Ask Pastor Mike Live

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Raquel, you're on the air with Pastor Mike. How can I help?

Raquel: Hi. Um, well, my father passed away. Um, there was um, we were in the process of bringing my parents. But anyway, I have my mother, I'm her caregiver, but I thought my other siblings were going to participate in the care of her, but they all rejected. And they do help every once in a while. How do I come to terms with that?

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Well, you know, Jesus spoke about the importance of caring for our parents. And one of the things that Jesus said in the book of Matthew, when he was talking about the Pharisees who tried to act really religious in people's eyes, and he said, but you found a nice little way to get around caring for your aging parents by saying all your resources have been given over to God. And he said, and in doing that, you're violating the law. And the law, coming from the Old Testament, was to honor your mother and your father. And remember, when God gave that command, that was a command that was given back there in Exodus 20 to a bunch of adults who were there in the wilderness and were having aging parents that were sick and dying in the wilderness, and they were supposed to take care of them.

And they didn't. Uh, if they are accused, as Jesus accused the Pharisees of not doing it. So, here's the deal. You're practicing righteousness that goes beyond that of the Pharisees and scribes of Jesus's day, at least many of them. And you're doing exactly what Exodus 20 says. And if your siblings are not participating in that, well, then they're violating exactly what the Bible says, to honor your father and mother, which is more than just obeying them, which of course that is an aspect of it when you're a little child, as Paul makes clear in Ephesians.

But the idea of us as adults caring for aging parents is is an act of of godliness, Paul writes to Timothy, caring for those widows in our family or widowers. We are we are being a godly person. We're doing what God asks. And it would be nice if all the siblings participated. They would be receiving the the blessings and the heavenly rewards that come with it. But if they're not willing to, well, then it's a cross that you're going to have to bear, but one you need to know, as it says in Hebrews 6, that God is not going to forget the sacrifice that you've shown.

He's going to pay you back. He's not unjust. I love the way it's put. God will justly respond to you by giving you the payback that you can't even imagine. The Bible even says if you give a cup of cold water in Christ's name, you will not lose your reward. So, in one sense, Raquel, you're going to look back from heaven's perspective and the siblings that you have that are not participating are going to be saying, wow, I can't believe I missed out on all the praise, all the honor, all the riches, or whatever God gives, real estate to you because you've done what Christ asked.

They're going to say, wow, we missed out on the privilege of of obeying God's word. So, you're obeying God 's word. It's hard. It is tough. I think about that that text in Lamentations, right, for us to bear the yoke in our youth. And and and you know, when you're dying, I trust your kids are going to see how you practiced your godliness to your aging parents and and that if you're bearing it all yourself, I I I guarantee you it it's it's at a time when you can, even if it's hard, even if it's costly, even if you can't go on a vacation or buy that extra thing that you want to cuz your money is going to support your your parent.

But I 'm telling you, this is something you will never regret. It's like a kid doing the homework that he's required to do and getting a passing grade and getting the the benefits that go with it. Your siblings are failing. They've walked out on the on the on the assignment. But the teacher has said it, you've got to do this. And the teacher in our case is God himself in Exodus 20. And And they're not being obedient, but you are, Raquel. So, Raquel, I want you to be encouraged that none of this It may be passing, you know, anybody else in your family and they don't even get it.

But God gets it, and God gets what you're doing, and you're doing the right thing. This is different than taking care of a garden or painting a fence. I mean, we don't have to do that, but you have to care for your parents. And And it's ideal if your parents have five kids and all five help contribute and participate in the work, but they're not. So, shame on them. That's true, and I'm with you on that. You can't make people do what they don't want to do. You just can't. I mean, you can tell them they should help, but if they don't help, then all that all that's happening is your compounding interest in heaven, as Jesus would put it.

You're storing up treasure in heaven where moth can't eat it up and rust can't destroy it and thieves can't break in and steal it. And one day you're going to enjoy the kind of hard work you did. It's like passing the bar exam or or getting your medical degree or doing something big. You're doing that now spiritually, and one day you're going to get the income that they're not going to get. And I don't want you to do it selfishly, but I'll tell you, God is not unjust not to pay you back for the love that you're showing for your parent because God told you to.

And so keep at it and do what you can and sacrifice cuz it's not going to be forever. One day you'll lay him to rest or her to rest. I can't remember if it was your father or your mother that's left, uh, but I'm telling you, it's going to pan out. It's your mom that you're caring for?

Raquel: Yes.

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Yes. And I know it's hard, Raquel. Uh, and and I would ask. I would continue to ask, especially if it's a real hardship on you. Every now and then I would say, hey, brothers, sisters, whatever you've got, I would really appreciate your help. I could really use some help. But don't start getting bitter toward them cuz in the end you just can't make people want to do the right thing. All you can do is pray for them and ask. And I wouldn't ask them every week, but I would ask them every few months. And, uh, if not, just give up and and keep pouring yourself in to caring for your mother.

And, uh, I guarantee you you're pleasing the Lord in this. I can tell you that. I don't know you, but I can tell you that if you're a Christian, God is rewarding every hour, every effort, every cup of cold water, every dollar that you invest to care for your mom. It's a biblical thing you're doing. It's right in the center of of God's word. It's the first things that he told human beings to do. Wasn't in Genesis 1, it was in Exodus 20. That was before Moses even recorded Genesis chapter 1 for God. What we have there is him speaking on Mount Sinai the truth that we should care for our parents.

Honor your mother and father. That's the first commandment that comes with a promise. And And And that's a promise that God's going to reward you for this. So, hang in there, Raquel. And what do your siblings say when you ask them? What What is their comeback?

Raquel: Well, the first time when I asked them for their help when my mom was already transitioned to my home, one of them said, you never asked for help. The second one said, I 'm going to live my life. And the third one said, I need to talk it over with my wife.

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Okay. Well, the one that says they're going to live their life, uh, I I I don't know that there's even a follow-up you can give to that sibling. But the first sibling never asked. I do want to make sure that you ask and periodically you should ask every couple months if you have needs, I would reach out and ask for help. But it's much like a lot of things in life. I can ask people to do something, but I can't make them do it. So, at the end of the day, if they don't respond, at least you're going to take that excuse away that you never asked because you're going to ask.

And you should ask. And then the one that's got to to discuss it with his wife, that brother of yours, um, you know, I I would hope the discussion comes to an end and it's not just an excuse. But remember what Jesus taught us about people that make excuses, right? He gives that parable of this great banquet that's ready and he says, come, everything's ready. And, uh, the servants go out and say, hey, it's time to come to the feast. And they don't want to come. They say, ah, I got I got a pair of oxen.

I got to test that. I got things to do. I got got my family to attend to. And they don't come and they miss out on the blessing. Well, a banquet sounds like a fun thing to go to. Caring for your your ailing mother does not sound like a fun thing to do, but in the end you're coming to a feast because in the end of your life you're going to see the Lord saying, well done, Raquel, good and faithful servant. You did what I asked you to do and you cared for your mother all alone when your other siblings don't want anything to do with it.

And it sounds like two of them are, uh, maybe making excuses cuz they should know there's needs, right? I mean, think of your first sibling you said you never asked. Well, I think you can look at this situation and know it's going to take some effort and some time and some money. And there they should be there to help. But if they're not, continue to ask and you just care you you say to God, this is my this is my cross to bear. It's not easy, but it 's all going to be rewarded. And, Raquel, that's the best I can tell you because in the end of end of the of the discussion, you can't abdicate your role.

You're just proving here that you're the most godly sibling and the most caring sibling of the four. And here's what happens with the most caring sibling or the most responsible sibling. The parent starts to rely on you the most, and it just compounds from your perspective the problem. But think about it. It 's always the flake in the family, probably the second one you mentioned that says I 'm going to go live my life, that that parents expect very little from cuz they know they get very little from them. And probably even when those kids were being raised, that that second person you talked about, your parents didn't expect much.

But I would I would venture to guess you were the most responsible child of them all. And that's probably why you always feel like all of it rests on your shoulders. But all of it's going to be paid back. And that's where you need to keep your sights set on eternity. And the Bible says if you do the things that you know you're supposed to do, right? God is going to take care of the rest. And in that passage where he speaks about that in Matthew 6, just remember, right? We're seeking first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.

And in this case, the righteousness of the king is for you to care for your aging mother. So, keep at it. Don't grow weary. And I'm bet there's other people in your church that probably are dealing with the same thing. They have some flaky siblings that make excuses and, uh, you know, maybe you can go to coffee and say, yeah, I'm not alone in this, and pray for each other and encourage each other and stay at it, Raquel. But keep asking. Don't let that excuse be a real problem cuz you should ask every now and then.

Hey guys, uh, here's what I have to do this next month and if I could get some help, that'd be great. And And if they don't respond, they don't respond.

Raquel: Right. Right. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate that.

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Yeah, and it's sad. I mean, think about it. I would hope Do you have children, Raquel?

Raquel: Two.

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Two. Is it Raquel or Rachel?

Raquel: No, it's Raquel.

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Okay, Raquel. Um, you you have two. Here's one thing, your two kids, I hope, are observing. They're observing a mom who's caring for her mom. And when it's time for you to need their care, I trust they're going to do it. But just think about the others, your siblings. If they have children, you have nieces and nephews?

Raquel: Yes.

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Yeah, they're observing and they're taking notes. Whether they're taking notes on a piece of paper or not, their brain is remembering. You know, the aged aren't worth the time and the effort. And I feel bad for your siblings because probably their kids are not going to care much for them when they're in need. But I trust God's going to meet all your needs, Raquel, because you're showing that you can be relied on to meet your mother's needs. So, stay at it. Hang in there. Keep going. Endure. It's a great word in scripture. It translates variously in the New Testament steadfastness or or patient endurance.

But hupo means under. Meno comes from this Greek word meno, which means to stay. I stay. I remain. And you're remaining under the weight of this responsibility. Don't shirk it. Don't abdicate it. Don't walk away from it. Hang in there like a burrow that I used to see as a kid down in Tijuana, Mexico, uh, who had this big pile of of weight on his back and his back looked like it was bending and going to break, but it never did. And that burrow stood there and held that big weight on his back and he did his job.

And that's how you're going to have to view this, right? I've got a responsibility and one day your mom's going to be gone and we're going to be planning a funeral for her and, uh, you're going to say, I I did, mom, what I should do. I showed my love in tangible ways by taking care of you and you will be blessed. I know that for a certain as I'm sitting here in front of an open Bible, that's what's going to happen. Okay? You trust the Lord. He's faithful to keep his promises and you're keeping yours, the promise to be a good Christian woman.

And keep at it, okay?

Raquel: Okay. Thank you.

Pastor Mike Fabarez: Okay, Raquel. All right, you hang in there. If you're listening right now, I would ask all of you just to remember Raquel today. If you're praying, maybe before your lunch or whatever, pray that God would sustain her, give her strength and endurance. Even if all three of her siblings say, I'm not going to lift a finger, that Raquel will be strengthened. If you have a question about the Christian life, which was a great question Raquel asked, um, love to talk to you about it today. Trying to give you a biblical perspective from God's word, 877-913-5357.

Maybe you've had to deal with aging parents and you know what it's all about. Maybe you can even, uh, give me a word or two about that that, uh, affirms the truthfulness of knowing that you're practicing your godliness in your own family. And it may be hard, it may be difficult, may be hard on your spouse. Even that fourth sibling there that said, well, I have to ask my spouse. Well, sometimes you have to tell your spouse, this is my responsibility before God. It's like going to church. Your spouse may say, I don't want to go to church.

Well, I got to go to church. And you may not want to care for my aging parents, but I have to care for them and there's going to have to be some leadership and some some fortitude, some resolve to do what's right, especially as it relates to our own families. And we're worse than unbelievers if we don't do that. That's what the New Testament says. So,