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Guest (Female): This is Connect with Skip Heitzig. Thanks for joining us today. Here at Connect with Skip, we're passionate about helping you understand God's word and apply it to your everyday life through clear, practical Bible teaching. That's why we want to invite you to sign up for Pastor Skip's free weekly devotional. You'll receive biblical encouragement, ministry updates, and information about upcoming resources, all delivered right to your inbox. Sign up today at connectwithskip.com. That's connectwithskip.com. Now, let's dive into today's teaching from Pastor Skip Heitzig.

Skip Heitzig: I like to light a fire in the winter early in the morning. A real fire in a real fireplace so that when my wife gets up, she has a nice warm fire and a cup of coffee. But I have to put this barrier over my fireplace so that the cedar wood that I burn doesn't jump out, land on a chair or the carpet, and burn the house down. Fire in the fireplace is beautiful. Fire inside the living room and the kitchen and the bedroom is not so much. It can destroy. It can devastate and be destructive.

In Proverbs chapter five, also written by Solomon, he uses a different metaphor but the same idea. He says, "Drink water from your own cistern," speaking of the physical sexual relationship, "and running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth."

Meaning, sex in a marriage is like drinking pure water from a clear well. But sexual sin is like drinking polluted water from a sewer. One will delight you, the other will destroy you. One is a river, the other is a swamp. He notices she is passionate, but she is not promiscuous. She wants him, he can tell. She knows, but she won't chase him like the prostitutes would. She values purity. She is waiting for the right time for this passion to be unleashed. That's the idea of "Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." We have to wait for the right time.

Timing is a common pitfall I find among couples who are dating. Some decide to get married too quickly. We've known each other ten days. Wait a little longer, at least eleven. Now, you can be too long. I know couples that have been engaged for years and years. Come on, make a decision and get it over with. But somewhere between ten days and ten years, find a happy medium. You want to make the discovery and not jump too quickly. Or if you're getting out of a relationship, rebounding a second time too quickly. It's much easier to get into a relationship than it is to get through a relationship and live through it.

A study from Kansas State University discovered that there's a strong correlation between the length of time spent by couples dating their current spouses and current marital satisfaction. Couples who had dated for more than two years scored consistently high on marital satisfaction, while couples who had dated for shorter periods scored in a wide range from very high to very low. So there were inconsistent findings.

With Solomon and this Shulamite bride, the dating begins, the courtship begins, the betrothal begins. They are going steady. We would say they didn't say that, they said "we're betrothed." But then comes the wedding, and that takes us to chapter three. That takes us also to a third feature of the Shulamite bride, and that is she is desirous but she is not dominating.

I'm going to take you to chapter three, verse six, where we have the wedding procession. The Shulamite bride says in verse six, "Who is this coming out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense with all the merchant's fragrant powders? Behold, it is Solomon's couch with sixty valiant men around it, of the valiant of Israel. They all hold swords, being expert in war. Every man has his sword on his thigh because of fear in the night. Of the wood of Lebanon, Solomon the king made himself a palanquin. He made its pillars of silver, its support of gold, its seat of purple, its interior paved with love by the daughters of Jerusalem. Go forth, oh daughters of Zion, and see King Solomon with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his espousals, the day of the gladness of his heart."

This is the wedding ceremony. The Shulamite bride is in Jerusalem, she's decked out. She sees the entourage in the distance coming toward her, this wedding procession as Solomon the king enters Jerusalem for his wedding. It must have been a long, drawn-out procession. By the way, this building is pretty long. And when we used to have the center row all the way down, and I've done a lot of weddings here, that bride has to take—and they've told me—it is the longest walk from the back of the sanctuary to the front of this platform where everybody's looking at you. It's so long, it's like you could hitchhike to get up here. It's that far away. It's long and it's drawn out, and I've always thought that's good.

It's good because the groom's up here seeing every step she's taking, he's sweating it out. But the idea of something that is intentional and deliberate, and everybody's looking at every step that you're taking, it's a good thing to think that through and take your time. So it's a long, deliberate decision. She's noticing this entourage coming: sixty valiant men, armed guardsmen, and servants of the king. She notices that her husband-to-be is wearing a crown because he is the king. Yes, he is her love. Yes, he is her groom. This is her husband-to-be, but he's also the king. Not only their king, but her king as well.

She makes notice of that, and what this tells me is that she knows his responsibility and she's going to have to be okay with that. She knows that as the king, he's going to have to divide his responsibilities and time management, and that's going to take some time away from her. She doesn't want that to divide their hearts, but she does notice that as reality. All of that to say this: healthy couples love being together but also respect each other's roles and responsibilities. They've learned to balance personal life and professional life. They allow for those kind of boundaries. They're not enmeshed. They foster separate identities. Yes, they are Mr. and Mrs. Yes, they love being together, but they individuate as well. This includes professionally, could include hobbies, could include things for individual growth.

Many spouses have to make time sacrifices because of their spouse's responsibility. If you're married to a doctor, that doctor might have to be on call a lot or have late surgeries that take time away from the family. If you're married to a truck driver and that truck driver's going across the country a lot, you'll be spending a lot of time away. In law enforcement, there are time demands.

I remember when Billy Graham was alive and his wife Ruth Graham was alive. Billy Graham was traveling around the world preaching the gospel to stadiums. A reporter interviewed Mrs. Graham, Ruth, and they said, "What's it like being married to Billy Graham?" Now, Billy Graham was sometimes gone away from his wife for seven months a year because of time commitments. She didn't like that, but she loved that he was walking in the Lord's will and was willing to make those sacrifices. She said very candidly to the reporter, "To be honest, it's hard, and I get very lonely sometimes." She said, "What I do when I get lonely is I go into Bill's closet and I get one of his sports coats and I bring it to bed with me so I can feel like he's close." The reporter's getting misty-eyed at that, and then Ruth Graham said, "But I'd rather have Billy Graham fifty percent of the time than any other man a hundred percent of the time." She had learned to manage those roles and responsibilities.

So this Shulamite bride desires Solomon but will not dominate Solomon. When they are together, they are together, and she knows that his attention will be focused on her and her alone. That takes us to chapter four, which is the honeymoon, the wedding night. They're together in body and mind and soul. I'm not going to get into the particulars of that, not because I'm embarrassed to do so, but I've already done so. In fact, I did two weeks straight in these verses, and so you can look that up at another time. But she is desirous yet not dominating.

Let me take you to a fourth and final feature. She is irritated but she is not inflexible. Irritated but not inflexible. That takes us to chapter five and six, the last part of the book, which is the marriage, but in particular, a conflict in the marriage. So get this. In chapter five, verse one, it is still the honeymoon. But in verse two of chapter five, the honeymoon is over.

Guest (Female): You're listening to Connect with Skip Heitzig. Every day, friends like you help connect people around the world to the life-changing truth of God's word through clear, verse-by-verse Bible teaching. And this month, we'd like to thank you with a practical resource designed for the challenges of everyday life. When you give, you'll receive Biblical Wisdom for Everyday Living, a collection of four lifestyle booklets from Pastor Skip Heitzig. Through Pray This Way, Technicolor Joy, Unforgiveness: Forgiveness vs. Sweet Revenge, and Standing Firm in Unsettling Times, you'll discover biblical wisdom for prayer, joy, forgiveness, and finding peace when life feels uncertain. We'll send this special collection as our thanks when you give thirty dollars or more to support Connect with Skip Heitzig. Call 800-922-1888 or visit connectwithskip.com/offer. Now, let's return to today's teaching.

Skip Heitzig: Verse two, notice she says, "I sleep but my heart is awake." Ever been there? You're tossing and you're turning, you get a little sleep, you wake up, something's bothering you. "I sleep but my heart is awake. It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks." So she's sleeping, not with him, but alone. He's on the outside of the door. He knocks, saying, "Open for me, my love, my dove, my perfect one; for my head is covered with dew, my locks with the drops of the night."

There is some conflict. Most all commentators will say that they had some kind of a marital spat. We don't know what it is, it is not described, but some kind of a conflict, a personality adjustment, argument about in-laws, fill in the blanks. Some kind of conflict. And it is unresolved. So she is sleeping by herself. Solomon's outside the door but knocking, and that sort of complicates the matter because you have an unresolved conflict and now you have Solomon knocking on the door to get in, who wants to make love to his wife. It doesn't go very well, you'll notice. He says, "My dove, my perfect one, my head is covered with dew, locks the drops of the night."

And she says, "I have taken off my robe; how can I put it on again? I have washed my feet; how can I defile them?" Really? I mean, I have to actually get up and walk over to the door? "My beloved put his hand by the latch of the door, and my heart yearned for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh on the handles of the lock. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had turned away and was gone."

She's in bed, she's trying to get some sleep, she's tossing and turning. Solomon comes home. He's in a romantic mood, knocking at the door. "Hey baby, let me in." She's not feeling it. "I gotta get up and put my robe on? I'm gonna get my feet dirty?" So it's a very, I'd say, less than enthusiastic response. Let's put it that way. She's kind of groggy, that's her answer.

Let me just give a caution to men. If there is unresolved conflict in your relationship with your wife, a sexual advance is never a good idea. If you have unresolved conflict, she is not looking at you as a hunka-hunka burning love. She wants to fix the problem. In fact, one wise counselor said, "If you want to have an energized sex life in marriage, try a little tenderness during the other twenty-three and a half hours of the day." You've got to get that right first.

Dopamine might have attracted them at the beginning, but tonight she's seeing just a dope outside the door. She doesn't want to get up and let him in. By verse six, she gets up and gets around to answering the door. She opens the door, Solomon's gone. He gives up. From this point on to the rest and the end of the book, it's about conflict resolution. Tell you why I'm underlining that. If you look at the whole of the book where you're dealing with the dating relationship, the marriage ceremony, and the marriage itself, twenty-five percent of the book is dealing with fixing a conflict. Conflict management, conflict resolution.

Now conflict is normal in any relationship with anyone. Discord in every marriage is normal, even the most what you would consider perfect or idyllic marriage. Diane Sollee, who is with the Coalition for Marriage and Family, shares this important truth. She said happy couples who stay married have the same number of conflicts as divorced couples. Same number. It's common to all people. Happy couples who stay married have the same number of conflicts as divorced couples. What makes the difference is not the absence of conflict but the ability to manage the conflict. You've got to get that managed, you've got to work on conflict management.

Again, I mentioned Ruth and Billy Graham. Somebody asked Ruth Graham, "Do you ever consider divorce?" And she immediately said, "Absolutely not. Divorce, never. Murder, yes; divorce, no." Funny answer. So there's conflict and there's always conflict for two basic reasons. You have two humans. Humans are sinners, and marriage is essentially the union of two sinners together, so you need two forgivers in that marriage. And because we are different. You cannot have two strong, independent individuals without some kind of tension. Okay, so she's irritated, right? We get that. She's irritated with her husband, but she is not inflexible. So eventually she goes up, she goes out, she wants to get it right and resolve it. He's gone.

So verse seven, she leaves her abode and she goes looking for him. Verse seven of chapter five: "The watchmen who went about the city found me," so she's out in town now. "They struck me, they wounded me; the keepers of the walls took my veil away from me. I charge you, oh daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am lovesick." So she's out in the city. The watchmen, the guards, they don't know it's Mrs. Solomon. They don't have modern streetlights. It's dark in Jerusalem. There's a few torches and candles, they cannot make out her features. They probably think it's a prostitute, so it doesn't go well.

After she looks for him and tells her entourage, the other women, "If you find him, tell him I'm lovesick. I want to get this right." Then we have a reunion, and that takes us to chapter six. Look at chapter six, just the first few verses. This is now the return of Solomon. The daughters of Jerusalem say, "Where has your beloved gone, oh fairest among women? Where has your beloved turned aside, that we may seek him with you?" Finally, she speaks. "My beloved has gone to his garden, to the beds of spices, to feed his flock in the gardens, to gather lilies. I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. He feeds his flock among the lilies." He's home. He's back.

"Oh my love," he says, "you are as beautiful as Tirzah, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners." By the way, he said the same thing when they were dating, so they're getting mushy again like they did when they first met. This is reunion. This is the reconciliation. They, whatever the issue was, walked through it and worked out their differences, which is the goal. When there is a conflict in your relationship, you have one goal, and it's not to win the argument. If you win the argument, you lose. When you have a couple, a husband and wife that are married to each other, if somebody wins the fight, somebody loses the fight, which means both of you lose. So the goal is not to win the fight. The goal is to win a friend. Win a friend.

You know, it's interesting that most couples don't really have significant conflict, a real fight, until after they're married. Very few engaged people will fight like married couples. Couple of reasons for that. First of all, everything before marriage is voluntary. Everything after marriage is compulsory. And the covenant that you have made boxes you in, you might say. The permanence of this relationship can force and bring the worst out in you.

There's another reason. When people are dating, I hate to say this but it's true, they're often acting. They're selling the other person on them. So you look a certain way, you act a certain way because it's like a campaign, you're running for office. And if you know how politicians act, they'll say anything to anyone because they want your vote. And so dating in our culture can sort of be like campaigning, but once they're voted into office, now you have to learn to manage the conflicts that will inevitably arise.

I wanted to close with showing who I voted into office. This is our wedding day many years ago. Here we are, we're looking into each other's eyes, but I like this picture because what it shows me is that in a marriage, as you are looking into each other's eyes, you are also making a promise to never overlook them. To never not see them, but to ever understand them and walk with them through the highs and lows of life. Not to overlook them.

One final note as we close. A lot of people see this book, the Song of Solomon, as an allegory. I think it might have some application, but primarily I see it as literal. It's a husband and wife, it's a couple. But some people like to interpret it as an allegory of Jesus Christ and the church because we're called the bride of Christ. And that is also true. It's true that the relationship that God wants with us is one of intimacy, not formality. A love relationship where you feel never overlooked but doted on by the Lord your God. He delights in you, he loves you, and he courts you. He draws you out like a dove, and you trust in him, and you have that personal relationship.

And it needs to be said as we close this service this morning, if you do not have that kind of a relationship with the living God, you are missing out on life's most important and joyful reality. And that is available. Solomon was outside the door knocking. Jesus said, "Behold, I stand at the door and I knock. If any man will open the door, I will come in and have fellowship with him and he with me." And if you desire that, you can call upon his name and give your life to Christ. We pray that you would.

Guest (Female): Thanks for joining us today on Connect with Skip Heitzig. Before we go, remember, your generosity helps share God's word with people around the world, bringing biblical truth, encouragement, and hope to those who need it most. And this month, we'd love to thank you for your gift of thirty dollars or more by sending you Biblical Wisdom for Everyday Living, a collection of four lifestyle booklets from Pastor Skip Heitzig: Pray This Way, Technicolor Joy, Unforgiveness: Forgiveness vs. Sweet Revenge, and Standing Firm in Unsettling Times. These practical resources will help you apply God's truth to everyday challenges and grow deeper in your walk with Christ. Give today at connectwithskip.com/offer or call 800-922-1888. Thanks for spending time with us today, and we'll see you next time on Connect with Skip Heitzig.

[Song: Make a connection now at the foot of the cross. Cast your burdens on his word. Make a connection...]

Guest (Female): Connect with Skip Heitzig is a presentation of Connection Communications, connecting you to God's never-changing truth in ever-changing times.