New Life LIVE

Brian Perez: Welcome to the New Life Live Podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Hello and welcome to another edition of New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we're going to be in the studio today for two hours taking your calls. Here's the number: 1-800-229-3000. Write that down. Maybe you don't need it today, but you'll need it in the future sometime. Newlife.com is our website.

Here to give you the advice that you're looking for, we've got clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard and licensed marriage and family therapist JJ West. Jill, how are you?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I'm great. I wanted to give a shout-out today to our Director of Communications, Lisa Voyen. It is her birthday, and without her, none of us would be where we're supposed to be, or at least at the right time. She keeps us all in check. Happy birthday, Lisa.

Brian Perez: As I've told her since I met her a year and a half ago, I wish I could clone her because she's just amazing, what she does. Thank you, Lisa, for everything. You are an amazing person. JJ, how are you?

JJ West: I'm doing great. Not only does Lisa keep our show on track and keep all of us where we're supposed to be, she also produces the Every Man's Battle podcast and keeps me and Doug on track where we need to be, which is a huge task. Kudos and the happiest of birthdays to Lisa.

Two things are on my mind. One is we just got back from doing another Every Man's Battle workshop in Dallas, and it was such a joy to be there and to be with those guys. I get to sit on the front row and watch God work miracles in people's lives. It was a great weekend, and I was so thrilled to be able to be a part of that.

The second thing on my mind is a conversation I had recently with a client who is in the midst of a career change. She's really not sure what the next step is for her. She's not really sure where God is leading her. We talked about Psalm 37:4, where it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

So often, I think we interpret that verse that as long as I delight myself in the Lord, I'm going to get everything that I want, like some sort of trade-off. But really, what the verse is saying is when I start with delighting myself in the Lord, he gives me my desires. He implants in me his desires and then brings them to fruition.

We start not with what I am going to do, what my income is going to be, or how I make this decision. I start with asking if my delight is in the Lord. Am I delighting in him? Am I trusting in him? Am I going to him? That's not just platitudes; that's tangibly sitting down and proclaiming to myself that God is in control and I am not. God is good, and I can trust him. I'm delighting in those truths today. As I do that, it shapes my heart.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I love that. It is Psalm 37. God isn't just hanging out waiting to sign off on our plan; he is directing the plan.

Brian Perez: If you want to talk to Jill and JJ, they're going to be here for two hours today. We can talk about depression, we can talk about mental health. It is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month. We can talk about that, guys, if you want to call in. Or maybe you know a man who is struggling with his mental health. You can call on his behalf. You can call using an anonymous name, a fake name. 1-800-229-3000 is our number.

If you went to Every Man's Battle this weekend, we'd love to hear from you. In fact, we've got Grant coming up and also Pat. Stand by. I want to tell you really quick about New Life recovery groups because recovery isn't just about what you give up; it's about who you're becoming. New Life recovery groups offer guidance, accountability, and community rooted in biblical truth. You can find a group near you or online at newlife.com.

We're going to begin with a call from Grant in Los Angeles. Hi there, Grant. Welcome to New Life Live.

Grant: Thank you. I was at Every Man's Battle this past weekend. It was really encouraging. I had gotten a scholarship to go as well, and I'm just really grateful for the opportunity to be there with a group of around thirty guys. To know that there are other men that you can relate to, that there's a greater plan and purpose and not just things that eventually are going to lead to destruction. JJ mentioned it, and I was like, "I've got to call in."

Brian Perez: We appreciate your call. What's your story briefly? What led you to Every Man's Battle?

Grant: I remember the book being released when I was in high school or college. I've gone to different groups and tried to be discipled, but I had gone through a divorce that was related in part to a lack of integrity. I'm engaged now, and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.

A friend from church told my fiancée about your ministry. At first, I was a little hesitant because I hadn't really heard of you all. I'd been going through a different ministry and just wrapping that up, but it was kind of coming to an end, so I wasn't really sure what to do next. With Every Man's Battle and the Sustained Victory groups, that was just really helpful.

The small group leader is a life coach from North Carolina. I met guys from all over: Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Ohio, and North Dakota. It's unique in California understanding how many men are struggling with the same thing. It doesn't really matter where your geographical location is. It's good to know we don't have to be lonely. We need that fellowship and iron sharpening iron.

JJ West: Grant, thanks for calling in. It was so great to meet you this weekend. I'm glad to hear that you're wanting to take this seriously and continue on with Sustained Victory. Could you share with the audience one takeaway that you don't want to forget, a truth that you were challenged with this weekend?

Grant: It's just how we have to connect with God, with ourselves through journaling, and then with other people. I might have bad habits, but if I think my way into a bad habit, I'm not going to be able to think my way out of it. It really does need some sort of influence to break the cycle.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Grant, thank you so much for calling. As the female here on the panel today, your future wife will be so grateful. It's such a gift that you have given her that you've acknowledged this, that you see the problem, and that you're not just thinking your new marriage or your new wife will fix this problem. No, it's something you are taking responsibility for and taking care of so that you can start off differently. Love it.

Brian Perez: That's something we talk about here on New Life Live about Every Man's Battle. Some single guys will think that once they get married, all these urges will change because then they can have sex with their wife and it won't be a problem. But you can find out more about Every Man's Battle on our website, newlife.com. Find out when the next one is and get registered right away. If you register right now, you'll get an early bird discount.

Let's go to Pat in Byers, Colorado, watching us on NRB TV. Hi there, Pat. Welcome to New Life Live.

Pat: Hi, thanks for the call. I've been seeing a therapist. She's not a Christian therapist. I've seen her a couple of times. I write poetry and songs and everything like that. She asked if I could send her a screenshot of some of my stuff. I sent her a screenshot of a couple of completed songs that have music to them from not too long ago.

She asked if I could send her some more. I said, "Well, I'm not finished with some of the stuff I'm writing." She said, "Send it to me and I'll add AI to it to complete it." I thought that was a little strange because this is kind of personal stuff to me. I kind of have a little bit of a problem with boundaries. I'm asking myself why I feel uncomfortable, or am I just guarding? She's the therapist, I'm not. Do I send her my personal stuff that's not finished? I was perplexed. Why would AI finish something for me?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Why is she taking on your project versus you bringing it into the session and using it to talk? Music and writing are wonderful ways of expressing how we feel and where we're at. To share that with your therapist is part of your therapeutic process, not for her to take and polish up and possibly do something with.

I would want to talk with her about that in the session and talk about your discomfort. This is a relationship, and the things that come up in the therapy room can be used to really help you and be very therapeutic. If you're having these feelings with her and you're telling me you have boundary issues, it tells me that you're sensing that maybe there's a boundary violation going on.

Pat: I don't know if that's my problem.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: That's okay. You're going to therapy for you. You don't have to decide what's her problem; you just have to tell her how it makes you feel. In trying to learn about boundaries, it feels uncomfortable that your stuff would be taken and something else done with it. This is your creative process. There are a lot of issues now with people doing that with AI, and we're then lacking something in our own creative process.

Brian Perez: Would that be normal for a therapist to ask someone to bring in their work, like if they're an artist, to bring in their paintings?

JJ West: Yes, to bring it in to process together what this is expressing about you or what you were trying to communicate. That's very normal. As Jill was saying, good therapy is supposed to be a microcosm of how we do relationship. It's important, Pat, for you to be able to make your request known and make your feelings known.

To be able to say, "I just need you to know that I was feeling uncomfortable at this request." You're not assigning judgment or blame or saying she did something wrong. You're simply expressing that in that scenario, you felt uncomfortable with her asking for this when it's unfinished because it's something that you want to complete. That's completely fine for you to share that. Because good therapy is supposed to be a microcosm, it helps to practice how to have and maintain good healthy boundaries with others where you can express what your wants, desires, and feelings are without fear of retribution.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You can approach it from a stance of wanting to understand more about what the therapeutic purpose is in that. I don't know if you talked about wanting to produce your songs and somehow maybe she has an interest in that and so she's going to help you. That also wouldn't be appropriate. This is your process. She can certainly add in her experience or knowledge of the subject, but it's yours to do and to decide what to do with. Just approach it from a stance of wanting to understand more what the therapeutic purpose is in that.

Brian Perez: Have you copyrighted your work, Pat?

Pat: Yes, the two that I sent her are copyrighted. I told her it's copyrighted, it's in the studio, there's music to it, but she wasn't interested in that. She didn't want to hear it. It was just a screenshot of the lyrics.

JJ West: Were you clear when she asked for the first two what the therapeutic value was in that? Did she share with you what she was wanting from that?

Pat: She kind of described it in our first session. I said sometimes I'm a singer and sometimes I get stuck and I don't feel like singing. She asks where it is located. I said kind of in my solar plexus area. She says she's doing some research on that. When people are stuck that are singers in particular, she says there's a reason for it being stuck in a certain place.

She knows a lady who is an opera singer that they're thinking of doing some kind of a program to find out why a person would at times sing from their diaphragm and other times from their throat. She's going into all that, and she said it's going to be a non-profit thing and I would be perfect for that. I went along with it and sent her the two songs that were completed. But what got me was that she didn't want to hear the music. It's a lot different when you hear the music; it's a beautiful song, but she didn't want to hear the music.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Are you wanting to be a part of that project?

Pat: At first, I said that might work. But then in thinking about it, I think it's just going to bring me more into being on guard about where I'm singing from. Sometimes after our sessions, I don't feel hopeful. I thought, "Well, therapy is sometimes not comfortable," and I thought, "Or am I guarding?" So I'm going in circles. Is it me? Is it you?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: There may be a little bit of a dual purpose or dual agenda happening here if she's doing research and she's wanting to pull you into that. It's perfectly okay for you to say, "The more I think about it, I've changed my mind, and I don't think I want to be a part of a research study. I'd like to just do my own personal therapy apart from that."

Brian Perez: Pat mentioned something that I wonder if other people think about sometimes when they're with their therapist. You automatically assume they know better.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Don't do that. Don't check your brain at the door. You know yourself, and the thing is to listen to what is coming up for you. This is a chance for you to practice. There's great examples and poor examples in every profession, just like in counseling.

Brian Perez: We're not judging the therapist; we're just responding to what you're telling us and to your reactions. Pat, thanks for calling us today here on New Life Live. We've got Kay and Linden standing by, and we're waiting for your call too. 1-800-229-3000.

I'm so excited to launch our 99 for the 1 partner initiative. Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression—all kinds of ways. It reminds us of the story in Luke 15, where the shepherd leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. We've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we can continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or visit newlife.com/99for1.

God's heart is for every individual who is hurting, broken, or lost. At New Life, we're committed to joining in that pursuit, ensuring that no one feels beyond reach. When you give to New Life Ministries, you're helping assure that we can continue to answer the call of the hurting with biblical resources. Right now, because of a $300,000 matching gift, your donation has twice the impact. To make a difference today, call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE, visit newlife.com, or text the word MATCH to 28950.

JJ, you've got a webinar coming up this week. Tell us about it.

JJ West: I do have a webinar coming up this week. I'm excited about it. It's called "Identity in Christ: What the Bible Says." It's really a webinar for everyone, but specifically, it's for those of us who have struggled with rooting our identity in something like our profession, our role, or in our relationships, whether I'm a parent, a spouse, or a sibling. Often, it's in what other people say about me or past mistakes and things that I've done that I just regret.

When we root our identity in something that is fleeting, something that's temporary, it's very much like being in a boat and trying to stop the boat with an anchor that's just dragging along the floor and not hooked into anything. This webinar is about teaching us how to connect our identity to what the Scriptures tell us. Jesus is our anchor beyond the veil. We want to root our identity in something permanent, in our identity in Christ, because that's something that's going to last. It doesn't get pushed around by the waves of life.

Brian Perez: Find out more about it at newlife.com or text WEBINAR to 28950. We'll text you back a registration link and also a free tip sheet called "Five Ways to Live Confidently in Your Identity in Christ." Join us this Thursday at 7:00 PM Central time for this 90-minute webinar that includes 30 minutes of Q&A. If you can't be there this Thursday, sign up anyway because after the webinar, you'll get a link where you can watch it for the next seven days.

All right, let's go back to the phones. Here is Linden in Upper Marlboro, Maryland. Welcome, Linden, to New Life Live.

Linden: Thank you. It's an honor and privilege to be here on New Life Live. I must say how grateful and thankful I am this afternoon to share part of which God has delivered me from my story. I accredit all of this to Every Man's Battle. I heard JJ West there; he was in the session in August 2023. I was the only person from Guyana, a man from Guyana suffering with an addiction to pornography and masturbation. I was dating with marriage in mind, and when my fiancée confronted me with a simple question, "Are you involved in pornography and masturbation?" I stopped for a moment, and I tried to minimize it. I said, "You know what, it's on and off, it's no big deal." I wanted to just keep it that way.

But when she asked me a resounding question, "Can a woman be just a little bit pregnant?" that hit me like a stun gun. I came to myself. The conviction was so strong. When I looked into her eyes, she began to cry. I said to her, "Patricia, I'm willing to do anything to change this." I didn't want to lose her. That is where she invited me to Every Man's Battle. I was in Guyana, and she invited me. I was there, and I learned so much. We had break-out groups. I learned to look at her—when I came out, I was so excited. I called her and said, "Babe, listen, I now see you with new eyes." Before then, I objectified women. Now I can see you with the eyes of Christ. I can see you as a human being, as a beautiful woman of God, as my prospective wife.

I learned from that what thought do you use to replace when the enemy comes again with temptation? God made us with our beautiful eyes to see. When a young lady crosses paths or when some woman is wearing skimpy clothing or garments, what do we do? When we see that image, do we hold that image and keep it in our thoughts, or do we replace it with something different?

Brian Perez: Linden, thank you so much for that testimony. You learned a lot. That's a good woman. We can talk for hours about Every Man's Battle, but when someone calls in and shares how it changed their life, that speaks volumes. God bless you and Patricia. We are so glad that you're doing the work to just be that man of God, that man of integrity that you were meant to be.

Next, we're going to help someone else. This is Kay in Dallas, Texas. Welcome to New Life Live, and thanks for listening to us on SiriusXM. How can we help you?

Kay: Hi, thank you for taking my call. I almost fell apart when your screener was asking me specifically what I wanted to talk about. I want to forgive my ex-husband. I ask God every day to bless him and bless his new wife, whom he had an affair with. Within six months of us being divorced, he was engaged to her.

We were married for 25 years. I ask God every day to bless them and help me mean it. I don't mean it. I'm asking him to help me mean it. I just don't understand how someone can do something like this. I know it happens every day, but how does God look at someone who did something like this? They pick up, they move on, they go to church on Sundays, and they go to the country club for lunch and play tennis. They're just this happy couple. It's honestly like I was erased.

It's been four years since we've been divorced. I know that he had planned it for a year prior to COVID. What happened was my dad died in June. His best friend lost his business during COVID and committed suicide in September. My sister died from COVID in October. Our goddaughter was hit by a drunk driver in November. We had such a horrific 2020.

On New Year's Eve, I gave him a notebook with Scripture and a pen and his monogram on it. I had one for me. I said, "2020 was from the pit of hell. Let's write down our bucket list for '21 and just figure out what we're going to do." He put his pen down and he said, "I want a divorce. I'm having an affair." Happy New Year. Within six months, he moved out.

I'm fully functioning. I go to work. I have a full-time job. I provide for our daughter. But it's those quiet moments when I'm praying and I'm thinking, "Lord, you saw that, right? You saw that." I don't want to feel that way, but I don't know what else to do.

Brian Perez: Kay, you have a daughter, right?

Kay: We have a wonderful daughter. She's now 20, very well-adjusted, loves the Lord. His new wife has two young teenage daughters, so I'm sure that's a lot of fun. We don't really have anything to do with one another. I have seen him recently; my daughter was in the hospital, and we were both there. God gave me everything I had prayed for. He gave me peace, a calm tongue, and a sound mind. I was not emotional. I was nothing other than kind to him. He's always going to be kind to me because I know deep inside he feels very guilty. But I just need to move on. How do I just let him go?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Kay, it's so hard. I wish I could say it's quick, but it is a long journey. It's a gradual journey. I actually think you're doing pretty well for it just being four years out. You were married 25 years to this man, and sounds like you were pretty blindsided.

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. There's too many people who confuse that and they think to forgive is to forget. The Bible doesn't teach that. Just because you remember what happened to you and the pain that it has and continues to cause doesn't mean you haven't forgiven.

I remember what Steve Arterburn used to always say. In the beginning, he prayed that his wife would be hit by a car. Then he prayed that she would come down with a fatal illness. Then maybe just boils all over her body that were really painful. Gradually, at about five years or so, he said, "Okay, the rain falls on the just and the unjust. I'm going to pray that good things happen." It was a gradual thing.

So with forgiveness, we can forgive what has already happened, but your heart doesn't immediately catch up to that. Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving; it gives you things you never ever wanted. God hates divorce and everything around it because of the ripple effect. It's not just the day you sign off and you're officially divorced. No, it affects every aspect of your life. You have a child together. Yes, she's 20, but there are future things. There are reminders of that.

Give yourself some grace. Realize you're in process and that it happens gradually. Have friends around you. You need people you can complain to. Remember that the wicked prosper for a season, but just because God may seem a little bit silent, he's not absent. He is working behind the scenes, and people are held accountable for their actions. You might not see it in this lifetime, but usually eventually you do. Of so many people that I've counseled, years later things happen and you go, "Okay, there it is, God. Vengeance is yours, and you are just." They're living on the high of their new love or whatever, but it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

JJ West: We often will say, "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord," as in, "So go get them, God." As opposed to letting God handle what needs to be handled and not taking it myself. But the third thing that I think is the most important is your question about whether God sees. Are you keeping an account? Do you see what happened? I would invite you to turn that to "God, do you see my pain?" The answer to that is yes because we serve a God who enters into our pain with us. Thank you for calling, Kay.

Brian Perez: Kay, there's a book in the newlife.com store called *Intimate Deception* from our friend Dr. Sheri Keffer. We've also got an intensive coming up in November called "Restore: Healing After Betrayal." You can find out all about it on our website.

Let's go to Holly in Orlando. It's her first time listening to New Life Live. How can we help you?

Holly: I've been struggling for a little bit now. I've been divorced for almost two years. I was married for almost twenty. In that time, I had a lot of issues with my husband. He was unfaithful to me pretty much our entire marriage; I just didn't realize it. He had a sex addiction and he kept it hidden pretty well. He was military at the time, and there was a lot of things going on. He kind of got really abusive with me. There was a lot of aggression and little things going on.

About three and a half, almost four years ago now, my best friend suddenly passed away. At the time, he was getting really violent, getting really aggressive with me and not just with me but our animals and all kinds of stuff. I had started to separate, but in my head, I'm going, "I married this man, I love him, I want to be a good wife and do what God would have me do." I felt like staying with him, fighting through the issues. I didn't realize there was an addiction component.

The divorce happened very suddenly. I didn't even know that we were officially divorced until months after because he got a default judgment. Within six months to a year, he was already remarried to another woman. Before my best friend passed, I found an account that he was basically catfishing for young girls. I didn't understand at the time what I was looking at.

Then I found out once I left and went home that he had been inappropriate with my niece and tried to have her cover it all up and delete all the messages and stuff. At that moment, I went, "It's either this man that's abusing me, or it's my family and my niece that I need to protect." Then within months, my father passed, my uncle passed, a woman that was like a grandmother to me passed. They all started passing very quickly. While that happened, he literally snuck in a divorce. He knew I couldn't come home and he basically set up to where they didn't serve me until the last minute.

So all of this stuff has happened. He has now remarried a woman. It took me decades to actually know who he was because he's very good at hiding it. She has kids, she has grandkids. I'm afraid to not speak up because that's how he got away with all the indecencies he did and the addiction he had.

Brian Perez: So you're saying you want to tell the new wife about his past, about what he did to your niece?

Holly: Basically warn her because, again, there's a lot of damage that can be done without knowing the truth. I don't want her to go through what I just went through with my family, my friends. I am afraid to just wash my hands of it. Is that what God would have me do? Is that what's right? I don't want to hurt them, but at the same time, I know what he's capable of.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: With your niece, was this reported?

Holly: It was not. My sister did some crazy things to me, and that was how she got me to walk away from him because she has her own issues.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Holly, I would consider calling Child Protective Services in the state where he lives. You can call anonymously and ask the questions. Say, "I have information on a situation, and this person is in proximity to children and I'm concerned. What do I do with that?" You can say there was a situation and my family chose not to report it, but I have this information. They can help walk you through that and tell you what you can do with the information. You want to start a paper trail because that then adds to the case should there be anything else.

I understand your concern and wanting to warn her. I'm just not sure about you jumping in the mix and contacting her. JJ, do you have thoughts on that?

JJ West: I was wondering the exact same thing as Jill: was the niece underage at the time of the inappropriate behavior? Is she still a minor? Different states have different laws, but in Florida, if she's still a minor, there's a requirement to report. I know that you're currently in Florida, Holly, but I don't know if the ex lives in a different state.

Where does the niece live? I do agree that there's going to need to be a follow-up with Child Protective Services where your niece lives to find out what is the next step. That may then guide what your next step is with regard to your ex and his new wife. Regardless of what the next legal step is, I think it's important for you to recognize that even if you take the step of saying something to the new wife, which you're well within your right to do, one, she may not believe you, and two, he may twist the story to make it out like you are just trying to cause trouble.

The reason I'm saying that is not to convince you to not say anything; it's to recognize that it's important for us that whenever I'm going to confront someone, I need to be okay with whatever the outcome is. If I need the outcome to be a certain way, I may not be ready to confront. If I need her to believe me, or if I need this to end with him facing some jail time or whatever, I may not be ready to confront. But I do think you need to report to the legal authorities there for sure.

Brian Perez: Holly, thanks for calling us today here on New Life Live. We're going to be here for another hour. 1-800-229-3000.

Thank you so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. Thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad you're here.