New Life LIVE

Brian Perez: Hello, welcome to New Life LIVE. I’m your host, Brian Perez, and I’m here in the studio with Dr. Jill Hubbard. We've also got Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Becky Brown. She’s also the president of New Life Ministries, so I’d better get my act together. Becky, it's good to see you. How’s it going?

Becky Brown: It’s good. I was just thinking that I got a PhD and I didn’t even have to work for it. I’ll take it. How are you all? I’m doing well. In case you’re wondering, yes, I do have something on my mind. One of the things that I think about is what people believe to be true.

For the most part, we have an audience that are followers of Christ and believers, and many people will read the Bible. But I always think about in this day and age of so many voices coming from social media, the news cycle, and just so many pieces of information that we didn’t even look for that are in our minds, who are we believing?

I was thinking about a couple of passages of scripture. In Joshua 1:9, it says, "Have I not commanded you to be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Now, for believers, we say that's great. But when you are struggling with something, how quick is it to come to your mind that God has this? He tells us to be strong and courageous.

I know he’s talking to Joshua, but here’s the thing: it’s a message to us to be strong and courageous. Then I think about 1 John 4:4, what a lot of us who grew up in Sunday school doing sword drills know as, "Greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world." The NIV says, "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

I love the comment section of anything. I don’t care if it’s social media or an article that I’m reading; I want to know what people are thinking and saying. But a lot of times that impacts me in a way that I’m not paying attention to. It can alter the way that I’m thinking about a situation or about a person.

What I want is for us to go to the word first, to have that be our impact statement, what we do believe. That seems so simple, but when there’s so much coming at us, and then life is just lifing but God is Gidding, it’s true. No matter what you’re facing, it’s just one of those things that we do. We have to have a strong internal fortitude knowing that God is God.

He loves us. He created us for his purpose, for his glory, for his honor. But when we’re going through struggles, we all go through struggles, we have to be able to call that to mind. For some of us, the challenge is that we don’t believe what we’re reading when we’re in the word. We think it’s a great idea, or we think that the old messages that we got as a child are more powerful than the word of God that is in us.

Jill Hubbard: Or we believe it, Becky, but we only believe it to a point. It hasn't fully connected to our hearts, and that’s the rub. We may have the information, but those emotional experiences are really hard to override. So we need to do some head and heart connecting.

Becky Brown: That's right. In this time when there are so many voices in your head, maybe you need to listen to some truth, which is what we deliver here at New Life. We've been doing it for a long time. I want you to challenge yourself. What am I believing to be true? What am I afraid of? Challenge that with the fact that God’s got this. He’s brought you to this place and will see you through. I believe it.

Brian Perez: I do too. Tonight we are doing a webinar with JJ West called Identity in Christ. It's kind of in line with what you started our show with, the discussion about how we sometimes believe the things that we should not be believing about ourselves.

Becky Brown: That's exactly why I shared what I did. I’ve got a plan in my process. So many people get confused about who they are in Christ. Either they judge themselves too harshly or because of things that they've done or they’re stuck in right now, they think they're not loved by Christ. Again, past wounds and past hurts really define who we are in our relationships and in our struggles. JJ's going to do a great presentation tonight and there’s still time for you to join.

Brian Perez: What time is it at? It is at 7:00 PM Central Time. Do the math for your time zone and text the word WEBINAR to 28950 so that we can send you back a registration link. We’ll also send you a free tip sheet on identity. We would love for you to join us. You can also go to NewLife.com to find out about it or call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

Let's go to the phones now, beginning with Becky in Norwalk, who listens to us on NewLife.com. Becky, thanks for calling in today. How can we help you?

Caller Becky: I just wanted advice on what to do in a situation involving my dad. My family often visits my mom's side of the family who live in Europe, and my dad doesn't usually go for as long as we do. I think that it triggers a feeling of neglect or feeling left out because he'll call in and just go off on my mom one day for not calling him or not giving him attention.

It happens even when he’s there with us. If she doesn't spend enough time with him, he'll just get mad at her and say, "I'm here for you, why aren't you giving me attention and spending time with me?" This even happened when we were there for my grandpa's funeral. He'll be enjoying himself and supportive and be fine one day, but then the next he's almost like a completely different person; just angry and upset and triggered. It happens every time we go, so is there anything I can do to change it?

Brian Perez: It doesn't happen when you guys are at home? It only happens when you're traveling?

Caller Becky: Well, he's always needed a lot of attention and he always wants my mom to help him with stuff and do stuff for him. He's always needed a lot of attention from us, but I guess it's worse because we're so far away. If we don't call regularly, which we do, even then it feels like a trigger because it'll just be at random one day.

Jill Hubbard: At home, it sounds like he has your mom revolving around him and there aren't the distractions of family. When you go on vacation and go to see people, you’re going to see those people that you never see. Of course, they're the objects of desire and they get a lot of attention.

It sounds like this is kind of a little boy part of Dad that wants to be the center of affection, and he's requiring a lot from Mom. It’s not your job, Becky, to psychoanalyze your dad and figure him out, but I wonder what it was like for him as a little boy and if either he was overindulged and got all the attention, and so is expecting Mom and the rest of you to be like his mom, or was he neglected?

Does he have wounds from that? Regardless of which end of the spectrum it's at, it sounds like this is something for your mom to address with him. Perhaps even they might want to go do some couples therapy to talk about why it feels like the attention that he does get, he can't hold on to, almost like a bottomless pit. He feels abandoned when you guys go off and you're having fun and he's not the center, and so he's needing a lot of affirmation to feel okay about himself and to feel connected.

Caller Becky: I just wonder what I can personally do because he usually involves my brother and I, or if we're not directly involved, we see it. It makes me uncomfortable. It affects the mood of the whole vacation or just seeing the family.

Becky Brown: That's so hard because you don't spend time together and then all of a sudden you're in this place where you're going to have fun but you're all out of your normal routines. Traveling in general gets people deregulated real quick. What you may be seeing may be a little bit of that as opposed to the interpersonal.

I think one of the best tools is that strong internal fortitude of being aware that this is going to be a challenge. I'm going to try and practice being present but knowing that I’m not going to make him feel any better. We're not that powerful. You'd be surprised at how much when we can have that sense of peace and calm, that it will change the way the rest of the room feels and operates. I do think that there's an issue when you travel for anybody. That’s why people are losing their minds at the airport. It kicks in and all the stuff that when you're in your normal routine lays low, it gets jostled when you're out in the world.

Jill Hubbard: Out of your comfort zone. But I'm wondering too, Becky, if you could anticipate it out of your love and care for your dad and say, "Dad, we're going to be traveling and I know that when we travel sometimes it can at times be upsetting to you or feel destabilized. Dad, how could I come alongside you when you start to get anxious?"

Naming that he gets anxious. He's out of his comfort zone and he's getting anxious. What can I do for you when you get anxious? What would be helpful? See if he accepts that or if he denies that. If he says, "What do you mean? I don't get anxious."

Becky Brown: I was thinking that too, that you might want to come up with a couple of different words. How old is he, Becky?

Caller Becky: He’s in his sixties.

Jill Hubbard: Oh, he's young! He’s so young. This isn't an old man. But even a 60-year-old can get deregulated when we're in a different routine with different people. It's just one of those journeys of being the parent of adult individuals and how we move about in the world.

Becky Brown: Absolutely. Maybe you and he can have a codeword when he’s needing a little something extra. You just come alongside him and tap him on the back or something. "Hey Dad, how's it going?" and just lean into him a little bit more as a way of keeping the peace for you. Because it sounds like that's the thing; you don't like how it upsets everything. It might spur on some conversations before you go. What is it like for him? How does he feel? It must be hard when Mom's giving her family all this attention that he normally gets. Sometimes when we name things and say it out loud, it makes people more aware instead of just acting out the feeling.

Brian Perez: When's his birthday? Can you guys do some big celebration for him on his birthday? Maybe it'll help him a little bit.

Becky Brown: You could do Father's Day, but here's the other thing I was thinking. Becky, what are his interests? What does he like to talk about? What does he enjoy doing? Because I think that is also a way for you to connect with him both when you're all together and intermittently in between. How do I build that bridge with him so that when we're together at vacation, it's this natural connection that we're carrying on?

Brian Perez: When's your next getaway, Becky?

Caller Becky: We are actually leaving this week.

Jill Hubbard: It's time to start talking. Maybe you can even do a more direct approach. "Dad, I notice when we go away, it's really hard for you. What do you think that's about?" Maybe he doesn't realize everybody notices this.

Brian Perez: Becky, thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE. Call your dad and let us know how it turns out.

Becky Brown: It’s so funny about that. As the mom of adult kids, we really enjoy the connections that we have. It’s just fun to have that activity in bits and spurts. But we also want to have Dad to be part of the journey. We don't want to make it a fuss or push buttons and make people uncomfortable, but sometimes it's just how we get together.

Jill Hubbard: We want everybody to rally and be a part of it. It is hard when someone gets pouty or is thinking, "What about me?" I think he may be overwhelmed, too. That may be part of it.

Brian Perez: Let's go to our next call. Here is Serena in Savannah, Georgia, who listens to the New Life LIVE podcast. Thank you so much, Serena, for calling in today. How can we help you?

Serena: Thank you for everything you do. I really appreciate all the help and inspiration that comes from all of you there at New Life. My big question today is, should I confront my husband about false information that he shared with our daughter around his sexual integrity? She asked him a specific question and he responded with false information.

Becky Brown: Serena, the short answer is yes. I don't know about your recovery journey with your husband. Do you guys have a process as he has been working recovery? Do you both have boundaries and connection where you have a plan for how this has impacted your marriage?

Serena: He’s definitely working a plan. He’s in Every Man’s Battle group at church. He’s been in that group for just a few months. I really haven’t delved into any specific path to work through the issue.

Becky Brown: Serena, the reason why my quick answer was yes is because when you are in a process of recovery where sexual integrity has been the issue, where you’ve experienced betrayal, it changes the whole relationship. The fact that he would say something that's not true to her is like another betrayal to you because you want for him to be a man of character, you want for him to be a man of truth.

Now this is back in your corner. I heard you say this and I know that that's not true, and so what am I supposed to do with this? The fact that he said that to her isn't the big problem. The fact that the two of you haven't been able to really work together in a way that feels safe to you, that it feels like he's doing what you need him to do and what he ultimately needs to do for you as well as the family. We'll come back after the break to you, Serena, so stay on hold.

Brian Perez: I’m thinking too that maybe Dad didn’t want to disclose to his daughter because he had shame. He didn’t want to admit something. We’ll talk about that when we come back here on New Life LIVE. We’re talking to Serena.

And we’re back with Serena in Savannah, Georgia. You still with us, Serena? All right, thanks for holding through the break. What do you think of what you've heard so far?

Serena: I am thinking that something needs to occur, but I’m not sure what the most efficient road would be.

Jill Hubbard: Serena, so daughter asked her dad a question, he responded with a lie, and you heard that. I don’t know if anything’s been said yet at all, but I might instead of jumping into "you lied," I might say, "Can we talk about that interaction that you had with our daughter? Tell me what was going through your head when she asked that question." Try to get his take on it, what he was feeling. He might have some shame and not want daughter to know. What was that about? To be able to tell him, when you don't tell the truth, it raises a red flag inside of me. Trust is rebuilt through consistency, and you needing him to consistently show up and be transparent. But maybe the two of you need to talk about how are we going to share this with our daughter. Let's talk about a plan for that. What would be a more honest way to respond even if we don't want to tell her all the details or we're not ready to share everything with her? Let's you and I decide together so that we're ahead of these situations instead of you being caught off guard and then you lie and it rocks my trust in you. What do you think about that, Serena?

Serena: That's actually the avenue I was leaning towards, just to be curious why he was comfortable saying that to her when in fact she's 21; it's not like she's a child. It was a simple question: "Have you ever been unfaithful?" He just said no and left it at that.

Jill Hubbard: He may not have known how to answer that and also faced the shame of "Oh, now I’ve got to admit to my daughter that I cheated on her mom." You guys exploring that, he can always go back and say, "Hey sweetheart, I need to clear some things up. I didn't know how to respond when you asked me, but I want to tell you the truth and let you know that your mom and I are working on this and we're going to fix things." Serena, how did that make you feel?

Serena: Well, as soon as I heard it, I thought, well, that's not true and he actually understands that it's not true because he has been dealing with a porn addiction, a long-standing porn addiction. He understands that the pornography usage is still an infidelity situation and he has stated that to be so. He doesn't believe that it's not that kind of situation; he understands that it is.

Becky Brown: Serena, I want you to tell me how that made you feel.

Serena: Surprised and just curious about why he was comfortable saying that to her. I don’t think I was necessarily hurt, but I think at this point, if we're trying to help all the children just steer away from things that are on social media and different things that are going on, it probably would help to be honest with them when they ask us those kinds of questions to say, "This is why I recommend to you that you follow what God's word says because it can get to be dangerous for you and have a lot of different outcomes that aren't good." It could have been a catalyst to support what we've already been saying to them.

Becky Brown: The hard part, though, is he's not in a place where he's understanding that. You are, but I also hear there's still a lot of protection. You have an understanding of the stuck place that people can get in and it sounds like you guys have had some conversations about the way forward. This is an opportunity for growth.

When you said "get curious," I love that. I would love for you guys to get connected with a therapist who can help you guys unwrap this journey so that when it happens again, if there's a question or if there's an event, you can step into it understanding you've been forgiven, you're working your recovery, and he is too. You are united in the process of healing and it will be a great testament to your children, no matter what their age.

Brian Perez: Serena, thank you for calling in today to New Life LIVE. We’re going to take a quick break and then we’ll be back with more questions here on New Life LIVE.

And we're back on New Life LIVE. We just got off the phone speaking with Serena. Serena's 21-year-old daughter asked her dad, "Hey, have you ever been unfaithful?" and he said, "No." Serena was upset because that’s not the truth. There wasn't any talk about an actual physical affair in the phone call, but she said they both had an understanding that long-term porn addiction was a form of cheating. He was just kind of answering in a roundabout way. No, I've never actually done anything; I've never been with anyone else. Becky, what are your thoughts?

Becky Brown: Here's the thing. When the dynamic in marriage has been a sexual integrity breach, the couple has to have help navigating how we live fully seen, fully known, have a marriage of integrity, problems and all. I loved Serena's heart when she has an understanding of how impactful porn use is for a person and that was her concern with the kids.

This would be an opportunity for them to know the dangers, how it has impacted their dad or whatever. But here's the thing: unless you're doing that work in a way that the two of you are having the conversation, it’s really hard for that to happen with the kids. We've helped so many men get the freedom from the trap of lack of sexual integrity. That can be pornography, it can be affairs, it can be all kinds of things.

But what we do know is it takes a full commitment to living in the truth in all of your relationships, and you're not going to do that by yourself. There's going to be people around you, your spouse has to be part of this, and there's hope. It feels so painful in those early days, yet we've seen so many.

Jill Hubbard: And Becky, that's why our EMB intensive is an intensive and it helps to push through that shame. It's enough time over the three days to help you see that you can get past that. Weekly groups and weekly therapy, sometimes yes, it's good while you're there and we are supportive of all of that, but sometimes you come home and then you fall back because there isn't enough concentrated time.

Every Man's Battle is a no-shame zone. The men that you connect with there have walked a journey similar. The men who lead the groups have also walked a similar journey and found freedom and have led many men into freedom. We celebrate all of those free lives knowing that it has exponential reach for generations to come.

The guys that have found freedom, if you've ever listened to the program, you hear our commercials and you hear us talking about it, you'll hear the voices from the men themselves saying, "I was stuck and now I'm free." We're grateful to be part of that process and we want to help. Wives are usually the number one reason why men go. They say, "You need to go to Every Man's Battle, you need to do it as soon as possible," and it changes everything in their family, in their marriage for the good.

Brian Perez: What a blessing it would be if this dad, I agree with Serena, if this dad could use this as an opportunity to show his daughter something different. "This is what can happen and I'm different now. I didn't understand before and it's really important that when you're dating that you find out what is a guy's relationship with porn." That could be an important question to ask.

We had a couple of calls on Tuesday's show, so go back and find that one, the June 9th episode of New Life LIVE. A couple of guys called in and shared their testimonies of attending Every Man’s Battle and how it changed their lives. The one guy who said his fiancée just point-blank said, "Do you have an issue with this?" and he was like, "Okay." He enrolled and he called in to celebrate the fact that for the last three years, he and his now wife have had a great relationship.

You can find out more about Every Man's Battle on our website, NewLife.com. The next one is coming up the weekend of July 10th in Washington, DC. For women who have been betrayed through sexual integrity issues from their past or their husband that they're married to now, the Restore Healing After Betrayal intensive is happening in November in Washington, DC. Then there's the workshop that we do for couples called Intimacy in Marriage. That one is happening July 24th, also in Washington, DC. You can get all the details about all of our intensives, all of our courses, all of our webinars, everything we do. It's all online at NewLife.com.

Also on NewLife.com is a simple page that shows you how to reach us, how to send us your questions, how to call in. It shows you what times we are here in the studio to answer your calls and also how to leave a voicemail or an email. Go to NewLife.com/radio to find out those methods. I’m going to read one of those questions right now. This was an email submitted by Nathan.

Nathan asks, "What are strategies to manage the mourning and grief that swallow me at times because of the death of a dream? I'm 57, been married 33 years to a wife I love. The marriage has been functionally sexless from early on, with fewer than 10 encounters a year in the first decade and nothing for the past 20 plus years.

I'm a romantic person. I show my wife the greatest respect and have always been helpful and attentive. She tells me how handsome and sexy I am all the time. She holds my hand, she offers a massage, she cares for me, but her words and actions could not be further apart. I've raised my needs with her many times through letters and conversations, even in therapy. She has occasionally acknowledged it, but nothing's changed.

I've come to believe that she may be incapable of the kind of intimacy I've needed, not unwilling, and I am in the process of grieving that. That grief is incredibly difficult and draining. Acknowledging that what I had always been told about saving myself for marriage and God's ordained goodness in a marriage built on him has been nothing but a lie.

It's been destructive to my self-image, my worth, and my faith. I've gotten very good at being the happy guy publicly while privately struggling with deep loneliness, resentment, and grief. I'm a high-profile professional in a helping field, which has made it especially hard to seek help. I'm not looking for assurance that this aspect of my marriage will ever change. I can no longer hold on to that hope." Nathan just wants strategies to manage what it is that he's been going through for most of the 33 years of his marriage. Becky, what would you say to him?

Becky Brown: Well, I have two quick things. I want to know what the story is. I had a couple years ago in private practice and they had not been intimate for 13 years of their marriage. I explored when did it stop. There was a story there; she had had a bout with cervical cancer, the treatments, and then eventually it just stopped.

In this situation, he's telling his side of the story, but it's not her story. I’m glad to hear that they went to therapy, but there is a story there. The other part is, I would actually have Nathan go to Every Man’s Battle. He’s talking about this loss of hope. There's this drive within him to really want her, but I’m wondering, and he didn't act out, he’s not saying anything, so some of you are asking, why would he go to Every Man's Battle?

Because he's giving up on something that he doesn't totally understand and he talked about having this understanding of saving himself for marriage and it was all for naught, and it’s just this hopeless story that’s in his head. What I want for him to know is to understand how to connect in an intimate way that may not be connected to sex initially. But there's more to this story. I hear your pain, Nathan, but the answer isn't just have sex, or more sex, and then everything will be fine. There's an intimacy disorder here with the both of you and that needs to be paid attention to.

Jill Hubbard: We love our write-ins, but we can't ask all the questions that we have. I love, Becky, what you were saying about Every Man's Battle because I've actually had men say, "I don't have a porn problem. I don't have any of these problems, but I want to go." We've laughed about that, but you're so right; it so much delves into intimacy and father wounds, and we can all learn how to be more intimate and what gets in the way and how to see our wives differently.

Sexless marriage, that should never be. We do wonder about her story and what's happened in her life that keeps her from desiring that and what are her disappointments. Nathan describes himself as a romantic and he writes letters and he's tried everything, and that may not be a thing.

Too much of a good thing is too much. What has caused them to stop connecting at that level? I think there needs to be some exploring of that. I would want to be asking her, what disappoints you in this marriage? What do you feel like you've had to let go of? How have I let you down, sweetheart? What causes you to feel closer to me? What pushes you away from me? What gets in the way of you even entertaining the thoughts?

If she's more avoidant, she might be a little bit reticent. Does she even know that he's mourning and grieving and letting go of this dream? If I knew that, I think I would be so sad if someone that I was that close to was feeling these things and didn't bring it into relationship. Because so much of sex, especially for women, it starts in the mind. If we don't feel safe, if we don't feel emotionally connected, it's hard to go there. When you're working or you're busy and life gets in the way, it's easier perhaps not to, but it's something worth pursuing.

Becky Brown: It also becomes part of the fabric of their marriage. If this has been the case for 30 years, this is the way you do it. What we've taught couples at Intimacy in Marriage is you're not going to go from zero to 100. You're going to connect with each other not only having conversation, but also do you hold hands? Do you greet each other with a kiss when you come in the house? Does your face light up when you see your spouse? There are so many things that contribute to physical closeness in a relationship, especially a relationship of 30 plus years. This can be fixed. It can be. But maybe not in the way that Nathan thinks. That's where we've got to be willing to go. What is the story? How did we get here? What is the road back? Don't give up hope now. As spouses, we want to be on the same team. Repair those breaches however they show up.

Jill Hubbard: Be intentional. Don't let the gap get so wide. Lean in. Kiss. When I first was on the show, I said do the ten-second kiss when your husband walks in the door.

Becky Brown: There is a quote, Dr. Kurt Thompson, who says we are born looking for someone who's looking for us. JJ quotes that all the time at Intimacy in Marriage. Isn't it so true? We're hardwired for that connection. I hear the distress that Nathan is expressing. The answer isn't keep doing the same thing that you're doing expecting a different result. There's got to be a connection in a different way.

Brian Perez: Nathan, thanks for writing to us. You can get the email address and the voicemail number on our website, NewLife.com/radio, or call in when we're here in the studio. Becky, we've got a matching gift challenge going on right now. We're almost there, aren't we?

Becky Brown: It’s really amazing. I was celebrating with the team today that we had that extra gift which takes us to wanting to match $300,000, and we are at $221,000 and some change. If you haven't yet participated in the match, today's your day. Your gift will make a difference in the lives of so many people. Sometimes the "so many people" makes us numb to what it really is doing. I want you to think about the one that it's going to make a difference for. It could be the phone call that we answer. It could be maybe your life because you've been listening for so long. We are so grateful for the way that we've been able to connect people to the help and the hope that they need.

Brian Perez: They can give by calling us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or they can go to NewLife.com and give there or they can text the word MATCH to 28950. That's my favorite way to do it; it's just very simple and easy and it's done within a few seconds.

Another thing you can do online is sign up for our webinar. It is happening tonight. JJ West is going to be hosting it; it's called Identity in Christ: What the Bible Says. Such a great topic because so often we keep living in our past or we keep living in what we're going through right now, or maybe we had a problem with some kind of addiction and the enemy just loves throwing those darts at us. "Oh, you're always going to be this and you're never going to change." No, in Christ, you are a new creation and that's what this webinar is about.

JJ is going to tell you about your identity in Christ. Text the word WEBINAR to 28950. We'll text you back a registration link and a free tip sheet on identity. If you can't be with us tonight, sign up anyway because you'll get a link where you can watch the webinar up to seven days later. Do that by texting WEBINAR to 28950. We'll talk to you next time on New Life LIVE.