FamilyLife Today®

Speaker 1

Have your kids brought out a side to you that you had no idea was in there?

Speaker 2

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1

I had no idea this anger was inside of me or frustration, pride, all.

Speaker 3

The things I tried to point out to her, the kids revealed.

Speaker 1

But it was like it made me needy for Jesus. Because I'm seeing a whole new side of me that's not pretty at all. And I thought, who am I?

Speaker 1

We've got Bruce and Maria Goff with us today that have four daughters.

Speaker 3

How old are they?

Speaker 4

Nine.

Speaker 2

You say nine? Almost ten.

Speaker 3

Wait, wait, wait. They're not that old. You're struggling to remember their ages.

Speaker 2

Sorry, I'm tired. I'm very tired. We have an almost 10 year old, an almost 7 year old, a 4 year old and a 9 month old baby, Maria.

Speaker 1

Okay, is there anything that's come out that you're like, wow.

Speaker 2

Like when you were saying that, I was, I was actually thinking, like, I already had a temper problem before I had kids. And I knew it, I knew this was a struggle for me.

Speaker 4

This was just.

Speaker 2

But the kids just ratcheted up to another level, like, oh, you really, really are an angry person.

Speaker 3

I mean, Bruce, what's that look like? Maria's not gonna tell us.

Speaker 4

It looks like a saint.

Speaker 1

That's a good answer.

Speaker 2

Who?

Speaker 1

Patiently.

Speaker 4

No, I mean, you do have the Holy Spirit working patience in you, no doubt about it. And my mom, you know, my mom sees it better than I do. Like, my mom will say, like, I can't believe how patient you are. So there's definitely that.

I mean, I see it in myself. Like, you were gone the other day for a lunch thing, and then you also were babysitting for someone else. So you were gone most of the day. So I had the girls.

And when you got back, I was like, we gotta figure something out. Cause I was being such a jerk to the kids and I don't wanna be that guy.

Speaker 1

What's that look like?

Speaker 4

Cause they, they just either don't listen or they are, you know, careless. And I was getting so impatient with them and just like being short and harsh with. I had to apologize to him like three times.

Guys, I'm so sorry. I was being harsh. I shouldn't be harsh.

Fast forward an hour. Hey, guys, I'm so sorry I was harsh.

Speaker 1

Well, that's good. You're apologizing. But Maria just said. But the number one thing.

Speaker 2

Wait, the number one thing. They leave things on the floor. They don't pick up after themselves.

Speaker 1

So they're children.

Speaker 2

Everywhere they go, it's like A trail.

Speaker 4

Of stuff, pillows from the couch. They just sit on the couch and then they. I don't see it, but they must just be like, that's where that goes, you know, drop it onto the floor.

I'm like, why is it every time you sit on the couch that the pillows are on the floor and then you just leave? And there's.

Speaker 3

So what do you say to the parent listening right now that says, well, that's your fault. You didn't train them to pick up those pillows and put them back and those toys back in their bin?

Speaker 4

I say, that's part of it. I mean, I think that's a legitimate, like, part.

Speaker 3

Right? I don't think that's what Maria was gonna say.

Speaker 2

I say, yes, but that takes time. And for the little ones who are only four, you've been working on it for a long time.

Speaker 2

They forget and they are too busy doing what they're doing.

Speaker 4

They're kids, they're acting like a four year old.

Speaker 2

And as many times as you tell them to pick up after themselves, they still don't.

Speaker 4

I think that's a good point though, because like, okay, so we're talking about two things here. One, like, okay, I have an unreasonable expectation of tidiness.

But then also, yeah, how much of that is like, yeah, that's your job to parent them and to help them do that. So it's like I'm confronted with one, their kids, and so I'm confronted with my sin of just like, I want everything my way.

And then to my, like, that's showing my lack of parenting them well, right? And now I'm reaping what I've sown or not sown.

Speaker 2

No, it also shows, okay, maybe I'm wrong.

Speaker 1

That's not a lack of parenting.

Speaker 4

Well, okay.

Speaker 2

It also shows the overabundance of stuff that they are required to manage, most.

Speaker 4

Of which we didn't buy for them.

Speaker 3

Well, one of the things we thought we'd talk about is this interesting quote from a friend of ours, Dan Allender. He was on our Family Life speaker team for a few years back in the day. So we got to know Dan.

He's a deep thinker, counselor, and theologian, and he said one of the biggest sources of conflict between you and your child is when they refuse to bow down to your idols.

Speaker 4

Read that one more time.

Speaker 3

That's an interesting.

Speaker 1

Read it again, Dave, because it is really good.

Speaker 3

One of the biggest sources of conflict between you and your child, between you and your kids, is when they refuse to bow down to your Idols. So do you have idols as parents? Is yours.

Speaker 4

Things picked up, I think, like, probably at the base of its control, which is new to me, since we had our marriage counseling a few years ago.

What do you mean? The counselor was just, like, so blunt to me, saying it's because I was saying.

I think the reason I'm like that is this and that. He says, no, Bruce, you're like that because you want to be in control. I was like, can I?

Speaker 4

Like, what are you talking. I mean, maybe, but, no, I don't think so. Let me tell you why. I'll tell you, counselor, why I'm doing it.

Speaker 3

Was he right?

Speaker 4

Oh, 100% right. Yeah. So I think probably at the root of mine, my idol, is control. Like, I just. I want the house to always look like no one lives there because it.

Speaker 1

Makes you feel better.

Speaker 4

Yeah. And, like, then I can relax. And, like, if you're messing it up, I can't relax.

Speaker 2

Do you think maybe at the root of all of our idols is control?

Speaker 4

Sin, pride. Yeah.

Speaker 2

Like, pride and control.

Speaker 4

I want.

Speaker 3

I'm.

Speaker 4

This is about me. The world revolves around me.

Speaker 2

I want to be my own God. Yeah, probably, ultimately.

Speaker 1

Okay, it's confession time. What about you, Maria?

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 4

What's your.

Speaker 1

What's your idol?

Speaker 4

Let's talk about that for a little bit.

Speaker 2

I mean, I think at the base of mine is also control. You know, I want things to go the way that I envision them going, and I want sleep, and when that doesn't happen, I turn into a monster.

Speaker 1

So that would be control.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 3

What's yours?

Speaker 1

I think just looking back on when the kids were little, mine was image. Like, if they're not performing, if they're not acting, if they're not doing something in a way that reflects a good light on me but reflects poorly on me, that bothered me.

Speaker 4

You experienced. I mean, not to point fingers.

Speaker 4

But we have an example of that. Right. Just the other day, when the neighbor was talking to you.

Speaker 2

Yes. Yes.

Speaker 1

What happened?

Speaker 2

A neighbor came across the street, and the girls had been playing, and she came over to tell me that her daughter had said that Gloria was being mean to her and had left her out.

Speaker 4

Gloria, Our daughter.

Speaker 2

I automatically. I just had, like, a visceral reaction. I'm like, what did she say? You know, like, I just got immediately upset, and she was like.

She was saying she didn't want her to go to the park, and I'm like, well, our number one rule.

And I was just, like, all of.

Speaker 4

A sudden, just, like, reiterating to her.

Speaker 2

Like, so, Matt, like, our number one rule is never leave anybody out. And you let me know if this happens again.

And I'm like, laying it on thick to Gloria when we went inside, like, you don't ever treat anybody like that, you know?

And then I realized, like, why is this making me. Why am I having such a strong reaction to this?

And it was really because I felt like, no, my kid's not gonna be the one leaving people out. That's not my kid, you know?

And it was more a reflection of me than I was upset that they were sinning.

Speaker 3

Hey, real quick. I just wanted to remind you that this is a special time of year to give to Family Life because every gift is being matched through the end of the year.

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Okay, let's get back to the conversation.

Speaker 1

Well, I can remember too, even, I mean, I think our oldest at the time was 18 months old. And I come from a real, very performance oriented family.

Speaker 3

Yes, she does.

Speaker 1

And so I remember my mom, like having that outgoing personality, funny, more extroverted, was always a value in our family. And I was that. But I remember our youngest was super introverted. Very. Even as a baby, you could see it, you know, it just wasn't friendly to other people. Shy. And my mom would always say, he's just different, isn't he? And I'm thinking instead of just, I said, well, yeah, he's who God made him to be. But then I'd go to bed at night and think, well, that's embarrassing, you know, and we're not talking to a stranger and he's hiding his head. I'm like, come on, man, make me look good.

And even sports, like, I can remember Dave and I got married. And people are like, oh, your kids are gonna be so athletic. And we're gonna, you know, and we're secretly saying, man, our kids are going to be unbelievable. And so that son didn't care about anything. Sports. He's, you know, playing baseball, sitting down in the outfield, picking daisies. That wasn't him, that was somebody else. But still I'm like, come on, man, you know, and that's that whole performance thing.

And I remember God just getting ahold of my heart asking me like, what do you care about what other people are thinking? And it was so convicting. And I thought, man, I've got a pride thing.

Speaker 4

I had the same thing, but opposite. Sometimes our oldest will join the conversation.

Like, we'll have an adults table. You know, kids are in there. Adults are. But she'll come to the adult table.

And she's talking and talking. I'm just like, okay, it's still like. And I'll try to, like, kind of like, okay, that's enough.

Speaker 1

She could talk to adults all day long, and she's good at it, you guys.

Speaker 4

But I'm embarrassed because I'm like, okay, she's taking up too much conversation.

But then later, someone will come up to me like, it was so nice having your daughter, you know, engaged in the conversation.

I'm like, oh, yeah, kind of. But, like, my concern wasn't like, oh, this. It was just.

Yeah. It was reflecting on me.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Okay, Dave, confession time.

Speaker 3

Oh, let's move on. Let's go to the next one.

Speaker 3

I think mine is. Was performance, really.

Speaker 1

I feel like you're so much better than I am.

Speaker 3

I was better than you, but.

Speaker 3

I mean, compared to you, I was less. Cause her family, and they're great. They're awesome. Her dad was my coach. Her brother's my center. I'm the quarterback. They were very athletic. And her dad's dream was they'd all be college coaches together, all for the kids. I mean, that was a legit dream. And then when it didn't happen, he blew up.

But their family was. Every conversation was about how well they did it. Was every conversation. Yeah. I mean, you sit at a dinner table, and it was all about athletics and who did good and who didn't.

Speaker 1

If we're better than everybody.

Speaker 3

So it was really performance. I thought, I don't really have. My mom celebrated the biggest game of my high school career. I went 2 for 12 with two interceptions against the other state rival and 12,000 people. And she's like, "You were amazing tonight." I'm like, "Mom, I lost the game." Oh, you were so. I mean, I never had this pressure; she really had it.

I felt like I didn't put that on our kids because I really was like, "It's little league. It doesn't matter. Just have fun." I didn't think it counted until high school, and I was around a lot of other dads and coaches that don't agree with that. They think it matters when you're seven and eight. So I didn't think I had it, but I still think underneath.

I remember one of our sons, when he was playing high school football, they had summer workouts, and I wasn't a coach yet. This was a year before I started coaching. I walked over toward the end to just pick them up or something, and they were running like 800s—two times around the football field, on the track. I saw this kid, like, passed out; he was the only guy. They were all coming in, just dead tired, and there was this guy flopped on the track.

Speaker 1

I'm like, on his back.

Speaker 3

Like, he's like, oh, I can't finish on the track. I'm like, what a loser. I mean, you do not. You finish. It's my son. I walk up like, oh, my goodness.

Speaker 4

I'm like, get up.

Speaker 2

Get up.

Speaker 3

He's like, "Dad, I can't get up." And I was like, "I think that's reflecting on me, you know?" And he was just dead.

He actually was a great athlete. He had a lot of fun. But it was like, there's the idol.

Like, idols are revealed, I think, in your emotions, you know.

Speaker 3

What prompts you immediately to anger or frustration or anxiety. That's almost like, I can't stop it. That's probably something more important than you realize, maybe replacing God. Right?

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Well, Bruce, you found an article.

Speaker 4

Yeah. That's where that quote came from.

Speaker 1

Dan Allender, the article was called when kids won't bow to your idols. Why did that stick out in your mind? Because you're the one that found it.

Speaker 4

Yeah, because I think that's what causes me to sin. Sinning towards them and being so harsh with them is like, how dare you not bend your knee? You know, pretty much to me. Which, yeah, probably ultimately is me. You know, my happiness, my convenience.

She talks about it, and man, she got real close to home in this one when she was talking about getting angry at her kids at bedtime because all she wants to do is go watch Netflix and eat ice cream, and the kid is having a problem. It's just like, that is. You're intruding on my territory now, kid.

You know, I think you tell the kids sometimes, like, idols are whatever you're willing to sin to get.

Speaker 1

Oh, talk about that, Maria. What do you mean by that?

Speaker 4

To get my, you know, convenience or to get my way, I am going to lash out at you in anger.

Speaker 2

Yeah. I say if you're willing to sin in order to get that thing, then that means that's an idol in your heart.

And then the other thing I say is we talk about first place. What's first place in your heart? If you're sinning because you can't have something or something's not going the way you want it, like, that means that's so important that that has become first place in your heart.

Speaker 1

Can you give an example that you remember about the girls?

Speaker 2

So video games is one for our oldest. So it's like if you are having a rotten attitude or you're pitching a fit, whatever it is, if you're sinning in order.

Speaker 3

I mean, it could even be lying in order to. I haven't played two hours. I've only played 10 minutes.

Speaker 4

Right.

Speaker 3

To play longer. Yeah.

Speaker 2

Or if you're sinning because you can't have it.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

You know, that's become an idol for you. And that probably means we need to take a break, you know?

Speaker 1

What do they say when you say that?

Speaker 2

They. I mean, they agree or they go with it. They don't.

Speaker 4

I'm thinking.

Speaker 2

I think they understand.

Speaker 4

That was really sweet. So our middle one needed a new bike, and we could get one. Usually, we just get them at Goodwill, you know, a bike.

But the scholarship, you know, in Florida, if you homeschool, you get certain scholarships, and it covers bikes. So we're like, oh, we're gonna get a new bike, you know, for Gloria.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 4

Or no, for Estelle. And Estelle was like, I like my bike. I don't need a new bike.

Speaker 2

So, like, are you sure? I asked her, are you sure you don't want a brand new bike? And she's like, no, I like my bike.

Speaker 4

And Estelle didn't realize when she was saying, I don't want a new bike. She thought she was just going to get a new Goodwill bike. So when she saw that glow, got.

Speaker 2

A new, brand new, shiny bike.

Speaker 4

She had so much regret. And she was so jealous. But it was sweet because she was, like, crying, but she didn't want to make Glo feel bad. But I went to her. She's like, I'm just so jealous.

Speaker 1

Oh, she could name it.

Speaker 4

Yeah. And she was just so upset. So it was kind of sweet. Like, yeah, she's coveting or whatever. So that was probably sin. But she could recognize it, and she was struggling with it, and it was really sweet.

Speaker 3

Did you ever get her the bike?

Speaker 2

She did get a new bike because.

Speaker 4

I think hers broke or something. So she got a break.

Speaker 2

She got a new one, too.

Speaker 1

But still, that was A good lesson.

Speaker 2

But in that moment, I was having an issue because it was at the end of the day, and I had checked and double checked with her about the new bike, and then she still had a meltdown about it. And I was just like, you gotta get over it.

Speaker 1

That's hard.

Speaker 2

He was able to be, like, nice to her about it. But I was just in that moment, like, I checked and double checked, and you said you did not want a new bike. I gave you the opportunity.

Speaker 4

I didn't. You said, no, not new to me.

Speaker 3

I mean, I wonder if, you know, an idol for parents and maybe it's Americans in general is. Is comfort.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 3

Oh, because I remember being in Africa one time, you know, years ago, and we're out in the bush and we're preaching at churches or sometimes in little sort of homes, and they're little tiny huts, you know, and mosquitoes and bugs are everywhere, and they're just. And it's so hot. All of us Americans are basically freaking out, like, how can you exist in this? This is their world. We care so much about comfort. We're used to air conditioning. We're used to no bugs. It's like, look at this.

I think I'll never forget this story in a book. It was about bedtime. At bedtime, we want comfort; we don't want chaos. It seems like that's when they're running around the room, and you're just like, you're fried. It's about control and comfort. This guy was talking about his daughter, Mallory. How do I remember that? Because I'll never forget the story. He says, you know, I'm trying to get the girls to bed. My wife's gone. It's just me and two or three daughters. And Mallory just jumps out of the bathtub and starts running around going, "dita Day."

Speaker 2

Did I?

Speaker 3

And he's like, "Mallory, get over here and drive that D day." She wouldn't stop. He's like, "So then she starts doing a D day dance."

And he goes, "I'm yelling at her." And she... He's like, "Come on, you gotta stop the D day dance. We gotta get ready for bed."

And she goes, "Why?" And he writes in this book, he goes, "I actually had no good answer. The only answer is, because I don't want you to. I want this to go quicker than you want it to go."

Speaker 1

I want to go downstairs and watch Netflix.

Speaker 4

Yeah. And eat some ice Cream.

Speaker 2

I'm exhausted, and you're encroaching on my me time.

Speaker 4

Exactly.

Speaker 3

And so the author basically just said, I realized, you know what? Sometimes you just got to do the D dance. And he goes, I got up, and I did it with her. And they call it the D D.

Anyway, I'll never forget that story because I'm like, that's so many of us parents. It's like, sometimes you need to do the deed of day dance and forget the comforting. The chaos is just the way it's gonna be.

You're gonna be here someday. You're gonna be. There's no kids in our house. We have to go to their house to play with the grandkids. We're just sitting there looking at each other. There's nothing but comfort. It's neat all the time.

And when they come over, you're like, they just wrecked our house.

Speaker 4

I know.

Speaker 3

And then they left. I mean, someday it's gonna be over. So in some way, seize the day. But I get it.

Speaker 4

I know, but that hits. That hits home hard. And, you know, I observed a family where the dad was.

Speaker 4

Could be demanding at times. And I saw how other people in the family were, like, walking on eggshells, trying not to make him angry, you know?

And I remarked to Maria afterwards, I was like, I don't want that to characterize our home. Like, I don't want. I don't want to see you guys and the girls walking on eggshells because I'm not getting my way, you know?

And then it was like that day or the next day, she said. She came up to me. I got home from work, and, you know, the house looked like four girls lived there.

Speaker 1

Four little girls who are being homeschooled.

Speaker 2

It actually didn't look that bad because I usually try to pick up before he gets home.

Speaker 4

But everything, not everything, was in its place, you know? So I get home and I'm cleaning up. I'm not yelling at anybody, but I'm clearly not happy either, you know? So I'm picking up this, picking up that.

And then Maria comes up to me. She's like, hey, Estelle just came up to me and said, I want to ask Daddy to play video games. I'm afraid he'll get mad at me. And I was like.

Speaker 4

There she is, walking on eggshells. Doesn't want to make me mad.

Speaker 2

Well, he goes into tidy mode, which.

Speaker 1

Believe me, Bruce, I have tidy mode.

Speaker 2

He's going around the house, picking up, and it's like.

Speaker 2

He'S not Yelling at anybody. But you can tell that there's a tension.

Speaker 1

He's exasperating.

Speaker 4

It's like Nate Bargatze when he talks about, "Look, my wife mows the lawn, which I don't mind. I don't love the attitude she does it in or the tone she does it in. And that's how it is."

I'll clean, but somehow I'm communicating. I'm not happy about this, even though I'm not, like, raging, but it's, like, clear dad's not happy.

So that was convicting of, like, "Oh, I'm doing the very thing I just told you. I don't want to characterize our home."

Speaker 3

It's almost like she said out loud, I don't want to poke dad's idol.

Speaker 4

Yeah, right.

Speaker 3

I'm afraid I see he's bowing to it.

Speaker 4

Yeah. And I don't want to go bow down to it with him, but that's going to make it mad.

Speaker 1

And here's the core idea: the primary source of parental anger isn't always a child's misbehavior, but their refusal to conform to a parent's personal idol. Things like the need for control, the need for success, convenience, or a good reputation. Those are all the things we just talked about.

So as a listener, we're asking you, even, like right now, as you've been listening, is God bringing up an idol or something that has just been bothering you? Could you call it that, an idol?

Or what do we do instead of saying it's an idol? Do we blame our kids for it? Like, "my kids are just messy or obnoxious" or whatever. What do you guys think?

Speaker 2

That's an interesting way to frame it. I didn't think of that. I'm blaming the kids for it, but it's actually my idol. Huh?

Speaker 4

Right? Yeah. They didn't carve it. You did.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 1

You did.

Speaker 1

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We'd be honored to have you in our corner.

Speaker 3

I'm in your corner.

Speaker 1

I'm in my corner.

Speaker 1

These are the things that are truly us.

Speaker 3

I always think whenever I think about or talk about idols, I think of Tim Keller's sort of definition. It's idols. You know, good things in your life aren't bad unless they become the ultimate, like, if this job goes away, it's a bad thing. But if it destroys your life, it was too important.

I mean, one of the things she mentions in this article, how to know is your emotions, which we've been talking about. Oh, how to spot your idols, but also your successes. What do you celebrate in your home? Which is nothing wrong with that, but could it be way too important?

Like, we live in a day and age where athletic success for our kids is an idol in so many ways. Like, people are missing church, they're missing small groups, everything.

Speaker 1

Grades after that.

Speaker 3

I mean, we lived in that day. Our son went all the way to the NFL, but it can become way too important.

Speaker 1

Yeah. When we asked our kids, they were probably elementary school and middle school, what do you think our greatest values are as a family? And they said sports.

Speaker 3

They didn't even blink. Sports.

Speaker 1

Well, of course, duh. And we're like, where's Jesus in the whole thing? We're in the ministry, for goodness sake. Sports.

Speaker 4

Well, okay, so this is where I can get frustrated, though, because I've heard people say, like, be careful of always affirming the things your kids do because then they think your love is based on what they do.

Speaker 1

Yes.

Speaker 4

But then you're thinking, like, I feel like I can't win because it's like, I'm trying to be a good parent and encourage them.

But if you're always just encouraging, hey, you did so good. You know, what a great throw. Or, hey, you got an A plus. Way to go.

Okay. Then I've heard, like, oh, that can be bad, too.

Speaker 3

You got a D minus. Way to go.

Speaker 4

Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1

But are you praising the effort?

Speaker 4

Yeah, I think what they're. What their alternative was like, hey, you know, praise their generosity or whatever.

Speaker 1

Quality.

Speaker 4

But then is that saying, that's why I love you? Like, I don't know. I get frustrated. Like, I would.

Speaker 2

I think it's having a balance.

Speaker 1

Yeah, me too.

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Like, I know a girl that I know. Her parents never said anything about her outward beauty ever. Didn't say she was beautiful, pretty, nothing.

Speaker 3

Probably trying to be careful.

Speaker 1

They're trying to be careful.

Speaker 4

Exactly. Because you don't want them to just.

Speaker 1

I don't want them to think that that's her. That's going to be her idol.

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 1

Like, oh, it's all about looks. And if I always tell her so.

Speaker 4

Then you swing the pendulum the wrong way.

Speaker 1

Terrible.

Speaker 4

Too far the other way.

Speaker 1

She felt like, I'm ugly. My parents never, ever say anything.

Speaker 4

Right.

Speaker 1

So it's not that you're focusing on that. That that's all you're looking at for her. But it is something that it's balance.

Speaker 2

Yeah. Well, for. In that example, like, I like to tell them they're beautiful just when they strike me as being beautiful.

Not necessarily, like, I'll tell them beautiful sometimes when they've dressed up for, like, daddy diner night or on a Sunday or whatever.

But I like, I tell them they're beautiful at other times, too, so they know it's not just based on what you're wearing and how you did your hair.

Speaker 1

And I think that's scriptural, actually.

Speaker 3

So what do you do with your idols when you realize, wow, I think I have an idol. How do you lay it down? Yeah, tell us. Oh, pros over there.

Speaker 4

Well, let me just.

Speaker 2

I think it takes a lot of prayer and. Yeah. I mean, recognizing it is the first thing, you know, like, in this season for me, it's been a big wake up call for, like, how much of an idol, like, I think I knew sleep was an idol for me, but, like, how much of an idol is sleep?

Speaker 3

Sleep just a necessity.

Speaker 4

Right. To survive, but also either without it or to get it.

Speaker 2

Yeah. And. And when it, like, causes so much anxiety and panic, it's like it. It reveals a lack of faith and trust in the goodness of God.

Speaker 2

Real like. And like having moment. Like, you know, I know. You just have to be real with yourself in the moments when you see your weakness and feel your weakness and just give it to the Lord. Talk to the lord about it in the middle of the night.

Speaker 3

I mean, you've got moms and dads list and they're living right where you guys are living. They're like, are you saying my need for sleep is an idol or is it a necessity?

Speaker 2

I mean, it's both.

Speaker 1

I mean, she says when she says how to spot your idols, she says in terms of your emotions, she says, trace your strongest negative feelings back to what desire is being threatened. That's kind of what you're dealing with.

Speaker 4

Well, okay.

Speaker 2

Well, I mean, for example, food is a necessity, but food can also be an idol.

Speaker 1

Yeah. Good things can be idols. Our kids can be our idols.

Speaker 2

I was thinking on the drive over here about, have you guys ever seen the show alone?

Speaker 1

No, but I feel like where they.

Speaker 2

Drop these people off in the wilderness and they have to survive in the last man standing wins a cash.

Speaker 4

And they're all. They're like three miles apart each. So they're all, you know, alone.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 3

That sounds like a fascinating show.

Speaker 4

They film themselves.

Speaker 2

Very fascinating.

Speaker 1

They're filming themselves, so it's dangerous.

Speaker 2

So they are literally alone. And basically they have a cell phone. Basically what it turns into is who can starve the longest because they have to forage and hunt their own food.

Speaker 3

How long do they go?

Speaker 4

Months, 50 days? Up to like 100. One guy made over a hundred. You don't know. Your point is advertising. You don't know how many people are left. It's crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 2

So I was thinking about it. I was listening.

Speaker 3

Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 4

Yeah. Yeah. Where are you going with this?

Speaker 2

If I could finish.

Speaker 4

Whoa. Shots fired.

Speaker 2

What I was thinking about on the way here was about the show. On a particular season, there was a guy who was. A lot of times it's a challenge for them to get food. Some people bow out really early because they're not able to get enough food.

And there was a guy on one of the seasons who had a lot of food, but he still ended up getting eliminated because he had so much food in his store. But he wouldn't eat it because he was in this mindset of scarcity, and he just hoarded it and didn't end up eating enough on the regular to be able to maintain calories and his energy.

So he was like, his physical state was so bad they had to eliminate him.

Speaker 1

And yet he had an abundance.

Speaker 2

Yet he had an abundance. And so I was thinking about that on the way here, thinking, you know, we can get so fixated on the idol that we're actually doing damage to ourselves instead of, you know, living. Living well.

Speaker 4

And we have an absolute. Wow, that's good, Maria. Because, I mean, we have an abundance in the Lord because. Yeah. When you said. Well, you said something about desires not being met or something. It's like, that's how you kill an idol.

Speaker 1

The desires being threatened.

Speaker 4

That's how you kill the idol, is you find your joy and your desires met in Jesus. Yeah. And he supplies it all, and then there's no need.

You're secure in him. I mean, so much of it is an insecurity of, I'm going to lose my idol. I have to grip onto it so tight.

Speaker 1

Well, it's interesting as I've worked with women over the years in Bible studies and small groups. I'll say to them, what is the hardest thing for you to surrender to Jesus? Or I'll ask this, too. What's the thing you worry about the most? Almost every time, and these are all moms, my kids. I worry about them the most.

And it's the hardest thing for me to surrender because I don't know if I trust that God is good. And so even with that, with idols, it could be the thing we worry about the most, the thing we hold onto the most, and the thing that we try to take control of the most.

Because when we're fearful, we can get into control and not live in the abundance that God's given us. When Jesus says, I came that you might have life and might have it to the full, that's where he wants us to live.

Speaker 4

What is it in Romans 8 that says, how will he who didn't spare his own son, but gave him up for us all, not with him, give us all things?

And so it's looking to the cross. I mean, the same God who didn't spare his own son, you think he's not going to provide for every need that you have, you know?

And so, Maria, that's an awesome illustration.

Speaker 1

What do you think the application is to parents as they're listening? Single moms.

Speaker 3

That's it.

Speaker 1

What? What Bruce just said, keep your eyes on Jesus.

Speaker 4

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Yes.

Speaker 4

Well, and I was thinking, too, when you said, how do you get rid of your idols? I mean, I think what we were kind of saying is we are our own idol. Right? I mean, at the end of the day.

And so, I mean, the parenting verse that you said, like, years ago is, unless, I think, your sister, unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it bears no fruit.

And that's what we're called to, you know, and that. I mean, that's the Christian life, not just parenting.

Speaker 2

It's a funny story.

Speaker 1

Surrender.

Speaker 2

It's a funny story because we had a friend who was writing a parenting book, and she asked Evangeline, my sister, for a scripture.

And my sister said, that one. And the lady was like, that's not exactly what I was thinking. It was not really encouraging.

But actually, it is. When you're in those moments where you feel like you're dying.

Speaker 3

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Because you're not getting enough sleep. You're exhausted, you're stretched thin. You're not getting any time to yourself ever. The house is a disaster. Whatever. You don't look like you thought you wanted to look because you've had kids, you know.

Speaker 2

Doesn'T matter. You have Jesus.

Speaker 1

He's with me.

Speaker 2

Yep.

Speaker 1

He's with me. He's with me.

Speaker 3

Yeah. And I don't know if I'd add this or not. You can edit it out, but I think in some ways it's like, lower or change the expectations, too, of your kids, especially in the little toddler ages.

Because, you know, as a grandparent, sometimes when I'm with our kids, with the grandkids, and again, I haven't been there all day, so I don't know what mom's been through all day, but she's tired. One of their kids will pull something out of the pantry, and she's like, oh, what the. And I just want to go, what do you expect? This is exactly what's going to happen all day long.

But I'm not living in her life. But there is that expectation that's not going to happen today, right? Of course it's going to happen today. You know where, as somebody on the outside has been there, you're like, just. Just expect the best, the worst. And when it's better. Okay, that's true. Rather than expect the best, it's not going to ever go that way.

Speaker 4

That's what Bray Hansen said when you guys had him on for Unoffendable. He's like, people that are like, I can't believe my mom did that again. He's like, well, you better start believing it, because that's just how people are.

Speaker 3

Okay?

Speaker 4

It's.

Speaker 1

And it's why we need Jesus.

Speaker 4

Yeah. I can't believe they. Well, they're kids. Believe it. And then. Yeah, that's great advice.

Speaker 1

Well, guys, it's always great to have Bruce and Maria Goff.

Speaker 4

Thank you for the free counsel.

Speaker 1

Appreciate it. You counseled a lot of us. Thanks.

Speaker 1

Hey, thanks for watching. And if you like this episode, you better like it. Just hit that like button, and we'd.

Speaker 3

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Speaker 1

And subscribe.

Speaker 3

Look at that. You say it so easy. Subscribe. There he goes.