A New Beginning

Dave: Pastor Greg Laurie has counsel today for husbands and wives on undergirding our marriages.

Greg Laurie: You need to tell them you find them beautiful. You need to tell them you appreciated the meal, you love what they're doing with the house, you see them being such a great mother to your children, or whatever it is. You need to be building one another up. Far too often in marriage, we tear each other down and we never build each other up.

Dave: Welcome, glad you're joining us today here on A New Beginning. We've got a special program planned for today. Pastor Greg and I are here in the studio. Pastor Greg, we want to talk today about relationships. It's all based on a brand-new book of yours called Am I Doing This Right? The subtitle is God's Design for Relationships that Last. That's an important topic for many people, isn't it?

Greg Laurie: It really is, Dave. I came from a broken home, so I saw how not to do it for the first 21 years of my life. My mother was married and divorced seven times. These were very messy relationships, if you even want to call them that. A lot of fighting, a lot of drinking, a lot of chaos. So I knew as a kid, I don't want that for me. I'm going to find the right girl and I want a marriage that will last a lifetime.

I found that right girl and her name is Kathy. We've been married for 52 years now. We built our marriage on a biblical foundation. When you go back to the book of Genesis, we know that God created Adam, placed him in the garden, just a paradise. His job was tending the garden and coming up with names for all the animals. But Adam was lonely. Because woman didn't exist yet, he didn't know what was missing.

The Lord actually says, "It's not good for man to be alone." After the Lord had created all the things around us and said, "It is good," He looks at the loneliness of Adam and says, "It's not good. It's not good for man to be alone." So as Adam was sleeping, the Lord created from his rib woman because she was taken out of man. Jesus, commenting on this, said, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

There are two operative words in marriage that need to always be in play. Those operative words are leave and cleave. First, there's leave. When you get married, you change your other relationships. You're still a son to your parents, you're still a brother or a sister to your siblings, but now you're starting a new family. This new family, when you're married, takes precedence over everything else. So you're leaving other relationships.

Then you're cleaving. The word cleave means to cling together, to hold on to each other. Have you ever messed around with Super Glue? When I was a kid, I used to like to build models and I never was very good at it. Then Super Glue came along and I was very excited because supposedly it would be a better way to get my models to hold together than the glue I was using up to that point. But I remember reading on the back of the little tube, "Don't get it on your skin."

I got it on my skin. I got some Super Glue on my index finger and my thumb and they were stuck together. I was basically giving the okay sign for the next week. Maybe not a week, but the idea of being glued together isn't being stuck. It's holding on to each other for dear life. Sometimes in marriage relationships, they haven't taken the first step of leaving. Maybe the husband is still Mama's boy, or the girl gets upset and says, "I'm going home to Mother right now."

No, you need to build this new relationship. You can have friendships outside of your marriage, but your best friend needs to be your spouse. You need to give that priority. So leaving and cleaving. Dave and I are going to talk about this a little bit in short little vignettes from a talk we did recently about this new book called Am I Doing This Right? We wanted to share some of these principles from the book and from marriage in general. I think they'll be helpful to you.

Dave: All right. Well, we begin these special insights as Pastor Greg comments on why his own marriage has gone the distance.

Greg Laurie: We just spend a lot of time together, Dave. Every morning, obviously, we have coffee, we have breakfast together. But then as we're out and about doing what we do, we're in constant communication. We have dinner together every night. I like to just be with my wife. She is my most valued counselor. She always has an interesting perspective on things.

So I think it's really what marriage is all about in the very beginning. God said it's not good that man should be alone and the Lord brought woman to him. So it's really about companionship first and foremost. Yes, there's love and yes, there's sex and yes, there's children and all the beautiful things that come as a part of that marriage. But the thing that really is at the very basis of it is friendship. Friends love each other and friends like to be around each other.

Dave: Pastor Greg addresses why so often "I do" becomes "I'm done."

Greg Laurie: I heard a stat the other day that said that the more you spend on your wedding, the higher the chances are that your marriage could end up in divorce. I think that sometimes people think more about the wedding than they do the marriage, or they put more attention on their house than they do on their home.

When Kathy and I got married back in the early '70s, it was a classic hippie wedding. I'm still embarrassed by the horrible tuxedo that I chose to wear. Kathy was a vision of beauty wearing the same bridal dress her mother wore when she was married. We didn't spend much on the wedding. I think the whole wedding cost $80 or so. But 52 years later, our marriage is strong and vibrant and I love my wife more today than I did on the day that I married her. But it's because we built our marriage on Christ and we built our marriage on biblical principles.

Dave: Being senior pastor of a large church, Pastor Greg has officiated at many weddings over the years.

Greg Laurie: I can think of some crazy things that happened during wedding ceremonies. I remember one where the bride literally fainted in front of me. I was going over the vows and I saw her eyes roll back a little bit and she literally fell. I dropped down to one knee and caught her, being the heroic pastor that I am, and slowly lowered her to the ground. Then her family rushed up with smelling salts. Who carries smelling salts around? They said, "She faints all the time."

Well, someone should have told me that. So anyway, we finished the ceremony with bride and groom sitting in metal folding chairs. You just never forget something like that. But I think that no matter how your marriage ceremony went, really it's choices that you make every day that make a strong marriage. It's how you treat each other. It's if you follow what the scriptures say and it's something you do constantly.

One definition I heard of the Christian life is it's long obedience in the same direction. I think the same is true of marriage. It's just doing the same things over and over again, loving your wife as Christ loves the church, respecting your husband, making sure you're putting the needs of your mate above your own. The Bible says, "Husbands, love your wives." And it also says, "Wives, see that you respect your husbands." Just think about that for a moment.

Women need love and men need respect. That's not to say that women don't need respect and men don't need love. But it is to say the Bible specifically tells us as husbands to love our wives. You need to express your love to your wife. You need to verbalize your love to your wife. They need to be told you love them. They need to be told you find them beautiful. They need that affection.

Men, they need respect. Sometimes women will undermine the man, tell him all the things he's doing wrong, tell him the things he isn't getting right. You need to just stop periodically and say to your husband, "You're such a good provider. You're such a great husband. I love you so much."

Dave: You're listening to a special edition of A New Beginning. Pastor Greg Laurie is commenting on relationships today as we celebrate the release of his new book, Am I Doing This Right? More on that in a moment.

Greg Laurie: I feel like I've been married to seven different women, ironically all with the same name Kathy. Funny thing, they even spell their name the same way: C-A-T-H-Y. Kathy has changed over the years and so has Greg. Marriage is constant adaptation. You're growing together, you're maturing, you're learning. I think the main thing is that you both have each other's back, that you both are there to help your spouse to be the best version of them that they can be.

That means constant communication. I read that most marriages fall apart and end up in divorce because of deficient communication. So you've got to constantly talk about it. If this is happening in the home and the husband isn't around enough, the wife has to talk to him and he needs to flex. He needs to have his priorities in order. Yes, he needs to have a career. Yes, he needs to provide for his family. But there are times when they could spend more intentionally with the family.

I would add this: When you're with your family, be with your family. In other words, put that phone away and look each other in the eye and talk together and go outside together and take walks and enjoy meals and be together and work on that. If you neglect a marriage, it will begin to get weaker. It's like going to the gym. You go to the gym to build your muscle to strengthen yourself. If you neglect these things, your muscles will begin to atrophy.

The same could be said of marriage. You have to constantly be working at it to keep it strong and to even make it stronger. If you go into neutral, you're going to end up going downhill pretty fast. So work at your marriage, communicate with your spouse. If you need some counseling, go visit with your pastor at your church and let them help you sort through these things. That can be very helpful. But keep moving forward, never rest on your laurels.

Dave: We decided to do a little lightning round, fast-paced questions and answers about marriage relationships. All right, first question. Married couples: joint bank accounts or separate bank accounts?

Greg Laurie: Joint bank accounts. You need to know what's going on there.

Dave: Husband and wife in the car together, who drives?

Greg Laurie: I think the guy should drive. Now, I do see women driving their husbands around and I'll be honest, I think a little less of that husband. However, when I see how badly some husbands drive, maybe it's a good thing the wife is driving. But general answer: Let the guy drive the car so the wife can criticize him the whole time. It gives her something to do so the trip won't be boring.

Dave: Next question. Who picks when you go to dinner?

Greg Laurie: Well, the guy thinks he picks, but the woman really does. It will be like, "Okay, Kathy, where do you want to go to dinner? Do you want to go to A, B, or C?" And she'll say, "You choose." I'll say, "Great, let's go to A." Then she'll go, "I really wanted to go to B." Why didn't you just say that? I gave you a choice. Then we're going to B. Yeah, we're going to B, that's where I want to go. Guys, you may think you're choosing, but generally the wife will choose because if Mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy.

Dave: Here's a good one. Who holds the TV remote when you're watching TV?

Greg Laurie: Well, I try to, but Kathy will say, "It's too loud. It's not loud enough. I don't want to watch this." Sometimes I'll say, "Just take the control and pick whatever you want." Then she'll choose her program and I'll go to sleep.

Dave: Favorite marriage-related scripture? What do you think your favorite marriage scripture would be?

Greg Laurie: "Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." Now, that is not exclusively given to marriage, but it certainly applies. Because I think if your marriage is built on the right foundation, it will stand the test of time. Actually, it will get stronger.

So for you singles out there, maybe you think you're in love with some guy or some girl, and maybe you are. And maybe it's puppy love. You have to be careful because puppy love can often lead to a dog's life.

So here's a real good test of if your love is love that will last a lifetime. It will stand the test of time. 1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient. So don't rush the relationship. Kathy and I courted—haven't heard that word for a while, have you? We courted for three years. By the way, we broke up three times. It became an annual event. These were big breakups. These were like, "I never want to see you again."

If you saw the movie Jesus Revolution, which is a story of the last great spiritual awakening in America, and it's also the story of Kathy and I, one of the things we wanted to do in the film was be honest about our tumultuous relationship. It shows us disagreeing and resolving those conflicts. So we got all of those breakups out of our system and we got married and now we've been married for 52 years and we're going strong.

Dave: Pastor Greg has put a bunch of this down in a brand-new book he's written called Am I Doing This Right? God's Design for Relationships that Last. I think this book can really help you. We'll send this book to you for your gift of any size. So thanks in advance for whatever you can send. We're going to rush you your own copy of this brand-new book, Am I Doing This Right? God's Design for Relationships that Last.

Greg Laurie: I'd say it's a good thing to ask. You want to constantly be improving. You want to be the best husband you can be. You want to be the best wife you can be. You want to be the best parent you can be. You want to be the best version of you. That means you need to be constantly growing spiritually and also asking your spouse probably that question, "Am I doing this right? Is there room for improvement?"

Of course, we might be apprehensive to ask that because we might not like what we hear. But it's important to communicate. It's important to tell your spouse when they maybe are falling short or when they're not doing something right. But it's also very important to tell your spouse when they are doing it right. Don't wait for them to ask you. Dole out some compliments. Be generous with them.

I know they come to your mind. You'll just think to yourself, "Wives, look at my husband. He's so handy around the house." That's not me, by the way. I'm the most unhandy handyman who ever lived. If my wife sees me walk into the house with a hammer, she's alarmed because I'll try to fix something and I'll break it. But most guys are pretty good with the tools and getting things fixed.

You see your husband doing that or just taking the trash out or coming home from a day of work after he's done all he can to provide for you. You just say, "Honey, I just love you so much. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for all that you do." Compliments go a long way. I would say especially with men, you'd be surprised.

But ladies, they need to be complimented. You need to tell them you find them beautiful. You need to tell them you appreciated the meal. You love what they're doing with the house. You see them being such a great mother to your children, or whatever it is. You need to be building one another up. Far too often in marriage, we tear each other down and we never build each other up. For every criticism, I'm going to offer a compliment. That would probably help a great deal.

Dave: We asked Pastor Greg, what's something someone can do today, right now, to help undergird their marriage?

Greg Laurie: I would say strike the word divorce from your vocabulary. Wedlock should be a padlock. Even if you are having disagreements, you can work through them. People will often dissolve marriages over so-called irreconcilable differences. Listen, Kathy, my wife, and I have had irreconcilable differences for 52 years. She's neat and I'm messy. She's sometimes late, I'm usually on time. The list goes on.

But you can work through these things. I have done a lot of marriage counseling over the years. I can think of some marriages that were hanging by a thread and I pleaded with the people: stay together, you can get through this. And they divorced. I've had people come to me afterwards who said, "We wish we'd listened to what you said. We could have fixed this. We could have gotten through this."

So just go into it with the mindset that we're going to get this worked out. We're going to forgive where necessary. We're going to forget where necessary. We're going to get this marriage on a strong footing. Maybe it hasn't been up to this point, but now it will be. But go into it planning for success, not for failure. Don't even utter the word divorce when you're having a disagreement or an argument. Again, wedlock should be a padlock.

Dave: Pastor Greg offered some good counsel for those who feel like their marriage has become more of a roommate relationship.

Greg Laurie: If you want to bring romance back into your marriage, do romantic things. Don't wait for the feeling or emotion of romance to hit you, just do romantic things. I heard a story about a woman that wanted to divorce her husband. She went to an attorney and she said, "I don't want to just divorce him. I want him to be hurt. I want to destroy him. What do you suggest?"

He says, "I've got an idea. For the next six months, I want you to smother your husband with affection. Tell him how much you love him, how valuable he is to you, how much you care about him. Just love him as much as you possibly can. Then when six months come, boom, you divorce him. He won't see it coming. He'll be devastated." She said, "I like that."

So six months passed and the attorney had not heard from her. He calls her up. He says, "Hey, what's going on? I thought we were going to get this divorce going." She said, "Divorce? Are you kidding me? We're on our second honeymoon." In other words, you're going back and just doing the romantic things. Guess what? Your emotions catch up with it.

What did you used to do when you were courting your wife? You would pick her up, you would open the door of the car for her, you would take her to her favorite restaurant, you would bring her a little gift. So you need to get back and do those romantic things again and that will help your marriage. Start with practical things and start immediately.

I've identified a lot of these important biblical principles about how to have a successful marriage and even how to have a successful single life as you're preparing for marriage. The title of this new book is Am I Doing This Right? subtitled God's Design for Relationships that Last. We'd like to send this book to you at no cost, but we would ask that you would be generous in support of our ministry.

Whatever you can give—it may be just a little, it may be more—will be used to help us continue on in this program that we call A New Beginning. As our way of saying thanks, we'll rush you your own copy of this brand-new book, Am I Doing This Right? God's Design for Relationships that Last.

Dave: Yeah, it's a great resource for married couples and for soon-to-be married couples. Why not get a copy as a gift? We'll send it to thank you for partnering with us. We're so grateful for your generosity. We're a listener-supported ministry. So when you contact us with your support right now, be sure to ask for Pastor Greg's new book, Am I Doing This Right?

You can call us at 1-800-821-3300. Call anytime. That's 1-800-821-3300. Or write A New Beginning, Box 4000, Riverside, California 92514. Or just go online to harvest.org. If you missed any part of today's special edition of A New Beginning, just go online and look for the Am I Doing This Right? special interview or look for today's date. Our web address again is harvest.org. Or sign up for our free podcast by going to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or any of the other podcast apps.

Greg Laurie: Hey everybody, you can watch our Sunday services on a special broadcast that we call Harvest at Home. It's streaming on the Harvest Plus platform. So download that app right away, Harvest Plus, and you can enjoy being a part of our extended church family every Sunday.

Dave: Next time, Pastor Greg begins a new study in Nehemiah. Lessons on rebuilding our lives from the miraculous rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. Join us here on A New Beginning with pastor and Bible teacher Greg Laurie.