New Life LIVE

Brian Perez: Hey everyone, thanks for joining us today on New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we're going to be in the studio for two hours today. So call in if you're dealing with grief or anxiety or betrayal or just that sense of what is going on in my life. We would love to talk to you about it at 1-800-229-3000.

And here to help you today, we've got licensed professional clinical counselor Becky Brown, who is also the president of New Life Ministries. And in the studio with me is clinical psychologist and author, Dr. Alice Benton. She just released her second book. It's called 100 Days of Biblical Family Engagement, and it's a devotional that's written to make a brief Bible discussion accessible and relevant for today's busy, screen-distracted families. Are there screen-distracted families out there, Alice?

Dr. Alice Benton: Oh, I think we all are. My top concerns as a mother—I have three children—are will my children choose Jesus as adults, and will they struggle with addiction? And of course, screen addiction is probably the most vulnerable addiction to which our children are most vulnerable.

So I've deeply researched what I can do about those two top concerns as a mom. Well, I can clean up my act, which is lifetime work. Lying, historically smoking, drinking—if I expect my children to live a sober life, am I doing my best to live a sober life? And I can model and teach them self-control.

But self-control is tricky because it has to be internalized by other people. And so as I looked into what works to increase self-control in children, well, it's a fruit of the Holy Spirit. So how do we access fruits of the Holy Spirit? In part, we can do it through reading the Word of God.

And I wanted to make that accessible and quick because every time I had previously tried to read the Bible, I would get stuck in the list of begats or I would get stuck in the temple measurements and think, what does this have to do with my life, and how can I make this interesting to my children?

But research on families who have a touch with scripture four times per week—and it can be a very brief touch—the divorce rate drops significantly, and it's at 50% for Christians and non-Christians alike. And that touch with scripture lowers the likelihood of addictive behavior of all sorts.

So I wrote this book for my children and I found that it worked. Even though we squabble in our family, we have short attention spans, I bring the book to the meal table, and it's just one little verse, three questions, and a prayer each day.

And it gets us into rich and deep discussion. It actually has redeemed the family meal table because we go from our squabbling, tense, normal selves to discussing God's word. One of the most powerful ways this can happen is if a father is willing to participate or lead that discussion.

Research shows that families that have a meal together just a couple times per week, a screen-free meal in which the father is engaging the children in conversation, that rate of addiction drops significantly. This book you can order it off of Amazon. If you order it now, it will be available for Father's Day. What better gift than to put this into the hands of fathers to equip them to lead their family in spiritual discussions? But moms, even if we're the ones that lead, it is still incredibly powerful for our children.

Becky Brown: Alice asked me to endorse it and I happily did that after reading it because it is simple and it is direct. And it is a way for families to connect on the Word of God, which is a very rare thing right now. And so what a great tool to be part of the family time together, whether it's dinner, whether it's a separate time where sitting around and gathering around God's word. What a gift. Thank you, Alice.

Brian Perez: Look for it on Amazon, 100 Days of Biblical Family Engagement. There are several ways that you can send in your question here to New Life Live. Our favorite way is when you call in to 1-800-229-3000 when we're here in the studio like today. We're going to be here for two hours with Becky Brown and clinical psychologist and author Dr. Alice Benton.

And you can also send us emails or voicemails, and the instructions on how to do that are on NewLife.com/radio. You'll see the phone number that I give often here, 1-800-229-3000, plus a phone number where you can leave a voicemail and an email address where you can send us an email. So however you contact us, we sure do appreciate it. We love hearing from you guys and we try to help as best as we can.

And here is one of those questions that was submitted online, and this one is from Alessandra. She asks, "How do I navigate heavy emotions while struggling with infertility?" Alessandra says, "I called in a few times. My husband had an affair, then I acted out sexually during our separation, confessed, did and am doing a lot of inner work, and am scheduled to see a New Life counselor next week.

My husband and I have a deeper connection than we ever had and have experienced tremendous healing. We've been hoping to start a family and I've been struggling with infertility for two years. I'm angry, bitter, and very sad. I find myself weeping to God a lot. How do I navigate such heavy emotions? The lie I've believed about myself is there's something wrong with me, and I would love some guidance on how to work through that when that lie pops up in my fertility struggles." Becky, what would you say to Alessandra?

Becky Brown: My heart goes out to you, Alessandra, because I hear this from so many women who are ready to make a family and for some reason the body's not responding. And there's a zillion reasons why that happens, and then it leads into what can I do? Is there a way for me to correct this? Is there some sort of thing that I need to address medically?

But first of all, I also want to say great job for you guys doing the work to heal and move closer together. That's a place of hope. So what do we do in this place? Well, we grieve, we connect with other women, we do all of the medical testing and research that we can to find out what is actually going on because sometimes it is something that can be addressed medically. But other times not knowing adds to the frustration.

There is an online community, Hannah's Prayer. I don't remember exactly what the website is, but I know that it has helped so many women because this is not an unusual thing for lots of different reasons. But you are not alone, Alessandra.

And I think the bitterness and the frustration that's coming up needs to be addressed because you don't want to go down into a spiral and move into a place where this is hopeless. We want to get you the help that you need and I'm glad you're going to see a counselor because that'll be a great way for you to move forward.

Brian Perez: What was the name of that group again, Becky?

Becky Brown: It's called Hannah's Prayer. And I tell so many women about this because there is nothing like that community that says "me too." Not trying to fix each other, but it's also just that concept of I'm not alone, I am seen, I can hear what other people have struggled with or even ideas about who to go to as far as medical interventions.

What does God say about medical interventions? Because I've even had that question before: does God approve of IVF and the different things like that? So there's a lot of stuff that women will struggle with, but you're not alone. And I also want you to pay attention to the effect it has on you as a couple because even though you have just started with this journey of dealing with the infertility, you and your husband both need to be tracking together because he's going to have some of these same feelings that he's going to have to deal with as well.

Dr. Alice Benton: Alessandra, one of the questions that I want to ask God after I die is, why did you not give babies to the women that so badly wanted them and would have given them a great home, loving you, modeling that? And why did you give babies to people that don't even seem to care, that don't take care of their children? Why, Lord?

And Alessandra, I've worked with women who have a similar journey to you and they share that very pain with me. And so often when they see another parent pregnant again, or they hear stories of child abuse, neglect, and abandonment, they think, God, I'm here, I'm ready, why not me?

And so your ability to say I'm angry, I'm bitter, and I'm sad is already such an important part of your healing. And if I were in a session with you, rather than helping you move past those feelings, I would ask you to learn how to feel and deal, and that means sit with those feelings with therapeutic guidance.

I'd ask you to identify where you feel them in your body. Most people feel anger in their throat, in their chest. And then I would have you think back to other ways God and people around you have disappointed you because there's always a connection to historical feelings when something is so strong and overwhelming in the present day.

And those emotions, they are righteous emotions and that's why I don't want you to move past them too quickly. And they lead us to a need, which I would want you to identify. Certainly, you just need God to answer your prayer and give you a child.

But in the meantime, you need something else, which is probably comfort and understanding. And well-meaning people might try to get you to think positively too quickly. But this kind of ongoing pain needs someone to sit with you in the darkness and the disappointment of not being able to have a child.

And so I want you to try to figure that need out with this New Life therapist that you will be seeing soon. Figure out with that person what kind of comfort really gives you that sense of being understood and loved without people trying to fix you.

Lastly, I'd ask you to look for a way in your community to love on children because you already have the gift. You have the heart for them, you're willing to take on the sacrifice that is parenting. And so until God gives you your own child, would you look for ways to love children well around you? Because there are a lot of lonely kids out there whose parents don't know how to have the kind of heart that you do.

Brian Perez: Alessandra, thank you so much for sending in your question through NewLife.com/radio. And if everybody watching and listening right now could be in prayer, keep Alessandra and her husband in your prayers.

1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today here on New Life Live. And we're going to be here for two hours. Can't wait to speak with you. In fact, Cheryl, we're going to talk to you after we go to Karen in Tampa, Florida, who listens to the New Life Live podcast. Welcome, Karen, to New Life Live.

Karen: Thank you, thank you for taking my call today. This is my first time. I've been listening to New Life since the early 2000s, so long, long-time listener. So here my situation is, I'm almost 70 years old. My husband had a stroke three years ago and we still have a mortgage on our home. He's collecting disability, but I need to work full-time.

The company I was with basically terminated my position last Wednesday. I'd been with them nine years. I didn't see it coming. They basically demoted one of the sales reps, had me train them up, and then basically tossed me to the side. I know it was budgetary in nature, I get that, but I feel totally rejected and all the effort. I'm a baby boomer, I have a strong work ethic, and I cared about the company. And I'm just I just feel totally lost and it's been a week now and I'm just overwhelmed with grief and disappointment.

Becky Brown: It's okay, Karen. It's hard. It is a grieving process on so many levels. Your husband's health, the job that you poured so much of your life into and it sounds like you were let go without really any warning. What did they say to you, Karen? Go ahead.

Karen: Yeah, none. Basically back in March, late in March, the company's not doing well, it's a direct mail marketing company. They had layoffs at the end of March. In fact, the gal that was working with me that I oversaw, they let her go. And I thought at that point well, are they going to keep the old lady or are they going to keep the younger one?

Well, they let her go. And I went for a month and a half without that because the job does require two people. In any event, they demoted one of the sales reps in early May and they gave him to me. And they had me train him up, which I did to a degree, and he wasn't totally ready yet.

But the bottom line is last Wednesday, I'm called into a meeting with HR and the gal that's my direct director, the sales director, and she said, "I hate to do this," or she didn't say that, she said for budgetary reasons we're going to be eliminating your position. There's no severance, nothing, just you're gone.

And I was just totally blindsided. And right now we started, we had nine reps at one point, sales reps, and we were actually down to four. And three of the four actually reached out to me and they were like, "Are you kidding?" So it was a situation where and I really I'm very quality-oriented, ethical. I love the people I worked with. I loved what I did.

But at I understand I shouldn't take it personally and people say well, you know, God has a better situation. And I understand like three years ago, that's when my husband had the stroke. That was critical and that was a situation where I didn't know if he was going to survive. And I look back at that time and God got me through it. I mean God brought so many angels and good people into my life and I prayed and He answered my prayers. My husband's alive.

Becky Brown: Right, Karen, and here's the thing: there is a time for weeping, there is a time for rejoicing. That's what the writer in Ecclesiastes tells us. And right now the time for you is to weep, is to feel the grief and the loss and not alone.

I would encourage you, if you don't already have, whether it's a really good friend that can just hear you, it's important for you to express all of the story because it's this balance that you're showing right now. It's like I understand, but it hurts really badly. I get that God's going to help me, but right now it hurts. And that back and forth is just part of that grieving process where you have to express that.

And I also would encourage you to talk with somebody who can help you make whatever the next decision is because at your time of life, it won't be the same as starting from square one again. And you don't want to jump into something that is not going to be fulfilling, but also, you know, you're a quality worker, you've said that yourself and it's really disappointing and there's so many people that understand that loss. But it's very important for you to have the support during this time.

Dr. Alice Benton: Karen, have you felt any passing moments of strong dislike or even brief hate towards these people that betrayed you after the nine years of great work you gave to them?

Karen: No, because I feel there was a change in management within the last six months. And the gal that was in charge, I didn't have she's not a warm and fuzzy person and I didn't feel that connection with her. I guess I should have strived to make it more of a connection, but I just came in and did my job every day.

And I knew and I felt that what I was doing was to the best of my ability, meaning that if I had clients who were interested in doing direct mail campaigns, I would get them over to the sales rep if they were interested. I was never pushy. I was just work with the clients and I work with people all over the country, businesses, and I enjoyed it.

Dr. Alice Benton: So Karen, your conscience is pretty clean about the kind of work quality you gave. And in fact, you don't harbor resentment or hate towards the people that did this to you, even though it sounds awfully unfair to me. Do you find that you're withdrawing from people? Are you keeping your story to yourself? Is it hard to find places to be able to talk about what you went through?

Karen: Yeah, because it's too fresh.

Dr. Alice Benton: It's a raw wound. When we come back, I'll have some advice and encouragement to give you about that.

Brian Perez: Yeah, and if Karen stays on hold, we'll continue our conversation with you when we come back here on New Life Live. Pray for Karen and anybody who's in that kind of situation. Unemployment and looking for, having to look for new work and everything, and in Karen's case, trying to support her husband and so please keep them in prayer. We know that you guys will because you're the New Life listening audience and viewing audience. We appreciate you guys so much. 1-800-229-3000 is our number and we'll be right back.

All right, we're back with Karen in Tampa, Florida, and Alice, you were going to mention some advice that you had for her.

Dr. Alice Benton: Karen, as you said, it's too fresh to talk with people about it. My son the other day, my eight-year-old, got a sliver and it hurt so bad. He's not a cryer, he's kind of past that stage. He was crying. And he wanted my help, but he said, "But don't touch it. Don't touch it!"

It was too fresh. And he knew it would cause him more pain for me to touch it and extract it. And so he can sit with the sliver in him, but we know there's risk of infection and then the problem will get even worse.

You can wait to start sharing your grief with other people because it's too fresh. But you know grief accumulates inside if we don't talk about it with people that we can trust. So the choice is yours.

Something that can help move forward into that choice is to have a safe enough environment to do it in. For instance, my son feels safer with his dad taking out the sliver than his mom because his dad's better at it.

So you may not be able to talk with your husband or your girlfriends because it's too messy right now. But letting us connect you with a counselor who's trained to take the sliver out in the most effective, painless way possible, that could be your answer.

Brian Perez: Karen, thank you so much for calling in today to New Life Live. We recommend the Life Recovery Workbook for Grief from the NewLife.com store. And then Alice, you're going to be doing a webinar next month. I think we'll send her a registration for that webinar. Tell us about it.

Dr. Alice Benton: We sure will. Well, we'll be talking about all the different forms or many of the different forms of grief because it includes so much more than just the obvious loss of a loved one. To lose your husband's health through the stroke and then to lose your work after all those years, you've lost your stability. So of course there's grief in that. But it's not a grief that's talked about as often. And so we'll be walking you through, Karen, we hope you'll come to it. We'll be walking you through how to manage that kind of grief.

Brian Perez: That's happening on Thursday evening, July 16th. It's called Grief: Hope and Healing After Loss. It's a webinar, 90 minutes including 30 minutes of Q&A, hosted by the two ladies that you're hearing on the show today, Becky Brown and Dr. Alice Benton.

But Karen, we're going to send you a registration just for calling in today to the show. But everyone else, you can sign up online. Or you can get the details at NewLife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

And another reason people grieve, particularly ladies, is when their marriage doesn't turn out the way they hoped it would because of betrayal. And we've talked for years about the Restore Intensive that we have. And that happens a couple of times a year, but we've got something new coming up in August.

And Becky, tell us about it. It's an online event, a virtual gathering, it's called Rescue: Your First Step Toward Healing with our friend Lara Manjan McDonald. Tell us about it, Becky.

Becky Brown: Well, we know that so many women are affected by betrayal and yet they suffer in silence. And so we wanted to create a first step for women who have not yet begun the healing process. Maybe they are kind of curious about what does this have to do with me? After all, he's the one that did it, and why do I have to do anything?

And we wanted to create it so that you would at least get, at the very least, get an opening to what you can do to heal yourself. Whether or not the marriage is healed or the relationship is healed, it's so important for women to take care of themselves.

And I want to encourage you: it's a great next step for you. We talked to a woman the other day on the show, she had experienced betrayal three years ago and had never sought help. And we don't want that for you. We want you to know that there is help and there is a way forward. And so you can go to NewLife.com/rescue.

Brian Perez: Why do women feel like they can't say anything? Like I mean, not that I would say most women do, but like the woman that Becky's talking about that for three years said nothing to nobody.

Dr. Alice Benton: I think it's a taboo topic even though it is such a sadly common occurrence. And there's shame and embarrassment wrapped up in it. And I think most women wonder, "What did I do wrong for my husband to be unfaithful?" And so it can feel like revealing I'm inadequate and that's why my husband went out on me, even though we know that is not the case. But that's how many women feel, and so instead, they keep it to themselves.

Brian Perez: So that virtual event is called Rescue: Your First Step Toward Healing. It's happening on Saturday, August 1st. It goes from 10:00 to 2:00 Central time. It's led by Lara Manjan McDonald. It was created for women who have never taken the first step toward their own healing after betrayal. It'll help you find your footing again. And if you're hearing this and you feel that nudge that you need to sign up, yeah, pay attention to that nudge. You should sign up for this at NewLife.com/rescue. That is how you can find out more information about this virtual gathering on August 1st.

And the other webinar that I was talking about is happening tomorrow evening. It's led by JJ West. It's about your identity in Christ. And Alice, what you just said right now reminded me of that because women who have been through betrayal and they start thinking, well, it's my fault, what did I do or if I would have done things differently. That's not your identity. Stop living in the past. We can help you with that with this Identity in Christ webinar. It is happening tomorrow evening. You can sign up for it still. It's $25 for 90 minutes of this webinar with JJ West and Becky Brown will be there too and it includes 30 minutes of Q&A. This is the one you can sign up for by texting the word "webinar" to 28950. We'll text you back a registration link and we'll also send you a free tip sheet on identity. So text "webinar" to 28950.

All right, we're back with Karen in Tampa, Florida, and Alice, you were going to mention some advice that you had for her.

Dr. Alice Benton: Karen, as you said, it's too fresh to talk with people about it. My son the other day, my eight-year-old, got a sliver and it hurt so bad. He's not a cryer, he's kind of past that stage. He was crying. And he wanted my help, but he said, "But don't touch it. Don't touch it!"

It was too fresh. And he knew it would cause him more pain for me to touch it and extract it. And so he can sit with the sliver in him, but we know there's risk of infection and then the problem will get even worse.

You can wait to start sharing your grief with other people because it's too fresh. But you know grief accumulates inside if we don't talk about it with people that we can trust. So the choice is yours.

Something that can help move forward into that choice is to have a safe enough environment to do it in. For instance, my son feels safer with his dad taking out the sliver than his mom because his dad's better at it.

So you may not be able to talk with your husband or your girlfriends because it's too messy right now. But letting us connect you with a counselor who's trained to take the sliver out in the most effective, painless way possible, that could be your answer.

Brian Perez: Karen, thank you so much for calling us today here on New Life Live. We recommend the Life Recovery Workbook for Grief from the NewLife.com store. And then Alice, you're going to be doing a webinar next month. I think we'll send her a registration for that webinar. Tell us about it.

Dr. Alice Benton: We sure will. We'll be talking about many of the different forms of grief because it includes so much more than just the obvious loss of a loved one. To lose your husband's health through the stroke and then to lose your work after all those years, you've lost your stability. So of course there's grief in that. But it's not a grief that's talked about as often. And so we'll be walking you through, Karen, we hope you'll come to it. We'll be walking you through how to manage that kind of grief.

Brian Perez: That's happening on Thursday evening, July 16th. It's called Grief: Hope and Healing After Loss. It's a webinar, 90 minutes including 30 minutes of Q&A, hosted by the two ladies that you're hearing on the show today, Becky Brown and Dr. Alice Benton.

But Karen, we're going to send you a registration just for calling in today to the show. But everyone else, you can sign up online or get the details at NewLife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

Far be it for me to give you inaccurate information, but alas, it has happened. That virtual gathering I was talking about, it's August 1st, not August 4th. It's because they both start with the letter F, first and fourth. That's what got me mixed up. But anyway, get all the details at NewLife.com/rescue. That is the correct website address.

All right, let's go to the phones. Cheryl in Albany, New York. Welcome to New Life Live, Cheryl.

Cheryl: Hello. I've been having issues with my daughter. She's 33 years old. She has a 10-year-old daughter, so that's my granddaughter. And for the past six months, she's not allowed to see my granddaughter because of apparently something I did, but I don't know what I did. And I've offered counseling and she refuses. I've offered to sit down and talk to her and she refuses. I'm just at the end of my rope. I just don't know what to do. I just want my daughter and my granddaughter back in my life.

Dr. Alice Benton: Cheryl, this is a horrific situation, especially when you have no idea why it happened and the good things you have attempted, which is what we advise to do, have been completely shut down. How long did you say it's been since you last were able to see your granddaughter?

Cheryl: It's probably been about six months.

Dr. Alice Benton: Six months. And even though your daughter won't give you any information, can you tell us was there any pattern of rupture or struggle with your daughter when she was growing up? Was it difficult to raise her?

Cheryl: Yeah, a little bit. I spoiled her. I mean, she was a spoiled kid, but I corrected her when she was wrong. But other than that, she wasn't too bad. When she got into her teens, that's when life changed.

Dr. Alice Benton: How did life change?

Cheryl: She was molested by her biological father and she has not gotten the proper counseling to take care of that. I got it for her when she was young, but after she was an adult, she said she didn't need it anymore.

Dr. Alice Benton: And is her bio-dad at all in your life still?

Cheryl: No. Absolutely not.

Dr. Alice Benton: And did your daughter—what a nightmare for all of you that this man who was supposed to provide and protect did the opposite. Was law enforcement involved, and legally what came of that situation?

Cheryl: He was directed to stay away from her until she was 18. And then when the paperwork was mailed to my daughter that the order of protection—she was either to keep it because she was 18 or make it go away. Well, she decided to make it go away and reconnect with her father.

Dr. Alice Benton: Oh. And even up until today, does she have a relationship with him?

Cheryl: No, she's disconnected again. But she even had him around my granddaughter.

Dr. Alice Benton: Oh, I'm sure you had some big feelings about that and enormous disagreement with her decision to do that.

Cheryl: Yes.

Dr. Alice Benton: So what I'm trying to do by asking these questions is draw out what were the rocky things in life between the two of you. And you and your daughter suffered one of the worst nightmares possible, sexual abuse by a biological father.

It may be that even though you handled the situation well, she has obviously disagreed with you about having contact with her bio-dad. And so there may be some unresolved hurt and disagreement about the pain that she went through, even though you handled it well.

And what we often see, Cheryl, is that the innocent parent gets the punishment that the guilty parent deserves.

Cheryl: She's always punished me. Always, for everything. Everything. It doesn't matter if her failure in life, she blames me. It's always my fault.

Dr. Alice Benton: I know this does not—it's not very comforting to hear right now, but it's a truth that should be spoken. It's usually the safer parent that is the one that is punished.

And that's not fair and it doesn't make it right, but that is often what happens. I think in part it's because your daughter knows that even though she lashes out at you, you will still be loyal, you'll still be there, you'll come back when she's ready to have you around again, because you've shown yourself to be consistent.

And so the consistent parent gets the lashback from an upset, wounded, angry child. And so what I would advise you to do, because you have little to no power over what she's doing with your granddaughter, continue to do your work asking the question, "What has my daughter complained about with me, to me about me throughout our lifetime? Where's any little speck of truth in it?"

Because too much of it belongs to her dad, but of course we're all imperfect moms, we're imperfect parents. So some complaints she has have a little truth to them, and I want you to look for that truth and work on yourself so that when she opens back up to you again, you're ready and you know some answers to the question: why did my daughter do this to me?

Cheryl: Okay. I am seeking counseling, so this helps.

Becky Brown: I'm kind of curious, Cheryl, what happened before six months ago. You said that six months ago, she pulled away from this relationship. So what was the event?

Cheryl: I don't know.

Becky Brown: Well, how did you discover that she was pulling away from you? What happened?

Cheryl: She was becoming more and more distant. Normally she would come over and have dinner with us on Sundays and she was refusing that. I would send her a text, "We're having dinner. Would you like to come over, bring my granddaughter and bring your boyfriend and we'll have dinner together?" And she was just getting more and more wouldn't reach out to me, wouldn't talk to me.

So I questioned her. And she sent me a long text stating when she was ready to talk to me she would, but not until then and not to reach out to anybody and question what she was doing and why she was doing it.

Becky Brown: Well, that's reason why I ask because she put a line in the sand. Have you reached out to her after her saying that?

Cheryl: No, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid it's just going to make things worse.

Becky Brown: Yeah, I think that's fair. But I think six months is a good time to maybe check in. My suggestion would be a simple text of very small, "Hey, thinking about you, just checking in to make sure you're okay." And don't—not like "how are you" or anything like that, but just to show up somewhere.

My concern is for—I don't know exactly what was the thing that split it all up, but I want you to be able to stay present. And I'm glad you're working with a counselor. It's really tough because we talk about estrangement a lot with adult children, their kids, and it's so painful.

But what I recommend many, many times to the parent is yes, you listen to what they're saying as far as "don't contact me," but I also think at six months, whether it's an email or a text, just to say "thinking about you, hope you're okay." Period. Not "call me," not "let me know," anything like that.

Because what happens is the breach gets so far apart that the person who's decided to estrange thinks, "I can't go back for whatever reason." And so you're just cracking the door open a little bit. Don't try to fix it, though, Cheryl, just you know, keep doing your work and pray. I know that sounds like a simple thing, but it's a way to get the conversation open again.

Dr. Alice Benton: Yeah. Cheryl, our parents paint a picture for us of who God is. And so unhealthy, broken parents, unfortunately, paint a very broken picture of God. And I think that pain you experienced in your family of origin has formed your experience of God, that He is unforgiving, He's not trustworthy, He'll turn His back on you, He will not easily forgive. And you worry about that for yourself and your son.

And so part of that grief work that Becky is talking about, I want you to include processing what it was like growing up with those parents and even now trying to have relationship with them, because by telling those stories and lamenting what you went through with your parents, that will help to heal your relationship with God.

Brian Perez: Cheryl, stay on hold, we'll send you a registration link for tomorrow's webinar. And anyone who wants to attend this Identity in Christ webinar, just text the word "webinar" to 28950 and we'll send you a registration link as well as a tip sheet on identity.

And I think Cheryl would also benefit from the Take Your Life Back online course that begins next month, don't you think, Becky?

Becky Brown: Yes, absolutely. I think it's a great next step. We need community, we need a process so that we can keep moving forward. When we can identify where the pain is, that's step one, but then we've got to move forward to find the healing.

Brian Perez: All right, we're going to be in the studio for another hour, so keep those calls a-coming if you're on hold right now, like Kim and Joe and John. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us and we can't wait to speak with you to help you with whatever it is you're going through.

Becky, we've got a $300,000 matching gift challenge going on right now. Tell our friends all about it.

Becky Brown: We have a group of incredible donors who support the ministry, started us off with a $250,000 seed and then we had an extra gift given a couple of weeks ago to add to that seed to bring the total to 300,000. We have surpassed the 200 mark. We are on our way to 300 and you can participate today. If you've never given to New Life before, do it today. Every dollar will be doubled up to 300,000. You're making a difference in the lives of so many people and I think we can all agree that people are struggling and they need the help and you can be part of what God is doing through New Life. So thank you in advance because I know you're going to want to be part of this matching gift.

Brian Perez: That's right, we're rounding second base on our way to third and help us get home. You can help us meet this match by texting "MATCH" to 28950 or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or online at NewLife.com/match. If you want to call in today, 1-800-229-3000.

And let's talk to Lynn in Chillicothe, Ohio, listening on SiriusXM Channel 131. Welcome to New Life Live, Lynn.

Lynn: I lost my son to a serious heart defect 18 and a half years ago. And then I lost my husband to a hemorrhaging stroke almost 11 years ago. And through the years off and on, I have struggled knowing whether or not my son has eternal life. I am somewhat better now with that, but still struggling.

I also deal with my extended family, my siblings, mother. I have four siblings that absolutely do not support me. They do not visit, they do not call, nothing. Except one brother after I complained about them not calling, he did call me one time when he was at close to my house at the corner of my field. I guess he thought of me and called me then.

But I have struggled and I don't want to be bitter and I want to forgive them. You know, and I struggle still with understanding whether or not my son is in heaven, although he claimed to be a Christian. And my husband was a pastor and I don't worry about him, but I still worry somewhat about my son. He would have been 45. He died when he was 27.

So I over the years, my mother would say things to me that over the last 50 years, maybe 51 years, I think or more. She would say these things to me that were not true about me. And then eventually I let it go, let it go. And eventually I would confront her. And then she would deny it, you know, that it didn't that, you know, she'd just deny it. And then she accused me of confronting her. And then she would go tell to my siblings about me. She even admitted it, she'd even admitted it to them about me.

Dr. Alice Benton: Lynn, your family of origin has been very toxic and unsafe for you. And you, of course, still want relationship with them. But for a variety of reasons, they have been a hurtful family to be a part of.

So you're plagued by disconnection from your family of origin, the way your mom treated you, but also these questions about your son. And as he did claim Christianity, tell us a little about him. What about him—his behavior, his actions—made you question his salvation?

Lynn: Well, I guess I didn't see in him what I saw in my husband completely. But he claimed Christ, you know, claimed to be a Christian when he was very young, five or six. And then he kind of I don't know, he just kind of had, you know, his heart—he knew it was terminal.

And all his heart problem really bothered him, so he would get all enraged, you know, and I don't know. And, you know, but over the years and then at one point he for a while there when he was around 16 I think, he refused to go to church for a little while. But then he went—he claimed to be a Christian, you know, and he did seem to change and everything. But he still—none of us are perfect.

And he still struggled, of course, with his—I don't know what you call attitude or, you know. But he was dealing with this serious heart defect his whole life.

Dr. Alice Benton: And certainly knowing that his life was going to be short, it angered him and he struggled to deal with his relationship with God because of the suffering that he went through in his life. And tell me, Lynn, do you worry that God doesn't forgive you?

Lynn: Yeah, I do some because, you know, I think well, I'm trying to forgive my family. And I worry that I don't have a right relationship with God because it's so hard for me to forgive my family. I can't get my mind wrapped around somebody, a family, that would not only desert me but treat me mean at times. Yes, treat me mean. Get my head wrapped around—I've lost my son, I've lost my husband, and none of them have had this experience.

Becky Brown: So Lynn, we only have a couple minutes and I just want to say a couple of things. You've been in a season of grief for years, literally years. And what happens in our our brains, our bodies when we are stuck in a season of grief, we feel like we're drowning, and that's what it feels like, doesn't it?

You just you don't understand it, you can't, you know, there's just all these worries. What I want for you is for you to find your life. I want you to step into who God created you to be in spite of what the family has done.

I want you to grow in that healing and you're not going to do that by yourself. I want you to be able to get into community—whether it is that you join us tomorrow night for our Identity in Christ webinar, that would be a great next step. Brian, we can gift her a registration.

But it is a rebuilding and a healing so that when these questions of why and what happened and why can't it be better come up, it's not a matter of getting the answer to why as much as it is of what now, God? What do you want me to do with what I've experienced and how do I find my hope again and find my life? I want that for you, Lynn.

Dr. Alice Benton: Lynn, our parents paint a picture for us of who God is. And so unhealthy, broken parents, unfortunately, paint a very broken picture of God. And I think that pain you experienced in your family of origin has formed your experience of God, that He is unforgiving, He's not trustworthy, He'll turn His back on you, He will not easily forgive.

And you worry about that for yourself and your son. And so part of that grief work that Becky is talking about, I want you to include processing what it was like growing up with those parents and even now trying to have relationship with them, because by telling those stories and lamenting what you went through with your parents, that will help to heal your relationship with God.

Brian Perez: Lynn, stay on hold, we'll send you a registration link for tomorrow's webinar. And anyone who wants to attend this Identity in Christ webinar, just text the word "webinar" to 28950 and we'll send you a registration link as well as a tip sheet on identity.

I think Lynn would also benefit from the Take Your Life Back online course that begins next month, don't you think, Becky?

Becky Brown: Yes, absolutely. I think it's a great next step. We need community, we need a process so that we can keep moving forward. When we can identify where the pain is, that's step one, but then we've got to move forward to find the healing.

Brian Perez: All right, we're going to be in the studio for another hour, so keep those calls a-coming if you're on hold right now, 1-800-229-3000. We can't wait to speak with you to help you with whatever it is you're going through.

Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing and we're so glad that you're here.