Adventures in Odyssey

Guy Feldstein: No, no, no, Charlie. Those programs are no good for me because they aren't, that's why! Hold on. Come in.

Bernard: Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Feldstein, but I've just finished cleaning the studio. You want me to start in here?

Guy Feldstein: Sure, Bernard. Go ahead. Charlie? Charlie, will you listen to me? Yes, I looked at the videotape you sent. Five times I looked at it! None of those shows will work. Because the people of Odyssey are very particular about what they let their kids watch, that's why.

Look, just send me anything else you've got, okay? Good. And remember, Charlie: quality but cheap. Problem?

Bernard: You have no idea. You know my morning kids program?

Guy Feldstein: Sopy Waters and the Suds Factory? Oh sure, I like him. Listen to me all you mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, time to clean your TV screens with me, I'm Sopy Waters. I watched that ever since I was a kid. The Suds Factory sort of inspired me to become a janitor.

Bernard: Yeah, well, the suds is going out of Sopy. He's retiring! And now I've got no morning show.

Guy Feldstein: Sopy is going to be hard to replace. I mean, he's one of a kind.

Bernard: You're telling me! I've called every program broker I know and the stuff they send me... hit the play button on the VCR and see for yourself.

Guest (Male): From the primordial slime of the Mesozoic era, more powerful than a T-Rex, more cunning than a Velociraptor, able to soar higher than a Pterodactyl. It's Ultrasaurus!

Guest (Male): I hug you, you hug me, we're a hugging family. Hi kids, I'm Blarny the Rhinosaurus. I hug you!

Guest (Male): We need Robosarus power! It's shifting time! Go, go Robosarus! Super shifting Robosarus, yeah!

Guest (Male): Picasso! Van Gogh! Garfunkel! Pollock! We're the Teenage Black Belt Metamorphosaurs!

Guy Feldstein: Yeah, I see what you mean.

Bernard: Yeah, the problem is I've exhausted every source I have. I've called all over the country.

Guy Feldstein: Well, why don't you try someone local?

Bernard: Local? Like who?

Guy Feldstein: I think I know some people who could do the job.

Bernard: You want us to be on television?

Courtney Vincent: What a great idea!

John Avery Whittaker: Hold it. Hold it. Bernard, what's all this about?

Bernard: Sopy Waters is retiring. Guy Feldstein, the station manager, is giving us an opportunity to come up with a replacement program.

Courtney Vincent: This is for real? We're actually going to be on TV?

Bernard: If we can come up with a show, Courtney.

Eugene Meltsner: A rather large if, if I may say so.

Courtney Vincent: Way to be supportive, Eugene.

John Avery Whittaker: Eugene does have a point though. Putting together a show will take a lot of hard work.

Courtney Vincent: Well, we can do it! So what do we do first?

Bernard: Well, you should probably decide what kind of show you want to do.

Bernard: I actually thought of something on the way over. I think we should do a variety show.

Eugene Meltsner: Of course, variety, as in hodgepodge, an assortment, the spice of life, a gallimaufry, a number or collection of varied things, the condition or quality of being—

John Avery Whittaker: Thank you, Eugene. Thank you.

Eugene Meltsner: You're welcome.

John Avery Whittaker: And I think that's a great idea, Bernard.

Courtney Vincent: So what happens first?

Bernard: Well, first we need a really upbeat intro. Something like...

Guest (Male): Live from Odyssey, it's...

Courtney Vincent: What are we going to call this?

Bernard: Don't look at me, titles are not my strong suit.

John Avery Whittaker: Well look, let's just keep going and come back to it later.

Courtney Vincent: Okay, so what happens after the introduction?

Sam Johnson: That's easy, a break!

Bernard: Yeah, you're right. So after the intro, I guess the announcer should come on and say...

Guest (Male): Don't go away, there's more to come!

Guest (Male): Take a summer vacation with the Calhoun family, now on the Adventures in Odyssey Club.

Guest (Male): Dad, are we almost there? I can't be in this car another minute.

Guest (Female): Did you guys know that Yellowstone is over 2.2 million acres?

Guest (Male): Between meeting new neighbors, cooking over the fire, and making plans for sightseeing, it's a classic family camping trip until things take a dangerous turn.

Guest (Male): They're stealing the camper! They're stealing us!

Guest (Male): Don't miss the Great Yellowstone Hijack, now on the Adventures in Odyssey Club.

Courtney Vincent: Okay, so much for that. What's next?

Sam Johnson: How about if we do some skits?

Eugene Meltsner: Okay, but what kinds of skits?

Bernard: Well, I think they should be about the Bible or something that affects our lives as Christians.

John Avery Whittaker: Will they let us do that on a non-Christian station?

Bernard: I asked Mr. Feldstein. He had no problem with it.

Courtney Vincent: Okay, a biblical skit. Like what?

Bernard: Once there was a young man named Percival who earnestly desired to learn the very best way to live his life.

Eugene Meltsner: I earnestly desire to learn the... well, you heard him.

Bernard: Upon learning of Percival's desire, a friend handed him the best guidebook of all.

John Avery Whittaker: A Bible? It is God's word. How can you go wrong?

Eugene Meltsner: Sound advice!

Bernard: So a very pleased Percival retired for the night. And upon waking the next morning, Percival arose, flung open the Bible, and excitedly read the first verse his eye fell upon.

Eugene Meltsner: Proverbs 18:22. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Wonderful! The Lord wants me to marry and marry I shall.

Bernard: And so he went immediately to Priscilla, a young woman he had met at his church's singles fellowship. And after a dignified proposal, he secured her acceptance.

Courtney Vincent: All right!

Bernard: Percival was very happy. And the two spent the rest of the day going over their wedding plans. That night Percival slept soundly, feeling his life was finally in order. Until the next morning, that is. Once again, he arose, flung open his Bible excitedly and read the first verse his eye fell upon.

Eugene Meltsner: 1 Corinthians 7:8. Now for those who are not married, it is good for them to stay unmarried. That's very odd. But if that's what the Bible says, then so be it.

Bernard: And he immediately went to inform Priscilla.

Courtney Vincent: You mean you don't want to marry me?

Eugene Meltsner: Well, of course I do, but I can't.

Bernard: Needless to say, this didn't go over very well with Priscilla.

Courtney Vincent: You brute! You beast! Like I never want to see you again as long as I live, okay? Can I at least have my ring back?

Bernard: Percival went to bed that night rather confused. But he awoke the next morning anxious to discover what the Bible had to say to him.

Eugene Meltsner: John 15:8. By this is my Father glorified, that you bear much fruit. I see! God wants me to bear fruit. I am to be a fruit merchant!

Bernard: And so he spent the rest of that day and much of his inheritance buying up all the fruit he could find. That night he went to bed very pleased with himself. And the next morning he awoke, ready to sell his produce until he opened his Bible and read his daily verse.

Eugene Meltsner: Mark 11:14. Jesus said, may no one eat fruit from you again. This confused him. I'm confused! Greatly! A lot! But since it was his verse, he felt he had no choice in the matter. So he did the only thing he could do. I'm sorry, I can't sell you any fruit.

John Avery Whittaker: What do you mean you don't want my business?

Eugene Meltsner: Well, of course I do. I just can't sell you any fruit.

Bernard: Needless to say, this didn't go over very well with his customers.

John Avery Whittaker: What do you mean you're not selling? You just opened the stall yesterday!

Eugene Meltsner: Yes, I know, my friends, but you see—

John Avery Whittaker: I know when I've been insulted! I'm going to the other vendor!

Eugene Meltsner: Yes. Thank you for shopping Percival's Produce! Come back again soon and visit me and my rotting fruit here.

Bernard: Needless to say, Percival was becoming suspicious of his friend's advice. So when he got home that night, he went through the Bible, picking out several verses at random.

Eugene Meltsner: Joel 3:10. Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruning hooks into spears. Micah 4:3. They will hammer their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks.

Eugene Meltsner: Psalm 41:1. Blessed is he who considers the poor. Exodus 23:3. You shall not be partial to a poor man.

Eugene Meltsner: Proverbs 26:4. Do not answer a fool according to his folly. Proverbs 26:5. Answer a fool according to his folly.

Bernard: Finally, Percival came to a conclusion.

Eugene Meltsner: This is ridiculous!

Bernard: And the next day he took the Bible back to his friend.

Eugene Meltsner: I'm sorry, but I cannot live by this book.

John Avery Whittaker: And why not?

Eugene Meltsner: Because it's full of contradictions. I don't see how anyone could live by it. That's what happens when you let more than one fellow write a book.

Bernard: And with that, Percival walked away, failing to realize that if you're going to live by the Bible, you have to read it all, not just a few verses.

Courtney Vincent: So is that it?

Bernard: Well, yeah, so far.

Courtney Vincent: I think it needs a bigger ending.

Bernard: Oh, like what?

Sam Johnson: Maybe Percival goes outside and gets hit by a bus.

Bernard: A bus?

Sam Johnson: Yeah! Then the moral could be, "Look both ways before you cross the street."

Bernard: I don't think so, Sam. We'll work on it. What's next?

John Avery Whittaker: How about something educational? Say that deals with history.

Guest (Male): And now it's time for Did You Know?

Courtney Vincent: Did you know that our real Independence Day in the United States is not July 4th, but July 2nd? July 4th is the date the Continental Congress voted to adopt the Declaration of Independence. But the actual vote to break away from England was two days earlier on July 2nd.

Sam Johnson: No. But did you know that the first major battle of the Civil War was fought in 1861 in front of Wilbur McLean's farmhouse at the Manassas Junction? And that the war ended in 1865 in the little town of Appomattox Courthouse when Lee surrendered to Grant in the living room of Wilbur McLean? He had moved his family there after the first battle to get away from the war.

Guest (Male): Well, you know it now! So don't you forget it!

Bernard: Okay, that's great. I like that a lot.

Courtney Vincent: Yeah, and it doesn't have to be just about history. We could do all sorts of interesting facts.

Sam Johnson: Yeah, like sports or inventions or even the Bible.

Eugene Meltsner: Yes, but perhaps you should scatter them throughout the program instead of doing them all in one lump sum.

Bernard: Okay, all right. What's next?

Courtney Vincent: Well, I know! Maybe we could do spoofs of commercials only with a biblical twist.

Guest (Male): Coming to a Bible class near you. The story of a first-century husband and wife who let greed get in the way of truth. Malt Bisby presents The Lyin’ Thing.

Bernard: Sapphira! Sapphira! I finally unloaded that piece of property!

Courtney Vincent: Really, Ananias? Who bought it?

Bernard: Zacheus.

Courtney Vincent: The wee little man?

Bernard: That's the one. Wants to plant sycamore trees on it.

Courtney Vincent: Why?

Bernard: Why else? So he can see above the crowd.

Courtney Vincent: Makes sense. He is a wee little man. He really bought it?

Bernard: May God strike me dead if I'm lying.

Guest (Male): Yes, it's The Lyin’ Thing. The gripping drama of a young couple whose greed leads them to a disastrous decision.

Courtney Vincent: What about the church? I mean, maybe we should give the money to them.

Bernard: Are you off your nut? Give it to them?

Courtney Vincent: Well, it's the latest thing. Sell a piece of property, give the money to the church. Everybody's doing it. We want to make a good impression, don't we?

Bernard: Yeah, but hey! Instead of giving all the money to the church, let's just give some of it and say it's all.

Courtney Vincent: Oh, yeah! I see. We'll keep up appearances and still have some money left over.

Guest (Male): Don't miss Ananias as he appears before the Apostle Peter.

John Avery Whittaker: Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit?

Bernard: Lie?

John Avery Whittaker: Yes. This is not the full amount you were paid for the land. You have kept back some of the price, have you not?

Bernard: Well, you see, it's like this.

John Avery Whittaker: While it was unsold, was it not your own? And after it was sold, was the money not in your power? Why have you conceived this thing in your heart? You have not lied to men, but to God.

Guest (Male): See Sapphira's surprise when she comes in three hours later.

John Avery Whittaker: Did you sell the land for 100 drachmas?

Courtney Vincent: Yeah, 100 drachmas. That was the price. But Ananias surely told you this. Where is he?

John Avery Whittaker: Why have you agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Behold, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and now they shall carry you out as well.

Courtney Vincent: But I— Excuse me, did you say buried?

Guest (Male): Yes, it's The Lyin’ Thing. A story of greed. A story of corruption. A story of two really foolish people who thought they could hide their hearts from God. The circle of life, this isn't. The Lyin’ Thing.

Courtney Vincent: That was great!

Sam Johnson: Yeah, I really like that one.

Bernard: Me too. What's next?

John Avery Whittaker: Well, by this point it's probably time for another break.

Courtney Vincent: Yeah, right. So the announcer would come in again.

Bernard: It doesn't have to be the announcer. Let the kids do it.

John Avery Whittaker: Good idea! So you guys will come in and say...

Sam Johnson and Courtney Vincent: Stick around! There's more coming right up!

Courtney Vincent: Okay, we're back from the second break. But now what?

Sam Johnson: Well, this is a kids show and kids like stories. Maybe we could gather the kids around and have someone tell them a story.

Courtney Vincent: Like who?

Sam Johnson: How about you, Eugene? You haven't had much to do so far.

Eugene Meltsner: Storytelling is not my... it's not my forte.

Courtney Vincent: Means he's no good at it.

Eugene Meltsner: Completely in whit—

Courtney Vincent: Will you stop that?

John Avery Whittaker: Look, you can at least give it a try, can't you?

Eugene Meltsner: All right, I suppose so. Well, in a certain era, there lived a trio of swine who sought to construct protective domiciles from the imminent attack of a malevolent Canis lupus.

Courtney Vincent: Wait. Hold it. Please say you're not telling us the story of the Three Little Pigs, Eugene.

Eugene Meltsner: Well, I might be.

Courtney Vincent: Eugene!

Eugene Meltsner: I told you! When it comes to spinning yarns, I am without natural talent or inspiration.

John Avery Whittaker: Now wait a minute. Telling a fairy tale like the Three Little Pigs might not be such a bad idea if we do it with a little twist.

Bernard: In a certain land, there lived two brothers. Dudley...

Eugene Meltsner: Charmed, I'm sure.

Bernard: And Mudley.

Sam Johnson: Hello!

Bernard: Nothing very unusual about them, really.

Eugene Meltsner: Except for the fact that we're pigs!

Sam Johnson: Do you have to keep reminding everybody?

Eugene Meltsner: What's the matter? You ashamed of it?

Sam Johnson: How shall I put this? Yes.

Bernard: You see, Dudley was a businessman.

Eugene Meltsner: No, no, no! Buy Anaconda Steel and sell Goldman Sachs!

Bernard: And a social climber.

Eugene Meltsner: Donald, Marla, how are you? So good of you to drop by. I was just having tea with the Rockefellers and the Barrymores.

Bernard: While Mudley was a laborer.

Sam Johnson: I'm going to need a couple of 2x4s, a 3/8-inch drill bit, and some caulking for the bathroom sink.

Bernard: Filled with the quiet wisdom and common sense of the down-to-earth.

Sam Johnson: Aluminum siding, I'm telling you, you can't go wrong!

Bernard: Now Dudley felt Mudley was beneath him.

Eugene Meltsner: That's because he usually is, on the floor, under the house, fixing something.

Bernard: Mudley, however, loved his brother and wanted only the best for him.

Sam Johnson: Aluminum siding, I'm telling you, you can't go wrong!

Bernard: Now it just so happened that they both decided to build houses.

Sam Johnson: My family's growing. I need a quiet home for me, the misses, and the piglets.

Eugene Meltsner: Party season's approaching. I need a fabulous place where the elite can meet and greet.

Bernard: When each of the brothers heard the other was building, they decided to meet over lunch and discuss their future homes.

Eugene Meltsner: I'll have the showplace of all showplaces, Mudley. A 40-room swine-more mansion with hardwood oak floors, a Hawaiian tiki wood wall paneling, glass dome skylight ceiling, and tapestries. Lots and lots of tapestries. What about you?

Sam Johnson: Well, I'm looking at your basic three-bedroom, one-and-a-half-bath ranch-style tract home with concrete flooring, sheetrock walls, a well-ventilated A-frame roof, and of course, aluminum siding. Because you know, you can't go wrong.

Eugene Meltsner: Yes, yes, so I've heard. Well, sounds perfectly dreadful. Where are you planning to build this monstrosity?

Sam Johnson: Well, we've always been partial to the mountains.

Eugene Meltsner: The mountains?

Sam Johnson: Sure. Clean air, lots of trees, solid bedrock foundation. It's a great place to weather the storms of life. Up there, a pig feels like he has room to snort.

Eugene Meltsner: I don't care if he has room to dance the tango in ballet slippers! You can't be serious.

Sam Johnson: Why not?

Eugene Meltsner: Building in the mountains out of season, my boy, it just isn't done! Have you no class at all? Where are you going to build?

Eugene Meltsner: The only place anyone who is anyone dares build! The beach!

Sam Johnson: The beach?

Eugene Meltsner: Of course! Sun, fun, and frolic! The spray in your face, the wind in your hair, the sun at your back, the playground of the inset!

Sam Johnson: Well, we're not really interested in a playground. Mudley, listen to me. You and I are about as opposite as two pigs can get. But you are my brother and I love you, in a backhanded sort of way. So I'm telling you this as a brother, from the heart. Beachfront property is primo real estate. It's simply the place to be. I'm begging you. Raise our family status. Build on the beach.

Sam Johnson: Well, I appreciate that, Dudley. I really do. But with all that shifting sand, the beach just isn't a good place to build. So I'm telling you this as a brother because I love you, not in a backhanded sort of way, but in an upfront, manly pig sort of way. Get a solid foundation under you. Build in the mountains.

Eugene Meltsner: That does it! That does it! I've tried everything I know to get you to improve your situation, but you obviously don't care. So I'm washing my hooves of you. Do you hear? Go ahead and wallow in your underclass life! I'll have nothing more to do with you! Nothing!

Bernard: Dudley snorted and walked off. A sad Mudley watched his brother go.

Sam Johnson: Goodbye, Dudley. I hope things work out for you.

Bernard: And so the pigs started building.

Eugene Meltsner: No, no, no! Not here! Closer to the water! You know how hot the sand gets? Burned my little hooves!

Sam Johnson: Okay, Charlie, back her up! That's good! Pour the foundation right here!

Eugene Meltsner: I don't care if that pillar does support something. It's blocking my view! Move it!

Sam Johnson: Make sure the walls are anchored into the floor. I want everything to be solid!

Eugene Meltsner: Tapestries! Where are my tapestries?

Sam Johnson: Love that aluminum siding!

Bernard: And soon their homes were complete. Dudley immediately threw the biggest party he could throw.

Eugene Meltsner: Friends, Romans, country-pigs, lend me your ears! Welcome! And let the party begin!

Bernard: While Mudley and his family settled into their house.

Sam Johnson: Honey! Piglets! We're home!

Bernard: What neither of them knew was that a terrible stormfront was headed right for them. First came thunder and lightning. Then the winds began to howl. Followed by sheets of driving rain, bringing on a raging flood. The storm hit Dudley's house first, instantly stopping the party.

Eugene Meltsner: Why'd you stop the music? What's going on? Whoa!

Bernard: And because it was built on a foundation of shifting sand, Dudley's house fell. And its fall was great indeed. But when the storm hit Mudley's house, first came thunder and lightning. Then the winds began to howl. Followed by sheets of driving rain, bringing on a raging flood.

Bernard: But because the house was built on a foundation of solid rock, it stood firm, keeping Mudley and his family warm, dry, and safe.

Sam Johnson and Courtney Vincent: Aluminum siding! We're telling you, you can't go wrong!

Bernard: So, what do you think?

John Avery Whittaker: I like it! It's a nice blending of fairy tales and parables.

Courtney Vincent: Yeah, I think it works really well.

Bernard: What's next?

John Avery Whittaker: Actually, I think you have plenty to go on right now.

Courtney Vincent: Really?

John Avery Whittaker: Absolutely. Oh, there are only two things missing.

Courtney Vincent: A title. Yeah, we still don't know what to call it. But what's the other thing, Mr. Whittaker?

John Avery Whittaker: A host.

Guy Feldstein: I think it's pretty obvious who that should be.

John Avery Whittaker, Sam Johnson, Courtney Vincent, Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Feldstein!

Guy Feldstein: No, not me. You.

Bernard: Me? Me what?

Guy Feldstein: You should be the host of the show.

Bernard: Oh, no. No way. Why me?

Courtney Vincent: You got us the deal!

Eugene Meltsner: And came up with the format!

Sam Johnson: And narrated the stories!

John Avery Whittaker: Looks like you're elected, Bernard.

Guy Feldstein: Yes! So what do you say?

Bernard: Wait a minute. Does this mean you want the show?

Guy Feldstein: Well, I'll tell you. I've been standing back there for quite some time listening to you, and I think you have exactly what I've been looking for.

Bernard: Really?

Guy Feldstein: No, not really. But you all have come closer than anyone else I've seen, so we'll give it a go!

Courtney Vincent: Oh, but hold it! We still don't have a title!

Sam Johnson: Well, I've got an idea. Let's call the show B-TV!

Courtney Vincent: B-TV? Get it? B for Bernard!

Bernard: B for Bernard. I kind of like that.

Host (Focus on the Family): Well, I guess this is the beginning of a new program in Odyssey. Sounds like it's off to a good start! What do you think? Write and tell me about it, okay? And if you have any suggestions for sketches or skits for the show, send them along. Maybe they'll appear on a future program.

Just send your card or letter to Adventures in Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Or in Canada, write to Box 9800, Vancouver, B.C., V6B 4G3. And when you do, ask about how you can get your own copy of today's episode. It's called I Want My B-TV!

That address again is Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Adventures in Odyssey is a presentation of Focus on the Family. I Want My B-TV! was written and directed by Phil Lollar. Our production engineer was Dave Arnold. Music by John Campbell and our executive producer, Chuck Bolte. And I'm Chris, hoping you'll join us again next time for more Adventures in Odyssey!