Adventures in Odyssey

Chris: Hi, this is Chris. Welcome to Adventures in Odyssey.

Whitt: Oh hi there. I'm John Avery Whittaker, but you can call me Whitt. We were just getting ready for a time of wonder, excitement, and discovery. You care to join us? You never know what'll happen next when you have an adventure in Odyssey.

Bart Rathbone: Whittaker! Whittaker! Oh, hi.

Whitt: Hi, Bart. What's the matter?

Bart Rathbone: Whittaker, I need your advice. I've got a big problem here.

Whitt: Oh, what is it?

Bart Rathbone: I need to make my family stronger.

Whitt: What?

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, I need to make my family stronger.

Whitt: Boy, when you need advice, you don't kid around.

Bart Rathbone: So, what do I do?

Whitt: Well, Bart, strengthening your family is a lengthy process. Building relationships takes a great deal of quality time and effort.

Bart Rathbone: No, you don't understand. I need to make my family stronger by Monday.

Whitt: Monday? Maybe you'd better explain what this is all about.

Bart Rathbone: All right. A few weeks ago, Rodney, my kid, entered an essay contest sponsored by Family Times magazine to pick the Family of the Year.

Whitt: Oh yes, I heard something about that. Rodney wrote an essay?

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, it was about him and me and his mom, Doris, and our strong family values.

Whitt: You're kidding.

Bart Rathbone: You think that's something? Get this. It was picked as one of the two finalists.

Whitt: It was?

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. Rodney said he was trying to make fun of the contest by writing all sorts of sappy, goodie-two-shoes stuff about us.

Whitt: That was his idea of making fun?

Bart Rathbone: He said all the kids at school got a good laugh out of it. The point is, the judges took him seriously. And now they're coming to Odyssey to take a look at our wonderful family.

Whitt: I see. Well, who's the other finalist?

Bart Rathbone: Some kid named Sam Johnson.

Whitt: Oh, I know the Johnsons. Very nice people.

Bart Rathbone: That's another reason why I need your help.

Whitt: Yes, well, there's still one thing I don't understand, Bart. Why are you doing this? I mean, why should you care about some contest?

Bart Rathbone: Maybe it's because I've realized it's time we started behaving like a family is supposed to behave.

Whitt: Well, that's very nice, Bart.

Bart Rathbone: Besides, the winners get their pictures in newspapers and on billboards all over the state.

Whitt: Oh, so it's the potential publicity bonanza for the Electric Palace that's really motivating you.

Bart Rathbone: What difference does it make? Look, Whittaker, you're somebody who's always talking about family values. Well, I need some. I'm begging you here. Look, I'm down on my knees. Please, please!

Whitt: Bart, get up. Look, I'm not sure I can help you by Monday. It's just not that easy. Like I said before, building strong families takes time.

Bart Rathbone: But don't you at least have a book of guidelines that we can look at or something?

Whitt: Well, yes, if you look in the library under families, I'm sure you'll find something there, but—

Bart Rathbone: Oh, thanks, Whittaker, thanks! I won't forget this.

Whitt: I have a feeling nobody will. Rodney wrote an essay?

Bart Rathbone: Rodney! Doris! Come here!

Doris Rathbone: Yeah, what is it, Bart?

Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, Pop, what's—wow! Bart, why all these dishes on the table?

Bart Rathbone: Because we're eating in here tonight.

Doris Rathbone: In the dining room? Last time we did that was when Uncle Lanny came.

Rodney Rathbone: He's not getting out of jail, is he? Quick, hide the silver!

Bart Rathbone: No, it's got nothing to do with Uncle Lanny. Now sit. Now look, if we want to win this contest, we've got to start acting like normal families act. And this book that I got from Whittaker says that dinner is important.

Rodney Rathbone: Well, okay, Pop, but I don't think the TV will fit in here.

Bart Rathbone: You're right. Rodney, go upstairs and get the little black-and-white out of your room.

Bart Rathbone: No. No, I mean, we've got to eat together.

Rodney Rathbone: But I can't eat without watching TV.

Bart Rathbone: Well, starting now, you're going to watch something different: us.

Rodney Rathbone: Then I definitely won't be able to eat.

Bart Rathbone: Yes, you will. And not only that, but we're also going to show those judges that we've got culture.

Doris Rathbone: What is that?

Bart Rathbone: Classical music. It aids the digestion.

Rodney Rathbone: I think it's working. I'm starting to get sick.

Bart Rathbone: Quiet, Rodney. Doris, dear, the food is all prepared in the kitchen there. Will you bring it out, please?

Doris Rathbone: Bring it out? Why don't you both go in there and get it yourself?

Bart Rathbone: Because we're trying to be cultured here. Just bring out the food.

Doris Rathbone: This better not become a habit here.

Rodney Rathbone: Hey, what's this piece of cloth for?

Bart Rathbone: It's a napkin. You wipe your mouth with it while you're eating.

Rodney Rathbone: Well, why can't I use the back of my sleeve?

Bart Rathbone: Because you get it all dirty.

Rodney Rathbone: Well, don't you get the napkin dirty?

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, but it's washable.

Rodney Rathbone: Well, so is my sleeve.

Bart Rathbone: Just tuck the napkin in your belt.

Rodney Rathbone: All right, I'm tucking, I'm tucking.

Doris Rathbone: Here's the grub. Yeah, eat.

Bart Rathbone: Hold it, hold it. There is something we've got to do first. Rodney, say grace.

Rodney Rathbone: Huh?

Bart Rathbone: Say grace for the meal.

Rodney Rathbone: Well, how do I do that?

Bart Rathbone: Just say what you're thinking about the food.

Rodney Rathbone: Okay. Well, for this food we're about to digest, let it flourish and strengthen those without which it wouldn't be possible. Amen.

Bart Rathbone: Good enough. Dig in. Pardon me, my dear, but do we have any Grey Poupon?

Rodney Rathbone: Any what?

Bart Rathbone: Mustard.

Rodney Rathbone: Oh, yeah. In the kitchen.

Doris Rathbone: I want some too.

Rodney Rathbone: I'll get it.

Bart Rathbone: Hey, what happened? You tucked the tablecloth in your belt instead of the napkin. That's what happened. Do you still want the mustard?

Bart Rathbone: Come on, Rodney.

Rodney Rathbone: I don't think so.

Bart Rathbone: Come on. The guy who wrote the book says that his son told him one of his fondest memories growing up was wrestling with his old man.

Rodney Rathbone: Well, maybe so, Pop, but I don't really think this is a good idea.

Bart Rathbone: What's the matter? Afraid I'll get the best of you?

Rodney Rathbone: No, it's not that.

Bart Rathbone: Oh, I see. You're just afraid. Come on, little fraidy-cat. Let's see how tough the leader of the Bones really is. Go ahead. Take your best shot. We're just having fun.

Rodney Rathbone: Okay, if you say so. Hey, you're right. That was fun. Thanks, Pop.

Doris Rathbone: I don't know about this, Bart.

Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, me neither, Pop.

Bart Rathbone: Look, you both want to win the contest, don't you?

Doris Rathbone: Yeah.

Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, but—

Bart Rathbone: All right then. The book says this is a great way to build one of those sentimental moments that brings families together. Now let's do it. All right, lie yourself down there, Rodney.

Rodney Rathbone: Okay.

Bart Rathbone: You ready?

Doris Rathbone: Yeah.

Bart Rathbone: One, two, three. Lullaby and goodnight, go to sleep, little Rodney. Lullaby and goodnight, go to sleep, little child.

Rodney Rathbone: You guys know Smoke on the Water?

Whitt: Hi, Bart.

Bart Rathbone: Hi, Whittaker. Just bringing back your book.

Whitt: Well, did it help?

Bart Rathbone: Not a bit. We tried everything in there, but nothing worked. Can't you think of anything that would help us, Whittaker?

Whitt: I don't know, Bart. Maybe if you found a common interest, something you can all do together. But even that takes what I told you before: time.

Sam Johnson: Hi, Whittaker. Hi there.

Whitt: Hi there. How are you Johnsons today?

Sam Johnson: We're going on a picnic, Mr. Whittaker.

Whitt: Oh, that sounds great, Sam.

Sam Johnson: We need some chocolate ice cream.

Whitt: Well, I think I can take care of that.

Pete Johnson: Well, only after you've finished with this gentleman.

Whitt: Oh no, we're finished. Bart, this is Bart Rathbone, Pete.

Bart Rathbone: Head of the other family in the Family of the Year contest.

Pete Johnson: Oh, that! Well, it's nice to meet you. This is my wife, Nancy, our kids, Sam, Kelly.

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, yeah. This picnic thing, though, that is a nice touch. I wish I'd thought of that.

Pete Johnson: I'm sorry?

Bart Rathbone: Oh, come on. You don't have to put on an act with me. It'll show the judges real family togetherness.

Pete Johnson: Well, I don't know about the judges. We just felt like a picnic today.

Bart Rathbone: Modesty too. I've got to hand it to you. You guys are good.

Whitt: Oh, Bart, stop it before you make a complete fool out of yourself. Here you go, folks. One quart of chocolate ice cream.

Pete Johnson: Thanks, Whitt. Hey, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Rathbone.

Bart Rathbone: Same here. Have fun on your picnic.

Pete Johnson: We will. Come on, guys, let's go.

Bart Rathbone: Who are they trying to kid?

Whitt: They're not trying to kid anybody, Bart. They're just a family having fun together.

Bart Rathbone: Well, I can see they've got you fooled.

Whitt: You're right, Bart. I can't think of anything more ridiculous for a family to do on a bright, sunshiny afternoon than to go on a picnic.

Bart Rathbone: Exactly. Oh boy, I give up. Pretending to forget the contest. Being ultra-polite. All those smiles and loving looks and giggles. No family is that perfect. Wait a minute. No family is that perfect. That's it!

Whitt: What's it? What's that brain of yours cooking up now, Bart?

Bart Rathbone: Just what you said, Whittaker. See you later!

Whitt: What I said? What did I say? What did I say? Oh, no.

Bart Rathbone: We need a common interest.

Doris Rathbone: A what?

Bart Rathbone: A common interest. Look, we tried all the things that normal families do and none of them worked for us, right?

Doris Rathbone: Right.

Rodney Rathbone: Right.

Bart Rathbone: And we know that we're not going to win this contest on our own merits, right?

Doris Rathbone: Right.

Bart Rathbone: Therefore, the only way we can win is by making the Johnsons lose.

Doris Rathbone: And how are we going to do that?

Bart Rathbone: By digging up the dirt on them.

Rodney Rathbone: Oh, I get it!

Doris Rathbone: I don't.

Bart Rathbone: This family can't be as perfect as they seem, Rodney. They've got to have some skeletons in their closet.

Rodney Rathbone: Right.

Bart Rathbone: And we're going to dig the skeletons out of the closet and parade them right in front of the contest judges.

Rodney Rathbone: Oh man, the Johnsons won't know what hit them!

Bart Rathbone: Right. Now we've got to get started as soon as possible. I'll take the kids.

Doris Rathbone: I'll take the mom.

Bart Rathbone: And I'll take the dad. Who says we don't do things as a family?

Rodney Rathbone: Testing, testing, one, two, three. Perfect. And here come my pigeons now. Time to record a little dirt. Hey, Kelly, Sam.

Sam Johnson: Hi, Rodney.

Rodney Rathbone: Hi. Could I talk to you for a minute?

Kelly Johnson: Sure. What about?

Rodney Rathbone: Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on winning the contest.

Sam Johnson: Contest?

Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, the essay contest. You know, Family of the Year.

Sam Johnson: Oh, yeah. Well, we haven't won yet, unless you know something we don't.

Rodney Rathbone: No, but who are we kidding? We don't stand a chance against you guys. You're the perfect family.

Kelly Johnson: I don't know about that.

Rodney Rathbone: You are. You've got a great mom and dad and you two are like models of how brothers and sisters should act, never fighting or arguing.

Kelly Johnson: Well, that's not true.

Sam Johnson: No. In fact, we're still in the middle of an argument we started this morning.

Rodney Rathbone: Yeah?

Kelly Johnson: Yeah, I think Sam should join the kids' choir at church, but he doesn't want to.

Sam Johnson: I just don't think I have a good enough voice.

Kelly Johnson: That's not true. You have a great voice.

Sam Johnson: It's not as pretty as yours.

Kelly Johnson: It's every bit as pretty as mine. Sam, I think you're very talented. It makes me upset that you don't want to share it.

Sam Johnson: I didn't know it was making you upset. I'm sorry.

Kelly Johnson: Does that mean you'll join?

Sam Johnson: Yeah, if you want me to.

Kelly Johnson: Good. Come on, let's go get a soda at Whitt's.

Rodney Rathbone: Wait a minute, is that it?

Kelly Johnson: Yeah, I guess it is.

Rodney Rathbone: That was the end of your argument?

Sam Johnson: Yeah. Thanks for helping us solve it, Rodney.

Rodney Rathbone: But what about the yelling and screaming, the name-calling, the throwing of punches? I want to see some action here!

Kelly Johnson: Why should we do that?

Rodney Rathbone: Because you hate each other! Don't you people know anything?

Kelly Johnson: Sorry, Rodney, but I don't hate her.

Sam Johnson: And I don't hate him.

Rodney Rathbone: Oh no, of course not. Go on. Get out of here.

Kelly Johnson: Come on, Sam. See you later, Rodney.

Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, yeah. Don't even know how to argue. What a waste of tape.

Doris Rathbone: Well, well. Looks like Nancy Johnson's a closet shoplifter. All I have to do is wait until she tries to leave and bammo! I got her. Excuse me, ma'am.

Guest (Male): Yes?

Doris Rathbone: Do you work here?

Guest (Male): Yes, ma'am.

Doris Rathbone: Then you're just the person I want to see. See that woman right over there? She's tucked several cans and a dozen eggs in that big purse of hers. I think you've nabbed yourself a shoplifter.

Guest (Male): You mean Mrs. Johnson?

Doris Rathbone: Yeah. Hey, how'd you know her name?

Guest (Male): She's one of our regular customers and that isn't a big purse. That's her shopping bag.

Doris Rathbone: Her what?

Guest (Male): Her shopping bag. She doesn't like to use paper or plastic bags because of their effect on the environment, so she brings her own cloth bag from home.

Doris Rathbone: Oh. Isn't that nice?

Guest (Male): Yes, it is. And now about your purchases.

Doris Rathbone: Mine?

Guest (Male): Since you've been standing here, you've eaten three bags of potato chips. Will that be cash or check?

Doris Rathbone: Well, I don't seem to have my wallet with me, you see.

Guest (Male): Then it would appear that I have indeed nabbed a shoplifter. Come with me, please.

Doris Rathbone: Now wait a minute! Hey, let go of me! I was trying to help you out here!

Bart Rathbone: Hi you, Pete.

Pete Johnson: Oh, hi there, Mr. Rathbone.

Bart Rathbone: Oh, please, please call me Bart.

Pete Johnson: Okay, Bart.

Bart Rathbone: I was just in the neighborhood there. I thought I'd drop by and say hi.

Pete Johnson: Well, I'm glad you did.

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, you've got quite a workshop here.

Pete Johnson: Yeah, I like to do a little woodworking in my spare time.

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, that's nice, real nice. It's good for a man to have his own little place away from the family. A sanctuary where only he goes.

Pete Johnson: Well, my wife and kids, they come out here every once in a while, but I know what you mean.

Bart Rathbone: Sure you do. I've got a place like that, a little back room at the Electric Palace. I keep all my private stuff in there. Stuff that I wouldn't want the wife to see, if you know what I mean. Of course, I'm sure you don't have anything like that in here.

Pete Johnson: Actually, there is something in here my wife doesn't know about.

Bart Rathbone: I knew it! I knew it, you sly dog, you!

Pete Johnson: Here.

Bart Rathbone: Oh, a flyer! To the Crestview Falls family resort.

Pete Johnson: It's upstate. A great place. I've been saving up to take the family on a little trip. This is it. This is my big secret.

Bart Rathbone: You know, you're right. I didn't want to tell them about it in case I couldn't save the money, but now that I have it, I guess there's no reason to keep it a secret. I'll tell them tonight. Thanks, Bart.

Pete Johnson: Don't mention it.

Nancy Johnson: Oh honey, this trip is going to be wonderful. Thank you.

Sam Johnson: Yeah, Dad, thanks! It's going to be great.

Pete Johnson: Hey, I'm just glad Bart convinced me to tell you guys about it.

Nancy Johnson: Bart?

Pete Johnson: Yeah. You know, it's a strange thing. Bart Rathbone stopped by my workshop out back this afternoon. And we started talking and he kept saying how nice it was for a man to have a place where he could keep his secret things. I'm not sure what he meant by that. I mean, this was the only secret thing I had.

Nancy Johnson: That is odd.

Pete Johnson: Why?

Nancy Johnson: Because I had an indirect run-in with Doris Rathbone today at the grocery store. Jerry, my regular clerk, said that she was watching me and when he asked her about it, she accused me of shoplifting.

Pete Johnson: Shoplifting?

Nancy Johnson: Yeah. Funny thing is, Doris ate three bags of chips while she was standing there and didn't have the money to pay for them. So I told Jerry to put them on our bill. I just can't imagine why she would want to accuse me of something like that, though.

Sam Johnson: Maybe for the same reason Rodney was trying to get Sam and me to fight today.

Nancy Johnson: What?

Sam Johnson: Yeah. At first he kept on calling us the perfect family and talking about how Kelly and I never fight. Then we told him about our choir argument and he got all uptight and wanted us to hit each other.

Nancy Johnson: That is so strange. Why would the Rathbones want to accuse us of doing wrong or get us to do something bad?

Pete Johnson: I don't know, unless it has something to do with the Family of the Year contest.

Sam Johnson: You think they'd do all of this because of a contest?

Pete Johnson: Well, think about it. Winning this contest would be a real boost to their self-esteem.

Sam Johnson: But they're trying to win it by making us look bad.

Pete Johnson: I guess they think that's the only way they can win.

Kelly Johnson: Well, what should we do?

Pete Johnson: Well, we need to talk it over, but I think we should do what the Bible says and repay evil with good.

Pete Johnson: We're withdrawing from the contest, Bart, which means your family wins.

Bart Rathbone: But why?

Pete Johnson: Well, we know how much it means to you all and we really want you to have it. We've already informed the judges. They're still coming to talk to you, but it's just a formality.

Bart Rathbone: Well, I don't know what to say.

Pete Johnson: Just say you'll accept.

Bart Rathbone: Well, yeah, I guess.

Pete Johnson: Good. Well listen, we've got a trip to pack for, so I've got to go. Congratulations, Bart. See you later, Whitt.

Whitt: Bye, Pete.

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, thanks, Johnson. See you later. Well, congratulations, Bart. Congratulations, nothing! Don't you see what they're up to?

Whitt: No.

Bart Rathbone: They're showing us up! They're proving what a great family they are by letting us win. We don't need their pity. We're Rathbones, after all.

Whitt: Does that mean you're not going to accept?

Bart Rathbone: What, are you nuts? We're Rathbones! Who cares how we won as long as we're the winners? We won!

Bart Rathbone: That's them. All right, it's just a formality, but I still want you on your best behavior, you got it?

Doris Rathbone: Yeah, we got it. Okay.

Bart Rathbone: Hello there. You all must be from Family Times magazine.

Guest (Male): Yes, we are.

Bart Rathbone: Well, we're the Rathbones. I'm Bart. This is my lovely wife, Doris.

Doris Rathbone: Hello.

Bart Rathbone: And this is our son, Rodney.

Rodney Rathbone: Hi.

Bart Rathbone: Come in, come in! Welcome to our humble abode.

Guest (Male): Well, I must say that after reading Rodney's essay, we've really been looking forward to this meeting, Dr. Rathbone.

Bart Rathbone: Doctor?

Guest (Male): Yes, Rodney wrote all about your medical practice and your career as a trial lawyer, Mrs. Rathbone.

Doris Rathbone: What?

Guest (Male): So, Rodney wrote all of this, huh? Oh yes, and we have all sorts of questions about it. Let's get started, shall we?

Whitt: You mean you never read Rodney's essay?

Bart Rathbone: No.

Whitt: You didn't even ask him what was in it?

Bart Rathbone: I was too busy trying to get my family in shape and trying to tear down the Johnsons. Yeah, well, anyway, after about two questions they realized I am no doctor and Doris certainly ain't no lawyer. So they accused us of fraud, packed up everything, and left.

Whitt: Well, Bart, I tried to tell you. You can't just cook up family values overnight. And honesty and respect are good places to start.

Bart Rathbone: Yeah, yeah, I know. And they take time. I've learned my lesson.

Rodney Rathbone: Pop! Pop! I've been looking all over for you.

Bart Rathbone: Why? What's the matter?

Rodney Rathbone: Well, in all the excitement over the Family of the Year contest, I forgot that I sent my essay into another magazine.

Bart Rathbone: What? Which one?

Rodney Rathbone: Manly Man. Pop, you're now the finalist in Father of the Decade contest.

Bart Rathbone: Oh yeah? And what am I this time? A five-star general or Zoltan, King of the Jungle? Let go of my ear! Or how about the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys? Because I am going to send you up like a point after!

Rodney Rathbone: But Pop!

Bart Rathbone: And don't call me Pop!

Chris: Maybe Bart has learned his lesson after all, this time. Building strong, loving relationships isn't something we do to win prizes or popularity, or even because it's fashionable. We do it because God wants us to.

And that's today's program. Hope you had as good a time listening as we did bringing it to you. If you did, write to me here in Odyssey and tell me what you thought. The address is Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Or in Canada, write to Box 9800, Vancouver, B.C., V6B 4G3.

And don't forget to ask how you can get a copy of today's episode. It's called "Family Values." That address again is Odyssey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995. Adventures in Odyssey is a presentation of Focus on the Family. Family Values was written and directed by Phil Lollar. Our production engineer was Dave Arnold and our executive producer, Chuck Bolte. And I'm Chris. Hope you'll join us again next time for more Adventures in Odyssey.