New Life LIVE

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists, as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hello to some of our favorite people. That would be you. I'm Brian Perez, and it's time once again for New Life LIVE. We are sincerely thankful that you've joined us today. Let's get right to it. Licensed professional clinical counselor and President of New Life Ministries Becky Brown is here, and so is Jill Hubbard. She's a clinical psychologist and a great one, I might add. Hello, Dr. Jill.

Jill Hubbard: Hello, guys, well, and Becky. Okay, so I have some random thoughts today. I didn't even know what to title it. Usually, I can come up with a clever title, so this is just "Thievery" today. Have you ever headed out to the parking lot and you have that quick panic of, "Oh no, where's my car? Has it been stolen?" only to find out it's in a different row or on a different level of the parking structure? We've all had that. Then it's like you're relieved. You say, "Okay, maybe I just wasn't paying attention, wasn't focused, I'm preoccupied," and life moves on.

We count on certain things and realities to be there for us, to hold us—certain structures and frameworks in life and consistencies. Well, my friend had that experience, only it was in front of her house. She came out and it wasn't, "Oops, I parked around the corner." Her car was actually stolen. Apparently, there is a new form of stealing called fob cloning, where they can clone and even detect your fob inside your house.

Now, was this a nice car? Yes. Was this a nice neighborhood? Yes. My daughter assured me my car will not be stolen given my car. We have talked a lot lately about the enemy coming to steal, destroy, and kill. John 10:10 states, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." This is a wonderful verse.

Thinking about my friend who lost her car, at first, it's like, "Oh my gosh, that's so violating." But we're all human. How many of you might have the thought of, "Well, it was a really nice car in a nice neighborhood. They can afford it." That thought of envy, jealousy, or judgment. Our quick conclusions about, "Well, they seem to have excess and I don't," then there's bitterness.

How quickly does our compassion turn to that? And yet, if we step back—because we all have a story—if we step back, we see that these people, the work they do and where they use their money is to help others and to provide healing and treatment for other people. If we step back even farther, we see the trials that they went through and the long years of suffering and how they had to rebuild their lives and their reputations to get where they are.

That perspective is important for all of us to have in our reactions and to not let the thief also steal our joy, our compassion, our humanity, and our personal happiness. That thievery can happen externally, but it happens more times than not internally. Our hope, the thing we can count on, is the one who never changes. Hebrews 13:8: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." It's the only thing that never changes. Everything else is open.

Brian Perez: I love it. That's right. This is New Life LIVE. If you've just joined us, thank you so much for watching and for listening. We're going to go right to the phones. When we come back from the break, we've got Leslie, Ashley, and Sue all coming up.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Let's go right to the phones. Here is Leslie, who listens on SiriusXM Channel 131 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Welcome, Leslie, to New Life LIVE.

Leslie: Initially, I spoke with you and said that I was having a hard time with being newly retired and we live in the rural. To go anywhere to be with people, I have to get in the car and go, which is fine. I have joined a gym twice a week. I'm a believer; I go to a Bible study. I am with other people, but after I was retired, I was so afraid to be in this house alone. I just didn't know what that was all about.

In listening to Jill, I also now have a problem with jealousy. I thought after I retired things were going to look differently and my husband and I would be able to travel and go places. However, my husband is a stick in the mud and he doesn't want to go anywhere. I'm just in tears. In the mornings when I wake up, I get this deep pain, almost like anxiety in the pit of my gut.

All day today, I went to the gym and was interacting with other women, but two ladies that I met there, I knew from years past. We got married, had our kids, and went our separate ways, and now we've regrouped. They are going on a European cruise in August and they did invite us to go. My husband's like, "Oh, I just don't think it's safe. I don't want to do that. This is not the right time."

Today at the gym, I overheard her talking to another lady. This other lady said, "So, did you make any cruise plans?" "Oh, yes, we're going to Europe." What can I do about this jealousy? Every time somebody brings up or when I overhear that somebody is taking a trip or going somewhere, I just get so jealous.

Becky Brown: Leslie, jealousy is a strong emotion and it just indicates something that you really want and you're mad that somebody else has it. That's a basic explanation. I want to go back to the marriage.

Jill Hubbard: Can I say one thing before you go to the marriage, Becky? I think we also have a scarcity mentality. Part of our jealousy is, "If they have it, they're getting the good stuff and I'm not. There isn't enough to go around." That just isn't true. But I do see there's an obstacle with the marriage.

Leslie: That's what my husband said. He said, "Now's not the right time." We've both been believers since '82. We belong to a church and were active. But I said to him, "Okay, then does that mean that you are going to—we're going to go somewhere in the United States at some point?" He said, "Yes, I'm not saying we're never going to go, but just not right now," because he wanted to retire at 68 and he's going on 71 and he's still working. It's hard labor, what he does. He was mad about that, that he has to continue to work. I feel robbed.

Becky Brown: Leslie, here's the other thing too. A lot of times expectations are pre-planned resentments. You probably didn't know that you wanted all of this to be happening in your retirement until your work was done and the space gets created. Then you hear what other people are doing.

It makes sense, but I want to invite you to maybe take a trip with your husband to one of our intimacy and marriage intensives. You can visit that city as well as get some help on the marriage. I think the resentment and the challenge you have is getting rid of the resentment and the bitterness. Ephesians 4 talks about getting rid of all of that. That is your work to do so that when you prepare a time away, you can come from a secure standpoint.

I don't want to resent him or be bitter toward him. I also want to understand his need to continue to work. Is that financial? Is that identity-based? Because a lot of times retirement messes up our identity. Especially for men, we don't know who we are without our work.

Leslie: Right, and that was me as well. He's in the mechanical trade. We didn't know our grandson went to college with a different degree. When he got out of college, he decided he wants to come to our family business to work, unbeknownst to us. Nobody checked into that. To be an apprentice, you have to work with a licensed plumber. My husband is the only one in our company that can do that, and he feels like he owes this to this grandson to carry on the company our name.

Becky Brown: Leslie, let's reframe that for just a minute. There's resentment on your part because you thought he was going to be done, but look at this. This isn't forever. What a legacy that he's going to have knowing that his grandfather taught him this trade. I know that it isn't the timing that you wanted.

We've got to get to a place of acceptance. The challenge of acceptance is not that I agree with it or approve of it, but I understand this is for a season. Also, if you guys can think about it, because right now you're at a standoff. You're wanting something from him, he's pushing back because it's too much and it's not right now and I can't even think about it. It creates panic and pressure for him while he's trying to do something.

I want you to be able to reframe that to, for example, "How many hours does your grandson have left?" Have you guys even talked about what that process looks like? You can work through the details and then find spaces where maybe you take a day trip on a weekend. Don't do all-or-nothing thinking because that will keep you in the standoff.

Jill Hubbard: Part of processing—if you write, start with writing down all your resentments and how they're impacting you. Then write who you're resenting, what your resentments are, how they're impacting you, and then what is your part. That helps to give us some clarity.

But then also, what are the things you are appreciating now? What a privilege to teach your grandson and to pass things down. But I think like Becky said, what does that exactly have to look like? Does your husband have to work full-time? Or does lending his license just have to be associated and he doesn't have to work every day of the week full-time? Where can there start to be some gradual letting go, kind of weaning off and handing the reins over so that you guys have more time?

Maybe you get a three-day weekend so you can start to do some of these things that you want and start planning for that. Instead of, "Everybody else is getting the good stuff and I'm not," sometimes we have to stop and pray and thank the Lord that they get to do those things. Then it's like, "Okay, how can I work toward this in my life?" Or Leslie, maybe sometimes you go with your friends and you leave your husband at home. Lots of times women do that because it just isn't working out for the husband. Thinking about ways you can augment that resentment, own your part of it, lean into what is good about now, and then what can you do.

Becky Brown: I'm not a cook. I hate to cook, actually, but I do cook. I keep our family alive. I hate it so much. But I do know one thing. If a pot is boiling, you know what you have to do? Turn that heat down. You have to find the right level of heat so that the thing keeps cooking, but it doesn't boil over. Leslie, you guys are at the place of boiling over, so you can't have the conversation that you really, really want to have.

Just take into consideration, how can I turn this down? The list-making that Jill's talking about is powerful. Ask God to show you, to reveal to you, "Lord, show me, I can point out the speck in his eye every day, all day, ten times on Friday. But show me the log that I've got in my own," because this is the way that you want to finish well in your relationship. I say this not just to you, Leslie, but to all of you couples who are into that retirement, those early years. Don't fuss your way through this next chapter. Your kids don't like it; it's not good.

Jill Hubbard: Think about your energy too. When we're upset about something, when we're feeling robbed, we come in with kind of a whiny, angst-y energy that is negative. We need to take the emotion out of it. That's why writing things down can help to do that. Lean into what you want but not from a place of "I'm owed this" or "You owe me this." It'll go across a lot better and won't be that pressure that he's feeling.

Brian Perez: Leslie, great hearing from you today here on New Life LIVE. There's an article on our website, newlife.com, called "Eight Tips to Stop Anxiety Dead in its Tracks." Next time you're feeling like this, go read that article. We'll drop a link to it in the show notes. Thank you so much for calling in today to New Life LIVE.

Sue, we're going to speak with you after we go to Ashley in McKinney, Texas, who listens on KWRD. Hi there, Ashley. Welcome to New Life LIVE.

Ashley: Hi. I wanted your guys' advice on a situation. My kiddos have laptops; they are 10 and 11. There are really strict rules. Screens always have to be facing where parents can see them. It's done in the living room and they go in my room if I'm not home. I guess one day when I wasn't there this past week, my son went into our room and got the computers.

Yesterday, my daughter told me that I should look at her brother's search history because she opened his computer and there had been naked people on it. I wasn't ready for this conversation with my kids. My son—they're homeschooled—so it's not like there's all that. I really thought this conversation would get postponed due to them being homeschooled. But now it's here.

We went over First Corinthians on what sexual immorality is, how the devil uses that to stop us from fulfilling God's purpose in our life. I just don't know at this point, do I let it be? He's a little boy that's about to hit puberty and I don't know how little boys think. So what are my best steps to avoid this? I just don't want the enemy to attack him in a sexual way. He's already a little boy and that's already something that's harder for men. So what do I do?

Becky Brown: Ashley, the thing is he was a little late to finding it because the statistics tell us that children are seeing pornography as early as seven and eight. It's because we're on screens and because of the proliferation of the pornography industry that it's everywhere. This wasn't because you didn't do enough. But now that you're here, it's going to be conversations all along the way. Safeguards and conversations. It's literally this kind of back-and-forth. One question I have before we go to break: Is Dad in the picture, Ashley?

Ashley: Yes, he's very sick, and he's not a Christian, so honestly, I haven't even told Dad yet.

Becky Brown: Okay. Well, we'll talk about that after the break, Brian.

Brian Perez: Yeah. Thanks for calling today, Ashley. Stay on hold. We'll continue our conversation with you and with Sue as well, and everyone else who calls in today to New Life LIVE. Thanks so much for watching and listening and supporting us and praying for us and the people who call in to New Life LIVE.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Back to Ashley. You still with us, Ashley?

Ashley: Yes.

Brian Perez: Good. Thanks for holding through the break. Becky, what were you asking?

Becky Brown: Well, Ashley, we were asking about the father. Are you divorced from him?

Ashley: No, we're still married.

Becky Brown: Okay, so he's in the house. Is he physically sick?

Ashley: Yes, he has pancreatic cancer. He just doesn't feel good. Sometimes he can be a little too harsh because he feels so bad all the time. I wanted to approach this 100 percent the Jesus way. I wanted to go with grace. I was just afraid that with him not feeling good right now, it would be an anger response that he snuck into our room, got the computer, and that wasn't the focus for me.

Becky Brown: Have you talked to your son about this yet?

Ashley: Yes. I talked with him. I didn't actually see anything he saw because he had deleted the history, which I didn't know he knew how to do. I asked his sister a little bit, and she said the things she saw she didn't want to repeat. I said, "Okay, you don't have to." "Was it people naked?" She said yes. When my son came into my room and I had the computer, I told him, "I'm going to look up the history and I'm going to know what you saw." He said, "Well, can you see what's deleted?" I said, "Absolutely." That's when he started crying and he told me that it was naked people.

Becky Brown: Here's the thing. You want to have another conversation with him about those feelings, the crying. He knew that it was wrong. It's one of those things that we tell people all the time: you know it's pornography because of how it makes you feel. That's the power of pornography. I would continue to have the conversation about what God wants for him.

But going back to your husband for just a minute. Instead of springing this on him and saying, "You're never going to believe our son did this, that, and the other thing," I wonder if you have conversations about raising the children. Him being a young man who's going to be a man someday, what does your husband want for him as a man? That can be a very good way to have him speak into his life but not from a "You're in trouble" and chastised—all the drama that goes with that. Plus, it honors his connection with his dad. I know that his dad's not a believer, but I just think Dad's voice has to be in this somewhere. Sometimes harsh can be okay; it is dangerous.

Jill Hubbard: Dads do have different ways of dealing with things. I understand the dilemma you're in, but I do think if Dad is ill—and I don't know how much time he has—I would think you would want Dad to have some influence in Son's life. Finding a way to bring Dad in, even as a non-Christian, because I mean even if he thinks "men will be men" or "boys will be boys," not at 11.

At 11, part of your job as parents—and I would even tell your kids this—is to protect them, to not let the world in too soon because it's too much for them as they're developing. So that's your job. God has given them to you to protect. I think you have to acknowledge that "You broke our rules, and these rules were not to be mean, they were to protect you." It's kind of like Adam and Eve not being able to eat from the tree and then you eat, and now you know. We didn't want you to see those things this soon.

Move into more of a teaching moment now and to continue. I think one of our books, *Preparing Your Son for Every Young Man's Battle*, might be a good one for you to go through with him if you don't feel like your husband would be the one to go through that with him. Let's look at this and let's talk about this because now you've seen things that, of course, you would be curious about. What questions do you have about that? When Adam and Eve sinned, God called to them, and then He made clothing for them and He covered them and He protected them in this new state and He came up with a new plan. So that's what you have to do, Ashley.

Becky Brown: And Ashley, here's the thing too. Now you know your computer, your devices have to have passwords that they don't know. You have to also have a conversation with your daughter that, "Thank you for sharing," and not that she has to be the guard at this point. But how did it impact her? That's another conversation because she's seen the pictures now too.

Ashley: She's ready to never get married or have children.

Becky Brown: I know, because it's too much, too soon. She's too young. That's where your opportunity is to tell her that's not what God's design is for couples. The other part of this too, Ashley, is you need Covenant Eyes on your system so that it will alert you if this happens again. This is not about guarding; it's really about safekeeping and preparing them for life outside of your home, outside of your care. It's really about having those conversations—not like for an hour at a time but along the way.

Jill Hubbard: Multiple conversations. But also, Ashley, it's also not about just—you're not going to be able to protect them from everything. So then when stuff leaks in, how do you handle it? This is a first test for you to say, "Okay, we've got to deal with things so they're prepared." If they don't have any experiences, they aren't prepared when they hit the real world.

Brian Perez: Ashley, great hearing from you today here on New Life LIVE. There's a book we recommended called *Preparing Your Son for Every Young Man's Battle*. We're going to put a link to that in the show notes. Also, there's an article on newlife.com called "How to Help Your Teen Resist the Lure of Porn." We'll put a link to that in the show notes as well.

Back to the phones now. Here is Sue, who listens to us on WAVA in Washington, DC. Welcome, Sue, to New Life LIVE.

Sue: Thank you. I am calling to ask what might sound like an odd question, but I have acute anxiety/depression. I have episodes; I'm going through a really bad one right now. For some reason, I've always resisted medication. I'm not 100 percent sure why. But one of the questions on my mind was wondering how can a pill—again, an odd question, not a very educated one—how can a pill influence or affect your mind? That's something that I don't understand.

Jill Hubbard: Do you understand how a pill like ibuprofen affects your headaches?

Sue: I do. I can see how a pill affects a part of your body. I know your mind is a part of your body, but I just don't see how it acts the same way in terms of your mood or your thinking.

Jill Hubbard: I know, it's pretty remarkable. It does work on the neurotransmitters in the brain. It kind of controls or interrupts the flow and the reuptake of certain neurotransmitters. When you're depressed and anxious—anxiety, you're getting dumped with cortisol and depression, like everything in your body is depressed. It intervenes to interrupt that which is happening for you so that you can have more of what you need to be at a more stable place.

Psychotrophic medications are not miracle cures, but they do lift the bottom up to help bring you more to a middle ground. With anxiety, they help to calm that top of the anxiety. Again, so that you can return to kind of a thinking place where you can make better choices and be more yourself. But so Sue, in the long term, what have you done to manage this if you have had this?

Sue: I have been to a lot of different groups and talk therapy, mostly. I have been on medication for short periods of time a couple of times. For some reason, I've been so nervous and afraid of it, quite frankly, just afraid, that I didn't follow through on it very well. I've been kind of inconsistent. I'm in my 70s now, so I also wonder if there's an age limit on medication.

Jill Hubbard: Well, I think the age might affect the dosage level. Sometimes we become more sensitive to medications as we age. It sounds like you've done some good things. Studies have shown that doing medication alone doesn't do everything. Having therapy along with medication for some people is really most optimal.

Often the anti-anxiety meds are quicker acting and go in and out of your system more quickly. But the meds for depression often need time to build up in your system. If you've only tried it for a short time, you're really not getting the benefit of it. We also know that as people age, depression and anxiety often rise, especially with loneliness or lack of activity, friends dying, things like that can cause issues. I think you want to do everything you can to make these years—because you still have time left, right?—to make these years wonderful and not just want to withdraw, which makes it worse.

Becky Brown: Sue, it makes sense to me that you don't trust medication because that's a feature of feeling anxiety. The other part of that is the depression. When we have depression, your thinking is not correct and it's very hard. It narrows your thinking. The other part about depression is that you don't really know how bad you feel until you feel better.

With so many people in this dynamic, it's not one thing; it's a bunch of things. It is the group, it is therapy, it is medication. The hard part about medication is that it's really hard to figure out what works best for you. I would say if you want relief, I think that's where you start, Sue. You say, "How do I want to experience life? Do I want to get rid of this crippling anxiety, this depression? Okay, what do I know that I have as resources?"

If you have a good connection with a therapist and a psychiatrist, it's not a one-time thing where we're just going to do this and then for the next 30 years we're going to ride it out. It doesn't work that way. But it's not losing hope that "I can figure this out, I can have good structure around me to help me move forward in my experience of life."

Jill Hubbard: And Sue, I think a lot of times too, there is no perfect solution and certainly there are no perfect meds. They do have some side effects. They've really worked to have minimal side effects. You have to get through the side effects first; they usually will dissipate after two weeks, and then you have to stay on it long enough to have the benefit. If you can't tolerate it, you'll know within the first day or two that you can't tolerate it and then you talk to your doctor and you stop.

Becky Brown: While you're thinking, I was going to say here's a non-medication proven resource for anxiety and depression: it's walking. It's not running; it's literally walking every day outside if possible. You don't have to be a marathoner, but Sue, there is a dynamic in the way that our bodies move, the way that we experience the outdoors. It actually impacts our brain structure and that is proven. There are tons of studies that prove that.

Jill Hubbard: Absolutely. Yeah, and changing your diet—so there's all kinds of non-medication things that you can try. There are also meds, and this is what I was going to say, that are antidepressants that have a calming agent with them, like Lexapro. People can go on a very low dose and actually receive a lot of benefit. You talk with your doctor about different options and you let yourself just do a good trial. So let's say you're going to do it for six weeks and see if it helps. If you can tolerate it, then do it for six weeks and see if it's made a change. There's this risk-benefit that we look at. What are the risks versus what is the benefit of this? If the benefit outweighs the risk, knowing that nothing is perfect, then sometimes it's worth a try for the quality of life that we want to have.

Brian Perez: Sue, thanks so much for calling in today to New Life LIVE. Thanks for listening to us there in Washington, DC, on WAVA. Throughout the year, we hold weekend workshops across the country to help men fighting for their sexual integrity, women who've been wounded by sexual betrayal, and married couples living as just roommates. All of our intensives are led by licensed Christian counselors who combine biblical principles with practical help to jumpstart your healing. Thousands of people have found hope for a new life at a weekend workshop, and you can too. Visit newlife.com for all the upcoming dates and locations. We hold these throughout the year, so check that out at newlife.com. We'll be right back in just a few minutes here on New Life LIVE. Sandy, we're going to talk to you in just a little bit. My name is Brian Perez, here with Becky Brown and Dr. Jill Hubbard.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: How about we go up to the Northwest, Olympia, Washington, to speak with Sandy, who listens to us on KACS. Hi there, Sandy. Welcome to New Life LIVE.

Sandy: Hello. Thank you for taking my call. I appreciate it. I need some guidance in some decision-making I need to make. About 40 years ago—I'm going to make this short, I'll try—my husband and I were separated. I left the family. We had three children, and I came back. When I came back, I was pregnant. My husband forgave me; he accepted the child.

And then a few years later, we did it all over again. I came back home after about four months and I was pregnant. My husband forgave me and he loves that child just like the others. My problem is that we've never told the kids. We've never told them. They are like 40 years old, and I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't want to tell them. I don't feel like we should keep it a secret. I don't want to hurt them.

Jill Hubbard: Your husband doesn't want them to know because he loved them as his own. I'm imagining he doesn't want to be diminished in their eyes as not being legitimate.

Sandy: Exactly. He feels like he's adopted them in God's eyes and that God has adopted us.

Jill Hubbard: These men, Sandy, they didn't know that you were pregnant each time? The fathers of the children?

Sandy: One of them does. One of them is actually a family member. The other one is not, and I haven't seen or heard from him ever.

Becky Brown: Sandy, the family member—brother-in-law, brother, where does it fit?

Sandy: Brother-in-law.

Becky Brown: Okay. I'll let Jill be the softy on this, but here's the thing that I know for sure. Every human being deserves to know their birth story. This isn't about parental neglect or anything; this is literally the people that brought me into the world. The sperm donor, the egg donor. I deserve to know the truth about this as a human being.

I've worked with lots of different folks over my career that have either been adopted or had situations like yours, Sandy. This is not unusual. You're not the first or won't be the last. But what I do know is the people, whether it's the adoptee or in your situation, they deserve to know. What happens so many times in cases like this, nobody says anything and then they get to be adults. I've even had cases where the father passes away before the person can get to know them.

The other part of this too is the kids, the adults that you have that have different fathers from the one that raised them, they're going to have their own journey about how to handle this. Sometimes it can be a matter of just sharing the facts. Listen, I need to tell you that you were not from your father but from another man that occurred. It's going to be hard, Sandy. This is not easy to talk about. But I land on the fact that the person deserves to know who their birth parents were.

Whatever happens after that, that's very different for every single person. There are some people that find the birth father and are like, "Okay, thanks, I know you now and I'm just going to go on with my life." There's not a connection there. There can be all kinds of reasons for health and all that.

Jill Hubbard: Right, even more than knowing those fathers, because your husband was clearly their father. It's just biology, and the fact that they can find out. You don't want them to be surprised when they're doing Ancestry.com or the DNA kit, because that's how people find out when there is something. Then that's not a good thing.

Your husband, I totally understand where he is coming from. But in loving these children as his own, then it's about sacrifice. We parents, we sacrifice and we put ourselves sometimes on the back burner for the good of the child. In this case, they are adult children. It's loving them enough and trusting in the relationship that he has built over the years that if they know this—they might be mad initially, "You lied to us"—but I've known people where it's like, "Oh, I always felt different in my family and I could never pinpoint it. This makes so much sense."

Becky Brown: To Jill's point about the Ancestry, Sandy, I would want you to be the deliverer of the information. It will decrease the big reaction of "Why didn't you tell me?" You're still going to get that, but...

Sandy: I didn't quite understand that, that I should be the one to deliver the information versus Ancestry or a medical test? Or the father that knows and that may reach out? Because I mean, that happens; we've had that happen too where the person who's been out of the relationship says, "Hey, you know what, this is my child that I brought into the world, I want to have a relationship with them." Then it gets really tricky.

Jill Hubbard: The one that you don't have contact with, you don't have to reach out to. The family member already knows. If they're an uncle, I've known families where you keep being the uncle or you keep being the aunt.

Sandy: Well, he hasn't been in the picture. My husband and him—my husband's forgiven him, but we don't see him. He's got another life somewhere.

Becky Brown: How do you feel about that, Sandy, what we've talked about?

Sandy: I feel like—well, one of the things is, I agree with you. I feel like that they need to know. But I'm afraid also of what this is going to do to my relationship with my husband because he's saying no. He says that it will tear apart our family. I don't think it will. Being that the kids are adults, they're probably going to be really mad at me and that, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to be dead and gone someday and have them find out and you know, with no one to talk to.

Becky Brown: Well, Sandy, maybe if you guys can meet with a therapist to talk through some of that, you and your husband. Talk through his fears. These are all understandable, but it's worth exploring for sure.

Jill Hubbard: It's something that does need to be really planned out. I like the idea of you and your husband working through it first. Let's just go and put everything on the table—what we did, or what we haven't done, what I want to do, what you don't want to do, and let's talk it all through.

Brian Perez: Sandy, thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE. Let me take a moment to thank the wonderful supporters of New Life Ministries. It's because of you that lives are being changed every day through New Life. Your support brings real hope through daily radio broadcasts and podcasts that speak truth and healing into hurting hearts, transformative workshops that guide people through deep healing, connection to counseling and support for those ready to break free from pain and shame, and biblically-based resources that offer clarity, encouragement, and direction. Give online at newlife.com. Consider becoming one of our monthly supporters as well at newlife.com/99for1. God bless you guys. We'll talk to you next time on New Life LIVE.

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