt, if I had had that hurt in my life, I probably wouldn't be as far along as they are. Stop looking at how far people have to go and start looking at how far people have come, and then you're listening for their hurt and their perspective.

Now, there are two areas the Bible says that you are commanded by God to be patient with, to be understanding with, and to be considerate of when you're dealing with anybody else. It's in Romans chapter 15 verse 2. “We must be considerate of the doubts and fears of others.” Circle doubts and fears. “Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good and thus build him up in the Lord.”

Any time somebody does something that you go, “That doesn't make sense. Why in the world are they doing that?” It's almost always a fear. And if you just look at their behavior, you're going to be quite judgmental. But if you look at their fear and you find it out, you're going to be a whole lot more understanding. We are to be considerate of the doubts and fears of others. That'll make you more patient.

Here's the problem. My fears are perfectly rational and entirely normal. Your fears are stupid. They're irrational. They don't make sense. And that's the way we feel. My fears, there's a legitimate reason why I'm afraid of this, and you ought to be afraid too. You, on the other hand, your fears, “Nah, nah. Just you just poopoo them away.” Husbands, do you poopoo the fears of your wife?

“Honey, you shouldn't fear that way.” That's very helpful. Thank you. Listen, all fears are irrational. All fears, F.E.A.R. False Evidence Appearing Real. And mine are as irrational as yours are. We just have different ways of rationalizing them. You know what rationalized means? Rational lies. We tell ourselves rational lies.

“Mine are natural, yours are unnatural. Mine are normal, yours are unnormal. Mine are legitimate, yours are illegitimate.” No, we must be considerate of the doubts and fears of each other. And when you do that, the conflict is going to go down in your marriage. And the conflict's going to go down with your kids. And the conflict's going to go down with the people you work with, and your customers, and your clients.

Okay, number five. The fifth step, after I've, I've admitted my faults and I've listened for your hurts and perspective, now I speak the truth tactfully. Speak the truth tactfully. The truth sets you free, but you got to say it with love. You've got to say it with kindness. You've got to say it with tact. People say, “Well, I just tell it like it is.” That's called being rude.

It means you don't really care about other people. You just want to get it off your chest. Ephesians 4:15, “Speak the truth,” what? “In love.” The truth is not enough. It's not just what you say, it's how you say it. And if you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. You must always speak truth to your children in love. Parents, the moment you start yelling at your kids, they're not listening to a word you say.

All they're hearing is the emotion, and they will remember the emotion and will not remember the words. It doesn't work. You are never persuasive when you are abrasive. You never get your point across by being cross. You're upset with a waitress or the clerk or anything like that. Any time you start acting in an irritating way, they're not listening at all.

You must speak the truth in love. You never use truth as a club. People change faster and people change easier when the truth, and it's often difficult to receive the truth, when it's wrapped in love. I call it a truth burrito. You wrap it in love so that people can receive the hard truth. Truth without love is resisted. Truth with love is received. And so it's not just what you say, it's how you say it.

Now, the Bible says in Proverbs 12 verse 18, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Now, what's he saying there? In a conflict, foolish words hurt, and wise words heal, and it's your choice. You never get your point across by being cross. It's all in the way you say it.

Guest (Male): Such a great message by Rick today and every day. I sure hope you were just as encouraged as I was. And now, here's Rick with an important message.

Pastor Rick Warren: Hi everybody. Thanks so much for listening today. You know, my hope is that God uses this broadcast to help deepen your relationship with Jesus. Now, these daily hope messages are distributed on radio stations and digital platforms all across the globe, and listeners are writing and letting us know that their lives are being changed. They're telling us that they're walking with Jesus and that guilt and fear has been chased from their lives by God's love.

You know, relationships are being restored and marriages are being healed and many people are saying that they found their life purpose. I want to say thank you to you because we're only able to carry the hope of Jesus to these people all around the world because of gifts from generous listeners like you. I just wanted to say, I am so grateful for your prayers and your financial support.

Now, I understand in times like these, many of you are unable to give financial support. Hear it from me, that's okay. Because I never want anybody to give unless God leads them to give. That's between you and God. Not between you and me, but between you and God. And your prayers are a continual and incredible contribution to this Daily Hope ministry.

Now, if you do want to give a financial gift, I've got some really great news to share with you. There's a generous friend of Daily Hope broadcast who is offering to match the amount of your gift. In other words, if you give $20, then that person is combined with a grant to make your gift $40. Now, if you've never given a gift to Daily Hope, I want you to pray about partnering with us so that together we can continue to share the hope of Jesus throughout the whole world. I love you so much.

Guest (Male): Hey, if you'd like to support Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, just go to PastorRick.com. That's PastorRick.com, or you can text the word HOPE to 70309. That's the word HOPE to 70309. And really, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you so much for your support. Your gift to Daily Hope helps us share the hope of Christ with people everywhere. Hey, be sure to join us next time when we look into God's word for our daily hope. This program is sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial support.