Adventures in Odyssey

Chris: Hi, this is Chris. Welcome to Adventures in Odyssey.

John Avery Whittaker: Hi there, I'm John Avery Whittaker, but you can call me Whit. My friends and I are about to set off for a time of wonder and excitement. You want to come along? We'd love to have you join us for today's Adventure in Odyssey.

Edwin Blackard: We are going to improvise the script of your life.

Bernard: Pin a tail on me and call me a donkey.

Edwin Blackard: To be or not to be.

Edwin Blackard: Nolo Contendre Deus Ex Machina.

Bernard: Wow, and all I wanted was a few radio ads.

Bernard: Oh, Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones: Bernard, I tried to call you.

Bernard: I'm sorry I'm late, but I couldn't find the squeegee.

Mr. Jones: I understand, Bernard, but...

Bernard: Oh, don't worry, though. I'll have things spick and span in no time.

Mr. Jones: That's what I'm trying to tell you, Bernard. I'm sorry, but well, I don't need you.

Bernard: Oh, but Mr. Jones, your windows are filthy.

Mr. Jones: I know, but I'm trying out a different janitorial service.

Bernard: Different. Different? Well, who is it?

Bart Rathbone: It's me, Walton.

Bernard: Bart Rathbone?

Bart Rathbone: At your service, or I should say Mr. Jones' service.

Bernard: What's going on here, Bart? You own an electronics store, not a janitorial business.

Bart Rathbone: Hey, I'm expanding. You got a real nice monopoly going here, Walton, and I want in on it. And thanks to my hot new radio ads, I think you'll find that several of your customers will be switching to Rathbone's cleanup service.

Bernard: Radio ads?

Bart Rathbone: Sure, featuring my lower prices. That's what sold Mr. Jones on me, right, Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones: Well, yes. I'm awfully sorry about this, Bernard, but...

Bernard: No, no, that's I understand. You're you're in business.

Bart Rathbone: That's right. And it's the smart businessman who goes for the lower prices. So, if you'll excuse us, Walton. How did you want your windows, Mr. Jones? A high gloss finish or...

Bernard: Steal my customers, huh? Radio ads, huh? Well, we'll just see about that.

Edwin Blackard: Ready, Edwin?

Bernard: Ready.

Edwin Blackard: One, two, three. There.

Shakespeare: Oh. I do wish we'd waited until Shakespeare returns. He's so much better at manual labor than I am.

Bernard: Oh, you did all right. Are you certain you'll be able to unload this at Whit's End?

Edwin Blackard: I'll get Eugene to help.

Shakespeare: Then allow me to thank you for letting us use the props from your little theater.

Bernard: Oh, you're welcome. I really enjoyed your last production. Life with Father is one of my favorite plays.

Shakespeare: It was all right. If you like upbeat, entertaining, family-type shows.

Bernard: You don't?

Shakespeare: They have their place. Unfortunately, they don't get you reviews.

Bernard: Oh, that's not true. Lucy Schultz reviewed it for the Odyssey Owl. Gave it a resounding thumbs up, too.

Shakespeare: Which has about as much influence over the theater-going public as a marshmallow has over a charging elephant.

Bernard: Oh.

Shakespeare: I'm referring to important reviews with by a critic who could actually put Blackard's Harlequin Theater at the forefront of acceptability.

Bernard: Is there somebody like that around here?

Shakespeare: Oh, miracle of miracles, there actually is. His name is Rosencrantz Guildenstern. He's the most important critic in the tri-state area. Oh, a good write-up from him could bring the crowds in by the hundreds. And I mean true theatergoers, not the local yokels I get now.

Bernard: You mean like me?

Shakespeare: No, no, of course not.

Bernard: So, why can't you get him to come?

Shakespeare: His taste. Guildenstern likes plays that capture the pain and struggle of human conflict, as seen from a rather harshly realistic point of view.

Bernard: You mean depressing?

Shakespeare: Exactly. But that's the only way to get noticed by him.

Bernard: Edwin, you brought quality theater to Odyssey. You produced several high-caliber entertaining plays. You should be proud of what you've accomplished.

Shakespeare: It's true.

Bernard: Well, just keep to the high road. You'll get noticed soon enough.

Shakespeare: Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Bernard: Well, I got to get back to Whit's End. I'll see you.

Shakespeare: Ta-ta.

Shakespeare: There must be a way to get Guildenstern in the theater.

Bernard: And there's your change. Whit? Whit!

John Avery Whittaker: Bernard, you're all steamed up. What's the matter?

Bernard: My blood's boiling! I'm so hot under the collar I could blow my top. Of all the low down, no good! Bart Rathbone, that's what's the matter!

John Avery Whittaker: Oh no. What's he done now?

Bernard: What's he done? What's he done? He's gone into the janitorial service business. That's what he's done!

John Avery Whittaker: He hasn't.

Bernard: He has! And that's not all.

Bart Rathbone (Radio): This is Bart Rathbone's cleanup service.

Bernard: Wait a minute. Turn up the radio. Quick!

Bart Rathbone (Radio): Are you tired of janitorial services that call a streaky window clean?

Bernard: Streaky?

Bart Rathbone (Radio): Have you had it with finding trash cans that are supposed to be empty but are still half full?

Bernard: Half full?

Bart Rathbone (Radio): Do you get all choked up at the dust that's still on your furniture after your janitor leaves?

Bernard: Dust?

Bart Rathbone (Radio): Well, if your answer is yes, then you need Rathbone's cleanup service. We do all of the above and more for less. In fact, you have my personal guarantee that if we don't do a better job for less money, your windows will still be dirty. So call Rathbone's cleanup service at 555-9424. We clean up where the competition leaves off.

Bart Rathbone (Radio): Rathbone's cleans you out.

John Avery Whittaker: Ah, just when you think you've heard everything, treacherous.

Bernard: That's what it is! Downright treacherous! Lying about me and stealing my customers!

John Avery Whittaker: Well, what he said is pretty bad, all right, but I'm not sure I agree that he's stealing your customers.

Bernard: What?

John Avery Whittaker: Bernard, Bart has every right to start a janitorial service. You know that as well as I do.

Bernard: So, what do you say? That I should just stand by and let him run me out of business?

John Avery Whittaker: Not at all.

Bernard: Then what am I supposed to do? I mean, he has radio ads, Whit. Radio ads!

John Avery Whittaker: Oh, I know it's hard to have competition, but if the past is any gauge, Bart is just after the fast buck. You have nothing to worry about.

Bernard: Oh, that's easy for you to say. He's not building an ice cream shop.

John Avery Whittaker: Bernard, you do quality work. Be patient. Bart will eventually mess up, and your workmanship will win out.

Bernard: Well, I don't know, Whit. I think I need something more. I have to fight fire with fire.

John Avery Whittaker: You're not going to burn down the electric palace, are you?

Bernard: Don't be ridiculous. I need to make my own radio ads.

John Avery Whittaker: Bernard.

Bernard: I know what you're going to say, Whit, but my mind's made up. All I need is somebody who can help me get my act together. That gives me an idea.

Edwin Blackard: You want me to help you do what?

Bernard: Learn how to do some radio ads.

Edwin Blackard: Ah, yes.

Shakespeare: Well, Mr. Walton, I'm afraid that Mr. Blackard's schedule is quite busy at present.

Edwin Blackard: Ta-ta, Shakespeare. Let's not be hasty. Pray continue, Mr. Walton.

Bernard: Huh? Oh, well, okay. Our Father, who art in heaven.

Edwin Blackard: No, no, no. I mean, tell me more.

Bernard: Oh, oh, well, you see, I've got this janitorial business and it's not much, but it's mine, you know. I built it up from the ground and I started with just a rag and a bucket and now I've got a squeegee in a bucket. The point is, it's all I have. And now Bart Rathbone and his fancy shmancy radio ads are trying to take it from me. I got to put out some radio ads of my own. I need help with the way I sound and everything, you know. So, I've come to you. Will you help me?

Edwin Blackard: No.

Bernard: Oh, please, Mr. Blackard.

Edwin Blackard: Let me finish. I won't help you produce radio ads, but I will help you do something even better.

Bernard: Better?

Shakespeare: Better?

Edwin Blackard: Right. Bernard, together, we are going to do something this town has never seen.

Bernard: We are?

Shakespeare: You are?

Edwin Blackard: We are. We are going to put your plight on the stage.

Bernard: The stage?

Shakespeare: This stage?

Edwin Blackard: It will be the greatest single moment in theater since Gilbert said to Sullivan, "So, what do you know about pirates?" Pirates, Gilbert Sullivan. Well, what do you say?

Bernard: Well, I don't know. You want me to play a pirate?

Edwin Blackard: No, no, no. Something greater, more profound. Bernard, yours is the struggle of the ages, right out of classical theater. The little man striving against almost insurmountable odds to keep what he has built with his own two hands. Good versus evil. Right versus wrong. Nolo Contendre Deus Ex Machina, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Bernard: Wow, and all I wanted was a few radio ads.

Edwin Blackard: Believe me, my friend, when I am through with you, the words Bernard Walton will be on the lips of everyone in the tri-state area. How can mere radio ads compare with that?

Bernard: Oh, I guess they can.

Edwin Blackard: Wonderful! We'll begin this afternoon. Rehearsal starts promptly at two. Don't be late. Shakespeare, on your feet for a rising star.

Shakespeare: Yes, sir.

Bernard: Rising star. Well, what do you know about that?

Edwin Blackard: Ta-ta!

Shakespeare: Sir.

Edwin Blackard: Yes, Shakespeare?

Shakespeare: Far be it for me to criticize or question you in any way, but have you lost your mind? You've just committed this theater and our already tightly stretched resources to an unwritten show about and starring a window washer.

Edwin Blackard: I know, and that's just the type of production Rosencrantz Guildenstern raves about. We are certain to get a write-up now.

Bernard: Ah.

Edwin Blackard: Oh.

John Avery Whittaker: You're doing a play?

Bernard: Yep, a play about me.

John Avery Whittaker: But I thought you just wanted to advertise your business.

Bernard: I am advertising my business, Whit, because I am my business. It's the classical struggle of man against the odds. The use of a machine, Nolo Contender. Oh, ask Blackard, he can explain it better than I can.

John Avery Whittaker: He'd have to.

Bernard: Yeah, well, listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to get to the theater.

John Avery Whittaker: Bernard.

Bernard: We open in only three weeks, Whit, and that means we'll be rehearsing every single day. So, I guess you won't be seeing much of me for a while. Ta-ta.

John Avery Whittaker: Ta-ta.

Bernard: Oh, that's theater talk for goodbye, Whit.

John Avery Whittaker: But Bernard, I... Oh, what about my windows? And your business. Oh, boy.

Edwin Blackard: Bernard, you've done a fine job with your acting lessons this week.

Bernard: Oh, thanks. Although I don't know what I'm supposed to learn by pretending to be a tree, a dirt clod, and a chicken.

Edwin Blackard: Ah, today we bring it all together.

Bernard: Oh.

Edwin Blackard: You see, Bernard, normally plays are written and the actors learn their lines. But that's not good enough for your play.

Bernard: It isn't?

Edwin Blackard: No, we are going to improvise the script of your life.

Bernard: Improvise?

Edwin Blackard: Yes, we'll put it on tape and script the highlights, but right now, I want your story to flow from you. Shakespeare, the drums.

Shakespeare: Drums.

Edwin Blackard: Think, Bernard, think. Let your mind dwell on the swirling sea of humanity.

Bernard: The swirling.

Edwin Blackard: The great unwashed masses that populate our teeming plains.

Bernard: Unwashed masses?

Edwin Blackard: Their stories go untold, their songs unsung. And yet, if we were to just listen closely. What would we hear? Your story, Bernard, tell me your story.

Bernard: Ah, from the beginning?

Edwin Blackard: Yes!

Bernard: Ah, well, I was born.

Edwin Blackard: Born! Born! Your father, was he wealthy?

Bernard: No, no, he was a janitor.

Edwin Blackard: Aha, he was born a popper to a pawn with a squeegee in his hand. What is your earliest memory? Quickly!

Bernard: I remember.

Edwin Blackard: Yes, yes.

Bernard: I remember. Dust.

Edwin Blackard: Dust! Dust, dust, yes. As the dust turns to dust, the dust from whence his life began became the dust of his livelihood.

Bernard: It did?

Edwin Blackard: Yes, floating particles suspended in midair, swept away by your might, powerless against your influence.

Bernard: They are?

Edwin Blackard: Yes, and the great sea of humanity, those unwashed masses, felt themselves cleansed at your touch. Their dirt and filth caught in the great swirling undertoe of the drain called conscience.

Bernard: And, and I unstopped that drain.

Edwin Blackard: Yes! Yes!

Bernard: And and and then I knew what my life calling would be.

Edwin Blackard: That's right! To rise from the dust, break through the clog, stand unflappable and proudly declare.

Bernard: I am janitor!

Edwin Blackard: Good! Oh, so good!

Chris: Want to contact us about the episode you're hearing? Visit our website at AdventuresinOdyssey.com, or talk to someone at Focus on the Family. Call 1-800-A-FAMILY, with a parent's permission, of course. We always love hearing from you.

Edwin Blackard: Ah, Whit, welcome, welcome.

John Avery Whittaker: Well, hello, Edwin. So, this is the big night, huh?

Edwin Blackard: Oh, indeed it is.

Bernard: Indeed it is.

John Avery Whittaker: Aren't you supposed to be in costume?

Edwin Blackard: Oh, yes, yes. But I want to personally greet Rosencrantz Guildenstern.

John Avery Whittaker: You actually got him to come?

Edwin Blackard: Of course. I told you. This is the kind of play he likes.

John Avery Whittaker: Well, I still can't believe that you're doing a play about Bernard and that Bernard is actually doing it.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, he's turned out to be a fine actor. Oh. There he is.

John Avery Whittaker: Who?

Edwin Blackard: Rosencrantz Guildenstern. How do you do?

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Fine, Mr.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, Edwin Blackard, owner of this establishment, as well as producer, director, co-author, and co-star of tonight's play. I just wanted to extend to you my personal greetings. Allow me to show you to your chair. Third row center, one seat in off the aisle is your preference, I believe.

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Oh, why, yes.

Edwin Blackard: You know, Mr. Guildenstern, I don't want to sound immodest, but I believe you're going to love our play. We've created a true theatrical masterpiece about the little man.

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: I'll be the judge of that.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, yes, yes, of course, you will.

John Avery Whittaker: Speaking of the little man, Edwin.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, Whit.

John Avery Whittaker: Don't you think you should get backstage and check on Bernard and get into costume yourself?

Edwin Blackard: But Mr. Guildenstern.

John Avery Whittaker: Oh, I'll make sure he finds his seat. Go on, go go.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, yes, yes, of course, you're right. I'll see you after the show, Mr. Guildenstern.

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Oh, yes. Of course. Is there something wrong with him?

John Avery Whittaker: I'm not sure. Right this way, please.

Shakespeare: Five minutes, Mr. Walton.

Bernard: Oh, thanks, Shakespeare. Let's see. I was born, born a popper to a pawn with a squeegee in my hand.

Bart Rathbone: So you really going through with this, huh?

Bernard: Rathbone, what are you doing here?

Bart Rathbone: I just stopped by to tell you to break a leg.

Bernard: Break a leg? Why, you!

Bart Rathbone: Relax, relax, will you? It's just an old theatrical expression. It means good luck.

Bernard: Oh, well, thanks.

Bart Rathbone: You're welcome. As a matter of fact. I hope you'll enjoy your new career in the theater, because you sure aren't going to make it in the janitorial services business.

Bernard: Now, what do you mean by that?

Bart Rathbone: Just that this play is about your life, not your business.

Bernard: My life is my business.

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds real nice, but have you gotten any calls lately from people wanting to hire you because they heard about your life?

Bernard: Well, no.

Bart Rathbone: I didn't think so. And that's despite all the newspaper ads and stuff promoting this play. See, after tonight, people may know a whole lot more about you, but when they want their windows washed and their bathrooms cleaned, they'll call me. Like I said, break a leg.

Bernard: Pin a tail on me and call me a donkey. He's right. He's absolutely right. I got to do something.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, Bernard, we have a full house and the tri-state's most important theatrical critic sitting in our audience. Places, gentlemen, places!

Shakespeare: Thank you, Shakespeare.

Edwin Blackard: This is it, Bernard. Let's go out there and give them an evening to talk about for years to come.

Bernard: Yeah, for years to come.

Edwin Blackard: The swirling sea of humanity. The great unwashed masses that populate our teeming plains. Their stories go untold. Their songs unsung. And yet, if we were to listen, just listen, listen closely. What would we hear?

Bernard: To begin my life with the beginning of my life. I recall I was born, born a popper to a pawn with a squeegee in my hand. And that squeegee is available for all your window cleaning needs. Just call Walton's Janitorial Services at 555-6629.

Edwin Blackard: Ah. As the dust turns to dust, the dust from whence his life began became the dust of his livelihood.

Bernard: And if you're having trouble with dust, try the patented dust removal techniques of Walton's Janitorial Services. Call us at 555-6629.

Edwin Blackard: What are you doing? This isn't what we rehearsed.

Bernard: Advertising my business. That's what this is all about, isn't it?

Edwin Blackard: Stick to the script! Ah. And the great sea of humanity, those unwashed masses, felt themselves cleansed at his touch. Their dirt and filth caught in the great swirling undertoe of the drain called conscience.

Bernard: And if you find your drain stopped up by the unwashed masses in your home, then you'll be happy to know that Walton's Janitorial Service is having a special this week. Any two drains unclogged for the price of one.

Edwin Blackard: Stop it! Stop it!

Bernard: And of course, I use only the finest non-abrasive cleansers that won't harm your pipes.

Edwin Blackard: Shakespeare, bring down the curtain! Bring down the curtain!

Shakespeare: But sir, you're both standing under it.

Edwin Blackard: I don't care. Bring it down!

Bernard: So, don't get cleaned out. Instead, get cleaned up with Walton's Janitorial Service.

Edwin Blackard: No! Shakespeare, help me get him behind the curtain!

Bernard: That's Walton's Janitorial!

Edwin Blackard: Ladies and gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control. Ow! Shakespeare, help me get him behind the curtain!

Bernard: Walton's Janitorial Service 555-6629 for all your janitorial needs.

Edwin Blackard: Let go of the curtain! It's tearing!

Bernard: And the number once again is 555-6629. Call today.

John Avery Whittaker: Are you sure you're both all right? That curtain was pretty heavy. Bernard?

Bernard: I'm fine, Whit.

John Avery Whittaker: Edwin?

Edwin Blackard: Nothing injured, save for my pride and my reputation. Oh, my reputation.

Bernard: Oh, that wasn't that bad, was it?

Edwin Blackard: Oh, no, no, no. You were simply being you. You can't help being what you are.

Bernard: Well, the upshot of it all is that I still haven't advertised my business. Meaning Bart Rathbone is one.

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Hello.

Edwin Blackard: Mr. Guildenstern!

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Don't get up, Blackard. I just came back to thank you for a wonderful evening.

Edwin Blackard: I'm so sorry. Wonderful?

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Yes, a bit more slapstick than I like, but delightful, nonetheless. I enjoy seeing upbeat, entertaining, family-type shows. That's why I came. I heard you put on that kind of a production really well.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, we do. We do.

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Well, let me know when your next one is and I'll come back and see it.

Edwin Blackard: Wonderful!

Rosencrantz Guildenstern: Thank heaven you didn't do another one of those man against the odds plays. Life's depressing enough as it is.

Edwin Blackard: Thank you! And good night. Good night, sweet prince. Angels of care. Can you believe it? He's heard about us and he actually wants to see another one of our shows.

John Avery Whittaker: That's great, Edwin.

Bernard: Yeah, congratulations.

Edwin Blackard: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, one and all! Shakespeare, bring out the family shows!

Bernard: Well, I'm glad things worked out for him.

Mr. Jones: Bernard.

Bernard: Oh, Mr. Jones. You came to see the show, huh?

Mr. Jones: I wouldn't have missed it. It was very unusual.

Bernard: Yeah, well.

Mr. Jones: I didn't come back here to talk about the play, though.

Bernard: You didn't?

Mr. Jones: No, I actually came back to ask if you would start cleaning my windows again.

Bernard: You're kidding. Why?

Mr. Jones: Because Rathbone's cleanup hasn't been doing a very good job. When you handled things, I never had a complaint, but lately my customers have commented on how dingy the place looks. I'll expect you there bright and early tomorrow morning.

Bernard: Yes, sir!

Bernard: Oh, I must be dreaming.

John Avery Whittaker: And I'm having the same dream.

Bernard: Okay, Whit, I admit you were right all along.

John Avery Whittaker: Well, that's no big deal when it comes to Bart Rathbone. I'm glad things worked out with Mr. Jones.

Bernard: He's only one client.

John Avery Whittaker: Well, others will come around.

Bernard: Well, maybe. I'd sure like to see Bart's reaction when he finds out, though.

Edwin Blackard: Oh, come on, Blackard, you got to help.

Bart Rathbone: Sorry, Mr. Rathbone.

Edwin Blackard: I'm out of the image building business.

Bart Rathbone: But I am an even better actor than Walton. Listen. To be or not to be.

Edwin Blackard: Oh.

Bart Rathbone: That's the question.

Edwin Blackard: Sorry.

Bart Rathbone: How about, how about Romeo, Romeo, let down your hair? Come on, you got to give me a break. Hey, hey, no, wait, listen. I do a great Henry Fonda. Well, listen to this. We got to get water for the fertilizer.

Chris: God wants us to do our best in everything. No matter what others around us may be doing. I think both Bernard and Edwin Blackard understand that idea a little better now. And it's something we need to learn as well. There is simply no substitute for good, honest, quality work. And that brings us to the close of another adventure. Except to remind you that we'd surely love to hear from you. Just send your card or letter to Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Or in Canada write to Box 9800, Vancouver BC, V6B 4G3. And when you do, don't forget to ask how you can get a copy of today's episode. It's called My Fair Bernard. That address again is Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Adventures in Odyssey is a presentation of Focus on the Family. My Fair Bernard was written and directed by Phil Lawler. Our production engineer was Dave Arnold. And our executive producer, Chuck Bolte. And I'm Chris, hoping you'll join us again next time for more Adventures in Odyssey.