Adventures in Odyssey

Whit: Oh, hi there! I'm John Avery Whittaker, but you can call me Whit. We were just getting ready for a time of wonder, excitement, and discovery. You care to join us? You never know what'll happen next when you have an adventure in Odyssey.

Eugene: Here you are, Rusty. A triple-decker hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and nuts. A dairy confection fit for royalty.

Rusty: Thanks, Eugene.

Samuel: I can't believe you get a free sundae just for getting a good grade on a test.

Eugene: Well, it's part of Mr. Whittaker's student incentive program, Samuel. It's designed to help problem students do better. Oh, excuse me.

Samuel: Oh man, it was bad enough when our teacher made us stand up and clap for you when he handed back the tests. But this?

Rusty: Jealous, Sammy?

Samuel: I just don't get it. You're supposed to be rewarded for working hard and doing the right thing.

Rusty: And that's exactly what I am getting rewarded for.

Samuel: Then how come I never get rewarded?

Rusty: Because you always get good grades and do the right thing, so it's no big deal. If you want to get noticed, you've got to do something bad once in a while.

Samuel: I do bad things.

Rusty: Yeah, but never anything bad enough to get noticed.

Samuel: I thought you didn't want to get noticed when you did bad things because you'd get in trouble.

Rusty: True about some bad things, but there are other bad things that you want to get noticed for so you can develop a reputation. Then when you do something good, everybody will think it's a big deal and you'll get rewarded like I am today.

Samuel: I didn't know it was so complicated.

Rusty: There's a real art to being bad, and you don't have it. You couldn't do anything really bad if you wanted to.

Samuel: I could too! I just don't want to.

Rusty: And that's why you don't get any free ice cream sundaes. See you around.

Samuel: Yeah, see you. Do good, get nothing. Do bad, get free ice cream. I've got to think about this.

Blackgaard: Oh, the injustice! The inequity!

Shakespeare: It was thoughtful of him to send a postcard, sir.

Blackgaard: Oh, the unfairness of it all! That my unscrupulous twin can make money in Europe due to some nefarious dealings, no doubt, despite the evil he has done, while I, the soul of gentility and wit, am stuck here in a cultural wasteland beset by repeated disasters, barely able to keep my head above water.

Oh, which reminds me, did we get the plumbing fixed?

Shakespeare: Yes, sir.

Blackgaard: Good. Wouldn't want Odyssey's health and safety inspector to see a flooded basement. Why did he have to pick today to conduct a surprise inspection?

Shakespeare: Our name came up on a roster. Sir, I'm certain things will get better.

Blackgaard: They'll have to; they can't get any worse. Well, at least we'll get some good publicity for our next production, eh? What is the name of that radio show I'm supposed to appear on this afternoon?

Shakespeare: The Crying Bryan Dern Show.

Blackgaard: Really? Well, I understand it's the most popular program in town, but I've never heard it. Do you know what it's like?

Shakespeare: Have you ever heard of shock radio?

Blackgaard: You're joking.

Shakespeare: I'm afraid not.

Blackgaard: Oh, Mr. Inspector. Have you finished probing, prodding, scratching, and crawling around my theater?

Guest (Male): I have, and I'm afraid the news isn't good.

Blackgaard: It isn't?

Shakespeare: It isn't?

Guest (Male): It isn't. You know city bylaws state that theaters must meet the same health and safety requirements as restaurants.

Blackgaard: They must?

Shakespeare: They must?

Guest (Male): They must. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to cite you for some violations. 32 to be exact.

Blackgaard: 32?

Shakespeare: 32?

Guest (Male): 32. Everything from loose armchair rests to unsanitary floors.

Blackgaard: But I sweep up every day!

Guest (Male): Not to the satisfaction of the city. Also, you need to install a sprinkler system in this theater immediately.

Blackgaard: Sprinkler system? But we have fire extinguishers!

Guest (Male): They don't meet restaurant code. Here's your citation.

Blackgaard: Citation?

Shakespeare: Citation?

Guest (Male): Citation. I'll expect to see these things corrected within a month. Good day.

Blackgaard: 32! 32 and a sprinkler system! Oh, this is the last straw!

Shakespeare: But sir, we have no choice.

Blackgaard: How are we going to pay for it? You know, I must remember this moment. It's a good association exercise for anger and fury.

Shakespeare: Now, sir, you must control yourself. Remember your radio interview.

Blackgaard: Oh, yes, of course. You're right, Shakespeare. We must put our best face forward. I shall rise above these petty annoyances and show them what it means to be a professional.

Samuel: Hey, Rusty!

Rusty: Hey, Sammy.

Samuel: Listen, I've been thinking about what you said yesterday about being bad.

Rusty: Yeah?

Samuel: Yeah, and even though I don't like it, I've decided that you're probably right. So I'm trying it.

Rusty: Really?

Samuel: Yeah. You know that test we had this morning in history?

Rusty: Yeah.

Samuel: I flunked it.

Rusty: Flunked it?

Samuel: Shh! How do you know? Has Mr. Thompson already graded them?

Samuel: Doesn't matter. I flunked it on purpose. I only answered the first question. That should get me noticed.

Rusty: Not bad for a start.

Mr. Thompson: Sam?

Samuel: Hi, Mr. Thompson.

Mr. Thompson: Hi. I want to talk to you about your test, and this concerns you too, Rusty.

Rusty: It does?

Mr. Thompson: Yes. Sam, I noticed you only answered the first question.

Samuel: Yes, sir.

Mr. Thompson: Then I guess you knew right away that it was the wrong test.

Samuel: Wrong test?

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. I don't know how it happened, but only the first question was on the material we studied. The rest was from a completely different test.

Samuel: It was?

Mr. Thompson: They must have got mixed up somehow during the copying. Anyway, because of that, the test is invalid.

Samuel: Invalid? You mean it doesn't count?

Mr. Thompson: That's right. We'll make it up later. Would you both do me a favor and spread the word about it?

Samuel: Sure, Mr. Thompson.

Mr. Thompson: Thanks.

Rusty: Nice try, Sammy. But I told you, you just don't have the art. See you around.

Samuel: I do too have the art! I guess I'll have to come up with something else.

Bryan Dern: So your new play is opening at the end of next week, Blackgaard?

Blackgaard: Yes, Bryan. This will be our tenth production at the theater. You know, we're very proud of what we've accomplished.

Bryan Dern: Yeah, but tell the truth. Don't you find all this a bit beneath you?

Blackgaard: How do you mean?

Bryan Dern: You've performed nationally for years. You're a well-known actor.

Blackgaard: A very well-known actor.

Bryan Dern: And now you're stuck in Odyssey.

Blackgaard: Yes, stuck.

Bryan Dern: It's going to be frustrating for you. I mean, let's face it, this town ain't exactly a thriving cultural center.

Blackgaard: No, it isn't.

Bryan Dern: And it's going to cost a lot to operate a theater.

Blackgaard: Oh, you have no idea.

Bryan Dern: I don't know how you stay open.

Blackgaard: Well, it would be a whole lot easier if the city didn't saddle me with useless rules and regulations.

Bryan Dern: City Hall got their claws dug in you?

Blackgaard: Oh, yes. With a ludicrous law that requires my theater conform to restaurant health and safety standards.

Bryan Dern: They're actually making you do that?

Blackgaard: Yes, can you believe it? They've cited me for 32 violations. 32!

Bryan Dern: Wow. That's got to be a record.

Blackgaard: And they want me to put in some ridiculous sprinkler system!

Bryan Dern: Unbelievable.

Blackgaard: Good people of Odyssey, I implore you: is this fair? I'm a simple businessman and artist, trying to bring something of beauty and enlightenment to a culture-starved community, and this is the thanks I get? A sea of red tape and regulations thought up by chair-bound, paper-pushing bureaucratic hacks who sit on their brains all day and who know nothing of art, nothing of beauty, nothing of the finer things.

Bryan Dern: Nothing!

Blackgaard: I ask you, if you prick me, do I not bleed? If you tickle me, do I not laugh? If you poison me, will I not die? And if you wrong me, shall I not revenge? You know, of course, what that's from.

Bryan Dern: No, not really. All right, the phone lines are lighting up right now. Charlie from Elm Street, you're on the air with Bryan Dern.

Charlie: Yeah, I'm with you, Blackgaard. I tried putting in a loading dock at my hardware store last year, and it was like pulling teeth to get all the right permits.

Blackgaard: Permits! The scourge of the earth!

Bryan Dern: Jim from Glen Road, you're on the air.

Jim: You're right, Blackgaard, it isn't fair. Bureaucrats and political toadies are making this town nearly impossible to do business in.

Blackgaard: Yes, we are all of us victims of City Hall ineptitude. The legislative bunglers are trying to make our lives miserable. But we don't have to suffer in silence. We can make our voices heard! Call, fellow Odysseans, call now!

Bryan Dern: Well, that's all we have time for today. I know there are a lot of you on the phones who didn't get a chance to get through, but that's the way it goes. I want to thank my guest, Edwin Blackgaard, for being here.

Blackgaard: You're welcome. And don't forget my play!

Bryan Dern: Right. This is Crying Bryan Dern reminding you that if you don't like Odyssey, complain! See you tomorrow. That was great!

Blackgaard: I thought it went well. Thank you. I didn't talk much about the play, though.

Bryan Dern: Who cares? I want you back tomorrow.

Blackgaard: Tomorrow? But why?

Bryan Dern: Well, weren't you listening? We had to turn away callers. You tapped into something here, and I want you to do it every day.

Blackgaard: Do what?

Bryan Dern: Critique local government. Be a voice for the people. It'll be a regular part of the program: Blackgaard's "What I Hate About Odyssey" segment.

Blackgaard: Oh, I like the title. But I'm an actor, not a political commentator.

Bryan Dern: That makes you even more qualified. Come on, say you'll do it.

Blackgaard: Well...

Bryan Dern: I'll pay you.

Blackgaard: I'll do it! Look out, Odyssey. Edwin Blackgaard is on the air!

Chris: Want to contact us about the episodes you're hearing? Visit our website at adventuresinodyssey.com or talk to someone at Focus on the Family. Call 1-800-A-FAMILY. With a parent's permission, of course. We always love hearing from you.

Samuel: Hey, Rusty! Rusty! Rusty!

Rusty: Huh? Oh, Sam.

Samuel: You all right?

Rusty: Yeah, I was just listening to my portable radio.

Samuel: Oh, cool headphones. What were you listening to?

Rusty: Edwin Blackgaard on the Crying Bryan Dern Show.

Samuel: Oh, yeah. My dad told me about him. He talks about Odyssey, right?

Rusty: He does more than talk. He badmouths city workers, and he makes me mad.

Samuel: Why?

Rusty: Because my dad's a city worker, that's why. Would you like it if someone badmouthed your dad?

Samuel: You did one time.

Rusty: Did you like it?

Samuel: No.

Rusty: Well, neither do I.

Samuel: What are you going to do about it?

Rusty: Don't worry, I'll think of something. What did you want?

Samuel: Huh? Oh, well, I've come up with another way to be bad.

Rusty: Nice try, Sammy. But I told you, you just don't have the art.

Samuel: But I can do it! I know I can. I just need to find the right thing.

Rusty: All right, I can see I'm going to have to step in here and help you out. I know of a couple of things that are sure to get you noticed.

Samuel: You do?

Rusty: Yeah. Follow me.

Samuel: Where to?

Rusty: Bernard Walton's workshop.

Blackgaard: I'm saying that our glorious volunteer fire department is just another example of the complete ineptitude of our city officials.

Bryan Dern: They're inept!

Blackgaard: Odyssey is a big enough town. Now isn't it time we had a real fire department complete with real firemen?

Bryan Dern: Yeah!

Blackgaard: Instead of Joe and Frank and Bubba playing dress-up.

Bryan Dern: Well, there you have it, folks. Edwin Blackgaard burns the volunteer firemen. What do you think? Let's go to the phones. Roy from Oak Ridge, you're on the air.

Roy: Yeah, Blackgaard. All week long, I've been listening to you trash Odyssey's health and safety board, recreation department, and city workers, and now the volunteer firefighters.

Blackgaard: Well, as you said, I've only been on for a week. I haven't had time for more.

Roy: Well, I happen to be a volunteer.

Blackgaard: Really? Are you Joe, Frank, or Bubba?

Roy: We don't have any Joes, Franks, or Bubbas on the squad, and I resent you calling us unprofessional.

Blackgaard: Aha! But you aren't professional. Each one of you makes your living at something other than firefighting. Am I correct?

Roy: Just because we're volunteers doesn't mean we don't get the job done. We put out plenty of fires.

Blackgaard: Of course you do. And I seem to recall reading about one you actually put out before the building burned to the ground.

Roy: You are a real funny man. Well, we'll see how funny you are when you're facing a group of protesters.

Blackgaard: Protesters?

Roy: Yes, me and a few of my friends from the department.

Bryan Dern: Are you threatening him?

Roy: Take it anyway you want.

Bryan Dern: Well, he has the right to express his opinion, you know.

Roy: And so do we. See you around, Bubba.

Blackgaard: Now wait a minute. Hello?

Bryan Dern: He hung up. Well, for guys who spend a lot of time around fire, they sure can't take a little heat. We're going to take a break now. This is the Crying Bryan Dern Show here on Odyssey 106, a different kind of talk radio. That was great!

Blackgaard: But they're going to protest!

Bryan Dern: So what? You said yourself they're just a bunch of Bubbas.

Blackgaard: But Bryan, I did this to publicize my theater, not to get it protested.

Bryan Dern: You are publicizing it. A little controversy is the best publicity you can have. Take it from me.

Blackgaard: Well, that is true.

Bryan Dern: Besides, the show is getting killer ratings.

Blackgaard: Killer?

Bryan Dern: Yeah, and every day they're hearing about your theater. This could be your best season yet.

Blackgaard: Yes! Yes! Well, what are you waiting for, Bryan? Turn up the microphone. Let's get to work!

Rusty: There's your target by the back door.

Samuel: The big pane of glass?

Rusty: Yeah, I saw it on my way to Mr. Riley's house. I was planning on smashing it myself, but because I'm such a kind-hearted guy, I'm going to let you do it.

Samuel: Great! But you said there were two things. What's the second one?

Rusty: After you smash the glass, we're going to go to the Harlequin Theatre.

Samuel: The theater?

Rusty: Remember I said I'd think of a way to get back at Blackgaard?

Samuel: Uh-huh.

Rusty: Well, I have, and it's going to be good. Here's a brick. Have at it.

Samuel: Yeah, thanks. All right. One, two, three! What? It didn't break!

Rusty: You didn't throw it hard enough. Try it again.

Samuel: Okay! What's going on? Break, you! Break! Break! Break! Break! Break!

Bernard: What's going on out there?

Rusty: Whoops, I'm out of here!

Bernard: Sam! What are you doing?

Samuel: I'm trying to break this glass, but it won't break.

Bernard: Well, of course it won't. It's unbreakable glass.

Samuel: What?

Bernard: It's from the bank downtown. I replaced it with a new piece this morning. Now what's the matter?

Samuel: No matter how hard I try, I can't get into trouble!

Bernard: Get into trouble? Why in the world would you want to get into trouble?

Samuel: Because it's the only way I'm going to get noticed.

Bernard: Come again.

Samuel: Rusty's always getting noticed for the good things he does, like getting a good grade on that test the other day. The teacher went on and on about how great he was, and he even got a free sundae from Mr. Whittaker.

Bernard: Okay, I'm with you so far.

Samuel: Well, I never get noticed for the good things I do, and Rusty said it's because I'm always doing good things. If I want to get noticed for them, I have to do something bad once in a while. But I've been trying all week, and I can't do anything bad.

Bernard: Come here, Sam. Checking to see if you have a fever. Now you must be sick.

Samuel: No, I'm fine.

Bernard: You can't be fine. Do you hear what you're saying? You want to do something bad to get noticed? Now does that sound normal to you?

Samuel: Well...

Bernard: Is that the only reason you want to do good things—to get noticed?

Samuel: No, I want to do them because I know it's right. But being right all the time doesn't get me praise from teachers and free ice cream sundaes from Whit's End.

Bernard: So what?

Samuel: Huh?

Bernard: You heard me, so what? Sam, doing good is its own reward, and I've got news for you: it always pays off. Sometimes in ways you can't see. In fact, most times in ways you can't see. But it always does because doing what's right pleases God, and that's the most important thing. Now isn't it?

Samuel: Yeah. It is. Of course it is. I don't know what I've been thinking.

Bernard: Well, that makes two of us.

Samuel: Thanks, Mr. Walton. I'd better go find Rusty. See you!

Bernard: Yeah, goodbye. Goodbye, Sam. I just don't understand young people today.

Samuel: Good grief, what is going on here? Rusty! Hey, Rusty!

Rusty: Sammy, hey Sammy!

Samuel: Rusty, what is all this?

Rusty: It's the volunteer fire department. Blackgaard badmouthed them today, and so they're picketing the place. Come on!

Samuel: Where are we going?

Rusty: To the backstage door.

Samuel: We're going inside?

Rusty: For what I have planned, we have to.

Samuel: You're still going through with it? Even with all that going on in front?

Rusty: Absolutely. It'll fit right in.

Samuel: What are you going to do?

Rusty: Blackgaard's rehearsing his new show. I'm going to add a little bang to his rehearsal with these.

Samuel: Cherry bombs? Those are dangerous!

Rusty: They're also loud. It'll scare him to death.

Samuel: Yeah, look Rusty, I don't think you should do this.

Rusty: Wimping out on me, huh? I knew you couldn't follow through. You just don't have the art.

Samuel: Well, I don't want you to do it either!

Rusty: Fat chance. I told you what Blackgaard said about my dad, and now he's going to pay. So if you're going to leave, leave. Otherwise, be quiet.

Blackgaard: Great art breaks through the separateness of our natures and lets us touch the very heart of reality. Reality! Your line, Shakespeare.

Shakespeare: Oh! I'm sorry, sir, but the protest seems to be getting louder. Shouldn't we do something about it?

Blackgaard: Don't worry yourself, Shakespeare.

Shakespeare: But sir!

Blackgaard: This will give us lots of free publicity for our theater and for the upcoming play. Now, let's continue. Great art breaks through the separateness of our natures...

Rusty: He's going to get his.

Samuel: Don't do it, Rusty! Cover your ears!

Blackgaard: ...and lets us touch the very heart of reality.

Guest (Male): (Explosion sound)

Blackgaard: They're shooting at us!

Rusty: Did you see the looks on their faces? That was great!

Samuel: Rusty, I smell smoke.

Rusty: It's from the cherry bombs. It'll go away in a second.

Samuel: Something's burning! Whoa! The curtain! It's on fire! Rusty, help!

Rusty: Not me, man. I'm out of here!

Samuel: Rusty! Mr. Blackgaard! Shakespeare! The curtain is on fire!

Blackgaard: Fire! Oh, no, fire!

Samuel: We have to put it out! Shakespeare, why isn't the new sprinkler system kicking in?

Shakespeare: We never had it installed!

Blackgaard: Well, get a hose or a fire extinguisher, something! Quickly!

Samuel: Wait! There's a bunch of firemen right outside. Help! Help!

Shakespeare: We have to get out of here!

Blackgaard: But it's my theater! My theater! Oh, the tragedy! The humanity!

Roy: All right, boys, get that hose up here! Come on, move it, move it! Step aside, firemen coming through! That's right, Blackgaard. Joe, Frank, Bubba, and the rest of us. Now get out of here. We're going to save your theater.

Blackgaard: After all I said about you? Why?

Roy: Because it's our job!

Blackgaard: This is my last broadcast on the Crying Bryan Dern Show, and I want to use it to make amends for what I've said this past week, especially about the volunteer fire department. These gallant men put their lives on the line each time the fire bell rings, and I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for that and for saving my theater.

I also owe a debt of gratitude to a brave young man named Sam Johnson for getting the firemen. Like any small town, Odyssey may have its problems, but compassionate, caring, concerned citizens is not one of them. Once again, I thank you all. This is Edwin Blackgaard. So long.

Bernard: Well, that was nice. A little late, but nice. So you see, Sam, sometimes you do get noticed for doing good things.

Samuel: Yeah, and I'm sure glad I'm not getting noticed the way Rusty is—by the police.

Eugene: Speaking of getting noticed, here you are, Samuel. A triple-decker hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and nuts.

Samuel: But I already got noticed by Mr. Blackgaard, Eugene. What's this for?

Bernard: For doing good.

Samuel: But you said doing good is its own reward.

Bernard: Well, it is, but the occasional ice cream sundae doesn't hurt either.

Samuel: Thanks, Mr. Walton. Thanks, Eugene.

Eugene: You're most welcome.

Bernard: Yeah, you're welcome. You going to eat that cherry?

Samuel: Yep.

Bernard: Oh, well, I've been good too, and I thought maybe—well, that's all right. Go ahead.

Chris: Psalm 1 says, "Blessed is the man who does not follow evil men's advice or hang around with sinners, scoffing at the things of God, but who delights in doing everything God wants him to do, and day and night is always meditating on his laws and thinking about ways to follow him more closely."

Well, that's all for this time. If you ever want to write to us, we'd love to hear from you. Just send your letter to Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. In Canada, write to Box 9800, Vancouver, B.C., V6B 4G3.

And don't forget to ask how you can get a copy of today's episode. It's called "When Bad Isn't So Good." The address once again is Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995.

Adventures in Odyssey is a presentation of Focus on the Family. "When Bad Isn't So Good" was written and directed by Phil Lollar. Our production engineer was Bob Luttrell, and our executive producer, Chuck Bolte. And I'm Chris, hoping you'll join us again next time for more adventures in Odyssey!